“I’m grateful for you, Julia,” said Bird. “I don’t understand what Mom’s story is yet. I mean, what happened and everything, and I don’t know what’s next. I only know I’m happy to be facing this with you, my little sister. And, I’m grateful for Alec, for Mrs. Pierson, for Aunt Hannah, Paul, Stuart, and Mom. And for Cody, Sunny, and Lucky.”
Under the table, Lucky’s tail began to thump. Good dog, good dog! He messaged.
Bird smiled. Yes, Lucky, you’re a good dog.
Alec asked, “Is it my turn?”
“Yes, dear boy,” said Mrs. Pierson. “Go ahead.”
“I’m grateful for Bird.” His eyes shone as he looked at her, and Bird felt a thrill down to her toes. “And that I’m here tonight. I didn’t expect such a dramatic Christmas dinner, but I’m honoured to be a part of this family, for better and for worse.”
“Now it’s my turn.” Mrs. Pierson squeezed Bird’s hand. “I’m thankful for so much, but tonight I have four things to say.” Her head shook slightly as she got her thoughts in order. She smiled sadly. “At Christmas I think of my darling Pete. We had so many wonderful years. That’s one.” Mrs. Pierson wiped away a small tear that had escaped down her cheek. “I’m thankful that my sons listened to me to cancel their plans when the ice storm came through. I could never forgive myself if they’d been in an accident trying to be with me.” She paused. “That’s two. The third one is that I’m thankful that Bird and Sunny and Cody rescued me. I would not be alive if they had not come when they did.” She gave Bird’s hand an extra squeeze. “The last one is, I’m grateful that Eva talked openly about those memories now, with people she trusts, so she can begin to heal. She must take the time she needs, no more and no less.”
Bird listened. “Why are you so wise, Mrs. Pierson?”
Mrs. Pierson lifted her shoulders slightly and tilted her head. “Age, dear. One learns a lot by living a long time and observing things. But experience, too. Every family has darkness. It’s in our nature. We’re animals, all of us. Some are more civilized than others.”
Bird thought about Kenneth Bradley, who had abused his own daughter. Bird had learned about this in Health class, and she wondered what inappropriate things he’d done to her mother. She shuddered and felt a little queasy.
At any rate, Kenneth Bradley was having Christmas in jail, and that was exactly where he should be. He thought that rules were for other people, not for him. He had no respect for anyone or anything, except his own gratification.
“My grandfather is the darkness in our family,” Bird stated. “He is fully uncivilized.”
“Before you jump to that conclusion, dear, and I thoroughly understand why you might,” said Mrs. Pierson, “consider what made him the way he is. What horrid events in his life shaped him?”
“Misshaped, more like it,” corrected Bird. “And I get what you’re saying. But he damaged everyone around him, and now we hear this new thing about Mom, his own little girl!”
Julia said, “Poor Mom. She must be weirded out.”
Alec and Bird slowly nodded agreement. Alec said, “She’s been through more than I ever guessed. Much more.”
“Yes,” Mrs. Pierson agreed. “You children will be very important in Eva’s healing. And, don’t forget that your Grandma Jean needs to heal, too, dears.”
Bird knew she was right. Grandma Jean, with her need to be perfect and her emotional distance, would have a very hard time with this. Alec and Julia looked at the old woman quizzically.
Mrs. Pierson spoke so quietly that they had to lean closer to hear. “When Eva was a girl, things were different. People never talked openly about abuse. Back then, it was more common to ignore it and hope it went away.”
The three young people nodded as one and listened closely.
Mrs. Pierson inhaled. “My guess is that even if Grandma Jean had suspected something, she didn’t know for sure and couldn’t confront him. Even when little Eva told her.” Mrs. Pierson tapped the table once, with energy. “But, your Grandma Jean was damaged by Kenneth Bradley, too. And, no matter what happened back then, she will be filled with guilt.” She sat back. “Thank goodness, now kids learn about such things and are taught what’s right and what’s not right. And now you can go to a teacher or the police if nobody at home believes you, or it’s not safe.”
Bird thought about her Health class again, and she knew what Mrs. Pierson said was true. But still, it would be hard to talk about it, she thought, if it were happening to you, especially if it were a parent or a relative.
“Listen, children.” Mrs. Pierson wasn’t finished. “Your family is not the only family where things like this have happened. I’ve seen it many times. Families can look totally perfect on the outside and have this secret on the inside. And it’s never the child’s fault. Children want attention. They crave it, and they trust adults to do right by them. But bad attention doesn’t equal love. Bad attention is poisonous. Eva was abused. Eva was hurt.”
Mrs. Pierson’s words resonated with Bird. Eva was so full of hurt that it just seeped out. Now, so much about her behaviour made more sense. Bird had long wondered why her mother always found Christmas so difficult, and why she consistently did so many hurtful, destructive things. Now she knew.
“But why tonight?” asked Julia. “How could Mom not talk about something so important for so long? It doesn’t make sense.”
Mrs. Pierson patted Julia’s hand. “Sometimes it happens, dear, especially with children, when they can’t cope with the betrayal of abuse. Their brains build an imaginary box to put bad things in, a place where the bad things can stay until the time comes to take them out and examine them.”
Julia screwed up her face questioningly. “And that time was today?”
“Yes, it was, for whatever reason. Maybe, with people she loves around her, it became safe to talk about it.” Mrs. Pierson smiled kindly. “Or maybe it just couldn’t wait any longer. It’s hard to understand, dear, I know.” Mrs. Pierson brightened. She smiled. “It’s quite amazing, isn’t it, how our brains look after us?”
Bird nodded and said, “Maybe, now that it’s out in the open, she’ll be more at peace with herself and less unhappy.”
“Let’s hope so, dear,” answered Mrs. Pierson.
“And stop driving us bat-poop crazy?” asked Julia.
Bird gasped and covered her mouth, knowing that she shouldn’t find anything funny at this sombre time. Julia suppressed a giggle, and Bird began to chuckle. She picked up someone’s discarded wine glass and raised it. “Cheers to that!”
Mrs. Pierson raised her water glass. “Good for you girls! Find the light!”
Alec and Julia grabbed whatever glass was closest at hand. Alec said, “To your mother’s happiness!”
Julia added, “Which is our happiness, as well! Happy mama, happy fama-lee!”
Bird felt hopeful, and suddenly very hungry. There would be much more time to think about this, but now she needed a break from the heaviness. She heaped her plate with turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, and turnip, and covered it all with gravy.
Julia and Alec did the same, and they made a big plate of food for Mrs. Pierson. They began to eat.
Hannah came in and sat at the table with them. After helping Grandma Jean to the truck, she’d checked in with Eva. “Stuart and Eva have gone upstairs. It’s been a tough night.”
Bird nodded. “Very tough. When will Paul be back?”
“Soon. It’s good that Jean and George’s place is so close.” She smiled warmly. “How did I get so lucky as to have a man like Paul in my life?”
“So why don’t you marry him?” asked Julia directly.
Hannah laughed. “I would like nothing more. And he would, too. We keep talking about doing it. It’s just a matter of our schedules.”
“Can I be a bridesmaid when you do? If I’m not too old by then?”
/> Hannah chortled. “Sure you can, and Bird, too. That’d make me very happy. And your mother, Eva, will be my matron of honour.” She wiped a tear away and said softly, “My little sister. I never knew what she went through. I guess I was too busy trying to survive, myself.” She shook her head slightly as she reflected. “Eva was our father’s favourite. I always thought he just liked her a whole lot more than me.”
“Aunt Hannah, do you think it’s true?” Bird asked.
“Eva believes it. And I believe her. Something unhealthy was happening, that’s all I know.”
Bird and Julia looked at each other, and they knew they had the same question. Julia put it in words. “What do you think happened, exactly?”
Hannah shook her head and said, “I really don’t know.”
Mrs. Pierson said, “The details don’t matter, dears. Eva was damaged. She must be respected. She might share the details one day, or she might decide they’re too personal.”
She continued, “Understand something, dears. These memories come with feelings of shame and humiliation, even guilt, although it’s utterly unfair. Your mother was just a child, but she’ll remember being complicit.”
Bird tried to understand. “Because she thought his attention equaled love? I get that.”
“Yes.” Mrs. Pierson squeezed her hand. “It would’ve seemed like a closeness that she and her father shared.”
Hannah nodded. “The house had a weird atmosphere at the best of times. Complicated. We never knew what was safe and what wasn’t.”
“Do you have any memories like that?” Bird asked.
“No. But that doesn’t negate Eva’s memories.”
Mrs. Pierson poured more congealed gravy on to her turkey. “Listen to your aunt, children. Do not question your mother’s memories. The whole story might eventually be told. We must be patient.” She took a forkful of mashed potatoes, but stopped before it got to her mouth. “Aren’t you eating, dear Hannah?”
“I’ll wait for Paul. You go ahead.”
Nobody minded that the food was cold.
6
Night Check
Silent night, holy night,
All is calm, all is bright …
It was time to do night check. Bird and Alec walked together out to the barn, holding hands. Bird carried her bag of Christmas horse treats in the other.
They would fill the water buckets and give the horses their hay to munch on during the night. It was an essential evening duty. Very rarely would they find a problem, but if a horse had colic, which was a terrible stomach ache, or had become cast in the stall, which meant that he was stuck and couldn’t get up, immediate action must be taken. Or if a horse hadn’t finished his dinner, or hadn’t drunk any water, they’d make a plan to take turns watching him. When all the horses were acting normally, their human custodians could sleep soundly at night.
Cody followed them. Bird thought he looked better than the night before, but he was still stiff and weak.
Bird girl. There’s a special present for you in the barn.
Really? From you, Cody?
No. Not this time. You’ll see. The coyote disappeared again, into the darkness. My present to you will come later.
I don’t need a present, Bird messaged. But he was gone.
“Your poor mother,” said Alec. “She was very brave to do what she did tonight. I have a new respect for her.”
“So do I. It took me totally by surprise. I hope you don’t mind.”
“What? Why would I mind?”
“I don’t know. To be put in the middle of the strangest thing that’s ever happened in my very strange family? Or maybe I wonder if you mind that I have such a strange family.”
Alec stopped walking. He turned Bird to face him and said, “I felt privileged to be included.” He touched her cheek. “I’ll always be there for you, you know.”
“I know. But I have … problems with her, problems that I’m not sure I can get past. She’s been really tough on me. You know that.” Bird looked at him earnestly. “I couldn’t say it in there when everybody was so compassionate and caring, but even though I know I should, I’m not sure I’ll be able to get past all her crazy crap. I want to, Alec, but I’m not as nice as you think I am.”
Alec smiled. “Yes you are. You’re very nice.”
“I’m not really. Can I suddenly trust her not to ridicule me? Can I let my defences down and risk getting slammed?” Bird wiped her cheek and nose with her sleeve.
“Not in one day! It’s totally understandable after what she’s put you through. One day at a time, Bird. You can start just by talking to her.”
Bird shook her head. “That’s the problem, Alec. My mother and I don’t do that. We never talk!” Now her tears flowed. “We never did!”
Alec pulled her into his embrace and waited until Bird’s shoulders relaxed and her sobbing ebbed. He whispered, “You can do this, Bird. I’ll help in whatever way I can.”
Bird sniffed back her emotion. “Thank you.”
“Anyway, Christmas lunch at my house was boring.”
She barked out a laugh. “Boring is good.”
Alec took her hand again, and they continued up to the barn. “Look at the sky, Bird.” Alec gazed upward, and Bird did the same. “It’s a beautiful night.”
“Crazy how horrible it was last night in the ice storm, and now it’s like this. Calm and almost balmy in twenty-four hours.”
“Almost like Mother Nature apologizing.”
“Poetic, as well as handsome? Too good to be true.” Bird smiled happily as she opened the barn door and flicked on the lights. She stopped. “Strange,” she murmured.
“Why?”
“They always nicker and make a fuss when I come in. Not because they like me, but because they want their evening hay.”
Bird, you have company.
Company? Who’s here, Sunny?
One clue. The man who talks like you.
Fred? My father’s here?
He’s in the tack room. He gave us our hay and filled our water to the top.
“Okay, Alec,” said Bird. “Eva’s revelation wasn’t enough for this day. There’s another surprise for you. Are you ready?”
“Ah. Not sure. Why are you being so odd?”
“I’m not being odd.”
“So why’re you creeping down the barn aisle like that?”
She stopped her beeline to the tack room and straightened up, unaware of the effect this news had on her until Alec mentioned it.
“My father’s here,” she whispered.
“Where?”
“In the tack room.”
“How do you know that?”
“Sunny told me.”
“Yeah.”
“Take a look.” She threw open the tack room door. Fred Sweetree sat in the chair beside the saddle rack, looking very comfortable.
He smiled his beautiful smile. His dark eyes shone brightly with quiet strength. “Hello, Alberta. Merry Christmas.”
“Fred. Dad. Merry Christmas!” Bird ran into his arms and hugged this person who had been a mystery to her all her life, and she expected always would be. “I’m so glad you’re here. I can’t believe it.”
“I’m passing through. I felt you might need me tonight.”
Bird nodded slowly. Her father’s skills were much more highly developed than her own, she thought. “Thank you.”
Fred cast his gaze at Alec. “Hello. I’m Bird’s father.”
Alec was still amazed that Bird knew he’d be sitting there before they opened the door. “Yes, I guessed that’s who you are. I mean Bird told me that Sunny told her. Anyway, I’m Alec Daniels, Paul’s son.”
“And Bird’s boyfriend.”
Alec and Bird looked at each other. Bird said, “No point in dancing around it
. My father reads people’s minds. Not just animals’. ”
Alec grinned. He put out his hand for Fred to shake. “Yes. I’m Bird’s boyfriend, if she’ll have me.”
Fred’s grin matched Alec’s. “Good for you.”
“Dad, why are you here, really?”
“To wish you a Merry Christmas.”
Bird tilted her head. “By sitting in the tack room while we’re all in the house? Or did you know I’d be doing night check?”
“I didn’t. But I hoped you would. I left you a small present.”
“You did? That’s so thoughtful.” She looked around.
Fred smiled. “Look in your riding helmet.”
Bird chuckled. “Very clever.” She turned over her helmet and lifted out a small box. “Dad, I didn’t know you’d be here, and I didn’t …”
“Hush. I want nothing and need nothing. This is a family memory for you.”
Bird unwrapped a delicate gold chain with a tiny horseshoe hanging from it. “It’s gorgeous,” she gasped.
Fred helped her fasten it around her neck. “It was my mother’s.”
Bird spun to look at him. “Your mother’s? I don’t know anything about her. She must have loved horses, too. Tell me about her!”
“It’s a long story, and not without sadness. I will tell you all about her at the right time.”
“I want to know her story. I don’t care how long it takes.”
Fred didn’t speak. There was an uncomfortable pause. Bird didn’t know her father well, but she knew him well enough to know that he could not be persuaded to talk about anything unless he wanted to.
Fred broke the silence. “Eva has spoken about her childhood trauma, is that it?”
Bird gasped. “How did you know?”
Fred nodded. “It was only a guess.” He waited a beat. “It had to come out sometime. She’s always known, but never shared. She tried to hide it behind all the protective layers she created.”
Alec reacted. “That makes sense.”
“You can help her,” said Fred, “by believing in her. She has a lot of hard work to do.”
Bird said, “You are wise, Dad. As wise as Mrs. Pierson.”
Christmas at Saddle Creek Page 7