The cold air hit her first, then the noise. She opened her eyes as a cart and horse shot past her.
She was on a street—a cobbled, busy street. She could see herself on the other side, her blonde hair wild in the wind as she argued furiously with a man, or more of a boy. He couldn’t be more than seventeen years old. Lilliah was the same, if not a little bit younger. This life was different from the first one—a different time. Their clothes weren’t as glamorous, either. They were old and worn.
“You promised me! You promised me that we would leave!” Lilliah watched herself yell. Even the noise of the crowd couldn’t drown out her scream.
“Lilliah, please let me explain,” the boy tried to say, but Lilliah wasn’t listening. She shook her head furiously and wildly.
“What is there to explain? You lied to me. You were never going to leave with me. You’re going to get married to someone else, and I’m going to be alone.”
“Why am I never happy?” Lilliah asked, watching herself break down in tears. “Why are all my lives so crappy?”
“Lilliah. Please, I have no choice. You have to believe me. I love you,” the boy begged.
“Leave me alone, Gordon!” she screamed, storming into the road, tears blurring her vision.
Lilliah saw the cart and horse before her other self did.
“No!” she screamed as the cart hit Lilliah, sending them both flying into the air. They hit the ground. The pain started in her head as everything became disoriented, the noises and the screams blurring into one mass of noise. Then the pain reached her stomach, and then her arms and legs. They both screamed in unison. Something was hitting them, trampling over them.
“Lilliah!” she could hear Gordon scream from the other side of the road. The rest of the noise from the street quieted as people gathered around the broken girl. “Oh, my God. My beautiful Lilliah!” Gordon cried.
“The horse, it just wouldn’t stop. I'm so sorry!” a man begged, kneeling down next to her.
Lilliah lay on the cobblestones, watching the whole scene unfold, every bone in her body broken.
“Help me!” she choked as people walked past her. They couldn’t see her; no one could help her. She lay there on the cobbled road until everything went dark, and she died, again.
It kept happening. She'd wake up in a different place, at a different time, and watch herself die, over and over again. There wasn’t a rhythm to what was happening. She went from old to young, rich to poor. But still the ending never changed. She would die in some painful way, and then she would wake up in the void of white and wait for it to happen again. It had happened so many times she had lost count—twenty, thirty, fifty? She really didn’t know. She lay on the floor, her body aching. Mentally, she couldn’t take much more of this. She felt as if she were losing a bit of her soul every time she died, as if it were being ripped from her.
“This is the fire,” she said out loud, her words ringing in the silence. “I'm walking through the fire.”
When everything started to spin, she didn’t close her eyes. A single tear escaped her eye.
Please let it end. Make it all stop, she silently begged.
Chapter 22
“Father, I want to help! I want to fight!” Lilliah sat up at the now familiar sound of her voice. This time things were different—the place, the sounds, the smells.
“Lilliah, we have spoken about this.” The man wasn't angry, more reminding. They were in a beautiful room full of white flowers. Everything was quiet, warm, and peaceful—a million miles away from every other life.
“I want to help.”
Lilliah stood, trying to get a better look at herself and her surroundings, her shaky legs barely holding her up. She stared at herself in shock. The two people standing in front of her had wings—huge, beautiful, white wings with hints of blue running through them.
“I know you do, my dear. But you can't. This is a war, not a game.”
“I don't think it's a game, Father. I know what's happening outside these walls.”
The man stood tall in front of Lilliah, his dark brown hair stopping at his shoulders. He looked no older than fifty but his eyes looked older, wiser. This is Michael, my father. My real father.
I'm in Heaven, Lilliah realised, taking in a shaky breath. This is the first life. This is it. The relief was amazing and intense. The pain was over. The whole nightmare would be over soon, and she'd wake up, safe with Azrael. At that moment, getting back to her life was more important than anything.
“You know nothing about what goes on outside these walls. Nothing. And I want it to stay that way.” Michael left the room, his white robe swaying behind him. As soon as he’d left, another door opened.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
Lilliah turned as a woman walked in, and gasped at her beauty. She was exquisite. Long, brown hair reached the bottom of her back in soft waves.
“Sometimes I think you love these roses more than you do me.”
“You’re my best friend,” Lilliah replied with a smile, cutting the stem of one of her roses. “Of course I love you more.”
“Good. I saw your father leave. How did that go?”
She shrugged. “The same as usual,” she said, turning to look at the woman for the first time, and giving Lilliah the opportunity to really look at herself. She looked amazing. Her skin was glowing and her hair looked lighter, healthier.
Damn. Heaven really suits me, she noted, raising her eyebrows, slightly impressed. Even with the wings.
“So you still can't leave?”
“No, I can't. I'm still stuck in this prison until the war is over.”
“The war will never be over! It's getting bigger, and it’s getting worse. The archangels are losing.”
“No. Father told me they’re winning and that Lucifer’s army is slowly disintegrating.”
“Azrael is leading Lucifer’s army.”
Lilliah's breath hitched at the mention of Azrael’s name. Had she known him when she was an angel? Azrael had never been mentioned it before.
“What?” The news obviously affected the other Lilliah too, as she pushed herself off the table she’d been leaning on and started pacing—worried, nervous, afraid? Lilliah could see all the emotions cross her own face.
“Yes. The archangels don't have a warrior like him. They’re going to lose.”
“No, Sapphire! We are not going to lose. He's one angel. Nothing more. It's impossible for the archangels to lose Heaven. The guards will protect it.” The words were strong but her face was panicked.
“Azrael is more than one angel. You haven’t seen him, Lilliah. You've never met the man. You do not go head to head with Azrael and win. He lives and breathes this stuff. His life is war.”
So she hadn’t known Azrael in Heaven, Lilliah realised, slightly disappointed. She wanted to see what he looked like up here. Did he look better, like she did? She couldn’t imagine him possibly looking any better than he did down on Earth. Surely it wasn't possible.
“He won't beat my father. He's not an archangel,” Lilliah assured Sapphire. “He can’t fight Michael.”
“No,” Sapphire agreed. “But he could get Lucifer close enough for him to fight.” The silence stretched out in the room.
“Is Azrael really like you say?”
“Yes. He's untameable, wild, sexy but serious. Like a predator biding his time until he is released.” Lilliah really didn’t like the way the girl, Sapphire, was talking about Azrael. She looked excited, and giddy. Did she know Azrael? Did he have a bunch of angel girlfriends from way back when?
“He sounds like a monster.”
“Well he does, the way she's describing him!” Lilliah protested in the silence. “He's so much more than any of that.” This Sapphire didn’t know Azrael at all, Lilliah decided, the jealousy that had spiked in her chest slowly dulling. Well, at least not the way she knew him.
“He is a monster, unfeeling and unstoppable.”
“How will all
this end?” Lilliah ran her hands over the roses, deep in thought. “I want to go out. I need to see all of this for myself.”
“Lilliah. You being out there, possibly in danger . . . what good will that do for anyone? Do you realise who your father is? What Lucifer will do just to get his hands on you?”
“Yes, I know!” Lilliah shot back. “But what good am I here? I've grown roses while there is a war outside. A war my father is right in the middle of. Lucifer used to be a friend. Maybe I can talk to him? Try and appeal to his—”
“To his what?” Sapphire demanded, hands on her hips.
“I don't know,” she admitted. “Appeal to his loving nature? He wasn’t always like this.”
“You cannot leave your house, Lilliah. Please listen to me. I can't even think about what your father would do to us, to you. Let your father and the rest of the archangels sort out their own mess.”
“He's imprisoned me, Sapphire, in my own home. What more can he really do to me?” she asked, nervously running her hands down her dress. “I barely see him apart from once every few weeks. He won’t even know I’m gone.”
The walls started to shake and the ground rumbled. “What's going on?” Lilliah asked, holding on to a table for support.
“I don't know.” Sapphire shrieked as a vase hit the floor, smashing into a million pieces.
“Lilliah!” a man called, running into the room. Most likely a guard, Lilliah decided, judging by his helmet and armour. “Lilliah, follow me,” he ordered, and the ground shook again.
“What's happening, Erik?” The tears in her voice were unmistakable. She was scared.
“We are under attack. Your father has given me orders. We have to leave!” he stressed, grabbing her arm and pulling her out the door.
“Under attack?”
Lilliah could hear Sapphire scream, but she couldn’t see her; she was already out the door, following the guard, and strangely, herself. She didn’t want to miss any of this. It was coming up to when she fell, she realised. Fireballs filled the sky, hitting the buildings around them. As terrifying as it was, she needed to see it all.
“How did they get in?” Lilliah could hear herself scream as she was dragged through the courtyard.
“I don't know yet. We need to lock you away, Lilliah. So they can’t find you.” The house they walked into was crazy, with people running everywhere. Guards were getting ready to fight and women were running to safety. It reminded her of Earth.
“Where's my father?” Lilliah could hardly hear herself speak over the noise and screams.
“He'll be with the rest of the archangels, in the High Court,” the guard informed her while they weaved in and out of the chaos.
“Where are they running to?” Sapphire asked, still jogging to keep up behind them.
“They're running to find safety.”
“No.” Lilliah stopped. “We have to help them. I can't just run and hide!”
“What?” he demanded, wide-eyed. “They’ll want to find you, Lilliah. Lucifer will want to find you. They will use you against your father. Do you understand that?”
“Yes!” she yelled, yanking her arm from his grasp. “I understand it all. I'm not a child. If we keep hidden, we can help people. They'll be too busy fighting to come looking for me.”
“Lucan!” a man yelled, running down the stairs in front of them, his sword ready in hand.
“What?” their guard demanded, turning, his frustration clear.
“We're needed. The High Court has been breached,” he stressed. “And the fighting has gone beyond these walls. It’s mayhem.”
“The High Court?” Lilliah asked, stepping forward. “That's where my father is!”
“Oh,” the guard stammered when he saw Lilliah. “I'm sorry, milady. I didn’t see you there. Forgive me.” He bowed his head in respect.
Lilliah stood behind them, trying to take it all in. The ground occasionally shook, but the other Lilliah didn’t seem to notice. Her eyes were focused on the two guards in front of her.
“Please. Is my father safe?”
The guards didn’t answer but shared a knowing look.
“Lilliah, look at me,” Lucan ordered, turning her to face him. “I need you to take this key.” He held it out to her. “Run down to the basement. There will be a door. Open it with this key. Lock the door behind you and run. Run as fast as you can down the halls. Do you understand me?”
“I'm not leaving while everyone else dies. I'm not leaving my father behind!” she protested.
“Lilliah, please. We have to get to safety,” Sapphire begged, moving to hold her friend’s hand. “We can't stay here, please.”
“Lucan, we have to move now,” the guard reminded him.
“Right. Lilliah, run—now. And lock the door behind you,” he instructed, running out the door.
“Lilliah, please. Let us leave,” Sapphire begged again, pulling her towards the stairs.
“No, Sapphire. You take the key. You run. I need to go and help my father.” Lilliah watched Sapphire grab the key with greedy hands.
“Okay. But you need to show me the way. I’ve never been in the basement before.”
“What?” Lilliah asked, looking at her angel self. “No. Just leave her. It's a door. How hard can it be to find?” But like she’d expected, no one heard her. So, being invisible is getting really old really fast, she decided.
“Okay. But we must hurry. I need to help my father.” Lilliah grabbed her friend’s hand and led her down the stairs and into the basement. “The door is just over here somewhere. I was brought to it years ago just in case I needed to use it in a time like this.”
“I can't see anything,” Sapphire said, squinting in the dark. “Where’s the door?”
“It's here.” Lilliah led the way to the far corner of the room. “It blends into the wall. Feel for it,” she instructed, running her hands over the bricks. Sapphire quickly joined her.
“Oh, I found it,” Lilliah said, pushing on the wall. A small square popped out. “It's the key hole.” Sapphire shakily put the key into the lock and unlocked the hidden door. It sprang open, leading to a dark corridor.
“Oh, thank you!” Sapphire sighed and turned to hug Lilliah tightly. “I'm sorry, Lilliah. I really am.”
Lilliah saw the flame down the corridor before her angel self did. What? She squinted, trying to see what it was. Oh, no. “Please, Lilliah, listen to me!” she begged as she ran over and tried to grab her other self. “Listen to me!” she screamed.
“Why are you sorry, Sapphire?” Lilliah asked, completely oblivious. “Don't be sorry. I want you to be safe and out the way of all of this.”
“No, Lilliah,” Sapphire said, taking a step back, her eyes on the men walking up the corridor, the darkness no longer concealing them. “I really am sorry.”
“What?” she asked, confused.
“Listen to me!” Lilliah screamed, frantically waving her hands. “Run! She sold you out! Run, please.” She knew it was no use, that all of this had already happened and she couldn’t change any of it, but it still didn’t stop her from trying. She watched helplessly as the men grabbed an unsuspecting Lilliah by the arms.
“No!” she screamed as she was pulled back. “Sapphire! What did you do?”
“I'm sorry, Lilliah! I truly am. You would have been safe in your home. Please forgive me.” With one last quick glance at her friend, Sapphire turned and left.
“I knew I didn’t like her,” Lilliah muttered as she left the room.
“Be quiet and be quick. I'm taking Lilliah beyond the walls,” one of the burly men commanded as a few more entered from the corridor, all dressed in black. “You know the plan.” They nodded in unison and moved for the stairs.
“Help!” Lilliah screamed, pulling as the man bound her hands behind her back. “They’re coming! They’re coming!”
“Shut up!” the man ordered, covering her mouth with his hand. “They can’t hear you, princess.”
Lilliah nee
ded to do something. She couldn’t watch this anymore. She wanted to help, even if it didn’t make a difference because all of this had already happened. She walked around the basement, running her hands through her hair.
“You really are as beautiful as they say, you know.” She turned as the man sneered, twisting a piece of her hair through his fingers.
“Leave me alone!” she screamed, running towards them, but instead of colliding with them, she fell straight through them, hitting the wall on the opposite side. “Just leave me alone,” she begged, letting the wall take her weight. Unlike the other times, she didn’t just feel the pain that her old self was going through; she also felt her fear. It was crippling and painful.
“We should have told Azrael about this,” a shorter man piped up, nervously moving from one foot to the other. “He'll kill us if he finds out we went against his orders and that we're not at our posts.”
“Be quiet.” The bigger one holding Lilliah laughed. “Azrael is fighting on Earth. He doesn’t need to know anything. And when we bring Michael’s daughter to Lucifer, Azrael will be kissing our feet!” he boasted.
“You’re right. You’re right,” the shorter one quickly agreed.
“I know I’m right. So let’s leave.”
Lilliah watched as they dragged her towards the small corridor.
“Mmmmm . . .” Her words were muffled by the man’s hands.
“Shut up,” he hissed as she started to kick and thrash violently. “Ow!” he yelled as she bit his hand. “You little bitch.” Lilliah watched from the corner of the room as they threw her to the floor. “You’re going to seriously regret doing that.”
“What are you doing?” the smaller guy asked, looking panicked, pulling at his hair in frustration. “We can’t hurt her. Lucifer will kill us if there is even a mark on her!”
“Shut up,” the bulky man seethed, his face red with anger. “We'll be fine. This plan will work. Lucifer will be kissing our feet when we take her to him.” Both men were too busy to notice that her angelic self had sat on the floor, muttering something quick and quiet.
“Wait. What the hell is she doing?” the larger man demanded, staring down at Lilliah.
Ruined (The Seraphim Series Book 1) Page 26