His name was Jeremy. He was cute, in a nondescript sort of way. He had brought a bottle of vodka, and he offered me a shot. I figured shots would get me where I wanted to be a hell of a lot quicker than beer, so I followed him upstairs into one of the bedrooms. It was a typical frat house and I tried to ignore the dirty clothes on the floor and the stink of smoke that permeated the air.
Jeremy and I talked about music. His taste was pretty good actually, and the more I drank the more interesting he became to me. The last I could remember, we had pounded five shots each. The fact that everything after is a blank told me that we didn’t stop there.
The next thing I knew, a bright light was shining in my face. I opened my eyes groggily and tried to make out where I was. I was naked and laying under a sheet, but I knew this wasn’t my bed. There was someone next to me, and I realized with horror that it was not Josh. Where was I?
“Ginny?” It was Josh’s voice, Josh was here, somewhere. But not in bed with me? I couldn’t figure out what was going on. What was that light? Where was Josh?
I tried to wipe the blurriness out of my eyes as I peered toward the bright light that had woken me. Oh, of course, it was the doorway, and the light was coming in from the hall. “Ginny?” I heard again, and suddenly, I understood. That blur there in the light—that was Josh. Josh was standing in the doorway, looking at me, watching me. And I was naked, in bed with another man.
Chapter Twenty-seven
I wiped at the tears running down my cheeks. “Mommy really messed up, baby,” I whispered, rubbing my belly gently. “This all might have been so different for you.” I felt a sob rise in my throat, and I didn’t bother to muffle it. There was no one to hear me, no one but my baby.
“I’m so sorry, sweetie,” I gulped. “This whole thing was my fault. Your daddy was not a bad guy. I drove him away from us because I broke his heart.” The baby, responding to my voice, started kicking, and I cried harder. I wanted Josh here. He should be experiencing this with me. His decision to not be involved had destroyed me, it had hurt me to my core. But really, how could I blame him? Of course he didn’t want to be tied to me.
Josh, amazingly, didn’t dump me right away after he found me at that party. We spent the next two days holed up in our apartment, crying and arguing. He was furious with me, of course, but he still loved me. I couldn’t tell him for sure what had happened, because I didn’t remember any of it. Josh conceded that things had been difficult for us for a long time, and he was willing to put off any major decisions for the time being.
So I helped him pack and he headed off to London, telling me he thought it would be good for us to be apart while we thought things through. I missed him the entire time he was gone, but I dreaded when he would return. Surely he would end things with me then. I spent most nights alone in our apartment, drinking until I could sleep.
Josh came home in March. He told me he had missed me and he wanted to make things work. I prayed with every fiber of my being that things could go back to the way they had been. But of course, they never would. We fought. It seemed like we fought all the time. I was jealous, possessive. He was alternately angry and weary, so tired of the drama. We lasted another three months, but as graduation drew closer, we both knew it was over.
Josh was the one who finally ended it, officially. He told me that he loved me but he just couldn’t do it anymore. He said that as long as I refused to create a life of my own we would just keep coming back to the same problems. He forgave me for what I had done with that guy, because he knew, better than anyone else ever had, that it wasn’t me. Not really. But he just couldn’t do it anymore.
I cried. I begged him to change his mind. I told him I would do whatever he wanted, be whoever he wanted.
He told me that was the problem.
In a horrible last-ditch attempt, I told him I thought I might be pregnant. I burn with shame just thinking about saying those words to him. It didn’t work, of course. He just looked at me and told me that if I was pregnant he would help me, but it would make him very, very sad.
That’s why I could never tell him about the baby. That’s why I tried to keep it a secret for so long. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling him and knowing it would make him miserable. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting him anymore.
* * *
I didn’t read the letter from Josh that night. I figured I had spent enough time walking down memory lane. It wouldn’t get me anywhere. I had good things in my life now. The baby would be here soon. I needed to keep moving on.
I went back downstairs and decided I would make myself an ice cream sundae and curl up in front of a mindless movie. As I headed into the kitchen, my phone rang. It was Luke.
“Ginny,” he said, his voice low and excited. “Can I see you?”
“Now?” I asked, looking at the clock. It was nearly ten and I was already in my pajamas.
“I have something to tell you!” he replied. “Please, it won’t take long.”
“Sure. Come on over.”
I hung up my phone and headed to the bathroom. I washed my face, trying to erase any sign of tears, and brushed my hair for good measure. Luke must have been on his way when he called, because I heard a knock on the front door after only a few minutes.
Luke pulled me into a hug the second I opened the door. “I have great news!”
“What’s up?” I asked, smiling at his obvious excitement.
“I have the money now!”
I stared at him blankly. I had no idea what he was talking about.
“For the Europe trip!” he added.
“Oh,” I said slowly. “I didn’t realize you were still saving for that…”
“I wasn’t,” he said quickly. “All the money was just sitting there in my account. But I just got a call from my broker; something awesome happened. One of my investments went big this afternoon. He just got the numbers in. It’s a windfall—way more than enough to go!”
It probably should have told me something that my first thought was for his father, not for me. “What about the store, Luke?”
“What about it?” he said, a touch of petulance in his voice. “It’s not my store.”
“Yeah, but your dad relies on you. He can’t work.”
“He can afford to hire someone else to run the damn thing for him. It’s not my problem anymore.” Luke definitely sounded petulant now, childish almost. The word selfish sprang to mind, but I tried to quash it back down. This wasn’t my fight.
“Well, I think that’s great for you. I know how much you wanted this.”
“It’s not just for me, Ginny!” he said, the excitement back. “It’s for both of us!”
It was silent for a moment. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m telling you that I want you to come with me.”
I stared at him in disbelief. “What?”
“I want you to come with me. To Spain. And whatever comes after.”
Wait…what? “Luke…I can’t come with you. I’m having a baby in a month.”
“I realize that, Ginny,” he said, rolling his eyes. “He would come with us. The three of us.”
“I can’t do that,” I said, shaking my head. This was absurd.
“Why not? It would be amazing! You and me, the baby, traveling around, seeing the world. What could be better than that?”
“I can’t have a newborn baby on the road with me…it’s ridiculous.”
“Ginny, you’ve said yourself you didn’t want to be stuck here forever. You’ve always wanted to travel. You want to see the world! Don’t you want that for your baby, too?”
Of course I wanted to see the world, and of course I wanted my baby to have amazing experiences…but there was something wrong here, something I couldn’t put my finger on.
“Luke,” I began slowly. “I never said that. I never said I didn’t want to be stuck here.” Yes, that’s what was bothering me. He had said that, many times, but I never had. “I like it here. I like my life, my
friends, my job…this is where I want to have my baby.”
He stared at me, aghast. “You want to stay here? In Michigan? This is where you want to live your life?”
“Yeah. It is.”
“Like, forever?” he asked in disbelief.
He looked so sad I considered taking it back—but only for a split-second. Luke was not my life. I wasn’t going to follow him, I wasn’t going to hide from my problems with him. Maybe a year ago, I would have. But Jen was right: I had changed. I was a different person. I wasn’t that girl that went out to find approval in men because she was lonely. I wasn’t that girl that needed alcohol or parties or sex to make me feel good about myself. And I didn’t need to follow a man around on his adventures in order to be happy. I had my own life.
“I can’t believe this,” he muttered. “I can’t believe you’d try to hold me back like this.”
“Wait—what?”
“It’s just like my parents. They never cared about what I wanted either.” There was a bitter expression on Luke’s face. The word ‘childish’ sprang to mind again. He looked exactly like a little boy who wasn’t getting his way. Like a kid who would try to make his mom feel guilty in order to get what he wanted.
“What are you talking about?”
“I told you what they did, Ginny, how they refused to let me go to culinary school. Don’t you see that this is what I need to do?”
“I do see that.” I was starting to feel very impatient now. “But, Luke, your dad told me they were willing to let you go to school, but you refused unless they would send you to Europe.”
“And you believed that? Figures!”
I stared at him in disbelief. This was like a completely different person. A demanding, childish, temperamental person.
But on second thought, maybe this reaction did kind of make sense. Throughout the course of our relationship, Luke had been accustomed to getting exactly what he wanted. He saw me whenever he wanted, he chose our activities and meals, I helped him with all the things he hated to do in the store. He was charming, sure, and treated me great—but he also basked in my praise, in my obvious gratitude.
Looking at him now, I wondered if I knew him at all.
An argument sprang to my tongue—he was being ridiculous, I had no intention of holding him back, et cetera. But suddenly, it didn’t matter to me anymore. This was going nowhere. What was the point of dragging it out any further?
“I’m sorry, Luke,” I said softly. “You’ve been amazing to me, and I’ve really enjoyed being with you…I just think we’re in two totally different places right now.”
A flicker of shock crossed his features, but it was quickly replaced by an expressionless mask. “You’re ending this? Just like that?”
“I think it’s the right thing to do.”
He nodded, refusing to meet my eyes. “I think you’re right.” So quickly I might have imagined it he leaned forward, kissed my cheek, and turned. He was gone before I could say a word.
Chapter Twenty-eight
When I told her what I had done, Annie was aghast.
“You have got to be kidding me,” she said, her eyes open wide. “Seriously, Ginny, tell me you’re kidding.”
“Sorry, Ann,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “It’s over.” We were sitting in the living room on Sunday morning, waiting for Jen to wake up and, hopefully, make us some breakfast.
“Ginny,” Annie said slowly. “The most gorgeous man we have ever seen asked you to go to Europe, indefinitely, free of charge. And you turned him down?”
“Annie, I’m having a baby in two months,” I said. “Do you really think it would have been wise to go running off with a man I’ve been dating for eight weeks? To leave the country with a newborn baby?”
“I guess not,” she sighed. “But God, Ginny…he was so pretty!”
“I know,” I replied. “But I wasn’t in love with him.”
“What’s love matter when you look like that?” she demanded.
“It matters a lot when you’re talking about a baby,” I said seriously. “This is real life, Annie.”
“What’s real life?” Jen appeared in the doorway, wrapping her robe around herself as she yawned.
“Ginny broke up with the hot man,” Annie said solemnly.
“I didn’t really break up with him,” I said. “I just told him I didn’t want to go to Europe with him...we kind of agreed on the breaking up part.”
“Okay, back up,” Jen said, holding up her hands. “Start over.”
“Why don’t you make us some food and she can tell you all about it?” Annie said innocently.
“Fine,” Jen laughed, heading into the kitchen as Annie and I followed her. Annie made coffee and Jen started cracking eggs while I sat in a kitchen chair and told her everything.
“Wow,” Jen said when I had finished. “So he’s just going to leave the store and take off? That’s rough for his dad.”
“I know,” I said.
“It seems a little…selfish.”
“That’s exactly what I thought,” I nodded.
“I don’t think it’s selfish to do what you’ve always wanted to do,” Annie said. “I mean, you said this was his dream, why shouldn’t he do it?”
“I’m not saying he shouldn’t go,” I said. “But taking off without warning…it just seems like he’s leaving his dad in the lurch.” I considered telling them the rest, the way that Luke had lied to me, and then acted when I called him on it…but I felt tired of the whole situation. What was the point in reliving it all?
“Well, I think you made the right choice,” Jen said as she slid omelets off the griddle onto our plates. I grabbed the juice and the three of us sat at the kitchen table. I noticed Annie wasn’t meeting my eyes.
“Okay, spill it,” I demanded.
“What?” she asked innocently.
“You clearly disapprove, so just tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I just…I can’t help but wonder…”
“What, Annie?”
“I can’t help but wonder if this isn’t about Josh,” she admitted. “I think you’re still hoping he’s going to change his mind and come back, and you don’t want to be in Europe with another man when that happens.”
I stared at her, feeling slightly offended. “It’s not about Josh,” I said quietly. “It’s about my baby. I’m not going to go running around a foreign country with a newborn just because it might be romantic and fun. I want to have this baby here, where my friends are, where my home is. I have a job I love for the first time in my life. I feel stable…I feel good. And I don’t want to give that up for a guy, even if he is, admittedly, quite hot. Is that so hard to believe?”
Annie was staring at me, a weird expression on her face, “No,” she said softly. “It’s not hard at all.”
I looked over at Jen, who was also regarding me with a strange look. “Okay, what, you guys? You’re both looking at me all weird.”
“We’re just proud of you, that’s all,” Jen said, smiling.
“Yeah, you sound like a mom,” Annie agreed.
“Well,” I said, spearing a piece of omelet with my fork, “I guess I’m starting to feel like one.”
* * *
I was not looking forward to going to work the next day. I had texted Luke several times on Sunday afternoon, but thus far he had ignored me. I was anticipating a day of awkwardness when I got to the store.
What I was not expecting was to see Luke’s dad, again behind the counter.
“Mr. Wright,” I said in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting you today!”
He sighed, and he looked much more tired than he had the last time I saw him.
Suddenly, it dawned on me. “Luke left already, didn’t he?”
Mr. Wright nodded. “Last night,” he said. “He came to the house in the afternoon with his bags all packed and told us he was leaving.”
I had to sit down. I couldn’t believe that Luke would leave so quickly, without saying
goodbye. “He didn’t tell you?” Mr. Wright asked sharply.
“He told me he was going, I just didn’t know when.”
He shook his head. “That’s horrible, Ginny. I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged. “I guess he just figured we said everything there was to say.”
Beyond the surprise, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt. What I had told Annie was true: I wasn’t in love with Luke. But he had been kind to me, and he was fun to be with. And he wanted me, even though I was seven months pregnant and getting bigger by the day. I would miss him.
But I was still glad I had decided to stay.
“You’ve done a great job here,” Mr. Wright was saying. “I’m hoping you’ll want to stay even though Luke is gone.”
“Of course I do!” I was shocked he would think otherwise. “Mr. Wright, I love this store. This is my favorite job I’ve ever had!”
“Oh good,” he said with relief. “I would have hated to lose you. I’ve been looking over all of the paperwork—Luke was giving you a lot of responsibility, wasn’t he?”
I shrugged. “I offered a lot, I don’t mind office work.”
“And this promotional campaign that did so well last month, the packaging of paperbacks with vouchers from the coffee shop down the street—that was your idea, wasn’t it?”
“Well, I always notice people sitting over there reading, it seemed like a natural combination.”
“You have a good head for this stuff, Ginny,” he said seriously. “I think you’d make a great manager.”
“Really?” I was immensely pleased.
He nodded. “Look, I know you have a lot on your plate, with the baby coming and all—but what would you think about giving it a try?”
“Managing? For real?”
“I think you’d be great,” he said. “We could start you off part-time until the baby comes, give you a chance to get your feet wet—that way I could be in a few days a week and my wife wouldn’t have to kill me for working too much.” He winked at me. “Then, after your maternity leave, you could come back and manage full-time.”
I was speechless. This was perfect, the absolute perfect opportunity for me. “I would love to,” I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “Mr. Wright, I would really love to.”
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