‘I need a bath,’ he cried. ‘Fetch Nana Agnys.’
‘A bath?’ said the Cook. ‘The likes of you don’t have baths.’
‘Well, I’m sticky,’ the boy demanded. ‘I need a bath. NOW!’
So the Cook threw a bucket of cold water over him. The water poured down onto the range below and as it hit the hot metal it turned into a great cloud of steam.
‘There, your majesty,’ laughed the Cook, ‘not just a bath but a sauna too.’
Then she summoned all the kitchen hands and asked them to suggest a name for the boy. Brat was very popular. In fact, everyone liked it, except for Dierdre the Sink Plug Washer, who had taken a shine to the ex-King and wanted to call him Mine.
‘OK, Brat it is,’ said the Cook.
So Brat sat in his wire cage glaring down at everyone and vowed that one day, he would have his revenge. From the Cook right up to the King, he would get them all.
‘Obviously, the first thing we must do is fix the drains,’ said King Arthur.
‘Indeed, sire,’ said Merlin, who did not know the boy’s unique talent, ‘but the only way in is through the secret tunnel at the back of the dragon’s cave. It would be certain death for anyone who enters.’
‘Oh yes,’ said Morgan le Fey, ‘in all the excitement, I forgot to tell you. There is someone who can reach the tunnel unharmed.’
‘You mean the four Royal Messengers have returned with a Brave Knight?’
‘No. The person I’m talking about is right here among us.’
‘But who?’
‘Our own King, my newly discovered beloved little brother, Arthur.’
‘My lady!’ said Merlin in horror. ‘You would send our great King to his death?’
‘What she means,’ said King Arthur, ‘is that I am fireproof. When I was five years old, the dragons came to our village and burnt it to the ground. I alone survived. Well, apart from my best friend, Geoffrey, but he was stuck by lightning soon after…’ Arthur stopped speaking and stared dreamily into space.
‘Your majesty?’
‘Sorry, I was just remembering how delicious Geoffrey tasted,’ said King Arthur. The others looked horrified and he hastily explained that Geoffrey had been a pig. ‘I survived because I was fireproof.’
‘It’s true,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘The Cook used to send him into the red-hot ovens to clean them out and not a single hair on his head was touched.’
‘But the dragons don’t just breathe fire,’ said Merlin. ‘They’ve got great big sharp teeth. I doubt our King is biteproof.’
‘Ah, yes,’ said everyone.
‘We need a distraction,’ said Arthur. ‘A Brave Knight to lure the dragons out of their cave, while I slip past into the tunnel.’
‘Unfortunately none of the Royal Messengers have returned with one,’ said Merlin.
But then the door flew open and a mighty figure strode into the room.
‘That is not quite true,’ said the mighty figure, bowing low before the King and even lower before Morgan le Fey, who blushed bright red. ‘I am Sir Lancelot of Croydon and I am at your majesty’s and at your lady’s service.’
‘Really?’ said Morgan le Fey.
‘Indeed, my lady,’ said Sir Lancelot. ‘I would be your Champion.’
‘Champion what?’ said Morgan le Fey.
‘No, no, my lady. Your Champion,’ said Sir Lancelot. ‘It means I would serve you and fight your fights and guard your honour, my lady, until the last breath in my body.’
‘Sounds good,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘OK, you can be my Champion.’
‘But first, good knight,’ the King began.
‘Good night?’ said Merlin. ‘It’s not bed-time yet, is it?’52
‘But first,’ the King continued, ‘we need you to slay the dragon.’
‘No, no, dear brother,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘Not actually slay it. After all, they are an endangered species so I don’t think we should actually make them extinct. What we need Sir Lancelot to do is just distract them while you nip into the cave.’
‘Fair enough,’ said King Arthur. ‘So not so much charging at them with your sword, more like poking your tongue out at them and calling them rude names and running away a bit with them chasing you, and… Could you say that first bit again?’
‘First bit?’ said Morgan le Fey.
‘Yes, the “dear brother” bit,’ said Arthur. ‘I’ve never been a brother before.’
‘Well, my dear brother, you have actually been a dear brother since you were born,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘You just didn’t know it.’
‘My lady,’ said Sir Lancelot, bowing before Morgan le Fey. ‘Your will is my command. We shall set out at dawn.’
‘Are you sure you don’t want him to slay the dragons, even a little bit?’ said Merlin, who was very much into the old ways.
‘No,’ said the King. ‘No blood is to be spilt.’
‘Uh oh,’ said Primrose the next morning. ‘Humans coming.’
She had seen the party of humans crossing the bridges and islands, and now they were approaching the Valley of the Dragons.
‘I bet they’ve got their thumbs with them, haven’t they?’ said Spikeweed, King of the Dragons.
‘Well, of course they have. They’re humans. Now get out there and do battle.’
‘Do I have to?’ said Spikeweed. ‘I’ve got a dreadful cold and you’ve no idea how disgusting that is when you start breathing fire, great gobs of snot everywhere. I mean…’
‘Too much information,’ said Primrose. ‘So go out there and sneeze at them.’
It was traditional when humans and dragons came into contact with each other that a human messenger was sent out to negotiate.
The negotiation usually went something like this:
Dragon: What do you want?
Human: We come in peace.
Dragon: No you don’t.
Human: Yes we do, honest.
Dragon: Go away.
Human: But we’d really like to come and live in this beautiful place.
Dragon: Well, of course you would. Who wouldn’t?
Human: So, can we?
Dragon: No. Sod off.
Human: You’ll be hearing from our solicitors. Dragon, shooting out flames and toasting the messenger: And you’ll be hearing from my nose.
The end result was usually a few toasted messengers followed by another population of dragons wiped out by angry humans.
This time it had been decided to take a different approach. The humans didn’t want to kill any dragons, but they didn’t want the dragons to know that. So Sir Lancelot rode up on his big horse and shouted at them.
‘Oi, stupid lizards,’ he cried out, ‘I would come and talk to you but you are so stinky I can’t bear to come any nearer.’
Spikeweed was torn. The one thing dragons hate more than anything, apart from not having thumbs, is being called lizards. On the other hand, the smell from his old incontinent granny, Gorella, was super-double stinky. He couldn’t argue with that.
‘Did you hear me, lizardy lizard-face?’ Sir Lancelot shouted. ‘You great big ugly thumbless lump.’
‘Thumbless? Thumbless? That does it,’ roared Spikeweed and raced out of the cave followed by Primrose, the two eldest kids and a lot of baby dragons that kept getting under their feet and tripping them up. The babies hadn’t the faintest idea what was going on, but it was all very exciting and they ran around all over the place biting each other and crashing into rocks.
As the dragons chased Sir Lancelot up the valley, King Arthur slipped into the cave and ran towards the entrance to the secret tunnel.
‘Oh no,’ he cried when he got there.
The ancient, seriously stinky Gorella was lying right across the entrance with a whole lot more baby dragons climbing all over her. She was fast asleep on her back, snoring and leaking horribly.
There was nothing for it. Holding his breath, King Arthur climbed over the old dragon and into the tunnel. His eyes were watering
and he felt very, very sick. But actually, the smell of Gorella made the smell of the blocked sewers seem almost pleasant by comparison.
Being babies, the young dragons hadn’t learnt that humans were supposed to be their enemies so they ran after him.
Arthur pushed the explosives he had brought with him into gaps in the pile of rocks. This took a lot longer than he had hoped because the baby dragons thought it was a game and kept pulling the explosive sticks out of the rocks and bringing them back to him. Finally he managed to bury them under rocks that were too big to move and walked back down the tunnel, trailing the fuse behind him. He then knelt down to light the fuse, but the dragons’ cave was so damp it wouldn’t light.
Behind him, he could hear a commotion. The dragons had got fed up chasing Sir Lancelot and come back.
‘Oops,’ said Arthur.
‘What have we here?’ said Spikeweed.
‘I’ll tell you what,’ said Arthur. ‘What we have here is a situation.’
‘Oh really?’ said Spikeweed. ‘I don’t see a situation. I see lunch. Though I must admit it will be difficult to make someone as small and weedy as you feed the whole family.’
‘I’m not your lunch,’ said Arthur.
‘I must say, little human, you are remarkably calm for someone who is about to get lightly barbecued on both sides and eaten,’ said Spikeweed.
‘Yes, because it’s not going to happen,’ said Arthur. He held out his hand. ‘Have a go.’
Primrose snorted out a white-hot flame, which, of course, had absolutely no effect on Arthur.
‘I am Arthur, King of Avalon,’ said King Arthur, ‘and I am fireproof.’
‘Well, I am Spikeweed, King of the Dragons,’ Spikeweed said, ‘and I make fire.’
‘Pleased to meet you,’ said Arthur.
‘Roarin’ brave, aren’t you?’ said Spikeweed.
‘Well, if you were to harm me, the great wizard Merlin would bring every single human down on you and make your entire species extinct and not just you, but your fancy Italian relatives too,’ said Arthur. ‘On the other hand, if we become allies just think what we could do together.’
‘That makes sense,’ said Primrose.
‘But I am Spikeweed, King of the Dragons. I am powerful and ferocious,’ said Spikeweed. ‘I am genetically programmed to hate humans.’
‘Oh, grow up, you stupid twit,’ said Primrose.
‘She’s right, Dad,’ said Bloat and Depressyng.
‘Oh, all right,’ said Spikeweed. ‘I, Spikeweed, King of The Dragons, hereby form an alliance with you, Arthur, King of Avalon.’
‘And to seal our treaty,’ said Arthur, ‘we will do each other one deed of kindness.’
‘Fair enough,’ said Spikeweed. ‘What?’
‘See that fuse in the tunnel there? Well, could one of you set it alight?’
‘No problem,’ said Spikeweed.
‘And in return, my servants shall bring you incontinence pants and lots and lots of bars of soap for your old granny.’
‘Incontinence pants,’ said Primrose with a tear in her eye. ‘That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for us.’
As King Arthur was being given a hero’s welcome outside the cave for bringing peace between humans and dragons, the ground shook and suddenly every bath and every lavatory in Camelot was free.
The blast also blew all the doors off the prison cells and the thirteen prisoners were free too.
Including Lord Resydue the Baby-Eater of Londinium…
Later that evening, King Arthur and Morgan le Fey sat at the top of the tallest tower in Camelot and watched the sun set over the moat.
‘You know,’ said Arthur. ‘It doesn’t really get much better than this.’
Oh yes it does, thought Morgan le Fey. A lot better.
But she said nothing.
Later that evening, King Spikeweed, Primrose and their fifty-two children sat at the top of the tall mountain and watched the sun set over their valley.
‘You know,’ said Spikeweed. ‘It doesn’t really get much better than this.’
Oh yes it does, thought Primrose. The kids will all grow up and leave home.
But she said nothing.
FOOTNOTES
1 I know. It’s a ridiculous name, but I didn’t make it up. King Arthur’s dad was really called that. It’s probably Olde Medieval English for Nigel.
2 Except islands can’t actually talk, apart from the Talking Island, which never stops talking.
3 There really is a creature called an olm – look on Google. They are strange, blind creatures which eat, sleep and breed underwater and are also known as ‘human fish’ because their skin looks like human skin. They usually grow up to 40 centimetres long. They only live in subterranean caves in parts of Southern Europe, and in the moat at Camelot.
4 See page 17 for a tourist brochure about the Downwind Islands, one of the lovely places to holiday around Camelot.
5 After whom the awful headache the migraine is named.
6 Posh word for baby.
7 If you don’t believe me, see how many you can find on eBay.
8 There are not a thousand nanas living there, but the builders of Camelot believed in planning ahead.
9 Old-fashioned speak for ‘when he’s carked it’.
10 Which may or may not someday be made available to EVERYONE, including you, as an exciting, yet terrifying, picture book.
11 On the other hand, there were people who not only visited but actually lived in these damp, remote places. We might return to them from time to time, though probably only when we are having nightmares. Click Here for Damp People.
12 Which is French for The Island of Toast, but sounds much grander. Unlike anyone who is sent there, we may return to L’île de Pain Grillé.
13 This was dead easy. Neither side of his bread was buttered because only the King and Fremsley the Royal Whippet were allowed to eat butter.
14 Like a lot of self-important kings and queens, Arthur frequently referred to himself as ‘one’. Really he should have called himself ‘one-quarter’, which would have summed his personality up much more accurately, but then the same could be said for anyone calling themselves ‘one’.
15 It should be noted here that, unknown to the King, Merlin had arranged kitty trampolines below the castle windows. While this did not stop most kitties falling into the moat, they did bounce up and down a lot before they did. Apart from being really funny to watch, this made Merlin a lot of money from betting on how many times a kitty would bounce before it flew off into the water. DO NOT try this at home. See page 177.
16 Actually, he was vain and stupid, it was only his ‘spoilt’ that was different from Arthur’s. Arthur’s ‘spoilt’ meant everyone gave him whatever he wanted. Spikeweed’s ‘spoilt’ meant ruined.
17 This is the only joke in dragon society.
18 And don’t forget, this was in medieval times, when people would happily eat cockroaches and drink stuff they squeezed out of dead worms. So you can imagine what the stuff they wouldn’t eat was like. Actually, you probably can’t, and if you can, you need therapy.
19 As someone who would make muesli illegal if I were King, I have always thought it looked second-hand even straight out of the packet. How can anything that had no fat and no sugar be any good for you?
20 Well, they do in my house.
21 Midden sales are like garage sales only with a lot more mud and body parts. Romeo Crick may have been a large three-year-old or a very small fifteen-year-old. No one, including Romeo himself, knew his exact age so they stood him next to other children and decided he was about five.
22 Which is the same as a wicker basket but with nasty sharp bits.
23 Who were terrible, but not as terrible as the Angry Knights of Darkness.
24 Just to clear up any confusion, Romeo and his father had been bathing in the sewage pit. Geoffrey had been standing at the side holding their clothes and fallen in.
25 Every good boo
k and TV show has a cooking segment. See page 231 for a Camelot Pizza recipe.
26 Do you see a crafty link forming here?
27 Strawberries.
28 Unless of course you went to the Very Tall Cliffs of Asgirth, stood on the Very Slippery Grass of Asgirth and tried to look down at the Very Pretty Puppies of Asgirth, who always played right at the foot of the cliffs. Then you most definitely would fall off, but generally not get killed due to your fall being cushioned by the Very Pretty Puppies of Asgirth, who were extremely soft and cuddly until you fell on them, when they became extremely soft and flat.
29 A kind of ancient version of a hoodie.
30 There was a species of dragon that could breathe fire while they were still inside their shells. Of course, this made hard-boiled eggs and the species became extinct.
31 In Bellingen, the town I live outside of, there is an island that is home to seventy-thousand flying foxes. When it rains, the smell of bat pee as you drive by is overwhelming, but people living nearby hardly notice it. This has absolutely nothing to do with Bloat, who even now curls up and begins to whimper at the slightest hint of pee fumes.
32 He wasn’t, actually. When Primrose had turned him down he had become a monk, the first dragon to do so, and was now living in a ditch in a remote monastery in Silesia unable to think of anything but the image of his lost love.
33 On the other hand, there would probably be even more Hello Kitty, pink glitter and reality TV shows.
34 A whole seven months beyond her years, in fact.
35 See page 151 for some examples of how to talk Orfly Posh.
36 This might seem surprising to us nowadays, but in those days there was a lot more chivalry about and, after all, everyone wore a coat.
37 Because nail clippers had not yet been invented, the toenail trimming involved a lot of kneeling on the ground and nibbling with his teeth.
38 I lived in England for a very long time and in England there are lots of signs that say ‘The North’. As a small child I assumed there was a town called The North and I used to wonder why we never arrived there even though we often drove towards it. I now realise that The North is a strange legendary place where all the rainbows end. There were nowhere near as many signs saying ‘The South’ or ‘The West’ and I don’t remember ever seeing a single sign saying ‘The East’. Of course, we might have actually been living in The East, but in fact I don’t think The East had been invented when I was young. My favourite place, and one I still think of quite often, was The South-West.
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