by Jan Drexler
The thought that the battle in Fredericksburg had been fought about the time Jonas had written his last letter floated through her mind once more, but she banished it. That was only a coincidence. The reason why his letters hadn’t been coming was because the Union had lost that battle, and things like the mail were in disarray.
Instead of dwelling on the war, Katie closed her eyes, willing her memories of Jonas to fill her mind. Memories of his happy grin as he set these walls in place. Memories of that special look he gave her as they parted at the end of the day. The promise that one day, they would never be parted. But a different thought crept in, that the curse was working against them. That Jonas was lying dead in a field in Virginia, or in a shallow grave, unmarked and forgotten. Her eyes flew open. If she didn’t keep busy, that vision would stay with her all day long and into the night, as it often had during the last week.
She went home, following her footsteps from earlier that morning. Mama would be wondering where she was.
By noon, the families had arrived, and the house was filled with noise. Even Katie’s sisters had come with their families. Everyone was hungry after the morning’s fast, and the table was filled with special dishes Mama had learned to make as a young girl in Germany. Papa had butchered the hogs earlier in December, so fresh sausage had a place in nearly every part of the feast, including the delicious mincemeat pie. Katie always thought Mama’s mincemeat was tastier than others she had tried because she used sausage instead of plain ground meat.
After dinner, Katie gave gave presents to the nieces and nephews who lived farthest away, since they had spent Christmas with their other grandparents. All six little girls, except for Margaret, who considered herself too old for dolls, ran upstairs to Katie’s bedroom to play. The little boys went out to the barn with their fathers to help Papa with the afternoon chores, and the women settled in the front room, watching the babies play.
“I hear your friend Jonas is off to war,” Susanna said, her little Barbli asleep on her lap. “You must miss him.”
“Ja, for sure I do.” Katie didn’t want to talk about Jonas. Not today. “Did I see that Barbli has a new tooth?”
But the effort to change the subject was unsuccessful.
“He was in that awful battle in Virginia, wasn’t he?” Karl’s wife, Mary, asked. “It was all Salome Beiler would talk about yesterday when she dropped by our house.”
Katie wasn’t sure why Levi’s mother would be talking about Jonas.
“Does Salome know something about Jonas that we don’t?” Lena asked. Mama was holding baby Trina while Lena entertained little Ruth with some blocks. “I know that Levi and Jonas are good friends.”
Mary leaned forward, ready to gossip. “Salome said that Levi brought home a newspaper, and Jonas’s name was in the list of soldiers who were missing from the battle.”
Katie’s stomach clenched, but Mary went on.
“You know that means he’s probably been killed, poor boy.” She turned her attention to Katie. “It’s a good thing you didn’t marry him before he left, or you’d be a widow now.”
Katie stared at her sister-in-law, too shocked to say anything, but then Susanna tried to soothe her feelings by saying, “Losing a beau is easier than losing a husband. Mary’s right.”
Running from the room, Katie ignored the exclamations of her family and headed for the door, stopping only long enough to find her bonnet and cape under the piles of wraps in the washing porch. Lena had followed her, and now grabbed her arm. Katie tried to tug away, but Lena’s grip was firm.
“Are you going to let a couple thoughtless comments drive you out of the house?”
Katie’s eyes blurred. “I have to see Levi. I have to ask him if what they said is true.”
“Levi didn’t tell you?”
Shaking her head, Katie leaned into Lena’s embrace. “I need to see the newspaper. I need to know for sure.”
Lena folded Katie in her strong arms. “No matter what the news is, you’ll be all right. Do you understand?”
Katie sniffed, and Lena put a finger under her chin, lifting it as if Katie was one of her children. “I know what I’m talking about. Before I met Hans, I was planning to marry a young man.”
“What happened?”
“He died when a cholera epidemic went through our area. The same epidemic that killed my parents.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“I don’t talk about it. It’s part of the past, not the present. But I want you to know that the Good Lord was with me every step of the way during that dark time. And he’ll be with you, no matter what has happened to Jonas.”
“He must be dead, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know, and neither do you. All you know is what Mary told you. Perhaps she misunderstood what Salome said, or Salome could have been mistaken.”
The sharp cry of a baby came from the front room. “That’s my Trina, hungry again.” Lena gave Katie another hug. “Whatever you do, don’t act rashly. Learn the facts first.”
While Lena went to take care of the baby, Katie went out into the afternoon. The sun had shone all day, and the air wasn’t as bitter as it had been during the last couple weeks. The boys had started a game of catch out by the barn, with Karl and Wilhelm organizing it. Papa and the other men were standing to the side, watching the game and talking. Katie looked down the lane toward the road, traveling the route to the Beilers’ house in her mind. It would take nearly an hour to walk there, and by the time she reached the house, it would be dark. She pressed her lips together, not liking the thought of the long walk alone when she was already tired after a long day.
Her oldest brother Hans walked across the yard to where she stood.
“It’s a little cold out here. Why aren’t you inside with the rest of the girls?” Hans’s tone was conversational, as if Katie’s world wasn’t falling in.
“I . . . Mary said something, and I need to ask Levi Beiler if it’s true.” She took a step toward the farm lane.
“Wait,” Hans said. “It’s late and it’s a long walk to the Beilers’. What do you need to ask him?”
“Mary said that Jonas’s name was on the list of soldiers who were missing.” She looked toward the road again. “I need to see the newspaper for myself, to make sure it is Jonas.”
“Will it change anything if you see the list or not?”
Katie dug her toe into the snow. “Probably not.”
Hans was quiet for a moment, and then stepped closer. “You’re my littlest sister, Katie. I was twenty-one years old and starting to farm on my own when you showed up, so will you listen to some advice?”
Katie sniffed, now cold as well as tired. The afternoon light was bright, but the sun was lowering toward the horizon. “I’ll listen.”
“I understand that you want to see the list in the newspaper. You won’t quite believe what you heard is true until you see it for yourself, ja?”
Katie nodded.
“But you’re upset right now. And it’s a holiday. Are you sure you want to talk to Levi when you’re feeling like this? After all, you won’t only be seeing Levi, but his family too. They’re all gathered to celebrate Old Christmas just like we are.”
The cold air made Katie shiver. “You’re trying to tell me that this isn’t a good time to talk to Levi.”
“That’s what I think.”
“But how will I know—”
“What? If Jonas is really missing?” Hans watched the boys at their game. “You have to leave some things in the Lord’s hands.”
“You’re right, and that’s just what Lydia says.” Through the bare tree branches, she could see lights glowing in the windows of the Weavers’ house. The sun had dipped below the hills in the west and the world was turning to twilight.
“I’ve never known Lydia Weaver to be mistaken about something like that.”
Her brother was right. She could learn a lot from Lydia.
“If you still want to talk to Levi tomo
rrow, I’ll take you to see him then.”
“I don’t want to take you from your work. I’ll walk over after my morning chores are done.”
Hans put his arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. “Don’t go alone. If it is bad news, you won’t want to be by yourself.”
Katie nodded. “You’re right. I’ll ask Ruby and Elizabeth to go with me.”
He hugged her again and went back to the barn and the other men. Katie went back to the house, hoping the others had moved their conversation on to other things. Just before she opened the door, she looked back through the bare trees to the Weavers’ home. Jonas’s home. She would give anything to have him back and safe again. If only this war had never started.
JANUARY 7
Levi stood at the door of Father’s library. No other family he knew had a room like this. It only had one use, and that was to give Father a quiet place to study the Scriptures and to prepare his sermon. Even Bishop worked in a corner of his family’s front room, with a small shelf nearby for his books. But Father’s collection of books was too valuable, he said, to leave them in the open where anything could happen to them.
Looking over his shoulder to make sure he was alone in the house, Levi stepped over to the bookcase. Touching the spine of each book, he read the titles. The Holy Bible, the first American printing from 1743. The Ausbund, the hymnal of the Amish. A slim copy of the Dordrecht Confession. The new copy of the Martyr’s Mirror he had given Father for Christmas.
Levi moved to the lower shelf and selected a thick volume covered with black leather, a collection of Martin Luther’s sermons. He shifted the other books on the lower shelf so that the empty space wouldn’t be noticeable. Father didn’t know how many of his books Levi had borrowed in the past few years. The first time, Levi had asked for permission, but the only answer he had received was a stern look. Since then, Levi hadn’t bothered to ask and Father had never missed them.
Tucking the book under his arm, he ran up the steps to his room, and just in time. The kitchen door opened, and he heard Mother’s voice in the kitchen. He slid the book under his bed, then heard a different voice. Someone was with Mother. He opened his door slightly and the voices drifted up the stairs. His throat went dry when he recognized Katie’s voice.
“My sister-in-law told me that Levi had purchased a newspaper, and that it had Jonas’s name in it.”
“That’s right,” Mother said. Levi could imagine her quick movements as she hung her wool cape on a hook by the kitchen door. “The poor boy. Missing. We can only wonder what that means, can’t we? Levi seems to think it means that Jonas has been killed and they haven’t yet found his remains. But I have to wonder—”
Levi clattered down the stairs, interrupting Mother’s speculations. He had heard her theories about Jonas being lost in the wild forests of Virginia or captured by the enemy often enough. Katie didn’t need to hear them too.
“I have the newspaper here, Katie, if you wish to read it.” Katie, her cheeks pink from the chilly air outside, stood just inside the kitchen door. “Come with me to the front room.”
Katie looked down at her feet. “I really shouldn’t. My shoes are muddy from the walk over here, and Ruby and Elizabeth are waiting for me outside.”
“Ach, I forgot,” Mother said. “They must come in. You must all have something hot to drink after your long walk.” She clucked her tongue. “Go back to the mud porch, Katie dear, and take off your shoes. Call your friends, and tell them the same. I’ll fix some hot chocolate for us all, and we have a cake Millie made this morning. Come in, come in.”
As Katie and the others took off their shoes and outer wraps, Levi got out the cups and dishes. Mother measured the chocolate for the hot drink.
As they came into the kitchen, Levi fetched a chair from the front room, and the newspaper he had purchased in Berlin on Friday. He had planned to tell Katie about Jonas when they were alone, so he could comfort her while she leaned on his shoulder and cried. He had the entire scene planned in his mind, but somehow Katie knew already. How did she find out?
As Katie sat at the table, she reached for the newspaper. “I have to see if what I heard is true.”
Katie’s brow peaked in the middle in a worried frown that Levi thought was beautiful. “I’ll show you where it is.”
As Jonas’s sisters looked on, Levi turned to the second page of the paper and turned it so the page faced out, as he had seen Jonas do. He folded it in half, and then quarters, so the list of names was in the center of the page, and handed it to Katie.
“See, right here.” He pointed with his finger as he leaned close to Katie. “His name is at the end of this list.”
Katie looked at the name for a long minute as her face turned white, then she passed the paper to Ruby, who showed it to Elizabeth.
“Do you want cream in your chocolate?” Mother held a small pitcher in her hand.
“Not right now, Mother,” Levi said, embarrassed by her insensitivity.
Mother pressed her lips together but put the cream down and was silent.
Ruby put her arm around Elizabeth. “May we take this notice with us?” she asked. “Our parents will want to see it.”
Levi nodded his head. “For sure. It won’t give them any comfort, though.”
“It’s probably just as well that this happened,” Mother said. “At least this way Jonas is no longer with the army.”
“Mother,” Levi said, his face burning. “Please don’t say any more.”
Katie stood, her hands shaking. “We must go.”
“But you haven’t eaten your cake,” Mother said.
Katie glanced at Elizabeth, whose tears were spilling down her cheeks. “We’re not hungry. Really. We must get home.”
The three girls went out into the mud porch where they stopped to put on their shoes and wraps.
Levi turned to Mother. “I’m going to walk them home. This news has upset them.”
Mother looked at the table, the cups of chocolate that hadn’t been touched and the cake in the center, ready to serve. “I can see that.” She started stacking the clean plates together. “Levi, I’m so glad you are a kind and thoughtful son, and not one who would run off to war because of some ideal, or duty, or whatever.” She frowned as she stood to place the plates back into the cupboard. “Jonas was very thoughtless to do this to his family.”
“He didn’t intend for this to happen.” Levi had his hand on the door latch, afraid the girls would leave without him.
“It doesn’t matter what he intended, does it?” Mother took a drink of her chocolate. “What matters is that the boy is missing, and now his family has to pay for his impetuous actions.”
“Jonas is my friend, but you don’t seem to care that he might be injured, or worse. Don’t you wonder where he is?”
Mother frowned. “For sure I do, but don’t lose sight of what is important. Jonas joined the army, which is against everything Scripture teaches. His life is in God’s hands, of course, but I think that when you turn your back on God, nothing good will come of it.”
Levi stared at her. “Scripture also teaches compassion, Mother, and love. Whether Jonas has turned his back on God or not isn’t for us to decide. The Good Lord knows his heart, just as he knows yours and mine.”
He grabbed his coat and hat and shut the door behind him. Sliding his feet into his shoes, he ran to catch up with Katie and the others.
“Let me walk home with you,” he said as he reached them.
Katie slipped in a pile of snow and he reached for her arm, but she pulled away.
Levi watched her walk on. She acted as if she was angry with him.
“Katie, what is wrong?”
Ruby glared at him. “You don’t know? Why did we have to come here to find out about our brother? Why didn’t you let us know as soon as you heard the news?”
The snow was soft, and mud showed at the bottom of their footprints. “I wanted to tell you myself.”
Ruby
and Katie turned and walked on, catching up to Elizabeth who hadn’t stopped her determined steps, following a wheel track in the road. He ran to catch up to them again, and Katie faced him, her eyes red and her cheeks splotchy.
“I had to hear about Jonas from my sister-in-law, Levi. She heard the news from your mother.” She wiped at her cheek as a tear spilled, tracing a path toward her chin. “What else have you learned about him that you’re keeping from me?”
“I . . .” Levi shrugged. He had no excuse. “I wanted to spare your feelings. I was going to tell you.”
“When? In the spring? Or after he . . . he appeared on the casualty list?”
Levi shook his head and took a step closer to her. Ruby and Elizabeth had stopped and were watching them. “I wanted to tell you sometime when we were alone. So that you wouldn’t have to go through something like this.” He glanced over his shoulder at the house behind him. Mother’s reaction to the news had been embarrassing, but she wouldn’t be the only one in the church with that opinion. Turning back to Katie, he took her hand, and she let him. “I only wanted to do what I thought would be best for you. That’s what friends do.”
Katie’s expression hardened, her cheeks red with cold. Levi longed to wrap her in his arms so she could cry on his shoulder as long as she needed to, but she turned from him and continued the long walk home. She didn’t want his comfort. She didn’t need him. He sighed and turned back toward the house.
JANUARY 10
A month after the Battle of Fredericksburg, Jonas had recovered from his wound but was still a captive.
In the first confused days, he lay in a hospital tent in the Confederate camp outside of Fredericksburg, where General Stonewall Jackson’s brigade had their winter camp. Once he had recovered from his wound, he was put to work as an aide in the hospital. He was assigned to see to the comfort of his captor, Major MacGregor, who was recovering from the amputation of his left arm. By the first week in January, the major was moved to his own quarters in the care of Jonas and the major’s aide, Captain Charles Meredith, and their cook, Private Hiram Norris.