“This. Human. Can. See. Our. Kind?” Satan’s voice barreled through the void like a cannon’s thunder, and I felt each syllable shake my ribs.
“Yes, Lord Satan. He is useful and can help us win this war,” Charlotte said without raising her head.
“Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.” The sound seemed to last forever, and I wondered if I should be kneeling on the ground like Charlotte.
There was silence again, and I saw one of the succubus women whisper in the giant man’s ear. His red-fire eyes traveled the distance between us like a laser beam, and I felt his evil flip my mind upside down. I had to glance away, and my eyes fell back to the winged women at his feet.
The succubus that had been licking her fingers while she looked at me spread her legs. She was actually wearing a bikini, but the small piece of cloth did little but cover up the exact spot where her woman parts were. She pulled the two fingers out of her mouth, slid them down her neck, over the black cloth of her top where I guessed her nipple was, and down her taut stomach to her...
Well, I pretty much forgot all about Satan.
The other succubi seemed to realize that their sister was having fun teasing me, and they each attempted to one up each other so they would capture my attention. In a few short seconds, the scene at Satan’s feet had turned into one of the videos that most eighteen-year-old boys liked to watch, only these women were all beyond beautiful, and I guessed that my computer would have overheated if I had played it.
“I. Will. Meet. This. Human.” The voice filled the massive room, and Satan stood from his skull throne.
The succubi seemed startled by his action, and they all stopped their erotic activities so that they could gawk at their lord. He took the first step down the impossibly tall staircase, and the women made as if to reach for him. The massive demon took another step down, and he shrugged off one of the girls who had attached herself to his shoulder and tried to suck on his skin there.
Then the Lord of Demons took another step. Then another.
I felt as if my heart, brain, and stomach would explode with terror.
I fell to my knees and put my bloody hands to my temples. My vision was twisting, turning, and spinning. I heard the distant laughter of the succubus women sitting near the throne, but I couldn’t pull my eyes from Satan as he descended the stairs. Each step brought the massive Lord of Evil closer to me. Each step brought him closer to torturing me. Each step meant that I had one less second to live. It was as if I was stuck on a pair of railroad tracks and a train was approaching, but I was too terrified to move.
Satan’s wings flapped in the air, and the gust of wind felt as if it would tear my skin from my face. My eyes burned with his magnificence. His evil. His aura of terror. His--
My mouth opened, and I almost gasped with surprise. The Lord of Evil was about halfway down the stairs now, and he didn’t look quite as big as I thought he was originally. I blinked a few times and then pulled my glasses off to blink again. My vision wasn’t that good with the lenses off, but I could still make out the size of the demon.
He seemed kind of small.
I put my glasses back on and squinted. He was about three quarters down the stairs now, and I didn’t really have much to compare his size to, but he seemed to be shrinking. He took another step, and I looked at Charlotte to see if she was observing the same weirdness I was, but the succubus still knelt with her forehead touching the tiles of the throne room.
I realized that my mouth was hanging open, and I closed it with a dry smack. Then Satan reached the base of the stairs and took a few short steps over to stand before me.
“Hey, kid! Nice to meet ya. I’m Satan,” the Lord of Evil said as he held out a red-skinned hand.
I stood from my knees and took the demon’s hand without thinking. His grip was strong, but his hand was much smaller than mine. I actually had to look down to see his glowing red eyes and the crown that floated above his head like a divine hologram.
The Lord of Evil stood about five feet tall. Horns included.
“This is the part where you tell me your name. It’s called an introduction. Fucking Millennials. I swear to myself,” the tiny Lord of Evil said with a dry chuckle. He sounded like an old Jewish grandpa.
“Ummm. I’m Sherman.” My voice came out as a squeak, and I was having trouble breathing.
“Sherman! It’s a fine name. Ahhh, yes.” He stared up at me with burning eyes of malevolence, and I felt every hair on my body stand on end. “Yep! Ya got power, kid. It’s good stuff. I mean, hey, not every day a human mortal can see our kind. Eh?”
“Ummm. No?” I raised both my eyebrows and felt my mouth curl into a grimace.
“So let’s have a chat! Come and walk with me. We’ll talk in my sitting room.” Satan held onto my right arm at the elbow and pulled on me lightly.
We walked a few feet away from the base of the stairs, and there was suddenly a couch, coffee table, lamps, and small fire brazier. The floor seemed to have shifted, and the furniture sprang out of the tiles almost instantly. He gestured to one side of the couch, and we sat together.
“Can I get you something to eat? How about drink? I’ve got water, any kind of soda you could want, booze, and I’ve even got some Prigat juice. You had that before? I get the kind that tastes like bananas. Shit is crazy.”
“No, I’ve never had it--”
“Good! Gonna blow your mind. You’ll love it. Charlotte!” The Lord of Evil’s voice suddenly turned into a demonic roar.
“Yes Lord Satan?” my girlfriend said as she knelt at the side of the couch near the tiny god of Hell.
“For the love of me. Girl you need a shower, and a new change of clothes, but first, get Sherman and me some bottles of Prigat, okay? Oh, and some of those hamantaschen cookies. Not the shitty boxed ones. Get us the ones Lilith just baked for me. They are in a big bowl on the kitchen table.”
“Yes, Lord Satan.” Charlotte backed away on her knees without looking at the Lord of Evil. When she was a good ten feet from the couch, she stood and sprinted toward the far side of the throne room.
“Soooo,” Satan said as he turned on the couch to face me. “Did you have a pleasant trip here? I’m always a little interested in hearing what living mortals have to say about my realm when they first visit.”
“It was. Ummm. Kind of scary?” I didn’t really understand what the Lord of Hell was looking for.
“Scary! That’s what I’m going for kid. Gotta put fear into people, ya know? Did you have any trouble getting here?”
“Yeah, actually. We got attac--”
“Ahh, there is the drink and cookies,” Satan said as my mostly naked girlfriend set a six pack of juice bottles on the table next to a big Christmas themed bowl of triangle-shaped cookies.
“Is there anything else you desire, Lord Satan?” my girlfriend asked. There was no disguising the tone of her voice, and I felt my heart spin out of control with jealousy.
“Naw. Go get in the shower. You’re distracting my new friend here with your shadayeem. Ha!” Satan let out a laugh and then turned to me. “You like this one, huh?”
“Ummm.”
“No, Lord Satan. He does not like me,” the beautiful succubus said. She stared at me with glowing eyes, and I felt my jealous heart miss a few beats.
“Ahhh. I could have sworn I just asked the kid, and not you. What happens when my girls speak out of turn?”
“You spank them?” Charlotte asked with a raised eyebrow, and the other succubi cavorting on the stairs all let out a mixture of gasps and giggles.
“Yep, or I don’t. Depends on if the particular girl likes it or not, but enough of that. Go get cleaned up. Sherman,” the demon king said as he turned back to me and stroked his thick black beard. “I forgot what we were talking about. Oh, did you try the juice? How about the cookies?”
“I’ll try them now,” I said as I opened a bottle, took a drink, and tried not to stare at Charlotte’s mostly naked butt when she walked away.
“It is good!” I gasped after my first sip.
“I knew you would like it. Ha! Now try the cookies. Lilith sends me some every week or so. She’s one hell of a baker. Nothing tastes better than cookies baked with hate and hellfire.”
“Hate?” I asked as I was about to take a bite out of one of the cookies.
“Yeah, hate. She doesn’t like me all that much. I don’t blame her though. I'm an asshole. What do you think?”
“Ummm, should I eat something that someone who hates you ma--”
“Listen, kid. Sherman, I can tell you are a little out of your element here. Hey, I’m thinking you are the kind of guy that is never really in your element. Know what I mean? But ya can’t just go over to someone’s house and then not eat cookies they offer you. Kind of rude, yah?” Satan had let go of his pitchfork so that he might gesture with that hand while he spoke, and the weapon stood straight in the air as if it were on an invisible rack.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t want to be rude.” I took a bite of the cookie. It tasted slightly of cheese and apricot. It was amazingly good, and I couldn’t help but gasp when my brain processed the deliciousness.
“Ahhh. You like them! I can tell. Have all you want.” The demon lord gestured to the Christmas bowl, and I took another few.
“It is really good.”
“Yep. So anyways, thanks for coming to Hell. I don’t get a lot of mortals interested in coming here.”
“Charlotte actually pulled me through the portal. I didn’t want to--”
“She’s a good girl, huh? Do you like her? You seem like the kind of guy who, no offense, would follow an ass like that anywhere. Even Hell.”
“Actually I really--”
“I’ve showered and changed, Lord Satan,” Charlotte landed next to the couch and fell into a kneeling position. Her hair was still wet, along with her new school uniform blouse and skirt. It looked like she hadn’t even bothered to dry off before she put on the clothes.
“Ahh. Good. I guess you can leave or something. Do whatever you want until I call you,” Satan said before he took a sip from the juice bottle. It looked really big in his tiny hands.
“Lord Satan, I have brought you the boy. May I please sit in your shadow and listen to your illustrious voice as you speak with him?” Charlotte bowed again and placed her forehead against the tiles.
“Ehhh. This is guy talk, Charlotte. You wouldn’t find it interesting,” Satan said, and there was a giggle above us from the throne.
“I will not speak or interfere. I only want to be near you, my lord.” My girlfriend reached her hand out as she spoke, and her fingers touched the dark pants that Satan wore.
“Ehh, fine, but you can’t be hanging all over me. I need my personal space sometimes. Go sit over there and don’t interrupt us.” Satan pointed to a spot on the other side of the coffee table, and a matching black leather couch ascended from the ground.
“Thank you, my lord,” Charlotte said as she moved to sit across from us. Her eyes met mine for half a second, but I couldn’t really understand what she meant with the strange look she gave me.
“Alright. Now where were we?” Satan asked as he looked back at me.
“You were asking me about my feelings for--”
“Listen, kid. I’m going to be honest with you. Which is kind of funny because I’m the Lord of Lies, but I need your help. That’s why you are here.” Satan shook his head and then took a cookie from the bowl.
“You need my help?”
“Yes. See, here is the deal: I’ve got this whole war thing going on. Been doing it for a thousand years or so, ever since JC died, but things aren't looking good for us.”
“JC?” I asked.
“Jesus, fucking, Christ. Didn’t you pay attention in school? Shit man. They really need to fix the school systems on Earth. Maybe I’ll have my people look into that once we win this war.”
“Oh. I know about Jesus. Sorry. I just… Um… I didn’t--”
“You didn’t think I’d be talking about him, I understand. I kinda liked the guy. Lots of people think I did him in, but I’m gonna point the finger at Lucifer. That fucking dick bag has been a thorn in my ass ever since God kicked him out of his house. Know what I mean?”
“I’m sorry, Satan. I am really confused,” I admitted. “Please don’t be offended, but I always thought you and Lucifer were the same person.” I was surprised I was able to speak without stuttering, especially since Charlotte was staring at me.
“Ugh. You see? This is what I am talking about. No. Different lords of evil. Actually, I’m the only real Lord of Evil. Lucy’s just a poser. God kicked him out of the house, and that little emo kid decided that he wanted a piece of my realm. Trouble is, that boy band lead singer isn’t as dumb as I always thought he was, and he’s been cutting into my turf. Taking more of Hell as his own and turning it into the Abyss. Really fucking bugging me. I’m fighting two wars here. This one in Hell, and the one on Earth against the paranormals, monsters, angels, and Lucy’s agents. Get me?” Satan gestured with his hand as he finished his question, and then he took another sip of his banana juice.
“I think I can understand that. Ummm, except I don’t really understand the war on Earth. Charlotte didn’t have a chance to explain it to me on the trip.” There was something weird about talking to Satan. At the start of the conversation, I’d been beyond terrified, but now I was feeling like the demon was kind of nice. Well, maybe not nice, since he was the Lord of Hell, but I had expected him to eat my soul and feast on my bones. Instead he had given me some cookies and juice. I didn’t feel nervous talking to him.
“Ahh, she didn’t?” the little red devil looked at Charlotte. The girl opened her mouth to speak, but Satan shushed her with a motion of his fingers.
“I’m gonna lay it out for you, but you gotta promise me one thing.”
“Okay,” I agreed with some hesitation.
“You can’t tell any other mortal about it. We aren’t really allowed to talk about it. Kind of ruins the whole 'invisible war' thing.”
“Oh. That’s pretty easy. I don’t talk to a lot people. They tend to forget about me.”
“That’s good to hear,” Satan said with a laugh, and I wondered if the Lord of Evil was actually paying attention when I spoke.
“So here is what happened in simple terms: Christ died, God got really mad. Like ears smoking and all that stuff. He yelled at me. I yelled back. He yelled at Lucy. The fallen-son-male model yelled back, and can you believe that fucker blamed me? I told them both to go fuck themselves. God gets all pissed off, throws a fit like you wouldn’t believe, and then he just leaves.” Satan shook his head and then chewed on another cookie. His eyes seem distant, and I guessed that the tiny demon was recalling his last conversation with God.
“He just left? What does that mean?”
“He left a note. Said ‘treat my next Earth child with respect.’ That’s it.” Satan sighed and leaned back into the black leather of his couch.
“Then what?” I asked.
“Whadda ya mean ‘then what?’ What kind of question is that?” Satan seemed annoyed, and some of the terror crept back into my stomach.
“Sorry, I’m just not drawing a line between God’s note and the war on Earth.”
“Ahh, okay. So, you’ve got me, and my demons. Lucifer and his devils. The supernaturals, those are like your werewolves, vampires, elves, dwarfs, shit out of fantasy novels. Then you’ve got the monsters: Big foot, lizard people. They aren’t anything close to humans. Finally, you’ve got that brick-for-brains Gabriel and his celestials.”
“But why are you fighting?” I asked.
“Cause we want God’s child of course! Listen, Sherman, whoever has control of Earth will probably find the brat. So the battle is taking place everywhere. God loved you human mortals though, and as soon as JC died, he made it so that we couldn’t see each other unless we revealed our immortal forms. We’ve debated this point for years, but I know the guy really well, he�
��s clever, and didn’t want us to catch his next offspring. This was a good way to make the battle difficult, while he went fishing, or whatever the fuck he’s been doing for the last few thousand years. Yada yada, yada.” Satan sat back on the couch and nodded after he finished his story.
“But why do you want God’s child? Ummm… Are you going to kill him or her?” I asked
“Me? Naw. I want to recruit him! Can you imagine if I had the next Christ on my side? I’d take Hell back from Lucifer in a New York minute. I’d have the power of the Heavens and Hell. I could take God’s place and remake the universe in my fashion. I’d make it way sexier, and red. Of course, if Christ Junior doesn’t want to join my side. I’d just have to murder him. Can’t have him working with anyone else. Bad for business.” Satan’s lips pulled into a grin that showed gleaming white teeth.
“And the other sides of the war? They want to recruit this person also?”
“Ehh, maybe. I would imagine Lucy would. Gabriel definitely wants the kid. I think the supes do also, but it could depend on who grabs him first. If the vamps get him, they might just suck all his blood for power, or maybe try to change him. Werewolves will also want to change him. I dunno about the other supes. I’m pretty sure the monsters would kill him, or sacrifice him to Hastur, or his dimwitted brother Cthulhu. It isn’t just about the child though. There aren’t that many human souls left on Earth. Whoever wins the war gets all of them. Finding Christ is a secondary, but very important objective. You understand?”
“I think I do.”
“Good, cause that is where you come in.” Satan cracked his small knuckles and then leaned forward toward me. “Charlotte says you can see our kind. Is that true?”
“Ummm, yeah. I never realized it was strange though. I just always thought that the world was made up of humans and nonhumans.”
“You are funny, Sherman. Ha! And maybe you are a bit of an idiot, but that’s okay. I still like you. I’d like to offer you a job.”
“A job? Ummm, what kind of job?” I asked
“Working for me of course. See, high school is an important time. A lot of Earth’s Soldiers don’t realize what they are until they start to go through puberty. The war is really focused on high schools, because there is a higher than average chance that someone might slip up and show their true form. Then the other sides will pounce!” Satan slammed his fist into his palm, and I jumped with surprise.
02- Satan! Page 9