by Liliana Hart
“And how do I know you’re not going to skew the tests?” he asked. “Make it look worse than it is?”
“You hit a man on a bicycle and left the scene and you’re worried about me making it look worse than it is?” I asked, stupefied.
Cole stepped across the threshold and I could tell by the look on his face he’d heard what Floyd had said.
“I’ll escort you to the bathroom so we can make sure that you’re not the one skewing the tests,” Cole said. “And then I’ll escort you to your truck so you and your attorney can watch us comb over every inch. I hope you’re not paying him too much. He seems like a real dud.”
“You picked the wrong side,” Floyd told him.
“Why? Because I didn’t fall in line with you and your goons. Not everyone rolls over for money.”
“They do eventually.”
“I’m under the impression that you’re not taking what’s going on here very seriously. All we can do is conduct the investigation to the best of our ability.” Cole’s smile was harsh. “And then we hand everything over to the district attorney, and you’ll have to deal with him. Word on the street is you and the DA aren’t the best of friends. Didn’t you accuse him of corruption not too long ago?”
The smirk on Floyd’s face disappeared, and his eyes narrowed slightly. I packed up my stuff quickly and closed my bag, wanting to take a step back in case Floyd decided to use his tackling skills on Cole.
“Here’s what I think,” Cole said, his voice softer. “I think you think you’re a master at chess, but you’re barely adequate at checkers. You misplayed your hand this time. I think you’ve gotten cocky and didn’t actually understand the ramifications of your noble confession. Here’s what you don’t understand and won’t ever understand. The victim is our priority. Accidents happen to good people. They also happen to bad people. It’s just the nature of things. But there’s a legal responsibility, even when it’s an accident. So we’ll do our job here because we believe in what we do and we owe it to the victim. And how you’ll pay for the accident will be up to the DA. Let me give you a tip—it’s best not to piss off all of the people you’d have to work with in a public service position.”
Floyd stood up and grabbed the plastic cup off the table. Cole was tall, but Floyd had him beat by a couple of inches.
“Enjoy your job while you have it,” Floyd said. “When I’m sheriff you’ll be the first to go.”
“I wouldn’t work for a douchebag like you if I was offered ten times my salary.” Cole turned to me. “Have a great day, Doc.”
“It’s getting better by the minute,” I told him. If I could have, I would’ve given Cole a big hug. “I’ll meet you out front once he fills the jar, and I’ll make the results a priority.”
Cole led Floyd to the bathroom at the end of the hall, and I felt lighter of heart as I made my way back to the reception area. Jack was there waiting for me, and he looked quizzically at whatever expression was on my face.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“Cole deserves a raise,” I told him.
“Most of the cops here do,” he said. “You got what you needed?”
“Cole is supervising the urine sample as we speak.” I handed Jack my bag and reached for my jacket. I noticed it wasn’t as unbearably hot in the station and figured someone from maintenance had finally made their way in to get things fixed.
“Good,” he said. “I’m going to wrap things up here in the next couple of hours, and then we need to go talk to Brett Jorgenson’s wife. Floyd might not have killed him, but there’s a possibility someone did.”
6
I took a detour and drove through Taco Casa on the way back to the funeral home. My stomach would regret it after having nothing solid the last couple of days, but it would feel good in the moment. I’d take the consequences like a big girl later.
I’d noticed both Sheldon’s and Lily’s cars in the parking area, along with Emmy Lu’s, so I was guessing they’d cleared everything with the morning funeral. I looked down at my watch and realized there’d be people coming in for a viewing in less than four hours, so they were all probably handling last-minute preparations.
But when I walked in, Lily and Emmy Lu were sitting at the island having lunch. It was a cozy scene, and both of their faces lit up the moment they saw me.
“Please tell me what I’m hearing is true,” Emmy Lu said, hopping up to take my wet things and hang them up before I dripped all over the place. I hated to tell her, but unless I stripped down naked, I was going to make a mess.
“Did Floyd Parker really turn himself in for killing that cyclist this morning?” she asked. “I screamed into the phone the second my mother called me.”
I’d forgotten that Emmy Lu’s mother worked at the courthouse. She would’ve heard about the warrants almost as soon as they’d been granted.
Emmy Lu went to turn on the coffeepot, making everything she did look easy and efficient, and then she turned back to look at me. “You look like a drowned rat. Did you jump in a pool?”
My teeth started to chatter. “Rain gear doesn’t work as well when the rain comes sideways. It’s a mess out there. I don’t recommend it. And yes, Floyd came and turned himself in for hitting the cyclist.”
“It’s all over town,” Lily said, stabbing lettuce from her salad onto her fork. “I’m not even from here, and by the time we were wrapping up over at the church, I started to hear all the rumblings that something funny was going on at the sheriff’s office. Lots of people thought maybe Floyd had come to do something spiteful like measure for curtains in Jack’s office, but old Mrs. Meador said she was betting that Floyd and Jack were just going to fight it out right there in the town square. She said it’d be like the gladiators and she’d vote for whoever was still standing come Tuesday.”
“Glad to know where she stands,” I said dryly. “The old bat.”
I put my soggy bag of tacos down on the island. A normal person probably would’ve felt guilty for eating a bag of tacos while sitting next to two women who were eating salads, but I mostly felt sad for them that they were missing out on tacos in favor of lettuce. I was going to take advantage of my good metabolism for as long as I could.
“You’re dripping,” Emmy Lu said, handing me a cup of coffee and then going back to her salad.
I looked down at my feet and saw the puddle gathering beneath me. “Sorry,” I said. “I’m going to change clothes and run down to the lab so I can run the tox on this blood and urine sample. I’ll be back in a second. Don’t touch my tacos.”
I was running low on clothes in my office, so I grabbed a black pair of leggings and dug around in the closet until I found a soft sweater in an ivory color. I remembered why I’d shoved it back there. I looked terrible in ivory. My skin was already so pale it washed me out completely. But beggars couldn’t be choosers at this point.
I grabbed my clothes and then brought them down to the lab with me. I set up the analysis machine for the blood samples, and then used a separate test for the urine sample. I wasn’t expecting anything to come back positive. Floyd wasn’t a stupid man. But I’d been surprised by drug and alcohol tests before.
Once I got everything going I quickly changed clothes and wrapped a towel around my head. That was another problem with long hair. It was definitely time to cut it short again.
I headed back up to the kitchen, and Lily and Emmy Lu were still sitting at the island, their salads gone, but a big apple pie sat between the two of them. Now that I saw the pie I could appreciate their healthy lunch choice.
“Want some pie?” Emmy Lu asked, cutting a large slice and putting it on a paper plate.
“Am I breathing?” I asked.
I pulled up a stool and opened my bag of tacos. “So how’d it go this morning?” I asked Lily. “Any problems?”
Lily and Emmy Lu looked at each other, and then Emmy Lu ducked her head down and I saw her shoulders shaking with laughter.
“What happened?” I
asked, narrowing my eyes at Lily.
“Nothing happened,” she said quickly. “There’s nothing to worry about. Promise. The funeral went off without a hitch, and we were able to do the burial before the rain started. The reception was in that little side room at the church, and I didn’t think we’d ever get out of there once the rain started. Mrs. Meador found an extra bottle of communion wine, and I thought Reverend Thomas was going to have a heart attack when he saw her passing out shots. I’ve never seen anyone talk to a priest like that before.”
“Mrs. Meador is old as dirt,” Emmy Lu said. “My mother always said hell was probably terrified to get her. Hurry up and tell the rest of what happened. I’m about to burst.”
“Well,” Lily said, biting her bottom lip. “It was during the funeral service for Ms. Randolph, and I kept hearing this noise. I thought there were maybe some kittens or something trapped in the wall at the church. It was real distracting, and some of the mourners on the back row kept turning around.”
Emmy Lu snorted out a laugh and silent tears were running down her cheeks as she rocked back and forth on the stool. She couldn’t even put a bite of pie in her mouth.
“It was Sheldon,” Lily said, her eyes full of compassion.
“What was he doing?” I asked.
“He was crying,” she said, and her eyes got even bigger. “I thought it was a real uplifting service, but something must have triggered him because he was a slobbering mess by the time I pulled him out of the little storage closet and got him outside.”
Emmy Lu started laughing harder and I thought she might pass out. “Emmy Lu, what’s so funny? It’s a little sad. I don’t think he’s been right ever since we got back from that morticians’ convention.”
I looked back at Lily, trying to decide if I needed to have Emmy Lu committed, and I noticed Lily’s mouth was twitching in her attempts not to laugh.
“That’s not the funny part,” Lily said. “I thought it would do him some good to get some fresh air and walk around a little bit, but I didn’t realize his eyes were so swollen.”
“Oh no,” I said.
“Oh yes,” she answered. “We had the grave site all set up with the tent and the grave was roped off, but Sheldon couldn’t really see where he was going and he hit the tent pole straight on and then tripped over the little concrete divider. He caught himself on the podium, only he caught himself with his face. I think he’s going to have a couple of black eyes.” She winced, but I hadn’t been able to do anything but stare at her with my mouth hanging open.
“Please tell me no one saw this,” I said, closing my eyes. “We’ll be known as the funeral home for clowns. I’ve buried a professional clown before. Their shoes don’t fit in the casket.”
“No one saw,” she said hurriedly. “But that’s not all.”
“I’m not sure it can get worse,” I said.
“Oh, it can,” Emmy Lu said, wiping her eyes and making a strange wheezing noise as she tried to catch her breath.
“I don’t know what happened,” Lily said. “But next thing I know Sheldon is going ass over teakettle into the grave.”
“Oh God,” I said, glad I was sitting down.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “No one saw that part either. But you know how muddy it’s been, so it was real slick in there. Fortunately, the crew was there early for the burial, and one of the guys was able to get him out with the Bobcat before the service let out. Sheldon was a real mess. I put him in the back of the Suburban with a towel and told him to stay there until the funeral was over.”
“Good thinking,” I said. I looked down and noticed the empty taco wrappers. “Who ate my tacos?”
“You did,” Lily said. “You just consumed all three while I was telling the story. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Hmm,” I said. “In that case I’ll have my pie. Where is Sheldon now?”
“He’s lying down in viewing room three with an ice pack on his face,” she said. “We’ve got the memorial service tonight, but I’m thinking he might need to sit that one out too.”
I winced. “He’s going to need to be there,” I said. “We’ve had a case come up, and I’m going to be in the field the rest of the day. Put some of the makeup we use on the bodies on him. If it can cover up bullet wounds it should be able to cover a couple of black eyes.”
Lily’s face lit. “That’s a good idea. Poor Sheldon. It’s like having a puppy around all the time. You never know what he’s going to get into.”
Emmy Lu had finally gotten control of herself. Her face was red and her hair looked like she’d stuck her finger in a light socket. She cleared her throat.
“Don’t think you’ve sidestepped the whole Floyd Parker issue,” Emmy Lu said. “Tell us what happened.”
“It’s sounds like you know more than I do,” I said. “Though I didn’t see Floyd measuring for curtains, and there are no plans for a brawl in the middle of the square that I’ve been made aware of.”
“Bummer,” Lily said. “I’d have paid to see that.”
Emmy Lu nodded in agreement. “But he did come in and confess?”
“That’s the tricky part,” I said. “The victim this morning wasn’t killed by a hit-and-run. He had a massive heart attack after taking a high volume of amphetamines. Floyd just happened to be driving by when the cyclist died.”
“So he’s not a murderer?” Lily asked, disappointment in her voice. “I bet he’s murdered someone at some point. He’s such a scuzz. He likes to intimidate women. I told him the next time he crowds me I’m going to shove my car key in the soft part of his throat.”
“Floyd Parker and his brother are both bad news,” Emmy Lu said. “Everyone from Bloody Mary knows it. It’s the people in the other towns he’s snowed with his charm. But I’ve always said there will come a day when they get their comeuppance.”
“Who are you talking about?” Sheldon asked from the doorway.
We all jumped. None of us had seen him creep into the room.
“Good Lord,” I heard Emmy Lu whisper.
“You have a towel on your head,” he told me.
“Yes, thank you,” I said, holding my tongue so I didn’t call him Captain Obvious.
Lily had been right. Sheldon was a mess. Both of his eyes were black and his nose was swollen almost twice the size. Sheldon looked like the lovechild of the Pillsbury Doughboy and Bob’s Big Boy. He was in his early twenties, but his sandy hair was thinning on top and he wore thick Coke-bottle glasses. He came up to my shoulders in height, and he wore a lot of shades of brown—beige pants, brown checkered shirt, brown bow tie.
“You need to keep ice on that nose,” I told him. “Is it broken?”
“I don’t think so,” Sheldon said. “I came to get more ice.” He shuffled to the refrigerator, but Emmy Lu got off her stool and shooed him away, taking his ice bag from him and filling it herself.
“Did you know that more than one and a half million people visit the emergency room with facial injuries each year?” Sheldon asked. “And the most common injury is a fractured nose. Because of the protuberance.”
“Fascinating,” Emmy Lu said, handing him the ice pack.
He nodded seriously. “I’ve always thought so. Like when Dr. Graves punched Floyd Parker in the nose. It’s an easy and effective target.”
“I’m still sorry I missed that one,” Emmy Lu said with a sigh.
Sheldon pulled up a stool and put the ice bag on his face. “I’ve always felt it’s my calling to be a mortician. But I’ll admit I’m going to miss my forays into the world of crime. I can only assume that Floyd will let you go from the position.”
Emmy Lu, not so subtly, elbowed him in the ribs, and he blinked at her owlishly. “What was that for?”
“For thinking that Jack could lose to a numbskull like Floyd,” she said. “You’re lucky I don’t toss you back in that grave.”
Sheldon took off his glasses so he could move the ice higher. “The probability of coming back f
rom a scandal to win an election is—”
“Is extraordinarily high,” Lily said. “Politicians are nothing but one scandal after the next. Nobody cares. So Jack has a kid somewhere. It could happen to anyone.”
“Three point seven percent of men in this country have fathered a child they don’t know about,” Sheldon said.
“Well, there you go,” Emmy Lu said. “It is what it is. I think more people than we know have seen through Floyd’s schemes over the years, and they’ll let him know just how they feel in the voting booth next week.”
“If it’s not a big deal then why did Dr. Graves move out?” Sheldon asked, oblivious.
Emmy Lu elbowed him again.
“What?” he asked, looking back and forth between the three of us. Emmy Lu and Lily got very quiet, and I took a bite of pie. “Are we not supposed to talk about that? I heard from my mother that you were completely blindsided by it. She said Jack might have children all over the place, and you’d better prepare yourself for him having to fork over his inheritance in child support.”
“You need to tell your mama to get back on her medication,” Emmy Lu said. My lips twitched and I shoved more pie into my mouth. “Besides, just before you walked in Doc was telling us about how Floyd confessed to hitting that cyclist this morning out on 36.”
Sheldon blinked again behind his glasses. “There are almost 700,000 hit-and-run cases per year.”
“So is Floyd going to be arrested?” Lily asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “It’s up to the DA. Since he didn’t actually kill the victim he can’t be charged with vehicular homicide, but he still left the scene of the accident and failed to render aid. Floyd and his attorney came in thinking they were going to waltz right in and out again, and the photo op and story the paper would run would show how cooperative Floyd was and how accidents happen to good people. Floyd figured Jack would let him go because it would make Jack look like he was holding a grudge if he arrested him right before the election. But Jack told him his attorney should’ve explained the law a little better to him, because it wasn’t up to Jack whether an arrest was made. All he could do was gather all the evidence and hand it over to the DA.”