“Cassie, can I have some fries?”
What next? Marshmallows with his chocolate? I’d spent the last months studying every book I could get my hands on, from Screamfree Parenting to Duct Tape Parenting, and the scary-sounding Raising Kids for True Greatness. I’d taken notes, asked our caseworker a truckload of questions and taken even more notes. Along the way, I’d also devoured Real Food for Healthy Kids. I had even made recipe cards based on it and filed them in a brand new folder labeled ‘LUCAS’ GOOD FOOD.’
I stared away from the pan where the chicken breast was frying in omega-loaded vegetable oil. Lucas sat at the wooden table we’d bought in a second-hand shop. A lick of paint had given it a new lease of life. I’d put a lot of work into the apartment but it was all worthwhile. From the new curtains to the glossy white of the walls, we now had a home.
“Maybe not, Champ. As if the cheesecake and the hot chocolate weren’t enough for one day.”
“But it’s Thanksgiving.” He gave me that pout he must have practiced in front of the mirror fifty times a day.
I reduced the flame on the burner and went to sit beside Lucas. He was drawing houses and planes and cars… all on the same piece of paper. It was getting crowded.
“Technically, Thanksgiving was yesterday,” Josh said. He’d made it out of the shower and he shook his wet hair as if he was staring in a shampoo ad. “That was what the turkey and the pumpkin pie were about, remember?”
“Okay.” Lucas pouted.
I felt bad for being the food police again. I wanted to be a good parent. But maybe I was trying too hard.
Josh, as he often did, read my brainwaves. He took a seat on the other side of Lucas. “We want to make you happy and enjoy your time with us, you know?” Lucas gave his signature nod. “But we also want the best for you, even if it makes us a bit boring.”
The sides of Lucas’s mouth curled. “You’re not boring.” His head did a back and forth between us. “I’d like to live with you.”
His voice said the words, but his face made it more like a question, as if he was afraid we could still say ‘no.’ But there was no way on earth—or anywhere else—that I was going to give up on my boy this time round… and he wanted to be with us.
His hand was clasped tightly around the pen. I wrapped my fingers around his so that he let go of it.
“We’ll take care of you, Lucas.” I blinked hard to keep the tears from welling up. “I promise you. No one will try harder.”
“I’ll try to be good too. I promise. I won’t be too naughty.”
I kissed his forehead and tasted the sugariness of his skin. “Just be yourself, baby, and we’ll try doing the same.”
Josh covered me with his gaze and it felt as soft as cotton. Then, out of the blue, Lucas’s arms were around my neck and he was giving me the wettest kiss ever. On both cheeks.
He sat back on his seat.
“Where did that come from?”
“You said people who love each other, they kiss each other… and I’m not going to kiss you on the mouth because that’s gross.”
“Are you saying you love me, Champ?”
“I love you. I love Josh too, but he’s a boy so I’m not going to kiss him. Not even on the cheek.”
Josh burst out laughing. “Yuk!” Lucas joined the laughter and they high-fived each other instead. The scene was like a dream. Two points on my back started to twitch. They were where my wings had started to grow. I was about to fly into the sky, carried away by happiness. Sometimes, I could be cheesier than Josh himself.
Then I crashed back to Earth, as Lucas’s face came over all serious. “What’s up?” I placed the tip of my index finger underneath his chin so that he met my eyes.
“Andrea is going to be sad.”
I really didn’t want to hear that name. “Why, baby?”
“Because she said she wanted to be my mom.”
My eyes met Josh’s. His brow was furrowed. Trisha, our caseworker back in Kansas City had warned us: for Lucas’s sake, we should never mention the adoption to him until the pre-placement visits. Apparently Andrea Loretti hadn’t bothered with that rule. I felt less sorry for her now.
“Okay, and what do you want?” I was treading a risky line, but we had to talk about it. We had the right to now. “It’s fine for you to say what you really mean.”
Josh came and knelt by my side so that he could be face-to-face with Lucas. “We’re friends. We’ll always be friends and friends tell each other the truth, even when it hurts sometimes. Don’t be scared to hurt us. The only thing that matters is that you’re happy.”
“I’m not happy with Sharon.” He chewed the end of his pencil. “She’s nice but she doesn’t cuddle me like my mommy did… like you do.” I smiled and fought back my tears. I still didn’t say anything. “I’m big now, but I need my cuddles.”
“Does Andrea cuddle you then?” Josh asked.
“She does but it’s not the same. She’s not my mommy or Cassie.”
Pride welled up in my chest.
“Andrea and her husband are nice and they like you very much.” Josh managed to keep his voice neutral. “We love you. Whoever you choose, we’ll still love you and we’ll always be your friends. No matter what.”
Panic flashed through Lucas’s eyes and his next words burst from him. “But I want to be with you two.”
I held back a sob. There was so much longing inside me, I was scared it was going to spill out. Josh took Lucas in his arms. “I believe we have a deal then, Champ. You’re coming to live with us.”
I waited for my turn to take him in my arms. I held him tight until he mumbled something against my shirt. “Cassie, it smells like burning.”
“Sh—ugar!” I ran back to the kitchen where the chicken breast I’d left simmering was now caramelized. “Noooo!” By the time I cooked another one it’d almost be Lucas’s bedtime. “Sorry, sweetheart. You’ll have to wait a bit longer for your dinner.”
The response that came from the living room was from Josh and Lucas at the same time, and it was mixed with giggles, “Can we have fries then?”
I sat at the foot of Lucas’s bed, as still as a statue because it’d taken ages for him to find sleep. He’d been over-tired. The day had been packed and our conversation before dinner, well, it’d been like a tumble-dryer of emotions and we were washed-out.
The door cracked open and a ray of light made it into the room for a split second then vanished. Josh came to my side on tiptoes. I prayed he wouldn’t wake up Lucas. I couldn’t survive another Dr. Seuss story, not after five in a row.
Josh took my hand and led me outside quietly. After each step I expected Lucas to call out my name. We made it back into the living room and waited behind the door for one minute. Each second ticked in our heads. No sound came from the bedroom and I let out a heavy breath of relief.
“It’s Cassie-time now,” Josh whispered.
“What do you mean?”
He walked me through the semi-darkness into our bathroom. Now, I loved our bathroom. It was one of those old, vintage ones that still managed to look cool. The icing on the cake for me was the standalone bathtub. Tonight, the bathroom was like the paradise where girls wanted to spend eternity, without any chance to make it back to life. As with the rest of our apartment, the lights were off, but the bathroom was illuminated by a string of candles. There were so many of them that I almost freaked that the house was going to burn down.
I stepped in, breaking from Josh’s touch. The scent shot up my nose and hit my brain. “Whoa! Perfumed candles?”
Josh leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms. “Wild daisies.”
“Why?”
He did a double take. “Because that’s your scent.”
“Really?”
“Have I never told you that?”
I shook my head. The smile that broke across my face was no match for the sweetness that seeped into my heart. “You’ve never told me anything about how I smelled before.”
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“Tsk-tsk! Wrong choice of words, Cass. Not your smell, your scent. You’re the songwriter after all.”
“Okay, my wild daisy scent then…” I bent over the bathtub and my hand swept through the thick foam that topped the water. “… and bubbles?”
“Half a bottle of Soothing Sensations Bubble Bath.”
I dipped my fingers into the water again and I swirled them around. When I straightened back up my gaze settled on Josh. The candles threw fleeting shadows around the lines of his body. They also danced on his face and I drank in his beauty. The way a curl of his hair fell stubbornly over his forehead and teased his right eyebrow.
“You’re still missing something.” He nodded to where the basin stood. On one side of the tap there was a bottle and on the other were two tall glasses.
“Is that Champagne?”
“Taittinger. I got it when I was in Paris. I hid it for a special occasion.”
I peered at him from the corner of my eye. He hadn’t moved from the doorframe. Still, there was a more fragile vibe coming out from him.
“So let me sum things up: Wild daisy scented candles, check; half a gallon of bubble bath, check; real Champagne from France, check.”
“Yep.” I saw him swallow hard.
“Tell me, Champ: Are you trying to get me in the sack by any chance?”
“Technically, I’m trying to get you in the bath.”
“And we both know how technical you can be,” I teased him.
Josh stepped toward me. With each one of his steps, my skin tingled a bit more. When he stood over me, it felt like a blanket of heat washed over my body.
“I’m not trying to be technical right now. I’m just damn plain desperate.”
“Desperate?”
“Desperate to be in you.”
My mouth gaped and I struggled to recover. “What about ‘being ready’?”
“Fuck ‘being ready.’”
“That’s not very technical.”
“No, that’s explicit.”
“I like ‘explicit’ very much.” I eyed the Champagne. “Now please get me explicitly drunk by pouring some of that bubbly, will you?”
Josh granted my request and I sipped through my drink holding his gaze. The silence didn’t bother me for once. It was filled with whatever we hadn’t done yet and what we were about to do. That was plenty enough and there was no more to say except…
“Lock the door.”
Once again, Josh obeyed without question. I enjoyed having the upper-hand. I laid my glass on the edge of the basin careful that it didn’t tip over. The Champagne had fuzzied up my brain and my senses. My gaze caught our reflection in the mirror and met with Josh’s. His had turned unreadable. It was like he was letting me write the next chapter.
I cut the bond by lowering my head and bringing my hands around the button at the top of my shirt. My fingers were shaking and I wished I had another glass of Champagne running through my veins. I slowly made my way down, not allowing my eyes to wander anywhere other than my shirt. I’d sounded all cocky before but that had been one-hundred percent bluff.
I let my shirt slide down along my arms and fall on the floor. My nipples hardened under the lace of my bra. I pooled my courage together and looked up at Josh. “Your turn.”
The one-sided smile he gave me was so naughty I wriggled to stick my knees together. Josh’s hands didn’t shake at all when he undid his shirt smoothly and quickly. I licked my upper-lip at the sight of his chest and the sinewy lines defining his shoulders. They were strong shoulders, shoulders I could cry on, shoulders that could shelter me. From anything.
“I love you.” The flatness of my voice clashed with the passion burning inside me.
Josh aligned his body on mine. I expected him to say the words back. Instead he knelt at my feet and his hands circled around my waist. His fingertips brushed my hipbones when he reached for the button of my jeans. I heard the zipper snaking down and felt it against me. Soon my jeans were at my feet and Josh nudged me to step aside. I did.
His palms cradled the back of my calves and then he caressed his way up to the top of my legs, tucking the length of his fingers underneath my panties. Between my legs. They stayed there while my heartbeat plummeted downward. Between my legs too.
He pressed his lips on the fragment of skin between my panties and my belly button, right above my scar. His kiss was healing. It lasted until he spoke, “Undo your bra.”
His gaze burnt me but I didn’t hesitate and, in one move and with steady hands, my bra landed on top of my shirt. I didn’t have time to worry about the scary lack of support because, in the next beat, my panties were around my ankles and, in the next they landed on top of my bra, my shirt, and my jeans.
I didn’t dare to move. I’d never stood naked in front of him—in front of anybody—but I forgot to be self-conscious.
“You are beautiful and I love you.”
“I know.” I knew about his love and, right that second, I felt goddamn irresistible.
Josh stood and he led me like a child to the bathtub. He held my hand while I got into the water. The heat took away any tension left in me. I lay back with the water lapping at my nipples. The steam had left a sheen over my face. I kept my eyes shut the whole time Josh undressed. That was the blushing virgin in me… the virginal mother of one.
He got into the water, facing me, and his legs encased mine. If I stretched, I’d be reaching extra sensitive parts of him.
“You can open your eyes now. I’m presentable.” I did and he chuckled. “You weren’t so prudish the first time in the back of my truck.”
“There was less build-up.”
“Speak for yourself, I was a horny sixteen-year old when we started dating. It took us a year to commit the deed. There were many cold showers, believe me.”
“You never were pushy about it and you made our first time so romantic.” His hands looped around my ankles. “It’s difficult to top tonight though.”
“There were already candles—”
“—and cocoa.”
“We’re old enough now for Champagne.”
“And we’re married.” Okay, now was the time! “Josh, I think, you remember what you said—” Damn, I was rambling. I took a big breath and blurted, “I’m ready now.”
He bent forward, circled my wrists and pulled me over. I straddled him and I welcomed the feel of him against me. “Just in case you haven’t noticed, I’m very ready too.”
I chuckled but the sound ended in a rasp. In a flash, his hands shot from my wrists to my butt, cupping it, and pressing me tight against his hardness. I laid my forehead against his and our mouths were inches apart. His lips had never made me so hungry. I worshiped their curves with the tips of my fingers. It was my turn to make a move. So, very slowly, I lowered my mouth to touch his. Its softness made me shudder and I arched my back.
“God!” Josh muttered against my mouth. He shut his eyes. “Careful, Cass. You want me to last longer than I did at seventeen, don’t you?”
“If my memory serves me well, you over-delivered back in the day.” I didn’t want to think of our night in Oxford because, in so many ways, it hadn’t been us.
“You ain’t seen nothing at all.” Josh’s hands ran along my spine and his lips sought mine, parting them, teasing my tongue.
He made love to my mouth before making love to me.
When we ended in our bed, much, much later, my skin was all pruned and my hair a wet mess. Josh didn’t seem to care. He lay behind me, his chest warm against my back, his hands interweaved with mine.
“Good night, Mrs. MacBride,” he whispered.
“Good night, Mr. O’Malley,” I whispered back.
CHAPTER 18
Josh
The last month had been like saying goodbye to Lucas over and over again. There’d been Thanksgiving and there was now. But now was only for a few days. Cassie and I were on our way to Steep Hill for Woodie’s wedding. After that, we’d be back to Kansas City
and Lucas before flying together to D.C. for Christmas. We wanted him to get used to his new home.
“Cass, we have to go.” I tried to ease her away from Lucas as gently as I could. His tight grip on her wasn’t making it easy. They finally let go of each other. “We’ll be back in no time.” I said that to console Lucas but it could have been to Cassie as well.
They nodded, keeping their lips tightly closed, mirroring each other’s expressions. I knelt to level my gaze with Lucas’s. “So, Champ, you have three days to get your bag ready. We’ll be going directly to the airport from here.” I held my hand up and he high-fived me.
“I’ll be ready. Promise.”
I gave him a quick hug. We couldn’t linger on the Sorensons’s porch. It’d only upset Lucas, but it sucked to only be segments of our son’s life. For all our sakes, we had to have him with us for good very soon. Hopefully it’d happen in January.
We returned to our rental car and Cassie let out a heavy breath. The tips of her fingers brushed the area underneath her eyes to wipe away the tears. I was leaning towards her to hug her when my cell rang.
Trisha, Lucas’s caseworker. The call was brief and Trisha wasn’t her usual bubbly self. She wanted to see us ‘as a matter of urgency.’
“What was that about?” Cassie gave me a frown.
“We have to stop by Trisha’s before going to Kansas.”
“Why’s that?”
“No idea. But she wasn’t giving me the option.” I checked my watch. “Her office isn’t too far from here.”
I made sure my voice didn’t betray the concern that had sneaked its way into my guts. I kept the conversation light for the entire drive, but it was impossible to miss the signs of worry from Cassie, starting with the bone-white knuckles clenched tightly around her knees.
She sprang out of the car and I hurried to catch up with her. We’d met Trisha there before and within a couple of minutes we were knocking at the door of her tiny office.
“Come in.” I opened the door and was about to let Cassie enter first when I saw who was sitting opposite Trisha.
I didn’t think twice before stepping forward to stand in front of Cassie. “What are you doing here?”
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