by Dawson, Zoe
Gradually his breathing changed, grew deeper, slower, something I could feel but not hear. As it altered, he altered. He was powerful and solid, and yet the aesthetic purity of his features gave him an unreal aspect, like something from an artist’s dream of absolute and flawless force. A knight of old, releasing his armor, dropping his sword, letting his guard down.
“I can walk now,” I said, softly.
“I know,” he said.
Inside the shower, the spray of the water warred with the heat of Dakota as he cupped my face and stared down into my eyes, then kissed me, his passion evident in the way he pressed his mouth against mine. Our bodies touched, and he groaned softly as I felt the way he hardened against me. He thrust against my stomach. I slipped my hands sensuously down his back and over his tight butt, pressing him closer, and he groaned again. I would never get tired of that sound.
We mated slowly as the hot spray cascaded over us, thrusting and pressing and releasing everything against each other like a silent force.
By the time we finished drying off and getting dressed, the coffee wasn’t drinkable. We made a fresh pot while Dakota made us breakfast. We ate in companionable silence. Then he took my hand and pulled me into the living room and we settled at the base of the tree.
“I’ve got something for you, Alissa.”
“Me, first. It’s something I wrote for you. I’m giving the gift of myself, just as you gave me the gift of you last night.”
He nodded, capturing my fingers, and I reached for a single sheet of paper that I’d placed under the tree the night before.
I handed it to him and his eyes fell to the page.
Brave
When the darkness claws
And the demons come.
When hope is lost.
When shadows draw near.
I am here.
I live inside you.
When fear steals your breath
When fury shreds your soul
When despair twists deep inside
And the shadows draw near.
I am here.
I burn inside you.
Mettle is of the heart
Valor not just a knightly word.
You are a hero.
You are a man
And the shadows cannot stand
Against your true nature
Against the blinding light
And what must be done
Is done.
I am here.
I breathe inside you.
The reward
cannot be
measured
I am courage.
And you are
Brave.
Dakota raised his head and looked at me, his eyes dark and smoky, such intense, unguarded emotion in his eyes that it made my heart contract, hard. He closed his eyes tightly, resting his forehead against mine as a shuddering tremor coursed through him. The exposed emotion in him made my tears well up again, and I smoothed back his hair, aching to comfort him.
His eyes were awed as he lifted them from the page. For a moment his throat worked as if he couldn’t get words past the thickness there. “This is so beautiful…I…Alissa.” He took a careful breath. “You give me hope that I have the courage to take myself back someday, now that I’ve met you and have something to fight for.”
“You’d already fought and survived. You found that courage to be brave here.” I covered his heart and he covered my hand. “Now it’s time to let go and ask for help. To heal. And I know you’re brave enough for that. You’re brave enough to let yourself do that.”
“Because of you.”
“No, Dakota, because of you.”
Moved beyond words, I blinked away the moisture gathering along my eyelashes, knowing now was the time to tell him what I had to do. But before I could, he reached over and grabbed a bundle of cloth with silver stars all over the midnight blue fabric.
“I made this for you, Alissa.”
My hands trembled when I opened the bundle and my heart caught in my throat. “Oh, Dakota,” I whispered unevenly.
I held in my hands a beautiful replica of Pooh Bear and Piglet sitting together on a hollow log with their arms around each other. Carved into the base were the words, “Friends forever.”
I covered my eyes. “Oh, God, Charlie.”
“Why did you come here, Alissa? What is it that you have to do here, on this particular cliff? I’m here for you. You can let go. Can you tell me what’s in the backpack, now?”
I eased a deep shaky breath past the nearly suffocating tightness in my throat and I could finally let go. The tears fell heavy and hot against my cheeks, my voice broken with the loss. “Charlie’s ashes.” I released a sob. “He died last week.”
#
“You’re going to be fine.” I said, ruffling Charlie’s dark hair. “You’ve have bouts before and always recovered.”
He shook his head, his eyes so stark, they scared me. “Not this time, Alissa,” he sounded like he was trying to push the words past an obstruction in his throat, they rasped as he expelled them. “I’m dying. I’m not going to make it to Christmas.”
“Don’t say that, Charlie,” I whispered, my voice breaking.
He reached out, grabbing onto my hand, his grasp weak. “I have a special Christmas wish, Alissa.”
“Anything.”
“I want you to take my ashes and release them on that mountain in Colorado. The one you texted me. With snow glinting in the sun and the breeze brisk and strong. I want to fly.”
“What?” My heart lurched with a spurt of panic. “But, your parents.”
“Please Alissa, don’t let them put me on a mantle.” He clasped my hand desperately, his eyes frantic. “I don’t want to die, knowing that I’ll never see that place. Take me there, after I’m dead. I want to be free.” His voice caught on a sob. “Please set me free.”
“I could ask them for you.” I suggested, not sure I had it in me to do what he asked, and I felt ashamed that I didn’t have the kind of courage it took to grant him this final wish.
“No!” He shook his head getting more agitated, his breath wheezing in and out. “They won’t let you. They won’t understand. Only you understand how much I need this. I have to face the ultimate fear, Alissa. I’m twenty-two years old and I’ve tried to cram a lifetime of living into a small number of years. And, all those years were filled with fear. I’ve already been on the mantle too long. I need you to be brave. You have always been my strength.”
“You’ve been my strength, Charlie. I’m not that brave.”
“Yes, you are. I need you to be for me. Promise me you’ll do this for me. Just like you promised to stop cutting yourself for me.”
“Okay, I will, Charlie. I will.”
“Listen to me. I don’t have much time. My parents will be back soon. I love you, Alissa. You’re the sister of my heart. You’re the only person in my life who gave a damn about me. My only regret is leaving you alone. I’m leaving you all my money, and there’s a lot of it.”
“I don’t want your money.” My vision blurred. “I just want you.”
“You’re going to take it. I’ve already had the lawyer draw up the papers. You won’t ever have to be under your parents’ thumb ever again. I want you not to mourn me, but go out and celebrate your life. Take all you can from it. Promise you’ll do that. And, every year at Christmas, please go there and stand at that cliff’s edge and remember me.”
“I have to mourn you, Charlie. I have to. It’s not fair to ask me not to.”
“All right, only for a little while. Now promise me.”
“I promise.”
“So, you’ll have to continue to be brave for both of us.”
I collapsed against him, and he stroked my hair and I breathed in his familiar scent.
“I was so lucky to be born next door to you, Alissa.”
We were both crying freely by then. “I feel the same way, Charlie. I’ll never forget you.”
“I k
now you won’t. Pooh and Piglet belong together always in the 100 Acre Wood. That’s where you’ll find them. Forever friends.”
#
“Oh, Alissa,” Dakota said so softly, his eyes brimming with his compassion and his support. “I’m so sorry.”
“I stole his ashes from the funeral home. I came out here to release them because he begged me to, and I couldn’t say no. But I wasn’t sure until this very moment that I could actually do what he asked and not just take the urn back.”
Dakota’s chest expanded. He slid his arms around me and held me fiercely, protectively. So full of emotion it was impossible to say any more, I closed my eyes and turned my face against his neck, his comfort bolstering me, the courage I had been looking for rising up from that hidden well inside me. I held him as fiercely, as protectively, as he was holding me.
It took a long time for all those intense feelings to settle, and by the time Dakota eased his hold, the fire had burned down into a steady flame.
Hauling in a shaky breath, he shifted his hold, his hands warm and firm against my face as he covered my mouth with a tender, searching, healing kiss that made me feel very loved. Releasing his breath on a long sigh, he raised his head and looked down at me. His eyes open windows to his beautiful soul. He stroked my cheek with his thumb, his expression solemn, “I think you know what to do now, Alissa,” he said huskily.
I smiled up at him, my heart in my eyes. “I know,” I whispered. “Thank you so much for being here for me.”
“You’re going through with it, then?”
“Yes, it’s what he wanted. I’m probably in a lot of trouble. Probably legal trouble, but I don’t care. This is what Charlie wanted, his dying wish. He’s been there for me my whole life, and I couldn’t mourn him until I did this for him. It was our bargain. I loved him so much, Dakota. I miss him so much. And I swear he brought me to you, too, because you needed me and I needed you. I don’t know how the world works, but I know that two lost souls found each other here this Christmas Day. And, in our union, hope of this season lives in us.”
He nodded and pulled me hard against him again. “Do you want to do this now?”
“Yes. It’s a beautiful day, with a lovely breeze. It’s time to set him free so he can fly.”
“Let me go grab a jacket.”
I slipped into my coat and picked up the backpack with the urn inside. Suddenly I heard a car door slam and I rushed to the window. “Oh, shit,” I said. “Oh, no!”
Without waiting for Dakota, I bolted for the back door.
#
Dakota
I heard her cry out and the back door slam against the wall. I rushed out of my bedroom still shrugging into my jacket, and I saw a man racing after Alissa across the sparkling snow. I growled deep in my throat, and the fury consumed me as my vision wavered. Instead of that man, I saw the scarred man, running after Alissa, my two worlds meshing. I bolted forward, and with the speed born of a wildness that I had known only one other time in my life, I caught him, wrestled him to the ground, grabbing for his neck. I started squeezing and the scarred man looked up at me with no remorse in his eyes.
I knew Alissa was pulling on my arms, but like before, I was locked into the flashback, a murderous rage consuming me. Something hit me hard, and when I rolled into the snow, I saw it was Alissa. She had rammed me with the full force of her body. The Pooh backpack lay in the snow. The man rose coughing and choking and I snapped out of it. But my heart sank when I realized what I had almost done and that sick, twisted feeling overwhelmed me.
“Who are you?” I rose in one fluid motion and stood between Alissa and the man.
“I’m her father.”
“Leave Alissa alone.” I said.
“Who the hell are you?!”
“I’m the fucker you’re going have to go through to get to her and those ashes. She came to do something extremely important, extremely personal, and deeply moving. But you wouldn’t know anything about that, because you’re an idiot and never took the time to get know your amazing, beautiful daughter. Now, get the fuck off my property. You’re trespassing.”
“Wait. Dad, how did you know what I was going to do?”
“Someone at the funeral home discovered the ashes missing and they called Charlie’s parents, who called us. I guessed what you were going to do. Charlie’s mother said that this place in Colorado was the only place he ever talked about. We guessed you were going to release them here. I came as soon as I could get here, but the pass closed and I had to wait until the blizzard was over.”
“You didn’t come here for me. Even though Charlie was like a brother to me. You didn’t once consider what his death meant to me. You just came for the ashes.”
“Of course, I came for the ashes. We’re sorry about Charlie. We are. But, what you did was very irresponsible. His parents are very upset.”
“Really? Why?”
“Don’t be impertinent. I expect that you will go to the car now with the ashes and we’ll go home.”
She looked up at me, the blue of her eyes matching the clear sky above us. “Home? That isn’t my home. I’m already home. Wherever he is, that’s home.”
I was overcome. No way to describe how those words settled on my heart and transformed me in an instant. I had a decision to make, and it wasn’t an easy one, but in my heart I knew it was the only answer I could come up with.
“Go, babe, do what you came here to do.”
With a disgusted and disappointed look on his face, her father said, “Go ahead and do it, Alissa. I’ll wait for you out front.”
Alissa was leaving and I didn’t want to let her go, but I knew what it was that I had to do. It was going to be hard for both of us.
#
Alissa
I looked at Dakota and he smiled at me. I took his hand and kissed his palm, then his lips as my father marched away through the snow without looking back. I turned, Dakota’s love like a brand on my heart, his courage in seeking help burning deep inside.
My boots crunched across that endless swath of white, and I snagged the backpack on my way by. It was heavy, but Charlie had never been a burden. I walked to the edge of the cliff and gazed around at that breathtaking view. I unzipped the bag and pulled out the urn. Then I broke the seal and pulled off the cover.
“We’re here, Charlie,” I said. “I made it. We made it! I’m here to keep my promise, because you were my very best friend. I will love you forever, my Piglet.”
The breeze whipped around me as if saying, Let him go. He belongs to us now, to the push and pull of the wind, the movement of the earth, the endless flow of time. He’s ours and we want him back. Let him go. He will always be with you. Just listen to the wind. Just listen, Alissa.
My hands tightened on the urn and a terrible sense of loss scored me. I didn’t want to let him go. I was losing the last physical bit of him and it was so final. I closed my eyes and let that pain wash over me. I embraced it and held it. But instead of being empty, all my wonderful full memories of Charlie settled there with a soft glow. He would always be with me. This wasn’t the end.
Goose bumps covered my skin and I heaved the urn, gripped tightly in my hands, and the ashes flowed out, and the wind caught them like gentle fingers and took him away. Charlie soared free.
And that feeling, that wonderful, glorious feeling of flying free was inside me, too. That was it. That was what I’d been searching for my whole life. I was the one who had to let go of my fear. I was trying to have the kind of relationship that I wanted with my parents. It wasn’t going to happen. They wouldn’t let it happen. I was the stubborn one. I was the one who was making myself unhappy. I had to be the one to go out and seek what I wanted and it had happened unexpectedly.
I had found the love I had always wanted in Dakota.
I took that feeling, embracing what I had shared with Dakota and Charlie.
As I freed Charlie into the waiting wind, I freed myself and my heart soared—unshackled at last—fu
ll of life, energy, love, and Dakota. Full of my love for Charlie. I could never go back.
I would never go back.
In that moment, in that beautiful moment…
I was…
Brave.
#
I came into the cabin, and Dakota stood at the counter, his back pressed to the marble, his arms crossed over his chest. The somber disquiet in his eyes unsettled me, especially when I thought we had dealt with all our problems last night.
Dakota held my gaze for a moment, his eyes shuttered, an unhappy cant to his mouth.
A flutter of alarm started in my middle, and I shifted on my feet.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
He rubbed at his eyes and when he looked at me again, the sick, naked expression made my throat contract. And suddenly I was faced with a tormented man. I closed the distance between us. “No!” I said.
“Alissa,” he said with such gut-wrenching need, and I threw myself against him.
I was his one vulnerability.
I was his weakness.
He had been my strength.
It couldn’t end like this.
Chapter Eleven
Dakota
I saw the realization in her eyes, but I had no recourse. After what happened with her father, I couldn’t trust myself around her.
“No,” she said emphatically, holding onto me like there was no tomorrow. I wasn’t sure there would be. My knees felt weak, and they almost buckled. But I grabbed onto the strength that Alissa had showed me that I possess and gently slipped my hands around her upper arms, pried her away from me.