She reached over and brushed a stray dark curl off his forehead. “I like that. No more missing out.”
A weak smile flashed on his lips and he grew serious. “I’m working on it.”
She wondered at his words, wishing he would elaborate without her having to ask.
The wind picked up, blowing the blanket at the edges and Tessa’s hair into her eyes.
“Time to head in,” Kip announced as he got to his feet.
She helped him gather their nighttime picnic supplies and followed him through the backdoor of the beach house.
“You wanna listen to some music?” he asked, taking the empty containers out of her hands.
“Yeah,” she replied, not ready to call it a night yet. He grinned and nodded towards the living room.
“My phone is already connected. You can pick anything on there if you want.” He went back to the kitchen.
Tessa made her way into the living room where she spotted the phone on the table surrounded by papers and a few notebooks. A small voice in her head told her not to look at the scribblings and notes littered about. He’d already given her unsupervised access to his phone, which was plenty.
She opened the music app and scrolled through the library. What kinds of music did a man like Kip listen to on the regular?
“Anything in particular you want to hear?” she asked, only recognizing a few of the artists and bands.
A tan hand interrupted her view and made a few movements on the screen.
“This album,” he said, so close to her so could feel his breath gently brush her cheek. “Always makes me think of you.”
She glanced up in time to catch his green eyes before he returned to the kitchen.
Music began trickling out of the speakers in the living room, filling the house with a crisp yet romantic piano.
Shirt balls in butter.
She really wished he wouldn’t have told her that.
Now she was going to have to go home and download this album and listen to it on repeat while completely overanalyzing every single song.
Thanks, Kip.
Cool.
Because she had all this extra time to act like an angsty teenager.
“Hey.”
Her vision came back into focus and her eyes tracked to Kip who’d returned to the scene of the crime.
Crime was too strong of a word. The scene of his emotional hit and run on her heart. A drive-by angsting.
She swallowed because her mouth was crazy dry and she needed something to do. The way she saw it, she had two options. She could confess, tell Kip she had developed feelings for him that exceeded the bounds of casual friendship—and then run away.
Or, she could pull a page out of Spencer’s playbook and declare she was having problems with her spastic colon—and then run away.
While she was debating both of those terrible options, Kip was looking into her eyes.
Tessa was certain she’d never heard this album—she’d never even heard of the singer, Andrew McMahon—but for some unholy reason, every plink on that damn piano was a plink on the windows of her heart.
Kip’s strong arm came around her waist and gently held her close, without their bodies touching. His free hand took hers and held it to his chest as he slowly swayed and guided them into a simple dance.
“We’re dancing,” she said, wishing her voice hadn’t come out so breathless.
Kip nodded, a small smile playing in his lips. “Little bit.”
There was something sweet about the way he held her—close, but not demanding, gentle, but not unsure.
She bit down on her bottom lip even as the back of her eyes burned with happiness.
I will not cry. Not now. I can cry later.
Except this was more than anything she’d ever had. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, this was everything. It was stolen daydreams and far flung hopes. The small fantasies that kept her overly romantic heart beating long after she’d discovered the truth of adult relationships.
Everything.
Kip was giving her everything.
And she hadn’t even asked.
“Tell me what you like about kissing,” Kip asked quietly.
“It’s my favorite,” she replied, carefully matching his tone.
His lips twitched with a soft smile. “You said that. What about it makes it your favorite?”
His sea glass eyes held her captive. She was both safe and in danger in that moment.
She licked her lips. “I like the anticipation. The moment right before the kiss happens when it’s so close you just want it to be over with. The breath that gets caught between two people as all of their hopes focus in on one moment. And then you finally give in and the heat of their mouth is exactly the perfect temperature to melt you where you stand.”
Kip leaned in and Tessa’s eyes fluttered closed.
“What else?” he asked, his breath washing over her lips.
“Kissing makes the world disappear,” she whispered.
Her blood pounded through her body, racing rapidly through her limbs as if trying to escape. She understood its desire, she wished to escape herself too. If only to be able to catch her breath and take stock of what was happening.
But Andrew McMahon’s singing collided with her pulse and kept her still.
And Kip handled the rest.
His lips brushed hers in the barest of kisses. Her lips parted and she sighed, but before the air had finished exhaling, his mouth was back to take it.
She’d never had the breath stolen from her until that moment. But it was fine because she no longer needed to breathe to survive. All she needed with his mouth on hers.
His lips were warmer than she’d expected. They were soft and hot, and hers began moving against them in a way they never had before. As if to say, “Finally.”
It was total surrender and complete terror as she fell into his arms.
He caught her.
One arm wrapped across her back to her shoulder while the other was lost in her hair as it cradled the back of her head.
He pulled away and gasped her name against her lips. But she wasn’t ready to stop. She grabbed the front of his shirt and pushed up on her toes. When her lips found his again she could feel his smile against her mouth.
His arms tightened around her and he deepened their kiss.
First kisses were usually sloppy and tentative as both partners found their way.
But Kip and Tessa found their way as soon as their lips touched. And then they found it again and again. They were experts on this new venture. They could easily hire themselves out as kissing consultants to the general public and make millions.
But they were too busy kissing.
Kip cradled her cheeks in his palms and his green eyes glittered as they roamed her face.
“Good?” he asked
“Very good,” she answered with an excited nod.
He grinned. “How about some wine?” His thumb brushed over her bottom lip. “And maybe more kissing.”
“Yes, please,” she agreed readily.
Kip stepped back, letting her go, but his eyes lingered for an extra moment. A moment that she felt all the way to her toes.
After he left the room, Tessa spun in a circle with her arms above her head. She wanted to squeal in excitement but managed to rein it in.
She sat down on the couch because she no longer trusted her legs.
Was this happening?
Was she making out with a cute boy who made her feel unbelievably special?
Hopeful romantic, she reminded herself. Maybe it was finally paying off.
Kip didn’t seem like the kind of guy who went around kissing people for the heck of it. He kissed her on purpose.
Her eyes landed on the notebook papers on the table and the words snagged on a memory.
Her heart twisted violently and she had no idea why. With shaky hands she reached for the paper and read the poem written in a familiar scrawl.
A
girl with a messy heart
Tattooed my soul on her skin.
A mistake and a half,
A hopeless tide of wishes,
And now we finally have the time.
She set that one aside and reached for another. In seconds, she was on her feet leaning over the table, shuffling through the poems.
Poem, after poem, after poem.
Some of them she recognized, most were new.
But all were written in the same heavy writing she had copied and subsequently had tattooed on her body for life.
Her heart began to splinter into aching shards as the pieces—pieces she should have seen if she’d been looking—began to fall painfully into place.
He knew.
He’d known her the entire time.
He’d had her words and trust and he’d almost had her heart.
She picked up the poem she’d read first and reread it. Twice.
It was about her. Clearly.
He’d been writing about her.
She was the girl with the messy heart.
Never had she felt so exposed.
The words cut into her heart and she felt the blood slide down her insides as her hope leaked out. It pooled in her belly and made her sick.
Was it funny to him that his words of long ago had meant so much? Is that what this new one meant? A mistake and a half? A hopeless tide of wishes?
“White or red?” Kip called from the kitchen.
She couldn’t process the question to answer it.
“Tessa?” Kip asked, closer this time and caution in his tone.
She met his eyes as her hands shook with the page she gripped in disbelief.
“What is this?” she asked, her voice raspy. “This is me, right?”
Kip’s eyes bounced between hers and he took a deep breath.
But he didn’t answer.
And that one small inaction was enough to help her find her voice.
“Is this me?” she yelled.
He flinched.
“I can explain,” he said, but his eyes held doubt in his own words.
Tessa lifted the hem of her shirt, exposing the poem on her ribs. “Why is your handwriting on me?”
He stared at the words etched into her skin. One he hadn’t known about. The one that kept her from losing her hope and heart. The one she clung to every time she was reminded that the world sucked and people could be the worst.
The one that saved her once and forever.
we fall in love
because it’s who we are
love is our call
it is our battle cry
in every worthwhile fight
it is you
and me
but none stronger than
us
Kip’s eyes glossed over and he dropped his gaze to the floor.
“It was you,” she said, sounding eerily calm. “My mystery person who saved me. And you knew, didn’t you? This entire time you let me make a fool out of myself in front of you.”
Kip’s eyes snapped back to hers. “No, Tess, I’m the only fool here.”
“How is that even possible?” she asked, water crawling up the back of her throat. “I told you. You had every opportunity to be honest with me.”
“I didn’t lie to you,” he protested and flinched when he heard the weakness in his own words.
“You misled me,” she stated. “That’s not okay.”
She tossed the sheets of paper back on the table and watched them flutter to their landing.
“Please let me try to explain,” Kip pleaded, the words strained by the emotion in his voice.
Part of her wanted to stay and listen to every word he said, swallow it down and believe it.
Damn her naivety.
But she’d worked too hard to respect herself to do something like that again.
“I need to think,” she said, squeezing her hands into fists. “And I can’t do that here.”
Kip nodded once and stepped aside.
Tessa gathered her purse and keys and left out the back door.
She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or hurt that he didn’t try to stop her.
Which was exactly why she needed to think.
She started the car and managed to navigate out of the long driveway before the tears started.
CHAPTER 12
why do the waves
always come back
only to be sent away again?
the anticipation of the kiss
will always call it home
an innocently addictive amen
-Tessa and Unknown (Kip)
KIP
It had been inevitable—her finding out.
But he didn’t have anyone to blame except himself for how it all happened.
For shit’s sake, he’d even left all the incriminating evidence right out in the open. He may as well have just handed it to her when she’d walked through the door.
He picked up his phone and shut off the music.
Heavy regret landed on his chest and he fought to breathe through it.
She couldn’t possibly know how important she was to him.
Had always been.
Which is why he’d raided all his old notebooks last night. His heart was having difficulty with the separate memories and he needed to balance them. The girl he’d crushed on so heavily in his youth—the romantic embellishment of a young man fighting death.
And the woman of his present.
The heaviness in his chest increased and he closed his eyes.
He should have known he wouldn’t be able to keep them both.
***
TESSA
The lock turned and Tessa wiped at the tears on her cheeks as Spencer walked through the door.
Spencer stopped when her eyes hit Tessa seated on the couch—a glass of wine in one hand, red eyes, and Taylor Swift singing through the speakers.
She dropped her bag on the floor and allowed the door to swing shut behind her.
“Who did this to you?” Spencer’s voice dropped to a deadly calm. “Was it Kip?”
Tessa forced a watery smile. “I’m okay.”
Spencer’s eyebrows shut up and she blinked once. “Red wine and Taylor Swift? You think I’m new here?”
Tessa huffed a half-laugh half-sob as she cast her eyes to the ceiling to keep more tears from spilling out.
“I’m such a disaster.”
“No,” Spencer corrected firmly. “You’re not. Now tell me who made you feel this way so that I can make them pay.”
Tessa rolled her eyes and they landed on her best friend. “C’mon, Spence. You know it better than anyone. I am a straight up danger to myself.”
Spencer licked her lips and took a deep breath, her initial anger melting away, before crossing the room and joining her on the couch. She sat sideways and folded her legs beneath herself.
“How about you walk me through it?” she suggested softly.
That was exactly what Tessa wanted to avoid.
“How about no?”
Spencer’s gentle smile was all it took for the tears to begin anew.
Tessa took a few calming breaths and a bolstering swallow of wine.
“Do you remember in high school…the anonymous poet I…?” Irrationally fell in love with?
“Had a brain crush on?” Spencer finished. “I remember.”
Tessa nodded. Of course she did.
“Kip.” Tessa shrugged. “It was Kip.”
When Spencer didn’t answer for a full minute, Tessa glanced her direction.
“Wow,” Spencer finally murmured.
“Yep.”
Taylor Swift sang through one more verse and Tessa sighed.
“Also, we kissed tonight.”
Spencer’s blue eyes darted to Tessa’s, her eyebrows raised in an unspoken question.
“And it was incredible,” Tessa said, her voice breaking at the end as more tears spilled out. “And then I found out who he was—or is.” S
he shook her head in frustration.
“Did—” Spencer stopped, as if trying to ask the right question. “Did he know who he was, er, is?”
That was the issue wasn’t it? Did Kip know who he was to her?
“He knew it was me.”
Spencer’s eye twitched and Tessa knew why. Because it wasn’t really the answer to her question. But it was the answer that she had.
“Also,” Tessa added. “He played a song for me and said that album always reminds him of me.”
Spencer sucked in a breath. “Have you—?”
“Downloaded it and begun the traditional masochistic obsessive listening ritual? Not yet.”
Spencer rubbed her hand across her forehead. “I’m gonna need wine.” She rose and made a beeline for the kitchen to get a glass. “I’ll order us pizza. Get it fired up, babe.”
“Yes, dear.” Tessa set her wine on the side table so she could use her phone with both hands.
Stuffed crust pizza and red wine.
The key ingredients to any emotional flogging. And Spencer knew without even being told.
So what if she was lying about seeing Bo earlier. It seemed so petty in comparison to who Spencer was and always would be to Tessa.
She had her back.
She had her heart.
And you couldn’t buy loyalty like that.
As Tessa cued up the album Andrew McMahon In the Wilderness, Spencer returned with a full glass of wine and a fresh bottle, which she used to refill Tessa’s glass.
As shattered as Tessa’s heart felt in the moment, she was also immensely grateful for the friends she’d been gifted.
She could count on one hand the number of people in her life who cared for her and the state of her heart. Even when she didn’t make sense. Even when her method of emoting seemed counterproductive. Her people loved her through it.
It made her wonder who Kip relied on for his strength.
Anyone?
As far as she could tell, none of his friends knew about his health issues. And he hadn’t ever mentioned being close to his family.
Was his writing the only the way he could express his deeper fears and thoughts?
She dropped her chin to her chest.
Here she was, trying to feel sorry for herself, and all her instincts pointed her to empathizing with Kip instead of being mad at him.
Sushi and Sun Salutations Page 12