Buttoning his coat, he went back into the house.
"Rachel! Where are you? I have to... tell you something!" he said, raising his voice.
Rachel was upstairs, cleaning for that week's Sunday service, which would be held at their house. Hearing Amos' voice, she set her cloth down and dried her hands, then hurried down. Seeing Amos' downcast face, she slowed, knowing what was coming
"John? What happened to him?"
"He - had another break with reality, Rachel. They're going to have to keep him in the hospital even longer while they work with his medication dosage again. When? When will this stop?" Amos' voice broke as he asked his questions.
Rachel, seeing her husband's pain, began crying as well. Walking to him, she put her arms around him. She felt his arms lock around her as he sobbed.
"Did the hospital say how long they would be keeping him there?" she asked as she wiped her tears away.
"Nee. Just said, 'a few weeks.' He won't be home for Christmas, after all. Depending on how he's doing, I think we should take a Christmas meal to him and brighten up his day."
"Amos, I think it'll brighten up our day as well. Call the doctor back and see if we can do so. We were supposed to go to my sister's for that day, but I'd rather spend it with John. I think our families would understand," Rachel said, smiling shakily at him.
"Ya, wife, I think they would. Would you like to call your sister and let her know?"
"Ya. I'll call her after I finish the cleaning. I want to finish upstairs today and do the downstairs tomorrow. So, I'll call her tonight, after we hear what the doctor tells us," Rachel decided. "In the meantime, husband, we can do best for John if we pray for his mental health."
Back in the mental hospital, John came back to full consciousness. He became aware that Mike and Dr. Jackson were in his room, sitting at the side of his bed.
"Doctor? Why am I just now waking up?" asked John, feeling strangely fuzzy. He felt as if... as if he'd been drugged.
The doctor sighed heavily.
"You had another setback, John. Do you remember anything at all?
John tried to think - he remembered several nurses in his room, along with the doctor. He remembered feeling the insect-sting of a needle going into his buttocks. Rubbing the spot reflexively, he nodded.
"I remember seeing several nurses in here. My thoughts... I was... scared or something."
"I had asked you to tell me if you were getting odd thoughts, but I don't think you had the time this morning. The nurse saw you when she came to bring you to my office and she called me. When we got in here, you were in a bad way. Rocking back and forth, moaning, and you were holding both hands to your head."
The doctor's words brought much of the morning's events back to John. Licking dry lips, he said, "Now, I remember... my thoughts didn't make sense. That scared me. Then they started to race and I really got scared. I wanted to go talk to you, but I couldn't move."
Both Doctor Jackson and Mike sighed heavily.
"John, I'm not going to sugar-coat it. Christmas is coming up. You're going to be here through Christmas," Mike said. "We'll do everything we can to make it easy for you - your doctor and I were talking. Your mother called and asked if they could spend Christmas Day with you and we told them they could, so you'll have that."
John had begun feeling very depressed and teary as Mike told him he'd be still in the hospital over Christmas. Then, hearing that his mamm and daed would be with him on Christmas Day, he began sobbing, feeling happy that he would have some family with him.
"Denki, doctor! Mike, thank you!" he sobbed, bringing both hands to his face. "I am going to continue working as hard as I can with you! If - when - if I feel funny again, I'll tell a nurse right away. I promise!"
Instead of having their scheduled therapy session, Mike and John rescheduled for the next day.
"Besides, you just took a big dose of medication and your thoughts may or may not be very logical. Tomorrow's soon enough. See ya'!" Mike said breezily as he got up and opened the door of John's room.
Over the next several days, Mike began working with John on his mistaken beliefs.
"You're gonna' go home and encounter this girl, and you need to be able to see her without losing your ability to think clearly. This is what we're going to do. I'm going to talk about different ways you could end up seeing her, and we're going to work on your thought processes. Where it's wrong, where you think you can limit what she does or who she sees, we'll work on that. Starting now," Mike said.
The two were sitting in Mike's office, John in pajamas, slippers and a robe. He studied the pattern of a blanket on the wall, seeing the intense reds, browns and creams. He sighed with nerves as he waited for Mike to start discussing different possibilities with him.
"OK, let's start. Let's say you see this girl, Rebecca, riding in a buggy with a girlfriend of hers. What's your first thought?"
"Where's she going?"
"What else?" Mike's voice was terse as he worked to help John break through his mistaken beliefs.
"Who - who is she going to see? What are they going to do?" John licked his lips and crossed his arms. He was becoming more nervous.
"Calm down, guy. It's OK. I'm just trying to see where you're at right now," Mike said calmly. "Now, what do you think of doing after having these thoughts? No need for nerves. Nobody's going to pounce on you or anything. This is so we can get home soon."
John sighed, making himself calm down.
"OK. I just want to - to make sure that she's not going to shame her daed and mamm with her activities."
"OK. Let's stop and talk about this. First, I'm guessing that, when you see Rebecca with her friends, you don't know where she's going or what she has planned. Right? Now, there aren't any bars in Peace Crossing. Right? No shopping malls?"
"No -No! Of course not!"
"OK. Do you know what she has planned? Is she going to go, oh, I don't know, eat with her friends?"
"Maybe," John said slowly.
"Or could she just be planning to visit with her girlfriends in their homes? John, I know that your community is conservative compared to the non-Amish world. There's not a lot you can do unless you leave Peace Crossing, right?"
John felt a little more comfortable now. "No, there isn't. I mean, she could be going to spend the day helping a friend... quilting... oh." John's eyes widened as he came to his realization.
"Exactly. Her plans could be perfectly innocent, John. Yet, in your mind, she was going to do something to embarrass her parents. Next. What do you think if you see her with a male?"
John's breath puffed out. This question is too close!
"Who is he? Why are they together?"
"Does she have any male relatives other than her father?"
"Ya. Cousins and brothers."
"OK. Imagine this. You see her with a man. You can't see who the man is, because the buggy is too far away. As you pull closer to it, you recognize the man. Let's say she's with a brother. How can she shame her family then?"
"Well, she can't, can she?"
"Agreed. She can't. Now, I think she made it pretty clear to you that she wasn't going to court with you. What would you do if..."
John squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to imagine the scene.
"John, it's not easy to imagine her with another man. But, when you were under the grip of your delusions, you scared her and she made the decision not to see you - and she has that right. Got that?"
John reluctantly nodded.
"OK."
"Did you and she come to any kind of an understanding regarding a relationship?"
John knew he had to be honest.
"N-no. I took her to a singing. But that was all..."
"And when did you start to follow her?"
John sighed, not wanting to answer.
"John? Remember my requirement about honesty?"
"Yes... Well, after I took her home after the singing, I didn't... go home right away. I drove a ways up the
road and just stopped, watching her parents' house. I wanted to know that she was staying at home instead of sneaking out. So, when I saw her lamp in her room go on, I knew she was home. Then her daed saw me, and I left."
"Tell me about some of the other times you've followed her."
"I... stopped in front of her parents' house and at her friends' houses. I saw her at the Amish market and just stayed in the background. She was talking to her friends, I remember. I started looking for her when she stopped going to meetings - church meetings, I'm sorry. I just... automatically think that she's up to no good. And I can't stop that thinking."
"OK. You need to know that she's not married to you. Because of that, she has the right to see her friends and plan her own daily activities. Got that?"
"So... wait, but my daed taught us that he's responsible for making sure that we do the right..."
"No, John, no! Your father is your father. That's his role. But, other than living in the same community as this Rebecca, you have no other connection to her. Her own father is responsible for making sure that she does the right thing - not you. Yes, I understand that you need to meet a good woman, but I am not going to allow you to use that threadbare excuse of, 'I have to make sure...' - that's up to the fathers of all these women you meet in Peace Crossing. Period! You are going to learn that so that, when you go home, you won't feel compelled to stalk them. Did you know that stalking is a criminal behavior?"
John, stunned, shook his head.
"No. No I didn't..."
"Nobody called the police to have you arrested? By that, I mean this Rebecca or her family."
"I don't think so. Mike, if I had known that it was a crime..."
"You'd still have stalked her, John. Don't kid yourself. Your schizophrenia would have found a way of justifying your behavior. I'm being very up-front with you right now so you see that you have got to change how you respond to your thought patterns."
"Lord, please! I don't want to be a criminal! I'm a carpenter!"
"Yes. You're a carpenter. And you're going to meet someone else. Because Amish families are large, you have a good chance of meeting someone who will become a good life partner, a good wife for you. But it's not going to be Rebecca. Our session is over. I don't want to push you too far. John, we are going to keep working on this. By the time you go home, you are going to be familiar with why you think the way you do. And you're going to know how to keep your thought patterns from becoming a fast track back here. My goal is to show you where your beliefs have become faulty, so you begin to see where you have been imposing or infringing on the rights of another. Got that?"
John smiled, feeling a huge weight lifting from his shoulders.
"Ya. I do, Mike. Thank you!"
Back in his room, John paced, feeling more hopeful than he had in months. He felt more energized, knowing that, yes, his thoughts had been wrong. Instead of feeling upset, he felt as if he had more hope than he'd had before.
OK, so thinking that Rebecca was doing wrong -she wouldn't do that. She's a good woman.
At his next thought, John's pacing slowed.
Mike told me that I have to let her go because she doesn't want to court with me. This means she's going to start courting with someone else.
John looked for his notebook and marker. He wanted to write his thoughts down for Mike. As he thought, he wrote about his feelings regarding Rebecca seeing and courting someone else, and marrying someone else, when he had hoped to marry her. The thoughts he had weren't happy ones, but John forced himself to keep thinking and writing. By the time he had finished, he had shed a few tears. He put his notebook and marker away as the nurse knocked on his door, bringing his dinner tray in.
Sitting on his bed, John removed the tray cover and sighed. Dry chicken and mashed potatoes. Crinkly vegetables and tasteless apple crisp. Shuddering, he forced the food down, washing it down liberally with milk, then water.
The next few weeks continued in the same way, with daily therapy sessions with Mike. As John's medications were adjusted, he experienced various symptoms, forcing Doctor Jackson to tweak dosages yet again.
In between all of this, John's parents drove up to see him on Christmas Day, bringing one of Rachel's home-cooked meals - tender, roasted turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, fresh cranberries, vegetables and a crispy salad. For dessert, John wolfed down a slice of pumpkin pie. After he and his parents ate, they read their Bibles aloud to each other, talking about the story of Jesus' birth.
Before Rachel and Amos left, they talked about what John had been working on and how he felt mentally.
"Doctor Jackson is still working on my dosages. I've had two setbacks, but I think they're getting closer, daed. My therapist, Mike, is helping me to see where my beliefs about Rebecca were wrong. See, he wants me to learn how to remember that she has rights and that I can't mess with them," John said.
"Good! As soon as you understand that and you can respect that - and Rebecca -then, you'll be coming home," Amos said, putting his hands on John's shoulders.
"We miss you, son, and we want you at home. You might have more setbacks, but just keep working as hard as you can," Rachel said.
John hugged both parents and watched them leave. He already missed them, but he knew that, as long as he worked hard in therapy the next several days, they'd be back, weather permitting.
Chapter 4
On Christmas Day, Atlee Fisher came to visit with Rebecca after dark. Sitting in the living room, they visited and laughed, getting to know each other better. They had just begun to court, but already Rebecca felt that the beginnings of this relationship were healthier and based more on a desire to get to know each other, rather than on the desire of one to control the actions of the other. She looked forward to Atlee's visits -during the day, she completed her chores, feeling happy.
Atlee felt hopeful about the beginning of his courting relationship with Rebecca. After her initial hesitation, she had decided that she wanted to court with him and had begun to welcome him into her father's home. He was mindful of their positions as children of the bishop and deacon, respectively, and made sure that their times together were innocent and filled with conversations that allowed them to get to know each other.
Even when the couple couldn't be together, they were happy, knowing that they would be able to see each other at another time.
Rebecca returned to teaching school in the spring term, feeling hopeful, energized and ready to begin working with her scholars. In the evenings, after she had finished grading, Atlee would come and visit her, even if only for half an hour. By now, they had progressed to small touches on each other's hands as they discussed different issues. At one Sunday service, Atlee disappeared with his father and came back, looking sobered. After the lunch fellowship had ended, he dodged and wove around other community members, heading for Rebecca.
"Rebecca, you might want to come and talk to my daed. I have some... news you might want to hear," he told her.
Rebecca felt her stomach fall. She got the feeling it wouldn't be good. Following Atlee, she wondered what it was.
"Miss Zook, I just spoke to John Beiler's parents. Barring any setbacks, he's coming home by the middle of next month," said Bishop Fisher.
Rebecca's mouth fell open. Fortunately, her mamm and daed had come into the barn and both of them grabbed Rebecca's arms to keep her from falling down.
"No! He'll..."
"He's doing much better. He's been working with a therapist now. And Amos tells me that they are giving him injections instead of pills."
"How... how does that help?" Rebecca asked. She wanted to believe that John would be better and that he would leave her alone.
"It's not very easy to understand, but he has a pretty constant level of medicine in his system, which means he's not going to think or act irrationally. At least, that's nigh on what the doctor told Amos," said the bishop, scratching the side of his cheek.
"I'm happy for John, but I just want him to leave me alone,"
Rebecca said forthrightly.
Deacon and Barbara Zook were both relieved that Amos Beiler had told the bishop that John would be returning. First, it gave them the time to make plans, just in case John began to fall apart again. Second, it allowed them to prepare mentally for his return.
At home, Barbara spoke with Rebecca. "Rebecca, will you keep seeing Atlee?" she asked.
"Ya, I will. I... I like him. John isn't going to try to control me. I've been thinking about what my sister told me, and I'm going to let him know that I am not interested in him."
"Hold on, there, daughter," said Abraham. "Don't borrow trouble. He may have gotten the idea by now and be ready to respect your rights. Just greet him normally and don't be rude to the man."
Rebecca sighed, frustrated. Pursing her lips together, she nodded briefly. Looking outside the kitchen window and seeing the late-afternoon sun beginning to blaze across the snow, she forced herself to calm down. Don't worry. You have mamm, daed and Atlee.
"OK. I will do as you say, daed. I have to prepare for tomorrow's school day, so I'd better get started."
Two weeks later, John returned home. He was nervous, not wanting to experience another mental disintegration, and determined to stay healthy. He was scheduled to meet with Mike once a week. Once a month, his daed would drive him to the hospital for his shots to ensure that he stayed mentally stable. He was eager to resume working on his carpentry so he could help his parents pay off his hospital bill a little more quickly. Going to town with his daed to buy wood, he greeted friends calmly.
"Ya, I am back and I'm determined to stay healthy this time. Everybody has made it clear what I have to do and I'm responsible for that," he told one of his friends.
At the end of that week, Mike traveled down to Peace Crossing and met with John in the Beiler's kitchen.
"So, tell me how this first week at home has been. What are your thought patterns? Have you seen Rebecca?" asked Mike, leaning forward with interest. He sipped from his cup of coffee.
"My thought patterns have been normal, thank God. I meet up with my friends and I'm able to follow conversations and respond appropriately. And, no, I haven't seen her," said John. "If I do, I will just wave to her and drive by. I - I know that she isn't interested in me, and that's my fault."
Loving And Letting Go: An Amish Christian Romance Page 5