by Lolah Lace
“Okay what’s happened since Saturday morning. I left you in a good mood.”
“Mark.” I threw my entire head back and morphed into a whiny child. “Mark, Mark.” I chanted. “Close the door.” I was stressed.
Mark closed my office door. He sat in the chair in front of my desk. “What? Tell me what happened?”
“Tami is moving out of our apartment when the lease is up. She’s going to get a place with her pubescent boyfriend. I can’t catch a fucking break.” I pouted.
“Calm down.”
“I can’t calm down. I’m going to be homeless.”
“C’mon, your situation isn’t that bad.”
“I can’t afford that apartment by myself. I’m still paying off student loans. I have a fucking car note.”
“Take a breath.”
I cut my eyes at him. “I live in a really good area. It costs a fortune to live in Oak Park. Now I have to find a bullshit apartment that I can afford all by myself.” I slammed my head down on my desk.
“Yeah, or you can come move in with me.”
I raised my head to glare at him. “Mark, I have a serious issue. Please, no jokes.”
“I’m not joking. I have an entire house. You can just pay whatever you can afford.”
“Why?”
“Why not? I live alone. It’s a four-bedroom house.”
“Why are you renting a four-bedroom house instead of an apartment?”
“I’m not renting. I own it.”
“Why didn’t I know this?”
“It never came up in conversation.”
I couldn’t deny that was true. “It’s very nice that you offered, but I’m sure I can find something.”
“Why would you dismiss my offer? We literally would be perfect roommates.”
“Really?” What made him think that?
“Yes, we already know we can tolerate each other and we’re like real friends. Like outside of the workplace.”
“That’s true but—”
“You came to my dad’s funeral. You’re the reason I have this job. If you didn’t look out for me I probably would’ve been fired a long time ago.”
Everything he said was true, but… “Yeah, but—”
“It’s not like it’s that deep. My house is huge. You should come by and take a look at it before you just dismiss me. I mean, dismiss it. Can you at least think about it? We’re supposed to be friends, right?”
“We are friends. I just seems like it would be awkward. You would be my landlord and you could just throw me out.”
“Why would I ever throw you out?”
“You might end up with a steady girlfriend. Remember, you said girlfriends always are jealous if their boyfriends have female friends.”
He chuckled, and I was happy to see it. He seemed angry with me a few minutes ago.
“You don’t have to worry about that. I’m not going to end up with a steady girlfriend.”
I twisted my lips. “Man, you don’t know that.”
“I know.”
“The ways these hookers through themselves at you.”
“I wouldn’t kick you out. If it makes you feel any better, I can go buy one of those lease agreements the sell at Office Max. We can sign an agreement or something if it makes you feel more secure.”
“I think that would make me feel better.”
“Great, so you will consider it?”
“Yes, I’m considering it.” I didn’t know if I was shutting him up or really considering this as a real option.
“How many months left on your apartment lease?”
“Two.”
“Follow me home after work and you can take a look around. It’s a two-car garage and you can have your own separate bathroom.”
“Okay.”
Mark stood. “I’m going to order Primo’s for lunch. I’ll bring yours to you when they arrive. Should be a little after twelve. The delivery guy is always late.”
“Okay.”
I watched Mark strut out of my office. I wasn’t sure what just happened or how I should feel about it. Could I live with a man? I didn’t really think about it, and now I was forced to. It was sort of weird, but I got along really well with Mark. I’m not sure if I ever viewed him as a man. He was like my tall White cousin.
Reach Out And Touch
My mind was put at ease when I decided to move in with Mark. His house was nice and located five minutes closer to our job. Tami thought moving in with Mark was a good idea. She said I would feel safer with a man around. I had to admit that made me feel better about the move. I had one week left in the apartment with Tami and I knew I was going to miss her.
At first I was mad, but I knew I couldn’t stay mad at Tami for abandoning me. It wasn’t her fault she was lucky in love. I couldn’t have really believed we were going to live with each other forever. One of us was going to eventually go off, get married, or at least shack up with a guy. I wanted to marry one day, although statistically forty-eight percent of African American women will never get married.
I had almost everything packed. I was taking a few things at a time because Mark was helping me and there wasn’t this rush to do everything in one day because I was waiting for my landlord to give me a key.
Mark made me a key two weeks ago so I could come over and bring a few things when the mood hit me. I didn’t move much because Mark did it for me. He grabbed some of my clothes and shoes. He left with my things a few minutes ago so when I heard the knock on the door I knew he was coming back up for something.
I jumped off my bed and hurried to the door. Almost all of Tami’s stuff was gone from the apartment, but she was still coming here every day to chill with me. I opened the door without looking through the peephole. Something I was going to take note to stop doing in the future.
I opened the door, and he was standing there. He looked the same, but he hadn’t shaved in a while. My temper instantly flared, and it was taking every single bone in my body to remain cool and calm. I had the urge to claw his eyeballs out of the sockets.
I wanted to Carol Baskin this bastard. I was only two-thirds a savage. I was the classy and bougee part, but I was missing the ratchet. This was one of those times I wished I was ratchet.
“Tanya.” My name came out of Brandon’s mouth in a husky whisper. “Tanya.”
I just stared at him. I was staring through his hurtful bald-headed ass. What was it about me that made exes show up at my door?
“No.” The words didn’t make much sense but his abrupt departure from my life didn’t either so whatever.
He frowned. “Tanya.”
“No, I’m done.” I couldn’t believe I had the courage to say that. I did, and I was proud of myself. It had been a little over two months. I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say.
“You’re done with me?” His cocky attitude came rushing through my doorway.
“Yes, I am.”
“Fine.”
My shoulders popped up. If he thought he was bold. I would be bolder. “Cool, now leave.” I tried to close the door on him, but his hand quickly stopped my actions.
“Not so fast. I left some things here.”
My mind thought about it and he was right. He had a few things in my bedroom, a few t-shirts, a pack of underwear, some socks, deodorant, and a toothbrush.
“Wait here. I will get your stuff.” I glared at him and tried to close the door again. He stepped into the doorway.
“Go get my shit.”
Please explain to me how a man that walked out of your life could be such a bold and brazen asshole. I did nothing to him and he was here acting like a whole bitch over a few items.
I stormed away from the open door, leaving him standing in the doorway. I headed straight into the kitchen. I searched the bottom cabinet for a plastic bag. I needed something to toss his bullshit in. I ducked out of the kitchen and walked down the hall to my bedroom.
I felt a presence behind me, and I turned to him. Brandon was
standing in my bedroom with an unreadable expression on his face. He was blank, but I wasn’t. I was fuming.
“Get the fuck out of my apartment! I’m getting your shit.” I opened the second drawer of my dresser and started tossing his balled up socks in the plastic Target bag.
“You’re getting my shit? You are mine. Are you going to jump inside that bag too?”
I fought the urge to turn around and slap him with the bag. I continued to put his things in the bag until I couldn’t do it anymore. He grabbed me from behind and lifted me off of my feet. He swung me around. My legs flailed and kicked out at the air. My arms were glued to my sides. Hid grip was tight. I had to drop the plastic bag.
“Let me go!” Kicking and screaming seemed to be my only options. He had me in a tight bear hug and I could barely move. “Let me go!” I yelled out bloody murder.
He loosened his grip so he could forcibly push me down on my bed. I wished I had put my bed in storage. I landed face first on the mattress, but he flipped me over on my back before I could make any sudden moves. He jumped down on top of me.
“Get off me!”
He covered my mouth with one hand. My next scream was muffled under his warm palm. He weighed too much for me to buck him off. My hands were free, and I clawed at his forearms. My nails didn’t seem to bother him, although I knew I had drawn blood.
“Tanya, stop!” He roared and something about his tone made me stop moving, talking and clawing at his tattooed skin.
I was exhausted from the fight. I had no more energy left in me. I looked into his eyes and I didn’t see anything too sinister or devilish. I didn’t think he was going to murder me. I didn’t think he was going to rape me, but my judgment was a joke when it came to these raggedy ass bastards.
He removed his hand from my mouth and just stared down at me. I took a few deep and meaningful breaths. I needed them.
“Tanya, I’m sorry.” He might as well been speaking Mandarin because his words meant nothing to me. “Please listen to me. I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“Leaving you. I’m sorry.”
My eyes rolled. He just didn’t see it because it happened in my mind. “I accept your apology. Can you get the fuck off of me?” I hoped my monotone request would be enough for him to get off my body and out of my apartment.
“Tanya, I love you.” He only loved himself, but I was going to get into the particulars of his little confession. The first and the only time he confessed love was one month into us seeing each other. At the time I believed him, even though it was during sex. Then his janky clown ass vanished like a quarter in a kid’s ear. All I wanted to do was abracadabra his ass out of my apartment.
“I missed you.” I missed him too, but there was no way I would ever admit it. “Did you miss me?”
“No, not really.” I lied, but I was doing what men had done to me so many times in the past, present and probably future.
“I don’t care. I missed you. I missed kissing your lips, sucking your nipples, fucking your wet, tight pussy.”
He’d said a mouthful. I didn’t have any smart aleck comment, but I was thinking of something when his lips came crushing down on mine.
Fuck no! I bit him. He quickly pulled away. I smiled inside. My enteral glee was halted when he put his hand around my neck. He didn’t squeeze, but I knew it was inevitable.
“You bit me.”
I couldn’t deny it. Oops didn’t seem like an appropriate response, so I just closed my mouth and my eyes.
“Brandon, what do you want?”
“I want to explain.”
“I don’t care.”
“I have to explain what happened.”
“Fine, fuck it. Get off of me and tell me what happened to you.”
I must have said the magic words because he climbed off of me and sat at the foot of the bed. I sat up and climbed off the bed. I wish I had my chair to sit in, but Mark had already moved it into his house.
I crossed my arms under my chest and leaned against the wall. I hoped his little explanation would not take all day. I told Mark I was coming by later with some more of my things.
“Brandon, speak, I have things to do.”
“Are you moving?”
It sure looked that way. Was he just now noticing my bedroom was in complete disarray?
“Yes, I am.”
“Where are you going?”
I wanted to say Phoenix, Arizona, but I didn’t. I just had the urge to lie for no reason at all. “Doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me.”
“Please man. I really have somewhere to be.”
“I didn’t want to disappear.”
“Yeah, yeah, you were kidnapped by a Columbian drug cartel. That’s why you couldn’t answer your phone.”
“I didn’t respond to your texts and calls because I was going through some tough shit and I wasn’t dealing with it very well.”
“Really?” Sarcasm spewed from my lips because I was Black. Poor baby, what White man privilege problems had poor Brandon Cahill gone through?
“Just promise you will hear me out.”
“I’m listening.”
“I left your place that night and a got a call from my mother. I drove to Kenosha. My father had a heart attack. She was trying to get ahold of me. I was here and then I drove there. I met my mother at the hospital, and that’s when things got worse. He survived the heart attack only to be diagnosed with stage four cancer.”
“I’m sorry to hear this.” I was sorry about his dad but a quick text message saying my dad’s in the hospital, I will hit you later, would’ve worked for me.
“I wasn’t able to handle this. My father hid his cancer from us. They gave him one month left to live. He died three weeks later.”
“Why didn’t you say something to me?”
“I don’t deal with things. I shut down. I isolate myself. I just couldn’t deal. I wanted to call you, but if I told you, that would make it real. I needed to focus all my attention on my mother. She was falling apart.”
“I’m sorry this happened to you, but this is the second time a man ghosted me. You thought so little of me that a text wasn’t something you even wanted to answer. At first, I thought something happened to you. We were in a relationship, so I don’t understand why putting my mind at ease just wasn’t a priority for you. I don’t understand that part of it.”
“I’m not making excuses for my behavior but running away when shit is effecting me is something I do. I didn’t just stop talking to you. I stopped talking to everyone. I took a leave from my job. I’ve always done this. I admit it’s wrong. It’s the wrong to do deal but its how I deal. I’m sorry I hurt you. I was just focused on my family’s shit and I just couldn’t add anything else to it.”
“You mean anyone else.”
“I miss you. I miss us. I want you to give me another chance.”
“Ah, Brandon—”
“Before you say no, please just think about it. I can make it up to you if you just give me the chance. I love you. I hated being away from you. After the funeral I knew I fucked up and I was going to try to fix it wit you.”
Brandon stood and walked over to me. “Please Tanya, just talk to me.”
“I’m talking to you now. You can’t just walk back in here and pick up where you left off. Things are different now.”
“Are you seeing someone?”
“No, but I’m busy. I have important things on my mind. I’m moving.”
“So once you move into your new place, can we go out on a date? I need to see you again.”
“I don’t know.”
I watched Brandon remove his cell phone from his pocket. He hit a few buttons, and I heard it ring. Then a second later my cell phone started ringing. I grabbed my cell off the dresser and saw Brandon’s name on my screen. He ended the call and my cell stopped ringing.
“You didn’t block me.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Can
I call you?”
“Sure.” At this point I was exhausted with this entire conversation and I just wanted to go over to my new place and start this a different chapter in my life.
“I’m going to make this up to you. I’m going to do better.”
“I really hope you change your ways. What you did is really fucked up.”
“I know and I’m going to make it right. I’m going to call you.”
Brandon pulled me into an embrace that I didn’t reciprocate. I stood there stiff as a board. My actions didn’t stop him from planting a kiss on my lips that I didn’t completely dismiss.
“I just need one more chance.”
I shrugged. “I have to go out.”
“Okay.” He took a few steps back.
I walked over and grabbed the bag containing his things off the floor. I handed it toward him. “Here.”
He looked down at the bag. “Keep it.”
I wasn’t going to play his game. I had every intention of mailing him his things once I moved. I was busy, and it was a priority for me because it wasn’t for him. His reluctance to take his stuff didn’t affect me. I knew his address and he would receive his stuff shortly.
“Tanya, please think about what I said.”
“I will.”
Brandon reached out and took my hand. He rubbed my knuckles against his lips and then he just left my bedroom. I stood idle and waited until I heard the front door close. He was gone. I was relieved, and I was confused.
Seeing this man did something to me. I still had feelings for him. I hated that my brain was not rid of the imprint he’d left on me. This was something I wasn’t in the right headspace to deal with.
Swept Away
Seeing Brandon was overwhelming, but I brushed that all aside. I had to take care of my business. I called Mark and told him I was feeling well so I wasn’t bringing any of my things by his house later. I just wanted to chill all by myself after seeing Brandon.
I talked to Tami about my pop-up visit from Brandon. Tami was sort of neutral after I shared everything he said to me. I wasn’t heartless, but I found it quite convenient that he disappeared and blamed his rude and hurtful behavior on his father’s illness. But then again, the situation was dire. His father died. I received a pic of the obituary in a text message. I guess Brandon wanted to prove he wasn’t lying about his father’s funeral.