by Shen, L. J.
“I think what made me fall in love with her, was that every time we were together, we smashed each other’s walls with a hammer. It was ruthless. She put a mirror to my face. I put a mirror to hers. We saw each other at our best and worst. We made each other face our fears and insecurities and loneliness. At the end of it, I was so completely, ridiculously, pathetically in love with her, I couldn’t even see straight. And I screwed it up. Big time.”
This was the hard part. The own-up-to-it part. The part I loathed. I turned to look at her. Her face was searching, her stance lax.
“I’m sorry I was less than you deserve, Tex, but I’m afraid I can’t let you walk away from this. You see, it’s too good, too rare to give up. I said in the cafeteria you weren’t my girlfriend, and you weren’t.” I paused, watching her face twist with shock again. “You were my everything. Still are, baby. You wanted me to make you feel beautiful, but there’s no one half as pretty as you are in this whole goddamn world. Please …” My voice broke, and I bent the knee, like I’d always planned to.
“Don’t break my heart so soon after putting it back together.”
The air was thick in the auditorium as everyone held their breath. I was pretty sure for every second that ticked without her reaction, I lost an entire year of my life. Silver lining: a full minute of that, and I’d drop dead and wouldn’t have to witness my own, very open disgrace.
Finally, Grace found her voice. “On your feet, St. Claire,” she whispered under her breath. “A king doesn’t bow to others.”
I got up and scooped her up, giving people something to look at and talk about for years in this godforsaken town, pressing a dirty kiss to her lips and almost breaking her jaw in the process.
“He does for his queen.”
Grace
Three Years Later.
“Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for the cast of King Lear!”
I step forward, holding hands with my fellow actors, and bow my head. The limelight is on me, the bright yellow hues slicing my figure. The audience has noticed the scars throughout the show, no doubt.
I don’t mind. I’m solely focused on celebrating my very first paid work as an actress at Austin’s Paramount Theater. It is a small part, but it is going to pay the bills and then some.
I’m a paid actress.
I do what I love.
What I was born to do. Even if I tried to convince myself for a second that it wasn’t the case. That I couldn’t pull through.
The third time I bow my head, I notice him in the third row, clapping and whistling.
The love of my life. The man who never gave up on me, long after I’d given up on myself. Easton is sitting by his side, with his girlfriend, Lilian. And … is that Karlie? What is she doing here? She’s supposed to be in DC, having snagged a prestigious internship at a local newspaper.
I can’t help it. A grin spreads across my face. I blow them a quick kiss and duck my head, knowing I’m scarlet-red under my makeup.
The clapping subsides, and all the actors return backstage, hugging and congratulating one another. I slip into the dressing room and switch back to my normal clothes—no more hoodies for me. A pair of tight jeans and a short-sleeved shirt do the trick. We’re going for some after-show drinks down the block, but I’m hoping I can have the first round of drinks solely with my boyfriend, Easton, Karlie, and Lilian.
West and I have been spending a lot of time together with Lilian and Easton ever since I moved to Austin after graduation. West was the first one to move, having graduated before me. He and Easton opened a gym together. They’re super successful, and really hitting their stride. Lilian is their executive assistant, and her click with Easton was immediate.
I still can’t believe how well everything worked.
West stayed in Texas, renting an apartment not even fifteen minutes away from Grams’ nursing home. As I was finishing my degree, I would study in Sheridan during the week and spend the weekends with him. I moved in with him at the beginning of this year, exactly one day after I graduated.
I slip out of the dressing room as fast as I can. My friends are waiting for me just outside the backstage, the closest they can get to the actors before security stops them.
“Karlie!” I pounce on my best friend. We hug and twirl each other around, giggling. It takes us a full minute to pull ourselves together, even though Karlie has been gone for less than four months.
“Where’s my thank you? I’m the one who put her ass on the first flight from DC to Austin,” West grumbles behind her back, and I break my millionth hug with Karlie to jump him, too, peppering his face with wet kisses.
“Sorry! Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
“Gratitude is best delivered through actions.”
I roll my eyes and pat his chest. “You’ll be rewarded later on tonight.”
“That’s more like it.” East gives West a fist-bump.
Lilian and I exchange exasperated looks and laugh. My boyfriend takes my hand, and we all pour out to the beautiful summer night, strolling toward a local bar. I notice West’s steps are particularly slow. Karlie is marching briskly next to Easton and Lilian, a few good feet away from us. We’re lagging way behind.
“What’s up with them?” I laugh nervously. “They’re jogging, and we’re snailing behind.”
“It’s called giving people space.” West’s voice is tight, strained. It is not the same West I’ve known for the past three years. The happy-go-lucky guy I had become accustomed to. The man he used to be before what happened to Aubrey. This guy was back as soon as we got back together—for real this time—and I fell even harder for him.
“We need space?” I asked. “Is this about where we’re going to be this Christmas? Because I already told you, I’m fine with spending Christmas with your family and New Year’s with Grams.”
That’s what we’ve been doing the past couple years. Grams’ cognitive situation has deteriorated over the years, to a point where she doesn’t remember me at all. But she is as comfortable as she can be, and I still make it a point to visit her weekly. It’s not ideal, but that is something I learned to live with—doing my best for someone, even when the situation is less than perfect.
Unfortunately, it makes no difference to Grams where I spend my Christmases, but I still do my best to give her company, to talk to her, to hold her hand.
“It’s not about Christmas.” West shakes his head. “I have something to tell you.”
“Okay.”
“I’ve been seeing someone else.”
I stop walking, stare him straight in the eye. I don’t believe it. It’s not that I refuse to believe it, I simply don’t. For all his faults, he is the most loyal man I’ve ever met in my life. Tilting my head to the side, I study him.
“That true?”
“Afraid so.”
“What’s she like?” I humor him. I like that jealousy is not a thing between us anymore. I’d spent the first six months of our relationship hysterical over him running away with Tess or Melanie, when really, the only woman to drive him nuts was me. Our friends have now turned a corner on the street, and are away from earshot.
“She’s great. Very attentive, smart, intelligent …” he continues, watching my face for signs of annoyance. He finds none. “But I broke it off after I got what I wanted from her.”
“Which is?” I cock an eyebrow.
He drops on one knee and produces something from his pocket. A square little box, popping it open in front of me. I’m aware that people around us have stopped dead in their tracks to watch on curiously.
“She is a jeweler, and she helped me make this. I hope you like it.”
I peer into the box. It’s a ring.
Not just any ring.
A flame ring.
A flame ring that’s completely different to the one my mother had left behind. This one is made out of pure white gold and has a twinkling ruby in the center. I finger it, my breath catching in my throat. It’s exquis
ite. Even more impressive—it is so me.
“I … this is …”
West takes it out and slides it onto my ring finger.
“Three years ago, I walked into a college theater and watched as you smashed your debut role. Now you’re playing with the big boys and girls, and you know what? I had no doubt you would. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, because everything that came before you was a fucking waste. You don’t complete me, Grace Shaw. You create a better me.” He draws a quick breath, shaking his head. “Fucking hell, that’s my cliché quota for the century. If it makes it any better, I thought about every single one of those things that I said. I didn’t check Pinterest once for inspiration like East suggested.”
“Eat shit, St. Claire. Pinterest’s got some rad ideas!” I hear Easton yell from the corner of the street, behind a red-bricked building. I’m giggling and hiccupping from excitement now. They’re all huddled around the corner, waiting for my answer.
“What do you say, Tex? Wanna walk through fire together?”
I nod, tugging at his hand to make him stand up.
“Can’t think of anyone better to spend the rest of my life with.”
We seal the deal with a kiss, and I wrap my arms around him, giving in to the moment. His kiss is intense, sweet, and demanding, but before it can get too hot for a crowded street, West breaks it off and rubs my back.
“Holy shit, Tex.” He grins down at me. “And to think that it all started when I put a pair of ballerina shoes on a food truck stair just to piss you off!”
“And to think that I told her she’d be stupid enough to fall in love with you!” Karlie reappears from the corner, swaggering toward us with a huge grin. She jumps on me, squealing with excitement.
“And to think that I had to drag Grace’s ass out on a date to snap West into action!” Easton jumps on West’s back, laughing.
“And to think …” Lilian pauses, scrunching her eyebrows and giving it some thought. “Fine, I’ve got nothing. I didn’t know y’all three years ago.”
We all burst into laughter, and soon enough, the whole street is clapping for us.
I don’t let the fact that Grams is not here to enjoy this hinder my happiness.
I embrace it. Throw myself into happiness headfirst. Give myself the permission to be in this moment. Because once upon a time, a boy who gave me a ride on his motorcycle told me you can take care of someone else without blaming yourself for all their problems.
He didn’t believe his own words at the time, but now he does.
And so do I.
West
I wait for my parents at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport. Tess and Reign are by my side, their flight having just landed from Indiana. They live next to Reign’s parents now. He’s an insurance broker, and Tess is a stay-at-home mom.
They left their baby daughter, Ramona, with Reign’s parents.
They are both elbowing me from either side as I look on, trying to spot Mom and Dad. Texas slides into the periphery of my vision, handing all of us cups of coffee.
Tess gives her a quick hug.
“Lookin’ good, Grace!”
“Same, Tess. How’s Ramona?”
“Teething. Which is just delightful.” Tess snorts. “Seriously, thanks for getting married. The timing could not be more perfect to take a weekend-long break and leave her with the in-laws.”
“Just enough time for me to knock you up again!” Reign throws his wife a wink and an arm over her shoulder. She rolls her eyes and snorts.
“That’s three minutes. What will you do with the rest of your weekend?” I grunt. Everyone laughs. I want my parents to come out of that gate so we can get out of here. It’s packed as all hell at the airport.
I no longer hate big crowds. Not since I started going to therapy for what was obviously depression and suicidal thoughts. Dr. Riskin says I’m an introvert-extrovert. I say I’m just a man who only enjoys the presence of a handful of people. Mostly, my fiancée and best friend.
“Oh man, look who it is.” Reign jerks a finger sideways. I glance, wondering if my parents are already here and haven’t texted me yet. But no. It’s Kade Appleton. The ape looks up and our eyes lock. He sees my face and flashes me a startled look.
Don’t come here.
Of course he makes his way over to us.
Over the past three years, I put a lot of effort into making sure Kade Appleton stayed on the straight and narrow. I know he dropped his seedy manager shortly after our conversation at Max’s, since the two of them were worthless without the illegal operations they co-managed.
Appleton stops in front of me. Texas is by my side, sliding her fingers through mine and giving me a look I can only describe as please don’t kill anyone. We’ve already paid for the dress.
Duly noted, baby.
“Shit. St. Claire. It is you. Looking good.”
Why does everyone keep saying that? “Looking good?” Why do people even care? It’s not like we’re heading to a mass orgy straight from here.
“You good?” I eye him, throwing a protective arm over my fiancée’s shoulder. It’s an instinct I will never get rid of.
“Totally, man. Havin’ a good time. Been keeping my head low. My probation is over, so I’m back in the martial arts league. First month in. I’m here on a family vacation.”
He is not telling me anything I don’t know. I’ve been watching him closely. Making sure he treats his baby momma right. His gaze flickers to Grace, and I harden. He smiles at her cordially, on his best behavior.
“Your boyfriend …”
“Fiancé,” she corrects him sweetly.
He chuckles. “Whoever he is to you, he is crazy about you. Hope you know that.”
“Sure do.”
“Westie! Gracie!” I hear from the bowels of the gate and forget all about Kade. We both head over to greet my parents. I pick up Mom in the air and give her a twirl. She put some weight on and finally doesn’t feel as light as Aubrey did. Dad is not looking too shabby either. All shaved and clear-eyed. They look younger than they did when I left Maine at eighteen.
“Glad you could make it.” Texas is giving my dad a squeeze. “I know you’ve been busy with the business lately.”
“We wouldn’t miss your wedding for anything in the world,” Mom points out, and I realize that it’s true.
It may not always have been the truth—not in the few years following Aubrey’s death—but my parents deserve a pass.
Hell, I got a pass.
Grace got a pass.
We’ve all been less than perfect.
Because at the end of the day, we are all just phoenixes, rising from our own ashes, taking flight to an unknown destination, our wingtips forged by flames.
The End.
I wish I could take credit for Playing with Fire, but the truth of the matter is, I only wrote the book. West and Grace came to me in a dream, and the story belongs to them, not me.
Grace, especially, was born out of my need to write a woman who is less than perfect in a genre where….well, many heroines look kind-of perfect. I love her fiercely and wanted to protect her with everything I had, so this book was a difficult process, but an amazing adventure to take.
I would like to thank the people who stood by me and helped me with this book. To my editors: Angela Marshall Smith, Tamara Mataya, Max Dodson, and Paige Maroney Smith. Thank you so much for giving West and Grace the love and attention they deserved!
To my PA, Tijuana Turner, who has read this book too many times to count, and knows me and my process inside-out. You’re my favorite (and only) Momager.
To my beta readers, Vanessa Villegas, Amy Halter and Lana Kart. A million Thank You’s are in order!
To my BESTIES, Charleigh Rose, Ava Harrison and Parker S. Huntington, who cheered me from the sidelines, and to my awesome street team and reading group, L.J’s Sassy Sparrows.
Huge thank you goes to my agent, Kimberly Brower, and also my cover designers, Letitia Hasse
r and Bailey McGinn, and formatter, Stacey Ryan Blake. You are all so creative, talented and good at what you do!
Many thank yous to Social Butterfly and their entire team for the PR. As always, you are appreciated.
Special shout out to the bloggers and readers who have supported me throughout this journey. I am forever indebted to you!
If you enjoyed Playing with Fire (or even if you didn’t, but feel strongly about it), I would appreciate it greatly if you choose to leave an honest review.
Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.
L.J. Shen xoxo
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Standalones
Tyed
Sparrow
Blood to Dust
Midnight Blue
Dirty Headlines
The Kiss Thief
In the Unlikely Event
The Devil Wears Black (out 03/09/2021, available for pre-order)
Series
Sinners of Saint:
Defy (#0.1)
Vicious (#1)
Ruckus (#2)
Scandalous (#3)
Bane (#4)
All Saints High:
Pretty Reckless (#1)
Broken Knight (#2)
Angry God (#3)
Boston Belles:
The Hunter (#1)
The Villain (#2)
The Monster (#3)
The Rake (#4)
More to come…
Before you leave, make sure you try my signature series of standalones, SINNERS OF SAINT. Vicious is the first book in the series. Here is the first chapter. Hope you enjoy!