Love always,
Henry
(your Glad-Fun)"
Staring at the page for a moment, Nita felt relief at knowing the truth, finally. She was no longer angry. There were no tears in her eyes. Did that mean that she had forgiven him? If it did, she was still unsure.
"OK, Lord" Nita got up on her knees and began to pray. "You told me in the Bible, that I am supposed to forgive. I think I am ready... I forgive Henry."
She sat still for a few moments. "Oh, and God, please let me know if I did it wrong. Amen."
Nita put the letter through the shredder and dumped it with the trash. No one would be able to find the letter or read it ever again. As she went, she began to feel lighter. She felt like she was free.
Chapter 16
Singles Conference
"Good Morning and welcome to the Community Church's Annual Singles' Conference." The leader of the Single Adult's Ministry, who was jokingly, but affectionately known as "Uncle SAM", welcomed the three dozen single people to the church basement's multi-purpose room. The hungry crowd showed their appreciation for the generous continental breakfast by devouring it. Only a few surviving muffin crumbs, two grapes and a slice of apple remained.
Hannah, Nita and the Baggins cousins carried their conference packets into the room and found two pairs of seats somewhat close together. Gina took the spot next to Hannah, leaving Elle to sit next to Nita. It seemed to be official, the four women had become friends.
Uncle S.A.M. continued to speak. "As the organizers of this event, we want you to throw away every notion you may have about singles' conferences. We will be reviewing some things you may already know, but we're also going to introduce you to a few things you may not yet know. The Bible has been around for nearly 2,000 years, but the internet and social media are new. Some of you have asked 'how should a Christian single person behave on on-line?' We're gonna talk about that. And 'how does someone recover from being victimized by 'revenge porn' or 'date rape'?" He spoke with sincerity and concern.
"Christian singles need to know that God loves all of His children, including the single ones, even as they face the opportunities and challenges of new technology. He wants them to enjoy dating within certain limits. He has given them His church for support as they find their marriage partner or discover that they have been given the gift of singleness. Our goal is to prepare you to move forward and live a life that is full of God's blessings."
Hannah opened her notebook and set it on her desk, beside her Bible. Nita inspected the contents of her conference packet. She found a key-chain from the local Bible Bookstore, a calendar with verses from the book of Psalms, a coupon for a free trial month on a Christian dating website and an individually wrapped mint candy. Gina resisted the urge to look around the room to check out the single men who were present. She waited until the speaker delivered a punch line and everyone else was laughing. When they were looking around, she looked, too.
Elle seemed agitated and a little angry. She sat at her desk, quietly drawing some intense and slightly grotesque doodles in her notebook. When Nita seemed to notice them, she hid them by turning to a blank page.
"What are you most interested in hearing, today?" Nita asked her desk-mate in a whisper.
"Oh, I dunno, maybe that thing he said about social media, I guess." Elle shrugged.
As the day progressed, the women attended break-out sessions entitled, "Let's Talk About Sex Outside Of Marriage" and "Forgiving Someone After A Break-Up: Yourself". They had a lunch break and returned to the main conference room for the closing session. Uncle S.A.M. stepped up to the microphone as Nita was one of the last to return. She stood in the back near the door.
Uncle S.A.M. was very forthright. "We've been praying for each one of you since before we knew who would sign up for this conference. This afternoon, we have set time aside for anyone who is carrying a heavy burden. If you have been listening to the conference speakers and you find you are struggling with something that is happening in your life, please come and one of the ministers will listen confidentially and pray with you."
The somber mood intensified. The speaker, now, in pastor-mode, continued. "Maybe, there is a married person you find you're attracted to, or it's someone else who is unavailable for whatever reason. Maybe, such a person may be pursuing you, and you're interested. If you are a divorcee, you may be hurting right now because people, who say they are Christian, have mistreated you. You may have just ended a sexual relationship or a same-sex relationship. Someone may be facing violence at the hands of a person who says he or she loves you and you want to end it, but you're afraid of more violence.
If you're hurting, but you don't want to come have someone to pray for you because of the way news media and pop-culture portray how some churches respond to sexual issues, you need to know that everyone on the conference planning team has faced at least one of the issues I named. None of us own the keys to hell and none of us can send anyone there.
We're not here to judge you. If you feel you can't walk forward in front of everyone, there are still people praying for you who love you and care about you. The goal is not for you to have a relationship with this church, but a relationship with God. All other relationships are secondary. We are here for you, no matter what. I hope you will reach out...."
Elle was sullen. She looked very serious and sad. Her conference packet remained unopened as she carried it to her break-out sessions and then to lunch. Seated next to Nita's empty chair with her head lowered, she wasn't praying. Nita saw tears fall from her face. Elle began to sob. She composed herself long enough to slip, quietly, out of the side door, while most in the room still had their eyes closed. Nita followed.
Chapter 17
Elle Opens Up
The hallway was empty, but the shadow of a closing door moved across the floor and darkened the opposite wall. Nita slowly pressed the door open and found Elle sitting in a pew in the middle of a stained glass chapel, weeping openly. She did not hear her come in.
"Elle, what's wrong?" Nita asked.
Elle looked up at Nita and said, "I can't go ask the ministers to pray for me. This hurts to much."
Nita sat down next to her. "What hurts Elle? What's too much that the ministers can't pray for it?"
"If I tell you, please don't tell anybody."
"Of course. I won't say a word." Nita promised.
Elle paused for a moment, then wiped her face with her bare hands.
"Nita, I'm gay, and I am attracted to you. Your secret admirer is not a man; it's me."
Too shocked to speak, Nita just sat, frozen on the pew, staring at Elle as she spoke.
"I've had feelings for you since that first pot-luck at Hannah's. You looked so hurt after your break-up. I just wanted to wrap you in my arms and make everything better", she said between sobs. "So many times, I wanted to be alone with you, to touch your hand, or your face, and tell you how I feel. I could never find the right moment. I didn't know what to do. Every time you looked at me, my heart would jump. I would play it off. I came to this conference just to be close to you." Tears continued to stream down Elle's face. "Could you tell?"
Nita shook her head.
"I've dated men... I used to sleep with men... many men." Elle's tone had a tinge of indignation. "It was easy to play along when we did that speed-dating thing. But, when I think of dating and love, intimacy and sharing the rest of my life with someone, I only want to be with a woman."
"The only time I was confident talking to you was with pen and paper. I saw when you discovered my first letter, then I paid the waiter at the mixer, to give you the second letter. He took a photo of you reading it and sent it to me from his phone."
Elle's eyes were focused on Nita; they seemed to be saying, "Please don't turn away." Nita didn't move.
Elle continued to speak. "I disguised my gender and concealed my sexual orientation in some teal stationery. but I know I can't make you fall in love with me, as much as I want to fall in love with y
ou. I was dishonest and I am so sorry. I've been holding back my feelings, waiting for something that's never gonna happen. Knowing I can't have you has been shredding me. In that session back there, I just couldn't take it anymore."
When Elle stopped talking, the only words Nita could find were, "Does Gina know?"
Elle shook her head. "No, at least, I don't think so. I've kept it hidden from my family as long as I can remember. Lately, it's been too easy. Gina's been really preoccupied." With those words, she laughed ironically.
She took another deep breath. "Just to be sure I haven't made another mistake, I guess I have to ask the question. 'Is there any possibility that you could ever, maybe... be attracted to me?'"
Nita shook her head again. "Elle, I'm not attracted to women."
The last microscopic glimmer of hope fell from Elle's face, "That's what I thought. So, what now?"
Nita composed herself, still in shock after Elle had bared her soul. "What can I do for you right now?" Nita asked.
"I'm done here. Would you tell Gina, I had to leave early?" Elle stood up and adjusted her clothes. She wiped away the remaining moisture on her face with her sleeves, then rolled them up to her elbows. "...and, if possible, would you keep our conversation private."
"Of course." Nita replied.
Elle slipped through the door and found a way to exit the building unseen by conference attendees or church staff.
Chapter 18
Decompression
Nita could only describe her mood over the next few days as mildly depressed. Although she was sure Elle was not angry with her, she felt as though they had a fierce argument. She had begun to feel wonderful about her new friendship with Gina and Elle, but that was compromised by Elle's desire for much more than a friendship, coupled with the fact that she asked Nita not to talk about it with anyone, especially with Gina. She felt like the friends, whom she was adding to her life, were now being subtracted. Regardless of the reason, it still made her feel sad.
"How is it possible for a lesbian to be interested in a woman who is straight? Does that say something about my sexuality?" Nita wondered. "The protesters on TV say that being gay is the way they're born, and that no one can change that, yet, Elle practically invited me into homosexual relationship with her, and I have never been gay and have no plans to be. For a time, she believed it was possible that I might accept her invitation. So, some must think that straight people can become gay, just not the other way around. Isn't that a double-standard? I never see anyone debating that on TV."
Deciding that she could not truly be friends with either of the Baggins cousins, she concluded, "If Elle ever opened her closet door to Gina, and she found out that I knew about Elle being gay before she did, that would complicate things worse than it would for her to learn Elle wanted to date me." Thinking it through, she decided that she might keep Gina as an acquaintance, without being rude, and not let the friendship grow any further.
She wondered why she never heard anyone talk about the very situation she found herself in. At least she, herself, hadn't heard those kinds of conversations. She wanted to be Elle's friend and couldn't imagine anything else. She felt foolish because she didn't understand where Elle was coming from, before she explained herself. Not being able to figure out the answers for herself weighed very heavily on her.
Nita picked up the phone and dialed a number she had written on her conference notebook. The women's group leader answered, "Hello. This is Amy."
"Hi, Amy. My name is Nita. I was at the singles' conference and I missed the prayer during the afternoon session. Would it be possible to make an appointment to meet with you? I have been feeling a bit depressed about something, and I am having trouble sorting it all out."
Chapter 19
Lunch Date
The Bookstore Bistro & Bar had become a popular lunch spot on the edge of the corporate district. Cubicle dwellers filled the restaurant at lunchtime during the weekdays. Nathaniel and Nita planned to meet in the park across the street then go inside for a meal. Each only had an hour for lunch, but it was much more than what they had when they met for less than two minutes, that first night at the speed-dating event.
Nita arrived early and found the prearranged spot. The leaf blowers had just removed the fallen leaves from around the benches and cleared pathways for visitors. Nita found a bench in the shade and sat down, but it wasn't long before her date arrived.
Nathaniel was dressed in a buttoned-down shirt, dark blue tie and beige pull-over sweater. His smooth, shiny, brown, ankle boots were the foundation beneath his perfectly creased slacks. She noticed his man-bag and decided she would ignore it, for now. As he approached Nita, the bright noon sunshine made his dark hair shine. He joined her in the shade and removed his sunglasses.
"Hi, Nita. I am very happy to see you again."
"Hi, Nathaniel. I have been looking forward to our lunch!"
"Well, then... let's go eat."
The two found their way to the Bistro. As they walked, he lagged slightly behind. He reached into his bag and pulled out a long narrow box in such a way that Nita didn't see.
"This is for you!" Nathaniel smiled and held out the box as they neared the door of the restaurant.
Nita turned around and looked at the box. "Oh, thank you!"
Nathaniel opened the door for Nita and the two went inside.
Inside the box, she found a small bouquet of various flowers: a daisy, a violet, an orchid, a carnation, and a rose. She admired the unusual combination as the host greeted them and showed them to their table. She laid it down between their water glasses.
"What inspired this beautiful collection of flowers?" Nita asked, curiously.
Nathaniel studied the bouquet Nita made into a centerpiece, "Oh, well, I just couldn't decide. Since we're just getting to know each other, I couldn't presume to know your favorite flower, so, I chose a few popular flowers, hoping you would like, at least, one of them."
"I love them all!" Nita exclaimed.
They were seated next to a picture window that overlooked the courtyard of the adjoining office building. The landscape was still very green for late autumn. A few lone working people sat at picnic tables or walked around talking on their cell phones. Nathaniel's phone began to ring. He reached in his bag and pulled it out. "I am so sorry, I meant to silence this before I came to meet you." One swipe of his finger and the deed was done. He slipped it back in his bag as whoever was calling got to leave a message after the beep. Nita quickly followed his example with her own phone, before it had a chance to ring.
"What shall we have for lunch today?" Nita picked up her menu and started to read.
"What is your favorite food?" Nathaniel asked.
"Believe it or not, I love salads. But, my favorite meal resembles Thanksgiving Dinner... you know, turkey, stuffing, macaroni and cheese and sweet potato pie. It's a once a year deal, but I love it. How about you?"
"I can't say I am proud to tell you this, but I love stadium fare. Give me a big ole hot dog on a bun with mustard. Throw in a large beer and I'm happy all day long, even if my team doesn't win."
Nita laughed at his funny expression. He seemed so at ease; he wasn't as nervous as before.
The bistro had a reputation for serving guests quickly so they could enjoy their food without feeling rushed. By the time they finished eating, they'd still have enough time to get back to their offices and not be late.
The two talked over soup and salad.
"So, where do you eat your hot dogs and beer?" Nita resumed the conversation.
"I like most sports and usually route for the home team, except when it comes to college games. I used to play basketball for my college team. We made the sweet-sixteen when I was a senior. What sports do you like?"
"I like baseball and soccer, but I rarely go to games."
The pair enjoyed their conversation as they finished their meal. They talked about current events, hobbies, music and fitness. When it was time to go, the sky had
become cloudy and dark.
"Well, Nita, I had a good time with you today. Do you think we can meet again soon, maybe for dinner?"
"Most definitely, Nathaniel. I look forward to it."
Nita couldn't remember feeling this comfortable with a man since she was with Henry. All her memories of time with him became tainted by his behavior that last night. She didn't know if anything momentous would happen between her and Nathaniel, but they seemed to be off to a great start. She was willing to see what might develop.
As they left the restaurant, the dark skies opened and rain began to fall. Nita had not anticipated the change in weather. Nathaniel pulled her beneath the bistro awning and stood between her and the falling drops.
"I'd like to make sure you get back safe and dry." he said as he opened his man-bag and pulled out his phone and an umbrella. He called his office and told them, "I am going to be a few minutes late getting back from lunch. I am helping a friend who's stranded in the rain." As he returned his phone to the bag, Nita smiled with surprise as she looked in and noticed the familiar spine of a particular dating book by Dr. Horkern.
Chapter 20
Help for Hard Questions
The waiting area at the Community Church Counseling Center was almost always empty. Appointments were scheduled so that no more than one person occupied the waiting space at one time, even when the counselors were fully booked. The frosted glass created a confidential environment that prevented passersby from seeing visitors from the outside as they waited to talk about their problems.
The Romantic Misadventures of a Modern Woman Page 5