Of course it’s not what Tommy would want but if he even had a say in the matter, he’d choose to not have me as a sister either. I failed him and it was too painful to bear. No, I won’t cry again, damn it!
I watched the clock tick by with me dreading the time coming, it seemed to pass by in the blink of an eye and before I knew it, there was another knock at the door.
Slipping on my black pumps, I took a deep breath before opening it. I stared past Miss Debbie, not even acknowledging her standing in front of me. This was actually happening. I took a deep breath and stumbled in my pumps. I steadied myself on the doorframe and took a few steps down the drive.
I was well aware neighbors were watching and I could hear whispers and sniffles making me even more determined not to cry. I knew what they whispered, they all blamed me too.
I reached the car and took a look back at the house, that house wasn’t home anymore.
I was silent all the way to the funeral home and I gasped at the number of flowers outside, a few people were milling about but it was good to see so many had respected my wishes. I didn’t want people involved in such a personal moment but I couldn’t stop them from coming inside.
I stepped out of the car and Tommy’s teacher put her hand on my arm as I passed her before I walked into the building. I didn’t look up at her because I knew there would be judgment in her eyes. I waited until she let go and walked on inside to sit in the front row.
I heard people filing in and closed my eyes, it would all be over soon. My eyes flitted open as a hand clasped mine and pulled me into an embrace.
“Please don’t,” I managed to squeak out. Miss Debbie let go with tears in her eyes.
“You’re such a strong girl, honey, you always have been, but lean on me, today is your time to say goodbye.” Then everybody started standing up.
My head whipped around to the entrance as gentle music started to play. The owners of the home were carrying his coffin in. I took a long look at it as it passed me and grabbed onto the side of the seat as my world came crashing down. This was real.
Everything started to go in slow motion.
My sweet little brother was in there, at least his body was.
Where was my mom? She needed to be here.
I grabbed onto Miss Debbie’s hand and released a choked cry. I couldn’t tell you what happened from there, I just remember the desperate feeling inside of me and the haunting melody of Eric Clapton; Tears in Heaven, as the curtain closed on the coffin.
That was it.
Apart from collecting his ashes tomorrow, it was done. He was gone for good.
I sat there for what felt like hours, but it must’ve only been minutes, before I was tapped on the shoulder. I was being ushered to walk out in front of everybody, be in direct line of their judgmental stares.
I stood frozen to the spot as I took in all of the pity on everyone’s faces, I even heard a whispered comment about our mom not being here. I couldn’t take it anymore, I whipped off my shoes and ran out of the doors, heading towards home.
Although, I couldn’t call it home anymore, we needed to move. This house was tainted with too many memories. Even if they were good memories, it was all too much to be living in the same place; constantly being reminded of Tommy.
I reached the front porch and opened the door with shaking hands, my feet made a thud as I made my way across the hallway to my bedroom. I needed to get out of these clothes.
Ten minutes later, as I sat staring at a blank space on my wall, there was a crash in the direction of Tommy’s vacant room.
I pushed up off the floor and ran towards the commotion. “What are you doing?” I asked, staring at her with wide eyes.
My mom had made it home and seemed to be trashing Tommy’s bedroom. She didn’t even acknowledge me so I grabbed at her arm as she tore through one of his superhero comics.
“Stop it! What are you doing to Tommy’s things?” She spun around and threw what was left of the comic onto the floor.
“They’re not anybody’s things, you idiot. Tommy is dead, nobody owns them now but me.”
Her breath smelt of putrid alcohol and cigarettes that made me want to throw up. A fiery rage started from the pit of my stomach. “Don’t you dare! Get off that!” I tried to push her out of the room as she flipped his mattress over.
“You! You don’t get to tell me what to do. This is my house, so all of this…” She waved her arms around the room. “Is mine to do with as I please.” She stumbled back a step, smirking.
“You’re unbelievable!” She snickered at me. “You didn’t come.” I looked into her bloodshot eyes. “You didn’t even come to his funeral. How could you not come to say goodbye? How could you leave me like that, to deal with it all on my own?”
I dug my nails into my palms to stop myself from crying, I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.
“Say goodbye? Girl, you’re delusional if you think for one moment that your brother was there. All you did today was burn a body, I can say goodbye anywhere, anytime.”
Why couldn’t she just be a mom for once? Just for one damn day. I ignored her and started picking up the mess she’d made.
“We could donate it all to a charity shop,” I said trying to change the subject and distract myself.
I flinched as she kicked his bookshelf over before muttering to herself. “The fuck do I care.”
Then she was gone, out the bedroom towards the front door, leaving me to pick up the pieces, yet again.
Getting back on the road after I’d helped wash up after dinner felt bittersweet. I was going back to normality, although, I wasn’t sure what that was anymore. At least I had the business to keep me busy, which reminded me, I needed to give Mac a call when I arrived home to let him know I’d be back in work tomorrow morning.
My mom tried to convince me to stay for the night but I couldn’t bear to talk about my situation any more than I already had. It was just over three hour’s drive; I’d be back in no time.
As I drove, I started making a list in my head of all the things I had to do before tomorrow; call Mac and get the schedule for tomorrow so I could slot myself in somewhere. I also couldn’t forget to set a- Holy shit! I swerved as a deer ran out into the road.
Slamming on my breaks, I regained control of my truck and blew out a breath. Damn deer! It’d shot my nerves so I slowed down my speed and carried on at a more leisurely pace.
Ten minutes from my apartment, I picked up a few essentials from the corner store before I had to get in the city traffic. Even at this time of night, it was a nightmare to get anywhere but luckily I lived on the outskirts and I’d only get caught in a mild rush of people trying to get to their destinations.
Pulling up to my apartment building, I noticed I didn’t have that feeling of ‘coming home’, it was just somewhere I slept, ate and occasionally had friends around. I didn’t feel an attachment to it whatsoever.
I rubbed at my tired eyes before pulling my duffle bag out the truck behind me as I got out.
I chose the stairs over the elevator when I made my way inside, my logic was sound; the more tired I was, the easier it would be to fall asleep and not be left with a million thoughts swirling through my mind. Entering my apartment, I headed straight for a shower before calling Mac.
He answered on the first ring, to my surprise.
“Dude, where’ve you been?” I knew I should’ve kept in contact more but so much had happened back in Little Hollow that I’d forgot.
“Hey, Mac, I know I’ve not been the best at keeping in touch but I knew you’d have everything under control here. I was just calling to let you know I’m back home and I’ll be in tomorrow morning.”
He fake huffed.
“Great, just as we were starting to have fun without you.” Sarcasm dripped from his side of the phone.
“Yeah, well the fun’s over now, I’m back.”
He chuckled. “Looking forward to seeing you actually, work just isn’t the same withou
t you. Everyone else is boring.”
What he meant was that nobody else laughed at his jokes.
“They’re not that bad, Mac. Anyway, fill me in on the school refurb. How’s it going?” He was silent for a moment.
“Yeah, everything’s running smoothly over there. Are you coming out on a job tomorrow or catching up in the office?”
I thought about that for a moment. I could do with catching up on some paperwork but I also needed to take my mind off of Sammy. “I’ll join you at the school, I need to get my hands dirty.”
He snorted. “You not do enough of that this weekend?”
Trust Mac to come out with something like that. “I told you, I went to see my mom.”
“Yeah and I’m a virgin,” he scoffed.
“Ever the gentleman, Mac. Listen, send me a quick email to let me know where everyone is tomorrow and I’ll make a schedule up.”
He agreed and we said goodbye and hung up as I rubbed a palm over my face. What a week it had been.
I grabbed myself a bottle of water before sitting in front of my computer. I’d had the intention of filling out tomorrow’s schedule but instead, I found myself searching Sammy’s name.
I just wanted to see her face but it turned out to be a big mistake. Apart from an article on her and Keeley’s opening day in the salon after they had refurbished it, every search came up with news clippings and articles on Tommy’s death.
I just couldn’t escape it.
I exited the web browser and opened up my email. Ignoring all of the others in my inbox, I clicked on the one from Mac and made a quick, thrown together schedule so I had something to pin to the noticeboard tomorrow.
I hit print before shutting down the computer, walking away with the all too familiar feeling of guilt brewing.
The memory of Tommy’s death tainted all the happy memories I had with him. There were so many and it pained me to think of him in any other way than the happy little boy he once was. Every time those memories cropped up, the horrifying image of his lifeless face was there with them.
It was the last thing I saw before I eventually fell asleep that night.
I woke up with a new feeling of purpose. Last night, I had tossed and turned thinking it wasn’t too late to just turn around and go home.
But I didn’t want to, I’d come this far already. I needed to do this for me, I rarely did anything for myself anymore. If this was what I really wanted then I had to go through with it.
No matter what happened on the other side, at least I could say I tried.
I started the six-hour journey with apprehension, it wasn’t driving through a big city that had me apprehensive because that didn’t faze me at all, I wasn’t a nervous driver it was what I was about to walk into that had my nerves shot.
I could try and pretend like I didn’t care if Connor rejected me, I could try and pretend I wasn’t scared about what would happen if he didn’t. But who was I kidding? Either scenario petrified me.
The closer I got to my destination, the more anxious I got. I couldn’t help but go over each scenario in my head, trying to come up with some sort of script as to what I would say to him. After several attempts, it dawned on me that this wasn’t one of those situations you could plan for. This had to come from the heart, I needed him and I had to let him know.
I just hoped he felt the same way.
I’d made it into the city and to say it was crazy was an understatement. I’d taken a wrong turn and instead of driving to the outskirts, which I didn’t realize his place was in, I went right into the center.
I’d never experienced road rage before until now. A guy swerved into my lane and I bumped my fist angrily down on my horn. “Idiot!”
The weather was sweltering and I put on my air con. Great, just what I needed; to arrive a sweaty mess.
I pulled my hair up in a messy bun and fanned my neck as I waited in the long line of traffic. This heat was humid, it was hugely different to the dry heat of Little Hollow and I just wasn’t used to it. It didn’t help that my car was black and my air con was on its way out either.
I’d have to drive right on through the city just to turn around again, this was a cruel joke. I finally made it to a point I could turn back around on myself at and was now going in the right direction, I vigilantly watched out for the turn off.
By this point, I had sweat dripping down my neck and my heart was beating rapidly. I spent the next ten minutes looking for what I thought was a house but I should have known that it was an apartment block by the number ‘414b’ that Lewis had text me.
I parked up outside and sat with my hands on the steering wheel. Did I really think I could just waltz back into his life like this? Before I could change my mind, I smoothed my hair down as much as I could and started for the apartment doors.
I took a steadying breath trying to blow out all my anxiety before pressing down on his buzzer. I waited for thirty agonizing seconds, no answer, so I pressed it again. Still no answer. I looked down at my watch, it was a quarter to three in the afternoon. Of course he wasn’t here, he’d be at work.
Not knowing what to do now, I just stood staring at the doors. I had no idea what time he’d be home, if he would even come home tonight, but I had no other choice but to wait. I’d been stuck in my car for the past six and a half hours, there was no way I was sitting back in that heat trap, so I leant up against the apartment block and closed my eyes against the beating sun.
I don’t know how much longer I can stand this heat, I thought to myself after only ten minutes. I opened my eyes and a petite woman in yoga pants came jogging down the sidewalk, she stopped at the apartment doors. Looking me up and down, she gave me a tentative smile. “You live here too?” She had a warm British accent and I instantly liked her.
But I also needed to get out this heat so I lied.
“Yeah, but I left my keys. I’m just waiting for my boyfriend to bring me his spare one.” That just rolled off the tongue so easily, I’d never lied in my life. She gave me another once over before opening the door with her key.
“It happens. I’ll let you in the building until your boyfriend gets here with your key, it’s boiling hot out here.” She gave me a wink and I thanked her.
Should I just wait here or go up to his apartment? The woman turned around just before walking up the stairs.
“Hey, if he’s going to be a while… I was going to whip up a smoothie? I haven’t been here long and I literally don’t know anyone, it’d be nice to have a friend.” She had a hopeful look on her face and I hated to let her down but I had no idea of knowing when Connor would be back.
“That sounds so good but my boyfriend will be here at any moment, he only lives three blocks away. Thank you though.” She smiled.
“Well, if you ever fancy one, or a glass of something else, I’m in 323c. Oh, I’m Billie by the way.” She jogged back and shook my hand.
“Sam, nice to meet you and thanks again for letting me back in.” She waved her hand at me and made her way up the stairs. After her footsteps receded, I decided to head up to Connors floor after all. It was cool enough in here so I had a leisurely climb up the stairs over taking the elevator, they always creeped me out.
The apartment building had four floors and on each floor, there were three different corridors. Each apartment was named after the floor it was on and the corresponding corridor. Easy enough.
I climbed to the fourth floor, found corridor B and sure enough, apartment 14 was in front of me after walking a little way down.
Staring at the door, I decided to try knocking. He might’ve been in the shower or something when I buzzed earlier. My heart was pounding again as I knocked a few times but my suspicions were unfounded.
It was agonizing. Four o’clock passed, then five. I thought I’d lose my mind from waiting. By ten to six, I’d almost given up when the elevator door pinged open. I jumped up off the floor and casually leaned against the wall.
Out walked a very tall man with
a huge beard and he was laughing, I sighed. I looked away from him as his eyes flicked to me then to the apartment door I was standing outside of. His mouth lifted in one corner and he came strolling over to me.
“Well, hi there. Are you waiting for someone?” I went to open my mouth; Lewis had obviously given me the wrong address. Just as I went to walk away, I heard what sounded like elephant footsteps coming up the stairs.
“Mac, you ass, you could’ve held the door! I carried this thing all the way up…” Connor looked between the both of us standing in the corridor, gaping like a fish.
“Well, it’s definitely not me you’re waiting for so I’ll be taking these and having a good time on my own.” The bearded guy, Mac, made his way over to Connor and took the crate of beer out of his hands before waving at me and disappearing down the stairs.
“Sammy? What are you doing here?” It was a perfectly acceptable question but I couldn’t help but detect an underlying tone of annoyance, which put me on the defensive.
“I’ve only drove for eleven-hours. But I’ll be leaving, sorry to have disturbed your night with your man friend.” I stormed off towards the staircase but he grabbed my arm before I made it to the top.
“That’s not what I meant. I’m just surprised to see you here of all places, that’s all.” I turned back towards him and studied his face. He walked towards his door and opened it. “Well, are you going to come inside or just stand there?” He smirked and I followed him into his surprisingly clean apartment.
It had a modern feel to it. A clean, crisp white open plan kitchen lead out to the living room area, with a hallway leading off from there. It felt sterile, not at all like Connor.
“Didn’t see you as a sleek, white cupboard kind of guy.” He laughed softly as I continued to look around the living area.
One Moment (The Little Hollow Series Book 1) Page 18