by David Garnet
“Because of your past. Because I wasn’t the first man you ever… er… ever…”
“My past! You’ve got far more past than I have, or so you say. Three hundred years of it!”
“Yeah, but I was flat on my back most of the time.”
So was I, thought Kiru, but she kept the thought to herself. In Wayne’s original time, it seemed, when a couple had sex it meant mating for life. How primitive.
But that was one of the things she liked about him, how he was so innocent yet also so savage. And he had a great body. As for his mind, what went on inside his head? What made him think she’d ever want to marry him?
In time, maybe, but it was far too early to make a decision.
How long had they been together? An hour on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf? Two on Hideaway? Three on the spaceship?
Probably the best few hours of her life.
“Get up, Wayne,” she said, pulling at his arm.
“Not until you give me an answer,” he said.
“I can’t be rushed into such an important decision, but I promise you one thing: If I’m going to marry anyone, Wayne, it will be you.”
“Great!” Wayne stood up and kissed her cheek. “So we can consider ourselves engaged?”
“What’s that?”
“It means we won’t date anyone else.”
“What’s that?”
Wayne shook his head. “Give me a smile, Kiru. You’re a supernova lighting up my whole universe.”
“Wayne, you don’t have to lie to me. I can always tell when someone’s lying.”
“How?”
“Because they open their mouths. My whole life has been shaped by lies. I don’t want your eternal love and devotion, Wayne. Just be honest and true with me.”
“If everyone was honest and true, the whole galaxy would fall apart.”
Kiru and Wayne both turned their heads, glancing over the side of the skimmer, toward the voice.
Without either of them realising, the airboat had piloted itself back to the land and had settled down on the shoreline. The Caphafers spent most of their lives in the sea, and the hundreds of small islands that dotted the globe were usually barren and rocky.
This was the island where Eliot Ness had established his headquarters, where the first development was taking place. The new buildings were like giant sandcastles, spiralling upward, every successive level becoming narrower as it became taller. They were growing at an amazing rate. The sea-bed was dredged up to provide the raw, red material for this vertical development and also for horizontal expansion. The island was speading, its natural shape sculpted and redesigned by the addition of piers and marinas, lagoons and swimming pools, criss-crossed by bridges and aqueducts.
Kiru stared at the person who had spoken. She thought she knew all the humans on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf. This must have been a newcomer, although she seemed familiar. She was standing near the edge of the water, wearing an outfit similar to the one Eliot Ness always wore.
“Diana!” said Wayne.
“Get dressed, Sergeant,” said the woman.
“How can I?” said Wayne. “You’re wearing my suit.”
“You know her?” said Kiru, who began pulling on her clothes.
“Yeah,” said Wayne. “This is Major Diana Travis, Colonel Travis’s daughter. Diana, this is Kiru.”
“I know,” said Diana.
“You!” said Kiru, suddenly recognising the woman. Her hair was covered by a hat, her features half in shadow, but Kiru would never forget her face. “You’re dead!” she yelled, and reached down for the gun.
“No!” said Wayne, putting his foot on the weapon.
Kiru elbowed him in the stomach. He grunted in pain and doubled up. She grabbed for the gun, but Wayne’s foot was still pinning it down, and now he also held it with one hand. Kiru turned and rushed toward the edge of the skimmer. Before she could leap off, Wayne seized her.
“What’s going on?” he said.
“Let me go!” Kiru demanded, trying to shake him off. “Let me kill her!”
But Wayne held her even tighter, his arms encircling her elbows and waist, and Kiru could do nothing except glare at the woman responsible for her ending up on Arazon.
Back on Earth, cold and hungry, Kiru had used her talent to open a door. It turned out to be the door of a police base. If a male officer had been inside, there would have been little problem; an arrangement could have been made. Instead, there was a female. This female. Who had arrested her. And Kiru had been exiled to Clink.
“Relax,” said Diana. “Be calm. Think. You hate me. You think you hate me. Because you got a rough deal and were deported to Arazon. But if you hadn’t gone there, you’d never have reached Hideaway, never have met… him.”
Kiru glanced over her shoulder at Wayne.
“You think he was worth any of that?” she said.
“What man’s worth anything?” said Diana.
“I’m worth it,” said Wayne. “Aren’t I?”
Kiru and Diana both looked at him, then looked at each other. They both shrugged.
“What are you doing here?” asked Wayne. “Where’s Colonel Travis?”
“I am Colonel Travis,” said Diana.
“Promoted, huh? Okay, but where’s the other Colonel Travis? You know, your father?”
“That’s me,” said Diana. “I’m him.”
“Where’s Eliot Ness?” asked Kiru.
“That’s me,” said Diana, again. “I’m Eliot Ness.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
It wasn’t raining.
That was the third thing Wayne Norton had noticed on reaching the island.
The first was Diana.
The second was what she was wearing: his suit, the one he’d designed and ordered on Hideaway from Xenbashka Bashka Ka, alias Princess Janesmith of Algol.
Norton had to make do with what looked like a sleeveless undershirt and a pair of long-johns. Short long-johns, which only reached his knees. Red, of course. The only alternative seemed to be a bikini, which was the standard uniform for the Caphafer construction workers who were transforming their own world.
It wasn’t really a bikini. The upper half was more like a scarf, the same width all around, while the lower half resembled a pair of shorts. Norton wasn’t sure what purpose the top served because all the Caphafers were flat-chested; as for the second part, he was prepared to accept Kiru’s word.
These garments provided almost the only variation in colour on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf. Everything else was some shade of red, even Kiru’s skintight outfit. Apart from Diana’s gangster suit.
Or Colonel Travis’s gangster suit.
Or Eliot Ness’s gangster suit.
One thing was certain: It wasn’t Wayne Norton’s gangster suit.
Diana had said she’d arrived on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf with Kiru. Kiru had said she hadn’t, that she herself had arrived in an escape pod with Eliot Ness. Diana had claimed she was Eliot Ness. Kiru’s description of the person named Ness matched that of the man who’d told Norton his name was Colonel Travis. Eliot Ness and Colonel Travis were one and the same, Norton could accept that, but Diana also claimed she was Colonel Travis.
“But you’re father and daughter,” said Norton.
“Exactly,” said Diana. “I’m both father and daughter. There’s male and female in all of us.”
“Not in me,” said Norton. “Not in my time.”
“Eliot Ness is older than you,” said Kiru, who was sitting with arms folded, staring at Diana, trying to kill her with her eyes.
They were at a three-sided table in a plaza at the centre of the island. Norton realised this was the first time he’d been on solid ground since leaving Earth, the first time he could see further than the wall of a spaceship or satellite or lifeboat. All around them loomed red conical towers. None of them had windows, Norton noticed.
“We’re the same age,” said Diana. “I’m the same age. I’ve had a rejuve. In my role as a senior male authori
ty figure, it’s better to look older, more distinguished. As a female, it’s always better to be young and attractive.” She studied Kiru for a few seconds, then took off her hat.
For a moment, Norton thought he could hear faint music. He glanced at Diana’s hat before looking around as she shook her hair free. The style was different again. Her hair was long, jet black, in a single plait.
“You can’t be Travis,” said Norton. “I was with him when I first met you. You were both there at the same time.”
“What’s the point of being two people if you can’t both be in the same place at the same time?” said Diana.
“But you aren’t two people,” said Norton. “You’re one.”
Diana shrugged. “Who’s counting?”
She’d claimed that, in her male guise, she had reached Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf in the same escape capsule as Kiru. But Norton remained silent about his own travelling companion. He didn’t want to mention Grawl because it would scare Kiru if she knew; and as Diana hadn’t referred to another survivor, which she surely would have done if Grawl had been found, it seemed safe to assume he had drowned. Norton had to admit he wasn’t sorry.
“What was my secret mission?” he asked. “Why was I sent to Hideaway?”
“You were there as me,” said Diana.
“But you were there.”
“I was there as Diana. You were there as Travis. That was why you were attacked on the ship: They wanted to stop Travis getting to Hideaway. Understand?”
“Er… yeah.”
“You were using him as a decoy,” said Kiru, “just like you used the pirate attack on Hideaway as a diversion.”
Diana looked at her. “Who told you that?”
“I worked it out.”
“I haven’t worked it out,” said Norton. “Will someone tell me?”
“When the escaped convicts from Arazon invaded Hideaway,” Diana told him, “it was to divert attention from Eliot Ness’s more subtle assault on the asteroid.”
“You mean your assault?” said Norton.
“Depends which way you look at it.”
Norton preferred to look the other way, and he glanced around the plaza. Construction work was so rapid, he was sure the nearest buildings had grown since he’d last looked.
“What were you doing while the pirates attacked Hideaway?” asked Kiru.
“Every guest there is guaranteed absolute anonymity and complete confidentiality,” said Diana, “although naturally all their details are recorded. During the raid, I was copying the data on Hideaway’s biggest-spending clients.”
“So you could invite them here?” said Norton. “Never-to-be-repeated opening offers for pre-selected lucky customers.”
“Who told you that?” said Diana.
“I worked it out,” he said. “A mailing list? This was all about getting hold of a mailing list? I hope it was worth it.”
Diana didn’t answer. “Shall we order?” she suggested. “Or shall I do it for you?”
“Yes,” said Norton.
“No,” said Kiru.
The were sitting at the only table in the only restaurant on the planet.
“I recommend the fish,” said Diana, and she smiled.
“I hate fish,” said Norton.
“Too bad,” said Kiru. “That’s all there is. Seaweed and fish.” She also smiled.
The table was a proper table, with legs. The chairs also had legs. There was an open umbrella above the table, which must have been essential on Caphmiaultrelvossmuaf. It wasn’t raining, however. In fact, not a single drop had fallen on the island in the short while since Norton had reached land.
The sky above was thick with pink and orange clouds. There must have been a huge invisible umbrella in the sky, so that construction work wasn’t halted by the incessant rain.
But nothing seemed to halt the building. Norton had glimpsed a number of off-worlders, humans and various aliens, who must have been supervising the island’s transformation. There were gangs of Caphafers all looking very busy, although they didn’t seem to play any actual part in the construction process. Nor were there any girders, cranes, concrete mixers, prefabricated slabs. Everything was very quiet. It was almost as if the towers built themselves, silently spiralling ever upward.
When Norton first met Diana, he’d thought she was a waitress. Here, the waitress was a mermaid. He was a long way from home, and he was getting used to it. Being served by a red amphibian with webbed hands and feet, wearing a blue bikini, seemed relatively normal.
The first Caphafer Norton had seen was wearing a yellow bikini. Those who were watching the buildings go up were in green, while the restaurant staff were clad in blue.
Why bikinis? There was something very familiar about this, but Norton wasn’t sure what it was.
“The natives eat the fish raw, complete with the heads, fins, scales, guts,” said Diana. “You can have yours cooked any way you want, Wayne.” She paused. “Should I call you ‘Wayne,’ or would you prefer ‘Sergeant’?”
“I wasn’t a sergeant. Call me Wayne, it’s my real name. Is yours ‘Diana?’ ”
“Of course not.”
“Or Travis?”
“No.”
“Eliot Ness?” said Kiru.
“No,” said Norton. “The real Eliot Ness was a gang-buster, not a gangster. Is that why you’re wearing my suit?”
“Your suit?” said Diana, frowning.
“Yeah. I ordered two of those on Hideaway, from that shop run by the Algolan princess. Is the other in the violin case?” He gestured to the case by Diana’s feet. “I designed that as well as the suit.”
“Did you?” said Diana, reaching down for the case and putting it on the table. She opened the lid to reveal a data-set and comscreen. The inside of the lid was mirrored. Diana leaned close and inspected her face. The case also contained a bag of makeup, and she brushed her eyebrows. “It’s ideal.”
“Can we get some food?” said Kiru.
This was to be the first meal for the first guests in the new restaurant, a trial run. Probably the only kind of trial Diana would ever have to face, thought Norton. “On the house, naturally,” she’d said. It had to be. He didn’t have any money, and he guessed that neither did Kiru.
“I’ll order the wine,” said Diana. “Red?”
“White,” said Norton. That was the only thing he knew about wine: red with meat, white with fish.
Diana summoned the mermaid. Although the Caphafer was wearing a bikini, Norton knew that didn’t mean it was female. Not that he cared anything about the sex of an alien, of course. What bothered him was Diana’s gender. She’d kissed him. They’d shared the same bed. Nothing had happened, and now he was very grateful.
“I arrived on Hideaway as a woman,” said Diana, looking at Norton. “I left as a man,” she added, looking at Kiru. “In between, I needed a change of clothes. I found this wonderful emporium run by a fugitive princess, and she had exactly what I needed.” She ran her fingers over her jacket lapels. “And it looks good on me now, don’t you think?”
“Perfect,” said Norton. “You’re a gangster, so you should wear a gangster suit.”
“Are you trying to tell me something, Wayne?”
“Yeah. You’re mixed up with the space pirates, which means—”
Diana held up her hand to interrupt him. “Space pirates,” she said, “that’s such an outdated term. These are businessmen, galactic entrepreneurs.”
“They’re criminals,” said Norton, “and you’re a criminal. I thought you and Travis… er… both of you, either of you, I thought you were a police officer. You told me I was working for GalactiCop. Instead, you used me as a cover for criminal purposes. You’ve made me into a gangster.”
“Is that why you wanted the suit?”
“No!”
“What’s the matter, Wayne?” said Kiru. “Everyone knows that cops are criminals.”
“Why did you check into Hideaway under the name ‘Robin Hood?’ ”
asked Diana. “A hood who robs people. Did criminals once wear hoods, is that where the name comes from?”
“No. It’s short for ‘hoodlum.’ Robin Hood was…” Norton shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is, you lied to me.”
Diana laughed. Kiru laughed. After a few seconds, Norton also laughed. He shrugged. What did it matter now? What did anything matter?
The alien in the blue bikini brought out a tray with a decanter of wine and three glasses, started to pour the wine, but spilled most of it. Diana took over instead.
“New to the job,” she explained, as she filled the glasses. “Cheers.” It was a toast Norton had taught her when they were spacebus stewards. She clinked her glass against his.
“Here’s to crime,” he said.
Diana looked at Kiru. Kiru brought her glass against Diana’s, perhaps too hard, as if maybe trying to break it. Nothing broke.
“In your century, Wayne,” said Diana, “there wasn’t much co-operation between the police and criminals. Because there was so little communication, it meant conflict and an inefficient use of resources. It’s much better for everyone if the two sides can work together.”
“Organised crime, you mean?” said Norton.
“Exactly!” Diana clinked her glass against his again. “We had to merge, amalgamate. And now that Earth is pulling out of the Crash, we have to think galactically, not just globally. We’re competing against the universe.”
Kiru was watching her. “You talked about being in two places at once,” she said. “Does that include Arazon? Did I first meet you there? Were you the pirate boss who led the decoy attack on Hideaway?”
“No.”
“Who was he? Where is he now?”
“No idea.”
“You must know something,” said Kiru. “Your arrival on Hideaway and the timing of the pirate raid were coordinated.”
“Not my area of responsibility,” said Diana. She sipped at her drink. “What do you think of the wine?”
“A bit salty,” said Norton.
“Yes, we’ll have to do something about that. It’s made from kelp.”
Norton pulled a face, then remembered the origins of the water he’d had to drink on board the escape pod. He much preferred something made from wholesome seaweed.