by Sharon Green
The woman's dark eyes searched Rianne's face, but whatever she sought was apparently not there. She shook her head with a sigh, then got to her feet.
"I can see there's no sense in saying any more," she conceded. "I'm sure Bryan won't agree, but you two will have to work that out between you. Do you want me to send your maid back in?"
"No," Rianne answered. "I'm tired and I'd like to rest for a while. When I want her, I'll ring."
The woman nodded, almost hesitated, then shook her head again and made for the door. When she was gone Rianne sat thinking for a moment, then got up, her decision made. Machlin thought he could salve his conscience by burying her somewhere in the country, but it wasn't going to happen. If she was going to be ignored and forgotten about, it would be because she wasn't anywhere in reach. She'd be off living her own life, just as she always had.
She ignored silent echoes of alone … alone … alone as she went toward the chest where she'd put her breeches and shirt and boots. She'd used her wound as an excuse to keep to her rooms, deciding that if Machlin had anything to say he would have to come to her. But he hadn't come, not even to find out if she were alive or dead, not even to tell her it was time to get out. If Sarah Raymond was right and he decided to argue her decision, he'd find no one here to argue with. She couldn't bear the thought of seeing him again, when that would be the very last time…
As she opened the chest, the small twinge in her left arm came more from lack of use than the wound itself. Her possessions were all there inside, untouched by Meg or anyone else. She kept her private things in here, and no one had tried to invade that privacy. In a strange way she'd been happy in this house, almost as happy as during her early childhood. If only things had continued the way they'd started, if only he could have loved her back…
Rianne closed her eyes for a moment, then quickly began to dress. Wishing for "if onlys" was the biggest waste of time in the world. They never came true, not ever, and if she hadn't learned that by now she never would. But she had learned it, and from now on would make her own wishes come true.
Once into her clothes, she remembered she was already packed. Everything she meant to take was in a single dark-blue sack, but when she pulled the sack out she found something unremembered beneath it. The matched set of pistols she'd bought, intending to give them to Machlin. Since she no longer had her sword or any other, should she take the pistols instead?
She carried everything to a table, thought about it for a moment, then shook her head as though someone were there to argue with. If she took the pistols, they would be a constant reminder of the man who hadn't returned her love. She'd rather be weaponless than hurt herself so, rather die than save her life with one of them. It was painful just to look at the box…
Abruptly she turned away, chose a dark cloak that would hopefully be inconspicuous, and then was ready to go. But before picking up the sack, she did one last thing. She put the jewelry he'd given her on the table beside the pistols, and left her wedding band on top of the black-and-silver box. This time there was no chance of her coming back, and she didn't even want to. Maybe the first time, wanting it without knowing she did, but not now … not again … not ever…
Her sight was blurred as she slipped out of the room, but that didn't stop her from making sure she wasn't seen.
Sarah Raymond headed back to Bryan's study with determination. The interview with Rianne had gone even worse than she'd expected, and she felt like kicking herself for letting Bryan talk her into going. That girl's self-control was incredible, but this time the feeling of deep pain from Rianne had been so strong that Sarah had almost become sick again. Like that day when she'd told them about what had been done to her as a child…
Sarah ground her teeth together to regain some of her own self-control. There was more wrong than any of them knew, and this time she would insist that Bryan get to the bottom of it. If necessary she would throw a carefully calculated tantrum, which would certainly be blamed on her pregnancy. Men were so vulnerable to pressure plays like that…
She crossed the front hall, went to the study and threw open the door - and found the room completely deserted. Both Bryan and Jamie had disappeared, and when she called Harris she discovered that Cam had gone with them. The men had been called away briefly on some matter that had to do with business, and had left word that they would return soon.
Soon to her meant just a few minutes, but at least two hours and a full pot of tea went by before she heard voices in the hall. Sarah went immediately to see if it was them, and it certainly was - along with Jeff Banyon. Jamie and Jeff looked absolutely delighted, and even Bryan seemed distantly pleased.
"Sarah, love, come and hear the good news," Jamie called, putting out a hand toward her. "Everyone was so impressed with Jeff's efficiency these last two weeks, our services are now being demanded by five of the men who had been Haynes's victims. Of course, it did help that it was Bryan who figured out what Haynes was doing, but I'm sure it was Jeff who convinced them we were best for the job. We spent the last hour or so quoting fees and signing contracts."
"I'm glad to hear we won't be starving for a while," Sarah responded, unable to share his mood. "I'm also glad to hear that Bryan is so clever. Maybe that will help him with his private problem."
"What do you mean?" Bryan asked at once, those gray eyes anxious. "What happened when you went to see her?"
"She rejected your offer almost before I got the words out," Sarah told him bluntly. "She said she had her own plans, and would be out of here within two days. She also said you can keep whatever you have, she doesn't want any of it."
"But she can't just take off on her own!" Bryan protested, sounding like a hurt little boy. "Anything could happen, and no one would be there to protect her! Sarah, you've got to go back and make her understand - "
"No, Bryan, not me," Sarah interrupted sharply. "You're the one who has to talk to her. And while you're doing it, you might try to find out why she's still in so much pain. If everything is as simple and straightforward as you claim, why did I get the feeling she was dreading leaving rather than looking forward to it? You can't - "
"She's gone!" a voice suddenly shouted, and they all looked up to see the boy Cam at the head of the stairs. "Mr. Machlin, Ree's rooms are empty! I looked all through them, but she isn't anywhere around!"
A sudden stampede sent Bryan, Jamie, and Jeff flying up the stairs, leaving Sarah to follow at her own best speed. The boy must have gone back to Rianne as soon as he'd brought his employers home, to explain his delay in returning if nothing else. When Sarah reached the sitting room, the men had already checked the smaller rooms attached to it, which meant she was right behind them when they entered the bedchamber.
"See?" Cam said as he pointed to the floor. "Those are the bed things she was wearing. Do you think she just felt well enough to go out for a walk? She was so pale from being indoors for so long…"
Cam's voice trailed off when he realized Bryan was no longer hearing him. Sarah saw that the big man stared at a table, and when she followed his gaze she moaned and clutched at Jamie's hand.
"What is it?" Jamie asked quickly in concern. "Sarah, love, what's wrong?"
"That's Rianne's wedding ring sitting on that box," she whispered, tears in her eyes. "Oh, Jamie, she's gone, and she won't be coming back."
Somehow, Jamie's arm around her brought less comfort than it usually did. Bryan looked as though he'd been run through with a sword, and simply hadn't gotten around to falling down. Cam had gone pale and silent, and that left only one person to say something.
"What are they doing here?" Jeff asked, as though everyone would understand what he meant. "I expected her to give them weeks ago."
"Jeff, what are you talking about?" Jamie asked in turn. "Who are 'they,' and what have they got to do with anything?"
"'They' aren't who, they're what," Jeff answered unhelpfully as he moved forward. "In that black case. Those are the pistols Mrs. Machlin bought for Bryan,
but I thought she would have already given them to him. I wondered if she'd decided to save them for a special occasion."
"What in hell are you talking about?" Bryan himself demanded, more out of control than Sarah had ever seen him. "She didn't buy anything for me. Why would she, when she can't even stand the sight of me? If there were pistols in that box, you can bet she's taken them with her."
Rather than answering in words, Jeff walked to the table and carefully moved the desolately abandoned ring before opening the box. By then they were all there, and able to look down at the beautiful brace of pistols. Once again Bryan looked stunned, but he also shook his head.
"That can't be right," he said, his head going back and forth in slow denial. "She must have bought them for herself, and left them only because she doesn't know how to use them."
"Of course she can use a pistol," Cam put in from his place at the fringes of their group. "She gave Angus the silver to buy one, and we'd sneak off regularly to practice shooting. She's a dead shot, Mr. Machlin, better even than with a bow."
"And I happen to know she did buy them for you," Jeff said, those pale-blue eyes refusing to back down from the disbelief in gray ones. "I was close enough to hear her speaking to herself as she examined them, and what she said was, 'Machlin would love these.' They were the first thing she bought that day, and the only thing that really gave her pleasure."
"But - why would she buy me a gift?" Bryan asked, so bewildered that Sarah's heart hurt for him. "And with money she considered hers? That doesn't make any sense at all. She's never even spoken my first name."
"That's not hard to understand," Sarah felt compelled to counter. "You two have done nothing but circle each other warily ever since your original intentions were revealed. How much effort did you make to get to know one another, and I mean in words?"
"There wasn't really time for conversation," Bryan admitted with a frown. "We were so involved with finding Haynes, and any time we did talk we ended up arguing instead. She knew I wanted her, but always avoided the subject because she didn't want me."
"Excuse me, sir, but that's not true," Cam spoke up again, also looking troubled. "At first Ree was sure you didn't want her, and even said so the night we three tried to reach London. Angus and I were worried about being followed, but she was sure we wouldn't be. She was sure you didn't care enough. And two days later, just before you and she left, she came to say good-bye to us. Afterward Angus was upset, but I thought he was imagining things because of his wound. He said she still didn't believe she was wanted, and she had that look in her eyes again. She used to have that look all the time, before he and I got close to her. You know, the look of a little girl all alone in the world, in the midst of people who only want to use her. But I don't understand why she went alone, without me, at least. She should have known I would have gone with her."
"I'm sure she did, Cam," Sarah soothed him. "And I'm also sure that's why she didn't ask. You and your brother have found places that please you, places that will let you rise in the world according to your abilities. She loves you too much to have asked you to leave all that for an uncertain future with her."
"And it's all my fault," Bryan said slowly. "I was being so clever, trying not to scare her away, that not once did I tell her how I felt. She must have thought I only wanted to use her to find Haynes, and let me do it because she wanted to find him, too. But if there's a chance she cares for me, why did she attack Haynes alone, literally behind my back? That may have accidentally saved my life, but why didn't she at least wait for us to do it together?"
"But she didn't attack him," Jeff objected in bewilderment. "I saw the whole thing, but couldn't get clear fast enough to do anything about it. That cold-blooded murderer was going for your back with a knife, and you had no idea he was coming. Mrs. Machlin ran to get there in time, and threw herself in the way. Bryan, she took the knife to keep it from reaching you, and I thought you knew that."
"Oh, my Lord," Sarah blurted with a hand to her throat. "No wonder she was furious. I said something about your knowing she saved your life, Bryan, which must have sounded as though that was the reason you wanted her to have the house. As a thank-you for a useful service, a pat on the head as you sent her away. Sent her away - Oh, God, I've just remembered something else, and I'll bet you never spoke to her about it."
"Spoke to her about what?" Bryan asked, now as bewildered as Jeff had been. "What did you remember?"
"That day we went to Harding's house and found him dead," Sarah answered, fighting to make the words come out lucid. "You'd asked me to let her know that you were ready to return her freedom, and I did. Did you ever tell her that you were setting her free because you believed it was what she wanted?" Bryan's bewilderment vanished behind closed eyelids, which made his following headshake unnecessary. "I thought not," Sarah added, sharing his pain. "Now I know why she felt so hurt, and I wish I didn't. What are you going to do?"
"Find her," he answered flatly, that old look suddenly back in his gray eyes. "I knew I should never have let her go, but I was trying to be civilized and gentlemanly about it. Now that it's almost ruined my life, I say to hell with it. From now on I do things my way, and God help anyone who gets in that way."
"London's a big city, my friend," Jamie called after him as Bryan started for the door. "You'll be using the men to help you look, of course, but where will you start?"
The mild words stopped Bryan the way a shout never would have, and Sarah felt like smacking her husband. Why did he have to say that, just when their friend was starting to come alive again? It was harder to find someone in a city than out in the countryside, but that didn't mean he couldn't do it.
Sarah looked at the men, all of them now wearing the same expression of frustration, and suddenly felt chilled. Surely Bryan would be able to find Rianne and bring her back… Wouldn't he…?
Rianne stood at the far rail of the ship, looking out to sea as the wind tried to toss her hair around. She'd tied it back with a piece of ribbon the way men usually did and tucked the end into her collar, and from behind with her cloak on she looked like a man. The captain of the vessel knew she wasn't male, but he had his own dour sense of honor. He believed that she wasn't there to sell herself to his crew and other passengers during the voyage, and had assured her of his protection once they were at sea.
Protection. The word almost made her smile, but not with amusement. It was two days since she left Machlin's house, and she hadn't had much trouble protecting herself. The room she'd taken on the waterfront had been awful, but it had also been cheap. People usually minded their own business down there; she wasn't the only one who hadn't been asked intrusive questions, but she still felt grateful.
But not so grateful that she hadn't broken a pitcher over the head of someone trying to bother her. That had kept the rest of them away, all the small, dirty men who lost their grins when she met their eyes. There was no fear in her, not over anything they might do, and knowing that seemed to have kept them at a distance.
And then she'd learned about this ship, arrived just the day before and taking on cargo and passengers for the colonies. She'd come on board and spoken to the captain, and had even haggled over the price of her passage. When they'd come to agreement he'd told her to be back today, for he meant to sail with the evening tide. Just a few more hours and England would be left forever behind…
Rianne put her hand on the weather-smoothed rail, searching for the eagerness she'd once felt at the thought of such a journey. The harbor had a perpetual smell of fish and salt water, bird droppings and garbage, spoiled produce and grease-protected metal. She couldn't wait to be away from it all, but no longer cared about the way she left. Grand sailing ship or scow, carriage or cart, horseback or shank's mare - anything, as long as it took her away. For two days she hadn't been able to sleep or eat much, and she was so very tired…
But would that really change? She stared out at the undulating gray-green sea, no longer filled with plans and hopes an
d dreams. She didn't know what would happen to her, and didn't even care. All she really wanted was to sleep and sleep and never wake up…
"It's got to be those clothes," a voice said suddenly from behind her. "Every time you put them on, I end up hopping around like a madman. It's obvious they have it in for me, so you're just going to have to choose between us."
Rianne stood frozen in shock for a moment, then whirled around to find that she hadn't imagined the voice. He was there, staring down at her with the most awful look in those gray eyes…
"What are you doing here?" she blurted, her shock turning the question into a demand. "How did you find me?"
"Unfairly," he admitted without hesitation, actually sounding pleased. "Sometimes that's the only way I can deal with you if I want to avoid utter failure."
"Well, it's too bad you bothered," Rianne said, refusing to show how suddenly torn up she felt. "I'm sailing in a few hours, so you can just go ahead and forget about me. You'll enjoy not having to worry about failure again."
She began to turn back to the rail, hating the reminder of how much trouble she had made for him. Was he there to rub salt in the wound of memory…?
"You're mistaken," he said, one big hand on her arm stopping her. "You're not sailing in a few hours, you're coming back with me right now. There are things we have to say to each other, things that should have been said long ago. I should have said them before; not having done it was my mistake and now I'm correcting it."
"Look, Machlin, I'm really too tired to play this game," she told him with a sigh, turning only her head. "I already know that I'm an embarrassment to you, and that you've found a woman who suits you a good deal better. Since I'm not about to argue any of that, you can consider everything said. And you can also go away and leave me alone."
She tried to unhook her arm from his hand, but instead of letting her go he turned her all the way back to him. He was staring at her as though she were mad, and even seemed to be outraged.