And you know, I get that. I really do. Dad was afraid of being left behind when the species moved on. He was probably right, honestly. He was just twenty years too early.
At least he had plenty of money, so I didn’t have some dipshit grad student cutting DNA on me like my new friend here apparently did. Even with that, though—the best-laid plans.
Of mice and men. Get it?
Terry pushes back from the table and heads over to the bar. I take the opportunity to check messages. Nothing. I was actually supposed to meet someone here tonight, but as far as I can tell, she never showed. Or maybe she did, and when she saw me mixing it up at the bar, she bolted. Doesn’t matter. I only knew her through the nets anyway, and my track record with transitioning virtual relationships to real ones is pretty poor for some reason. I pocket my phone. Terry sits down again, and sets another beer in front of me.
“So,” she says. “Are we on a date now?”
I wake up. The sun is red through my eyelids, and I can’t feel my right arm. I open my eyes. The reason I can’t feel my arm is that it’s pinned underneath a redheaded bowling ball. I lift my head and look around. This is not my bedroom. I’m in a twin canopy bed with lacy pink curtains. The sun is pouring through the half-open window and boring a hole through my brain. I close my eyes and let my head fall back again.
Terry coughs. A spray of hot spittle hits my chest. She groans and rolls away from me. I take the opportunity to pull my arm back. It flops across my stomach like a dead fish. I lift the covers and take a quick glance down. I’m naked. Terry’s wearing a pink tee shirt and panties. There are ugly purple bruises on both of my thighs.
I close my eyes again. My head is throbbing, but I don’t know where Terry keeps her painkillers and I don’t have the energy to try to find out. As I drift off, I half-dream a sound like a bird scratching at the windowpane. I try to open my eyes to see what it is, but at this point even that’s too much effort.
I wake up again. The sun is higher now, making a bright rectangle on the floor instead of on the inside of my skull. My head is pounding, and my mouth feels like someone put little fuzzy socks on each of my teeth. I’m alone in the bed. I sit up slowly. The room spins once or twice around before settling back into place.
The door swings open and Terry comes in, wearing a sweatshirt and jeans now, looking freshly scrubbed. Her hair is pulled back in a ponytail. She tosses me a water bottle. It bounces off of my forehead and drops to my lap.
“Thanks,” I say. Or try to, anyway. What comes out is more like a croak. I open the bottle and drink half of it down without stopping to breathe.
“You’re a late riser,” she says. “I wonder if maybe you had too much to drink last night.”
“Maybe.” I rub my face with both hands, then use my knuckles to dig the crust out of the corners of my eyes. Terry clears her throat.
“So,” she says. “You got big plans this morning?”
“Uh . . .”
“Don’t misunderstand—I’m not asking you to stay. I’m asking you to leave.”
“Oh.”
I take another long drink. She watches me expectantly.
“So,” I say finally. “We hit it last night, huh?”
She rolls her eyes.
“Yeah. Pretty disappointing. Apparently, you’re super fast at that, too.”
Ouch.
“Really?”
She smiles. My head is still aching, but for some reason I smile back.
“No, not really. You passed out before I could get your pants off.”
I take another quick glance under the sheet.
“Oh. So why am I naked?”
Her smile widens until it’s almost a leer.
“I didn’t say I didn’t get your pants off. I just said you passed out first.”
I finish the water bottle. My mouth still tastes like ass.
“Any idea how my legs got bruised?”
“You fell over my coffee table.”
“Ah.” I rub my face again. “What time is it?”
She glances down at her phone.
“Almost eleven.”
I groan and swing my feet off the bed and onto the floor.
“I actually do have somewhere to be,” I say. “Think you could hand me my pants?”
It’s a perfect spring morning, cool and crisp, with a deep blue sky and just a hint of a breeze. Terry’s apartment is on Thirty-third, not too far from JHU. I need to get to a diner on North Charles, up closer to Loyola. I give a few seconds of thought to pinging for a cab, but I’m not supposed to meet Doug until noon, and I’m thinking maybe the walk will do me some good.
Baltimore’s always been a pretty town. The sun dances on the glassphalt on West University—something I’d appreciate a lot more right now if every glitter didn’t feel like an ice pick in my brain. I cut through the Hopkins campus and turn up Linkwood, past the student housing and into the professors’ neighborhood. The trees here are old and thick limbed, leaning out over the sidewalk, and the houses are neat and clean and well maintained. I’m basically a squatter in a run-down townhouse on Twenty-eighth. I’d love to move up here, have a little bit of yard and a deck, but I’m not a professor. I’m a part-time instructor at three different schools, which is not the sort of career that supports the good life.
My mother calls me every week or so. Almost every time, she asks me when I’m going to get a real job, when I’m going to start my life. It’s a valid question, and I haven’t come up with a valid answer. Honestly, I’m not sure what a real job is at this point. I don’t know anyone who does anything that she would recognize as work. I have a friend who makes a bit as a product promoter, and one who does temporary art installations for parties and weddings. I know a couple of guys who live on government credits, and one who works for his dad, but never actually seems to do any work.
And then, there’s Doug. I have no idea what Doug does.
I walk into the diner at 12:04. I don’t bother wondering if Doug is here yet. I know that he walked through the door at precisely 12:00. I glance around, and there he is, just being seated by the hostess at a table near the back. I’d prefer a booth, but his exoskeleton doesn’t fit into the bench seats very well, and when he kicks your shin under the table, it really, really hurts. I walk over. The hostess has my place set up across from him, but I pull the chair around to the side of the table.
“Hey,” he says. “You look like crap.”
I drop into my seat and rub my temples with both hands.
“No doubt. How’re things on the far side of the singularity?”
“Good,” he says. “I just ordered waffles.”
“Awesome. With your brain thingie, you mean?”
He scowls.
“Don’t be a dick, Anders. It’s a wireless neural interface. You know this.”
I shrug.
“Did you order anything for me?”
“Depends. Are you going to call it a brain thingie again?”
“Probably.”
“Then no.”
I wave a waitress over. She’s a Pretty—flawless skin, white-blonde hair, eyes, nose and ears symmetrical to the micrometer. She looks me up and down, then rolls her eyes at Doug.
“I can take your order,” she says, “but you know you gotta tip for him, too, right?”
I nod. I’ve had brunch with Doug before.
“Fine. So what can I getcha, hon?”
I don’t bother to look at the menu. I always get the same thing here.
“Pancakes, two eggs scrambled, bacon, white toast?”
“Juice and coffee?”
“Hot tea.”
“Got it.”
She swishes away. Doug’s left eye is twitching. Apparently he’s downloading something fun.
“Let me guess,” I say. “Monkey porn? Donkey porn? Monkey on donkey porn?”
His eyes focus, and he squints at me.
“No,” he says. “Science stuff. You wouldn’t understand.”
My jaw sags open.
“I wouldn’t understand? I’m the one with the doctorate in engineering, Doug. Do you even have a high-school diploma?”
He scowls, which through the metal mesh that covers half his face is actually kind of terrifying.
“Formal education is meaningless after the singularity,” he says.
“Right,” I say. “It was porn, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah. But no monkeys or donkeys. Just the regular kind.”
I’ve known Doug for fifteen years now. When I first met him, he just had an ocular implant that he could use to access the nets, but every few months he’s added something new—visual overlays, exoskeleton, medical nanobots, blah blah blah. The brain thingie is his newest toy. It’s not clear to me exactly what the brain thingie does for him that the ocular didn’t, but apparently it’s something that was worth drilling a hole in his skull. It’s like he’s an addict. I imagine he’ll eventually look like a walking garbage can, with laser eyes and a giant robotic dong.
I’ve never actually looked into what these kind of mods cost, but it’s got to be a fortune, which is weird considering that I’ve never seen any indication that Doug does anything that anyone would pay money for.
“So,” I say. “What’s up with your arm?”
Doug’s left arm has been clamped to his side since I sat down. He’s not ordinarily a fidgeter, but he hasn’t even wiggled a finger today.
“Servos are locked up. Haven’t been able to move it since last night.”
“Huh. Planning on doing something about that?”
He half shrugs.
“Yeah, I’ll get it looked at. Can’t do it until Monday morning.”
“So why don’t you take it off?”
He looks at me blankly.
“Take what off?”
I wave a hand at him.
“The exoskeleton, Doug. Why don’t you take it off until you can get it fixed?”
The scowl comes back. Definitely terrifying.
“I dunno, Anders. Why don’t you take off your endoskeleton every time somebody startles you, and you bang your head on the ceiling and break your own leg?”
Well. That was unnecessary.
“Oh, don’t look at me like that,” he says. “It’s exactly the same thing. This isn’t a suit I’m wearing. It’s just as much a part of me as my organics.”
I lean forward.
“Except that you actually could take it off, right? You can’t do that with your balls, for example.”
“In fact,” he says, “right now it would be easier to take off my balls than this rig. The left arm is frozen. I may not have mentioned that.”
The waitress comes by with our food. She smiles at me, and asks if I need anything else. I shake my head. She gives Doug a sideways glance, glowers, and walks away. I pick up a slice of bacon. It’s perfectly crispy brown, and still hot. I take a bite and chew slowly, letting the salt clear the taste of rat anus that’s still lingering in my mouth. Doug is trying to cut his waffles into precise squares one-handed. It’s not going well.
“You know,” he says. “That bacon is nothing but fat and sodium.”
I shrug.
“And you know that waitress wiped her perfectly proportioned ass with your waffles, right? Explain again why you don’t feel the need to tip?”
Doug sighs. We’ve been through this before.
“Tipping allows the management to continue to employ low-cost human labor, where an automaton would clearly be more efficient. If nobody tips, the servers will eventually demand better pay, which will prompt management to replace them.”
“But it’s not everybody who’s not tipping, Doug. It’s just you—which means that the servers are not replaced by hyperefficient mechanical men, but I do have to sit here catching backsplash from the stink-eye they’re constantly throwing you, and watching you eat waffles that spent the best time of their lives down the back of someone’s shorts.”
He stabs a forkful of waffle and shovels it into his mouth.
“Tastes okay to me.”
We settle into eating. The waitress stops by to refill my tea. She really is a piece of work, and I find myself wondering if I could talk her into meeting up with me later. Hard to figure out how to start that conversation without coming off like a possibly dangerous weirdo, though, so I table the idea for the moment. I finish my last bite of eggs and give the pancakes a poke, but my stomach lets out a warning rumble. Doug finishes his waffle, drains his water glass, and leans back in his chair.
“So,” he says. “I suppose you’re wondering why I asked you here today.”
I actually was not wondering that at all. I look at him expectantly.
“The answer,” he says finally, “is that I have a proposition for you.”
I raise one eyebrow.
“Not the naked, sweaty kind of proposition,” he continues. “The business kind.”
I lean back and fold my arms across my chest.
“I have some documents,” he says. “I need you to review them for me. They’re . . . outside my expertise.”
“You mean not related to donkey porn?”
“No,” he says. “Not related to donkey porn, or monkey porn, or monkey-on-donkey porn. Technical documents. I think they’re close to your area of expertise, but I’m not sure. If they’re not, just delete them, and I’ll find somebody else.”
“You’re not sure because you don’t know what’s in the documents? Or because you swap to kitten cage-fighting videos every time I try to talk to you about my work?”
“Can’t it be both?”
I sigh.
“I’m sure it is, Doug. Fine. What file sizes are we talking about?”
He shrugs.
“A couple of terabytes, I’m guessing mixed media. Shouldn’t take more than a day or two to go through it, but unless you’re a lot better informed than you’ve led me to believe, you’ll probably need to do a fair amount of background digging as well.”
I pull out my phone, and make a show of checking my calendar. Truth is, I have absolutely nothing going on.
“Great,” I say. “I’ve got finals coming up, but I can probably get to it after that. What’s the rate?”
“The what?”
“The consulting rate. What are you going to pay me for this?”
He looks genuinely startled.
“Pay? Come on, Anders. I thought we were friends.”
I roll my eyes and wait for the laugh, but it’s not coming.
“I understand that you’re the cheapest cyborg on Earth,” I say finally, “but did you or did you not just say that this was a business proposition?”
“Yeah,” he says. “But I didn’t mean the paying kind of business.”
I close my eyes, and massage my temples again. The headache had been receding, but it’s coming back now with a vengeance.
“Just to clarify,” I say. “Is someone paying you to decipher these files?”
He manages to look offended.
“That’s kind of personal, isn’t it?”
“But you expect me to spend several days doing the actual work for you, for free.”
He looks up at the ceiling and sighs.
“Well sure, it sounds bad if you put it that way.”
“So let me put it this way instead: I bill out at six hundred an hour.”
He shrugs.
“Fair enough. When can you get back to me with some answers?”
Considering that Doug didn’t blink at my pulled-from-my-ass consulting rate, I’m feeling like I can spring for a cab to get back home. The car drops me off a little after two. I climb the six steps up to the stoop, and dig in my pockets for my keys. In addition to living next to a drug lab, I live in the only house left in Baltimore that doesn’t have electronic entry. I’m about to let myself in when the door jerks open, and Gary pulls me into a full-body hug.
“Where were you last night?” he wails, and crushes his face against my chest. “I waited and wai
ted, but you never came home.”
I push my way inside, pull the door closed behind me and pat him on the head.
“Sorry, honey.” I say. “I meant to call, but I was busy having sex with a prostitute. I hope you don’t mind.”
He laughs and lets me go.
“I figured as much. You smell like a Dumpster. Also, rent transfers tomorrow. Can you cover, or do I need to add it to your tab?”
“No,” I say. “I’m good. I’ll push it tonight.”
I start upstairs. I want a shower and a nap before I start thinking about not taking a look at Doug’s files.
“Hey,” Gary says. “Somebody named Dimitri stopped by looking for you this morning. Do we know a Dimitri?”
I keep climbing.
“So many Dimitris,” I say. “Russian hit man Dimitri? Ballet dancer Dimitri? Dancing bear Dimitri? What did he look like?”
I turn the corner at the landing. Gary’s still talking, but I’m no longer listening. I peel off my shirt and drop it in the hallway, step into the bathroom and turn on the shower. As I turn to close the door, I’m surprised to see Gary standing at the top of the stairs.
“Seriously,” he says. “This guy was definitely not a dancer and probably not a bear, and he seemed kind of torqued when I told him you weren’t here.”
I kick off my shoes and drop my pants.
“I don’t know anybody named Dimitri. What did he look like?”
“Six feet, kinda stocky. Black hair. Brushy little beard. Pretty serious accent. Ukrainian maybe?”
This is not ringing any bells.
“Look,” I say. “I’ve got nothing. I’ll think about it, and if I come up with anything I’ll ping you. Good enough?”
I close the door without waiting for an answer.
I spend ten minutes washing, then another fifteen letting the hot water steam the rest of the alcohol out of my system. I shut off the water, and by the time I’m finished toweling off, I feel like I could curl up and sleep on the bathroom floor. I collect my clothes and chuck them into the wicker hamper. As I do, my phone drops out of my pants and bounces off the tile. It pings when it sees that it has my attention. I’ve got a voice-only. I pick up the phone and acknowledge. It’s from Terry.
The End of Ordinary Page 28