by Julie Cohen
The doctor bustled in, slender in a lab coat. ‘Dr Summer,’ she said, glancing at the computer screen. ‘Throwing yourself off a sand dune, I hear?’
‘It wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made.’
She checked Romily over. ‘Still bleeding steadily. Any cramping or contractions?’
‘I can feel some cramps. Though it’s hard to make out what’s cramp and what’s the result of hitting the ground with my belly.’
‘This isn’t your first baby?’
‘Second.’
She nodded and snapped off her gloves. ‘It’s difficult to tell at this stage what’s going on. I’ll send you for a scan immediately and that will give us more of an idea. There are a number of things that could be causing the bleed, which may or may not be related to the trauma. If you are actually miscarrying, there’s very little we can do, of course, and as you know, sadly we can’t resuscitate before twenty-four weeks.’
‘I … no, I didn’t know that.’
The obstetrician gave her a swift look. ‘You’re not a medical doctor?’
‘An entomologist.’
‘Oh.’ She opened her mouth, and then closed it. ‘Oh. I see. In any case, we’ll send you for that scan, then. Good thing you did this during office hours, eh? Otherwise you’d have to wait till tomorrow. I’ll get someone in here to help you.’
She left Romily with the cut-open pregnant woman.
The baby had grown since the last scan when both Ben and Claire had been with her. Romily wouldn’t have thought she’d have noticed; she hadn’t thought she’d looked that closely. But she did notice. She stared at the screen that was filled with the mystery inside her. She saw a head, a hand, two closed eyes and a nose and a mouth.
‘It’s sucking its thumb,’ said the technician.
This is my baby. This is my baby with the only man I have ever loved.
‘Is it going to be all right?’
‘I’m sorry, I can’t diagnose anything. The doctor will have a look at the scans.’
Two curled-up legs, crossed feet at the ankles. The cord attaching its body to hers, through which she was feeding it, giving it life.
‘Is it a boy or a girl?’ she asked. Ben and Claire wanted it to be a surprise. But if it were never born, how could Romily grieve if she knew it only as a thing?
‘It’s a little boy,’ said the technician. ‘Do you want a photograph?’
She clutched it in her hand all the way back to the maternity unit, as if holding on to it would keep her baby inside her. She traced it with her finger. Caressed her baby’s cheek. Her little boy.
‘Well,’ said the obstetrician, her lab coat buttoned up this time, ‘there’s no placental abruption that I can see. Everything looks fine. Any contractions yet?’
‘No.’
‘Let’s check the bleeding.’
Romily turned her head and looked at her photograph while the doctor pulled on another set of gloves. Please, she thought.
‘It’s old blood now.’ The doctor chucked her gloves in the bin. ‘Sometimes these things just happen. But we’ll admit you to keep an eye on you, and keep you for twenty-four hours after the last bleed.’ She turned to go.
‘Is my baby going to be all right?’ Romily wanted to scream the words, but they came out as a choked whisper.
The doctor paused. ‘My best guess is yes. Shaken up, but fine.’
Romily burst into tears.
28
Maternity Ward
THE FIRST THING that Claire heard was the sound of a baby crying. It was a shared ward, with four beds on either side of the room, separated by curtains on rails; in the bed nearest the door, a woman nestled a downy head to her breast.
Ben rushed to the far bed where Romily lay. He flung himself onto his knees and put his ear to her stomach. ‘The baby’s all right, isn’t it?’ He laid his hand on Romily’s stomach.
They’d had a call on the journey down to Poole to say so. But Romily looked slight and pale in the hospital bed, in a patterned white hospital nightgown. There was a scrape on the side of her face.
‘They think it’s going to be fine,’ she said. Her voice was hoarse.
‘Claire!’ said Posie, running up to her and throwing her arms around her waist. Claire hugged her back.
‘Come on, Thing,’ said Ben to Romily’s stomach. ‘Kick your daddy. Show me you’re all right.’
‘It was going crazy a few minutes ago,’ Romily told him.
‘Have you stopped bleeding?’ Claire asked over Posie’s head.
‘Pretty much. They have to keep me in for twenty-four hours, but then I should be okay to go.’
‘Unless you start again,’ said Claire.
‘We were frantic,’ said Ben. ‘I’m sorry we couldn’t get here earlier. I was in London and then there was an accident on the M3.’
It was a trip that Claire never cared to repeat: Ben swearing at the traffic, while she sat beside him, twisting her hands together, trying not to think about the blood. The pain. Happening to another woman this time, but with Claire’s baby.
‘Did they really have to put you in a ward with newborns?’ she said. ‘It seems a little … cruel.’ She glanced at the woman beside Romily, who was reading a magazine. Her baby was asleep at the end of her bed in a plastic cot.
‘I think it was the only bed they had. I’m not expecting to get a lot of sleep.’
‘Romily fell straight down a sand dune on her face,’ said Posie, detaching herself from Claire but taking her hand. ‘You should have seen her! She looked dead.’
Ben raised his head. ‘You fell off a sand dune? Is that what happened?’
‘Didn’t Jarvis tell you when he rang?’
For the first time, Claire noticed the man leaning against the windowsill. He was tall, lanky, with blond hair that needed a cut. He wore baggy shorts and sandals and had his arms crossed against his chest.
Ben seemed to notice him at the same time. His face hardened and he stood up. ‘Where did you take her?’
‘We went to the beach,’ the man, Posie’s father, said. ‘Hello again, Ben.’
‘You let her go climbing on sand dunes when she’s twenty-one weeks pregnant?’
‘The dune climbing wasn’t on the agenda,’ Jarvis said.
‘I caught my foot in a hole,’ said Romily. ‘It could’ve happened anywhere.’
‘And what was Posie doing?’ Ben asked. ‘Who was watching her?’
‘I was,’ said Jarvis.
‘I was building a sandcastle,’ said Posie. ‘It had shells for windows and it was where we could all live if we were tiny people. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, I heard a scream.’
Claire squeezed her hand, though to be honest Posie seemed to be enjoying the drama. She was too young to understand the gravity of the situation or to pick up on the tension between the adults.
‘Essentially, you decided to take your brand-new family for a jolly to the beach,’ said Ben to Jarvis, ‘and as a result, our child was put at risk.’
‘I take full responsibility,’ said Jarvis.
‘That’s new for you.’
‘It was my fault,’ said Romily firmly. ‘I’m really sorry to worry you, Ben and Claire.’
‘As long as everything is all right,’ said Claire. ‘I brought some fruit.’ She put her canvas carrier on the little table and took out a bag of grapes and some oranges. It was what she’d had in her refrigerator. Posie took an orange and sat down on the only chair, peeling it.
‘They gave me a scan,’ Romily said. ‘I saw the baby. The consultant said it looked absolutely fine, no injury at all. She said that these bleeds sometimes happen for no reason.’
‘What about you?’ Ben said, turning from Jarvis to her. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Sprained an ankle, bruised myself. It’s fine.’
‘Did you get a photo of the scan?’ asked Claire. ‘So we can see?’
‘I … I forgot. Sorry.’
Romily reached for th
e bag of grapes, but Claire took it first. ‘They need washing,’ she said, and went to the communal bathroom on the other end of the ward.
Her head was spinning. She’d been on her way out to the gym when Ben had rung her, nearly frantic, on his way down the M4 already, coming to pick her up. Then the rush to get here, and the traffic, and the brief phone call from Romily to say that everything was looking all right, but by then Claire could hardly believe it. And then after all that worry and panic, to find out that Romily had been out with someone Claire didn’t know, and had been careless enough to fall hard enough to endanger Claire’s baby.
She tried not to let the bag touch any of the surfaces as she rinsed the fruit in the sink and took a few paper towels to place the bag on.
‘I’ve cancelled everything,’ Ben was saying to Romily when Claire came back. ‘We’ll stay down here until you’re ready to come back home.’
‘What about me?’ asked Posie. Her fingers were covered with orange juice; Claire handed her a paper towel.
‘My sister lives about twenty miles from here,’ said Jarvis. ‘I was thinking we could stay there tonight and take Romily home tomorrow.’
‘Posie will stay with us,’ said Ben. ‘We’ll find a hotel nearby.’
‘Is your sister my auntie?’ Posie asked Jarvis.
‘Yes, she’s your aunt. You’ve got three.’
‘She’s a stranger,’ said Ben. ‘We’re Posie’s godparents. We’ve known her since she was born.’
‘Posie’s had a hard day,’ Claire said, as gently as she could.
‘She should stay with Ben and Claire,’ Romily said. ‘Sorry, Jarvis, but you know it makes sense.’
‘I want to stay with you,’ Posie said to Claire. ‘But Jarvis can get a room in the hotel too.’
‘Jarvis can do whatever he wants. He always has.’
‘Ben,’ said Claire.
‘I’ll stay with my sister Sally,’ Jarvis said to Posie, and Claire heard how his voice softened when he addressed her. ‘But I’ll be back tomorrow to see how your mum is doing and I’ll see you then. Bye, Romily.’
He left, and everyone was silent for a moment.
‘I had some clothes for Posie for the beach,’ said Romily. ‘There should be enough for tomorrow.’
‘We’ll go shopping for toothbrushes and nightgowns,’ said Claire. ‘And it looks like you could use some after-sun on your face and shoulders, too, Posie. Have you eaten any dinner?’
‘I’ve had two double chocolate muffins in the café with Jarvis.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Claire told Romily. ‘We’ll look after her.’
‘I know you will.’
The baby next to them woke up and started crying. Claire saw Romily wince.
‘Are you sure you’re all right?’ asked Ben.
‘Yes. Yes, go before the shops close. I’ll be fine. I’ll see you all tomorrow.’
Ben kissed her forehead. ‘Don’t go giving us any more scares like this, lady.’
‘I won’t. I promise.’
Posie gave Romily a swift hug and then she took Ben and Claire’s hands. ‘I’ve never stayed in a hotel before,’ she said. ‘This is turning out to be the most exciting day ever.’
They turned down the lights in the ward early. Romily lay flat on her back in the bed. Her ankle throbbed. The woman next to her was sitting in her chair, her nightgown pulled aside, trying to breastfeed. The baby was making snuffling, rooting sounds, like a miniature pig. The woman across from Romily was the only other one in this ward without a baby with her; her twins were in special care. She’d gone to visit them and come back half an hour ago, crying. Now she was asleep.
Romily took the scan photograph out from underneath her pillow. In the dim light, alone, she looked at every detail.
‘I don’t like it,’ said Claire in a low voice. In the other double bed, Posie lay asleep, breathing deeply. Her mouth was open and freckles scattered her nose and cheeks.
‘I don’t either.’ Ben pulled off his tie and began unbuttoning his shirt. ‘I was scared to death.’
‘I mean, I know that Romily’s entitled to have her own life, but I feel like a hostage to fortune. It’s not that I don’t trust her, but I can’t help thinking that she’s … being a little careless.’
‘I don’t think that she meant to fall.’ He draped his trousers on a chair and climbed into bed beside Claire.
‘No. No, of course not. But she’s not … I’m not sure she thinks these things through.’
‘And then there’s Jarvis. How can you trust someone who abandons his pregnant girlfriend?’
‘I don’t know.’ Claire glanced at Posie.
‘Your first duty of care always has to be to your child. Always. And he left Romily to deal with it alone.’
‘He seems to be trying to make up for it.’
Ben was quiet for a moment. ‘You didn’t see her after he left her pregnant. She was trying to be brave. You know how she doesn’t like to talk about how she feels. She was terrified.’
‘She said … she said that you convinced her to keep Posie. You never told me that.’
‘She asked me not to tell anyone, and besides, there was nothing to tell. I didn’t convince her. I just talked with her. She made her own decision, and it was the right one. He had no interest in it whatsoever. Who knows what’s going on now? Romily wouldn’t have been at the beach in the first place if not for him.’
‘I think climbing sand dunes is exactly what Romily would do,’ said Claire. ‘She was probably chasing butterflies or something. She doesn’t think, Ben. She didn’t even ask for a scan picture for us when we couldn’t make it on time.’
‘It’s not Romily’s fault. She was shaken up.’
‘But we don’t know anything. We couldn’t talk to the doctors ourselves. We’ve had everything second-hand. If they’re keeping her in hospital, they must be worried still.’
‘We’ll see. We’ll wait and see. If the worst comes to the worst, we’ll book a private scan.’ Ben turned out the light. ‘She needs looking after, that’s clear enough.’
‘I feel so powerless.’
‘It’s been a hard day. Let’s get some sleep.’ He kissed her and lay down.
Ben could always sleep at night. It was as if he put aside the worries and concerns of the day with the clothes he’d been wearing. Within minutes he was breathing deeply. They’d left the bathroom light on for Posie, in case she woke up, and in that half-light Claire lay staring at the blank ceiling, awake and alone.
29
A Million Times
ROMILY WAS JUST thinking about getting up off the sofa and going to bed when there was a tap at her door. She tucked the photograph back between the pages of her notebook, shoved the notebook under a sofa cushion, and struggled to her feet – or rather, to her foot, as she held her bandaged left ankle clear of the floor. She hopped to the armchair, steadied herself on the back of it, and then hopped the rest of the way to the door.
‘You’d better not be a crazed murderer after I hopped all this way,’ she muttered, sliding on the chain and opening the door.
It was Jarvis carrying a pizza. He’d changed clothes since she’d seen him at the hospital this morning, to jeans and a black jumper. An orange August Thorn moth fluttered near his hair, attracted by Romily’s light.
‘Requesting permission to enter,’ he said.
She unfastened the chain. Two days ago she hadn’t been ready to let him into her flat, but since then he’d carried her in his arms, admitted her to hospital, and watched their daughter while Romily spent some time being more frightened than she’d ever been in her life.
Plus, she saw and smelled as soon as she opened the door, he had pizza.
The August Thorn followed him in; Romily reached up, captured it between her hands and released it gently outside before she shut the door.
‘Posie’s asleep,’ she said.
‘I didn’t come to see Posie.’ He put the pizza on the coffee table nex
t to Romily’s empty cocoa mug.
‘I hope that’s green pepper and mushroom.’ She hobbled to the sofa and fell onto it. Jarvis took the armchair.
‘Are you kidding? It’s extra-meaty meat feast. I just brought it to taunt you. This flat isn’t bad.’
‘What a compliment from someone who’s spent the last eight years in a tent.’
‘When you wouldn’t let me come in the other day I thought you were living in squalor. But this isn’t squalid. It looks as if you even do the washing up occasionally.’ He pointed to Posie’s painting above the sofa. ‘I like that.’
‘I wouldn’t let you come in because I wasn’t sure I was ready to let you that close.’
‘What changed your mind?’
She flipped open the lid of the pizza box. ‘Ah. Green pepper and mushroom. There’s your answer.’ She helped herself to a gooey slice. ‘I shouldn’t even be hungry. We stopped for a huge meal on the way home from Poole.’
‘How are you feeling?’
‘Stiff. But okay. I had a full check-up before I left the hospital and the baby is fine. Ben and Claire have booked me in for a private scan.’
Jarvis took a slice for himself and ate half of it in one bite. She wondered what he’d been doing all day; he’d only stayed at the hospital that morning for half an hour, chatting with Posie and avoiding speaking to Ben.
‘I was thinking that school starts next week and you’re going to have trouble getting Posie there if that ankle isn’t healed. I can help.’
‘Ben’s already sorted it. He’s rearranging his schedule so he can do pick-up and drop-off while I take some time to recover.’
‘They really look after you, don’t they?’
‘They’re looking after their baby.’
‘No,’ he said, ‘it’s you. And Posie.’
‘They’re her godparents.’
‘He got that too,’ Jarvis said quietly. He put down the pizza and looked straight at Romily. ‘Claire doesn’t know how you feel about him, does she?’
She could deny it and bullshit him and herself all over again. But look where it had got her the last time. ‘No, she doesn’t have a clue. She can’t. I don’t feel great about it, before you ask. I’ve tried not to … care about him.’