Falling

by L C Smith

  “Do you think it will ring again?” Steven asks after an hour.

  “Don’t think so.”

  I guess that was the weirdness that made him decide I wasn’t worth it. He went back to his book and didn’t talk to me again until we got to Arling. He looked at me plenty, but he never said anything, which suited me fine.

  “Have a good break.” He smiles weakly at me as I get off the bus.

  “Thanks.” He looks back at me again before he gets into the car waiting for him. I don’t want to talk to you, accept that and move on, I think walking past his car. I think he needs another post-it.

  I need to find a way to aunt Kelly’s. I think I’m going to have to get a taxi. And I really need to get my smiles working. I thought four hours was going to be enough to get my head away from what Keller said. But even remembering his words send my heart racing again.

  “Is there somewhere I can get a taxi from?” I practice my normal voice. It’s a little bit like a five year old who’s just been offered candy, but I think it’s better than the almost dead sound it was the last time I spoke.

  “Sure love, just go out the main doors, and on the left is a taxi stand. Take any one you want.” She beams at me. Surely you don’t need to be that happy to be giving out directions, it was only for a taxi.

  Stop it, I scold myself. Happy, happy cheerful thoughts. I cringe and shudder a little at the drippy sweet sound of my thoughts. Maybe I can pull off, nice to see you, but I’m really tired because I had to catch a stupid bus instead of a plane, so I don’t want to talk to any of you, even though I haven’t seen you all for six months.

  I’m lying to myself and I know it, I think as I give the address for aunt Kelly’s and lean back watching the semi familiar streets go past. Aunt Kelly isn’t going to just let me go away and be by myself. Hopefully uncle Rod is there, he will save me from her most prying questions, which she always asks me.

  Unfortunately it only takes five minutes to get home, I roll my eyes at myself, I love aunt Kelly and uncle Rod, but this will never be home.

  “Is this it miss?” The taxi driver asks.

  “Yes thanks.” I give my cheerful, but normal voice one last try while I hand over the last of all the money I saved up over the last semester. I’ve got about twenty five cents left.

  I want to say that I can’t believe after everything I still ended up here. But if I’m honest, this is the best place for me. I can just lie about everything, I can make up some lie about feeling sick to excuse my horrible mood. Sitting on a bus will explain what I look like.

  I stand on the side-walk for a minute after the taxi leaves, I can’t imagine what I actually look like, I think I only blinked four times on the whole trip down, so now my eyes feel like sandpaper has been shoved under my lids.

  I drag myself up the path through the front yard. I pause before knocking to arrange my face and hold my eyes closed for a few seconds to calm some of the redness.

  I have to do it, I suck in a deep breath and try and knock on the door.

  “Reid? Wow, what are you doing here? I thought you were staying at school.” Aunt Kelly holds the door open, after my pathetic attempts at knocking. How hard is it to knock? You lift your hand, make a fist and bang it on something.

  She smiles expectantly, right, I have to speak. “I was, but I decided to come at the last minute. Sorry I didn't call first.”

  Her expression changes slightly, then she opens the door wider. “No problem. Come on. You must be tired. Have you eaten?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Put your stuff in your room. We are just about to have dinner.” Aunt Kelly walks ahead of me, pushing the door of my room open. I smile to myself, hoping she doesn't turn around.

  “I'm sorry. I didn't even think of the time.” I look down at my watch, holding onto my wrist.

  “Nonsense,” she says. “There's plenty here. And heaven knows your uncle Rod could do with a little less feeding every night.”

  “I resent that,” he shouts from somewhere.

  I stop in the doorway of my room, lingering for a second like I have stuff to put in there.

  “Good to see you young lady.” Uncle Rod comes wandering in from the back of the house. He has a book in one hand, and an empty plate in the other.

  “See what I mean?” Aunt Kelly says. “I could cook all day, and he would still come in to see what else I have made.”

  “That, my dear, is because you are such a wonderful wife and make me such wonderful food. It would be rude of me not to eat as much of it as I can. Anyway, I'm on a diet. I'll be skinnier than you before you realise it. Isn't it shocking, Reid. This is the way your aunt greets you. By calling me fat.”

  I chuckle softly and aunt Kelly pulls herself up from the cupboards to reply, but Charlotte walks in. “Reid!” She squeals. “You did come. That's so great.”

  I spread my arms out. “Yip. All weekend long.”

  “So why did it take you so long to get here?” She dives at me.

  “The airport was closed this morning. Sort of a security problem.” I shrug.

  “That was you?” Aunt Kelly's pitch rises. “You were caught up in that? Why on earth didn't you call us? We could have arranged something. How did you get here? Did they open back up? You should have called. I saw it on the news, but I didn't think you were coming. So I didn't even think about you being there.”

  She stops to take a breath.

  “Kelly, be calm. Clearly the girl is fine. She is standing in front of you. Take a moment. I'm sure if there is something to tell, she will tell us. Right?” Uncle Rod motions at her with his eyes.

  “Of course. Yes, you’re right. I'm sorry. Just a bit startling, but of course you’re all right. You are here. You are all right aren't you?” She stops, really studying me.

  I want to squirm out of her gaze, but I've got nowhere to go. “You didn't see the person? They weren't on your flight were they?” Her eyes and volume both get bigger at the same rate.

  Do not laugh. Do not laugh. I can feel it rising in the back of my throat. Yeah, I did aunt Kelly, and she’s come to stay for the weekend too.

  “I'm fine, really I'm fine,” I say. “I don't know what flight the person was on. Or even if the person was on a flight.”

  Uncle Rod jumps in. “Actually I heard that whoever it was just left a bag in the terminal. I don't think they got onto a plane.”

  “Is that supposed to make me feel better? That some crazy person is wandering airports but not getting onto planes?”

  She has her hands on her hips.

  “They don't even know if they were doing anything wrong. It really was just a bag. And it was a girl’s bag. It's not something to get worked up over.” I add, trying to make, well, myself sound less like a crazy airport stalker.

  “Well, I don't care what way you two want to lie about it. I don't want you hanging out at the airport,” she says sternly at me.

  “I don't go there unless I have to fly,” I say laughing an off sound. “And uncle Rod is right. There wasn't much of anything. They shut it for forty five minutes, ripped up some bag, realised it was nothing but someone's handbag, and opened everything back up.”

  “They turned a plane around. In the air.” She almost squeaks.

  “Yeah, they did.” I will not sigh. Must just explain. “But it was just to check that everything was all right with it.”

  “I'm not sure if they were even connected.” Uncle Rod comes to my defence.

  “Was it scary?” Charlotte asks, her face looking like aunt Kelly's.

  “Charlotte. Don't say that.” Aunt Kelly almost shouts. I've never seen her like this.

  “Aunt Kelly, please, it was seriously nothing. You’re making this way bigger than it was. Really, it was just a bag. That's it. No big deal, just a bag.”

  “Then why did it take so long for you to get here?”

  “I couldn't be bothered waiting. I didn't know how long they were going to take, so I went into town and caught the
bus down.”

  “You came all this way in a bus?” She’s doing the eye popping thing again.

  “It's not that far. It's barely a forty-minute flight; on one of those awful little planes. They might as well have propellers.” I try to pull a face to distract her.

  “I'm with you there Reid,” Uncle Rod says. “Those tiny planes are scary things.”

  We both look back to aunt Kelly, who’s looking a little pale.

  “Really aunt Kelly, take it from me. I was there. It was a big bunch of nothing.”

  She stares at me, and I try to hold her gaze honestly, which is quite hard, considering I’m lying, a lot.

  “Okay then.” She goes back to the searching in the cupboard, coming up with plates.

  Silently she works around the table, setting everything out, then shifts to the oven and unloads food in front of the plates. I stare at the side of Uncle Rod's face. He is watching aunt Kelly, too. He finally feels my stare and glances at me. He shrugs and sits himself at the table.

  “Come sit next to me.” Charlotte pulls a chair next to hers. “What's it like being a senior? I bet it’s amazing. Have you met any cool people? You know.” She moves her head from side to side, indicating a deeper meaning.

  “It's all right, I guess. Just like every other year, really. And no, I haven't met any cool people. I go to an all girl's school.”

  “Sorry, I forget that. What's that like, only having girls there?”

  “Normal for me. Like normal school, just without any boys.”

  “So better.” Uncle Rod adds.

  “Depends which way you look at it,” I reply. “It could go either way.” I work at getting a real grin to come out.

  “I'm sure it could, and you don't have anyone you'll be calling to let them know you arrived safely?” He asks suggestively.

  I smile quickly. “Oh, yeah I do. Aunt Kelly. I told the matron that you would call to say I got here.”

  She goes to get the phone immediately; she is always really onto it with my school stuff. She says she doesn't want me to have any problems with any of the teachers because she is busy.

  I turn back to uncle Rod with a sweet angelic look on my face. “Thanks for reminding me.”

  “Not quite what I meant,” he says, smiling. “Which either means that you are avoiding talking about him, or you’re avoiding talking about him.”

  Aunt Kelly waves her arm to make us be quiet. I point to her and give him an apologetic look that I can't reply, and shove food into my mouth. Food. Hot, cooked food.

  “Hi, this is Kelly Miller. I'm just calling to let you know that Reid arrived safely.” She pauses and you can hear a little buzzing sound of another voice. “Yeah, I am sorry it has taken this long. She only just arrived, because she had to take a bus after the airport was shut.” She stops again. “Not a problem. Thank you for being concerned.”

  I could never be that nice, and aunt Kelly means it. She is that nice to everyone. She is just a sweet person.

  I devour my dinner silently and quickly. I can tell they are all looking at me and making head movements, trying to get someone to ask me if I'm okay. But I don't care. At least I'm tired enough I won't think about Keller until tomorrow.

  I finish my dinner. “Sorry I'm being so antisocial. I’m so tired. I got to the airport early so I wouldn't miss my flight. Then I missed it anyway.” I attempt to laugh, but it's hollow. “Do you mind if I take a shower? Sitting down and stopping has finished me off.”

  “Please do. Take as long as you want. Have a bath if you want. I bought some really nice bath salts last week.”

  “Yes, and your aunt really needs someone to use them to make her feel better for spending a week’s worth of groceries on them.”

  “It wasn't quite that much.”

  Uncle Rod looks down at his plate, and aunt Kelly mouths, “it was” and silently laughs.

  I push away from the table. “Thanks for that. I was starving. I only had a granola bar and chocolate with me, and it was an express all the way here so I couldn’t stop to get anything else.” I don’t know why I’m explaining this, thank you is enough.

  “It's not a problem. You go shower your problems away.”

  I smile, torn between denying I have problems to wash away and sounding like someone who is denying them. I settle for, “thanks.”

  I go back to my room. It's just like the last time I was here. I have my own room. My pictures are on the walls, there are photos of me swimming, and even ones of me with Charlotte on family trips and when we were little. I want to grab my whole bag and take it to the bathroom, look at my mum’s note, see my things that will make me feel more like me and less like this whole day has been a dream. I’m so tired I can’t even make tears to match the grief I feel about never holding any of it again.

  I don’t even have any clothes to change into, and I’m not going to tell aunt Kelly, she will just freak out again.

  I cross the hall and flick the shower onto hot, and the room fills with warm steam. I stop. Turn it back off and turn the bath tap on.

  “The salts are in the glass jar,” aunt Kelly calls out from the kitchen.

  “Thanks.” She must have heard the water change from the shower to the bath. I sprinkle a small handful under the gushing water then fill the hand basin, squirt in some shampoo, and put in everything except my jeans and hoodie and scrub them.

  I rinse them under running water just as the bath is getting to the right depth. I shut everything off, wring out my clothes and hang them on the towel rail under the bathroom heater.

  One foot into the hot water and I slide the rest of the way in. My dad used to tell me to take a shower whenever I felt bad. He said it would make me feel mint. I lean back, absorbing the scalding hot water. I slide further into the bath plunging my whole head under the steaming hot water when Keller’s face pops into my head, and come up gasping for air thirty seconds later.

  All the water shuts off, aunt Kelly must be finished doing the dishes. The TV flicks on quietly, and Charlotte walks softly past the bathroom, which is on the way to her room.

  “I don't think she is all right. Did you see the way she looked?” I hear aunt Kelly say.

  She must think I can't hear her. I cough loudly, trying to let them know that I can.

  “Stop panicking,” uncle Rod replies. “She's had a big day. We all look a little rough after we've been going for that long.”

  Great. I can hear them, but they can't hear me. I hum a song loudly.

  “It wasn't that. Did you see her face? She looks sad. When she smiles, there's nothing there. She is sad.”

  Really? I look sad.

  “She's a teenager. They're sad, they're angry. It's what they do. That's why they invented boarding school, so you don't have to deal with it every day.”

  “She is sad, Rodney, and we are in charge of making sure she is good. That she's happy. I owe my sister that.”

  She must really be worried if she is bringing out the Rodney. And I can't even try harder. That was me trying harder. I laughed and joked with them. Okay so it was about the airport blowing up a bag, but still I laughed.

  “Stop being so dramatic. We give her our house, our love. She has a place to call home. Okay, I will grant you it's not with her family, but she is wanted. We are here any time she needs us. Let her be, let her come to us. Just letting her be here so she can sort through whatever it is might be all she needs. She's not a silly girl. Leave her be.”

  “You're not a girl. You don't understand. Sometimes you need a shoulder to cry on. She hasn't been here in months. She might not know how to come to us.”

  “Leave her, Kelly. Sometimes it doesn't do any good to pry.”

  She must be pulling a face at him. She is silent, but uncle Rod laughs. I shove my head back under the water, so I can't hear if they keep talking. I look sad. The pity in her voice when she said it is the worst thing. I come up for air and plunge straight back down. Next time I come up, all I can hear is the dishwas
her quietly working away and the TV talking. I yank the plug, and let the water rush away from me. The pressure feels like it is pulling me down the drain.

  Wrapping myself in a thick warm towel, I check the clothes drying on the rack. Good thing I'm not staying for a week. I'd have to do this every day.

  I hunt through the bathroom cupboard for a hair dryer, nothing is quite dry. I spray my damp clothes with hot air making steam rise out of the fabric, forcing the damp out of them.

  Done. I stiffly yank all the warm clothes back on and move quickly and quietly across the hall to my room. No one else moves. I sit on the end of my bed and pull the brush that I leave here through the length of my hair, over and over again with my eyes closed. I should move and get into the bed, but I can't be bothered. I wonder if you can sleep sitting up. I hope so, because I really don't want to have to move.

  “Reid, are you still awake?” Aunt Kelly asks from the doorway. My body crumples up.

  “Yes.” I sound so formal, because I know what's coming.

  I cringe. I don't need a lecture, just some space where people don't know who Keller is, and they won't ask me what he's doing or why I'm not with him today. Or worse, if he’s coming to pick me up.

  “Do you mind if we talk a bit?” She comes around the door without opening it further.

  “About what?” There's always hope she just wants to see if I'm keeping my grades up.

  “What's wrong?” She looks at me with the same eyes as my mum. Usually I look away, so I don't have to see them.

  Out of nowhere I burst into tears. “I broke up with my boyfriend, because his stupid, rich, pretty ex-girlfriend came back. And I saw them out together, and it was horrible.” I sob.

  Why, why am I doing this? They weren't supposed to know about Keller. They weren't supposed to be able to look at me like everyone else. Shut up, stupid woman, keep your mouth shut for once.

  “Oh, sweets, don't cry. You're young. Someone much better will come along.” She pulls my shoulder into her side. “Don't cry,” she repeats, while tucking my hair behind my ear. My mum used to do that as well when I was upset.