She thought back to Samuel’s comments about nurturing the land and how work could be healthy and enjoyable. Planting the flowers didn’t seem like work, and it certainly brought her a sense of calm. She noticed she felt the same way after a successful day of baking, or when she mastered a particular sewing task. It was a sense of accomplishment, but there was something else too.
“How’s Grandpa feeling?”
“He’s resting. I’m thankful he was able to attend worship this morning, but I think he’s paying the price about now.” She shook her head. Lillian could see the worry in her tired eyes, magnified by dark circles underneath. “The Englisch doctors in town changed his medication. Seems to give him a boost of energy, but then he’s down and out in the evening hours.” She shook her head again.
“I’m sorry I didn’t finish my other chores in time to help you with supper.” She paused. Grandma was shaking her head as if it didn’t matter. But Lillian knew she was going to have to start taking on more chores around the house and try to complete them in a more timely manner. Otherwise, Grandma was going to end up sick right alongside Grandpa.
“Grandma, I think maybe I should just make it a point to cook the meals. That includes breakfast. I’ve been getting up early, and I’ve seen what Grandpa likes to eat for breakfast. Why don’t you start sleeping in a little bit, and let me handle the cooking?”
As if she didn’t hear a word Lillian was saying, Grandma said, “Child, what are you watchin’ for down that driveway?” She strained to see down the dirt drive.
“Huh?” Lillian was anxious for Samuel and David to arrive, but she didn’t think she was that obvious.
“Are you waiting for Samuel and David?” Grandma wrinkled her nose.
“Oh . . . They’re just coming by. For a quick visit.” She shrugged her shoulders to signify it was no big deal.
Grandma’s lips pursed together and she gave her granddaughter a stern look. “Now, Lillian,” she began slowly. “You’d have to be thick as pea soup not to see that you and Samuel have taken a fancy to each other. But you need to be very careful. There’s a child involved here, and it seems to me that the boy has taken a fancy to you as well.”
So, it wasn’t just her imagination. Samuel did like her a little more than he was willing to let on. Even Grandma had picked up on it. “We’re just friends, Grandma. That’s it.”
In a tone indicative she wasn’t buying it, her grandmother said, “Ya.”
“Really. We’ve talked about it.” Lillian took a seat in the other rocker. “We’re just going to be friends, and Samuel said he’d talk to David about it.”
In spite of her obvious concern, Grandma chuckled.
“What?” She watched her grandma shaking her head.
“You’ve talked about it?” Grandma’s face grew serious. “Lillian, if you’ve talked about it, then the notion for courting must be in both your heads. And you need to know it would be devastating to the community, and to Samuel and David, if he fell in lieb with you. You aren’t Amish and it could cause a world of trouble for Samuel.” Her mouth twisted as if biting on a sour grape.
“What?” Lillian couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Grandma, first of all, we barely know each other. No one is in love. We’re just friends. And I would never allow Samuel to get into any kind of trouble.”
“You say that now, dear. When two people are attracted to each other, reckless decisions can be made.”
“I know all about reckless decisions, Grandma. I watched Mom make a whole slew of them over the years.” She looked away, trying to avoid certain memories that crept into her dreams at night. Her own reckless decisions had stemmed from her attraction to Rickie. But unlike her mother, she refused to allow herself to keep making the same mistakes. She blinked her eyes, shook her head, and turned back toward her grandma. “I like it here. So I don’t see why Samuel and I can’t be friends.”
A worried look still scrolled across the older woman’s face. “I didn’t say you couldn’t be friends, Lillian. I’m sayin’ you are both treading into dangerous territory. I’m pleased as punch you like it here and want to stay on for a while, but to live among us is to learn our ways and to give up many things you’re used to having. Most people come here looking for something they don’t find.”
Lillian’s chest grew heavy. “Don’t you want me here?” She realized just how much she wanted to be here.
“Your daadi and I want you here very much.” Grandma smiled, but the worry quickly returned. “But running away from something isn’t always the answer either.”
Lillian thought for a minute and tried to ignore the lump forming in her throat. Maybe Grandma was having second thoughts about bringing her into their community. “Grandma, I’m not running away from something—I’m running to something. There’s been something terribly amiss in my life.”
“Do you think you’ve found that something in Lancaster County?”
“I do, Grandma. Or at least . . . I might have. These last few days have been wonderful. But if you don’t want me here, I would understand. I know I have a lot to learn.” Tears were building, and she didn’t want Grandma to see her cry. Then she’d feel obligated to say she wanted Lillian there.
Grandma reached over and cupped her hand over Lillian’s. “Lillian, there is nothing I want more than for you to live with us—for as long as you like.” She paused. “But the something you are running to won’t be found through gardening, cooking, or making bread.” She looked at Lillian’s blue dress and black apron. “Or by wearing our Plain clothing.”
“That’s what Samuel said.”
Grandma looked shocked at first that she and Samuel had such conversations. But then she softened. “Well, Samuel’s right. Find God, Lillian. The rest will follow.”
Find God? And exactly where had He been hiding all her life? She’d tried praying, waiting to see if an all-powerful Being really existed, but her prayers had gone unheard. When she and her mother slept in the car when she was twelve, where was God then? Where was God when her mother begged the landlord for just one more day to pay the rent? When Rickie strode into her life and trapped her in a twisted maze of good and evil, why didn’t this Supreme Being show her a path to safety sooner?
Find God. She had looked for God. And while she hadn’t ruled out the possibility Someone had helped her through some tough spots, she hadn’t ruled out the possibility it was all just coincidence either.
As if reading her mind, Grandma said, “Try to find not what the Lord has done for you, but what you have done for the Lord.”
Lillian pondered her statement for a minute. What could she have possibly done for God when she wasn’t even sure He existed?
But if He did exist . . .
Suddenly, it was as if every bad thing she’d ever done was rising to the surface and demanding to be heard. There was an inner conflict going on inside her head she didn’t understand. It was confusing.
“Grandma, I want so badly to feel a calmness inside. I want so badly to live a good life.” Her heart was heavy. “It’s just hard for me to understand why sometimes things happen the way they do.” She brushed away a tear.
“There, there, child,” Grandma said, again reaching over and Plain Perfect placing her hand atop Lillian’s. “Some things are just God’s will.”
There it was again: God’s will. That was the part she had the biggest problem with. “But I have doubts, Grandma. I have doubts, and I know that’s not right. How can I find God with all these doubts in my mixed-up mind?”
Grandma lifted Lillian’s chin up. “I think this is a very good start.”
As Samuel turned onto the dirt driveway leading up to Jonas and Irma Rose’s place, he’d made up his mind to stay only a few minutes. He’d say hello, talk briefly about church service, admire the flowers he knew she’d planted the day before, then be on his way. But all that changed when she met him at his buggy in the front yard. He didn’t think he’d ever seen a more fragile-looking creature
. Tears stained her rosy cheeks, and her eyes glazed over with emotion. Towering over his Englisch friend, he softly asked, “Lillian, what is it?”
She shook her head.
Idle chitchat wasn’t on her agenda. Something had her all awhirl. “Lillian?” he asked again.
“I’m sorry, Samuel,” she said, dabbing at her eyes.
“Did something happen?” Maybe Jonas had a bad spell. “Is it Jonas?”
“No, no.” She took another swipe at her eyes. “Just ignore me. I was having a talk with Grandma . . . a talk about God. I just got kind of emotional and a little upset.”
Wondering if this territory was best left alone, he asked, “What got you upset?”
“I have so many doubts about God, and I don’t have a relationship with Him. And I want to, Samuel. I really do. But I don’t know how to go about it.”
She was clearly waiting for answers. And he didn’t have any. It wasn’t his job to show Lillian the way to God. Unequally yoked. The phrase pounded away in his head. Missionary work was not part of the Amish way. Steering clear of nonbelievers in an intimate way—friendly or otherwise—was.
When he didn’t respond, she turned her back toward him.
“Lillian?” he asked, unsure what to say or do.
After a few seconds, she turned back around. “Let’s don’t do this,” she said after taking a deep breath. “I had a conversation with Grandma that got me thinking about things. About God. And then you got here. You just caught me during an emotional moment. Let’s talk about something else.”
“Ya,” he said relieved. They’d talk about something else for a short while, and then he was hightailing it home. He shouldn’t be there in the first place. The Englisch woman was mixed up, all right. She was a downright mess.
But a beautiful mess.
What a whiny baby. Lillian hardly knew the man and yet she had gotten teary in front of him twice. Once over a cow and now about her lack of faith. She frowned as he followed her to their spot on the side of the barn. From now on, cheery conversation was in order.
“Sadie didn’t acknowledge me at church service today,” she said without thinking first. Not exactly cheery conversation.
“She was jealous.” Samuel seemed to regret the comment the minute he said it. He glanced away when she met his eyes with a look of surprise.
“Really? Why would she be jealous? You and I aren’t courting.” She should have avoided empahsizing the word courting. He looked uncomfortable.
As silence formed a barrier between them, Samuel changed the subject. “The other evening we spent most of our time talking about life here. Tell me about yourself, Lillian. Tell me about your life before Lancaster County.”
She watched him place his straw hat on the stump nearby. His flattened hat hair did nothing to take away from his stunning looks. As she watched him stroking his beard, she tried to envision the face underneath. “What do you want to know?”
“Whatever you’re comfortable telling me.” He shrugged.
“Hmm, let’s see.” She’d made so many mistakes. Surely he didn’t want to hear about her failures. Better to focus on the positives in her life. “I was a teacher in Houston. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of children, help them see their potential and feel good about themselves. I love kids.”
“Well, David sure likes you.”
“He’s a great kid. You’ve done a good job with him.”
“Ya, he’s a gut boy. But, I can really only take credit for the past couple of years. Before that, I give credit to his mamm. After Rachel died, I’ve done the best I know how.”
She wanted to know more about Rachel. But before she could say anything, he said, “So tell me more.”
“I guess saying I’m a lost soul trying to find my way would sound a little dramatic.” She cringed and forced a half smile. “Less dramatic would be to say I needed to get away from my mother for a while, and I had a bad breakup with my boyfriend.” She paused and looked up to see him hanging on her words. “So I’m trying something new.”
“What happened with your boyfriend?” he asked.
This was veering away from the cheery conversation she’d hoped for earlier. She shrugged, unsure how much to tell Samuel. “Did you love him?”
“I thought I did.”
He was waiting for more. There was so much more. She hesitated, but the look on his face was kind and encouraging. “Rickie was great in the beginning. Very loving and kind.”
His eyes were intently focused on her, and she wished she could finagle her way out of this conversation. She’d make it brief so they could move on to something else. “Then he just changed.”
“What do you mean?”
Closing her eyes, she pushed the vivid details of her and Rickie’s last confrontation out of her mind. She was far, far away from him and didn’t want to dredge up the memories. “He just changed,” she repeated as she shook her head. “I should have never moved in with him.”
“You lived with him? And you weren’t married?”
“It was a horrible mistake. I should have never moved in with him,” she repeated. She meant it, but why all of a sudden did she feel like Samuel thought less of her with this confession?
She prepared herself for a turn in his attitude toward her, but he surprised her. “All of us make mistakes. God forgives us for those mistakes.” His tone was gentle and kind.
Lillian shook her head. “He wouldn’t forgive me, Samuel. I’ve made too many mistakes. I try to be a good person and live a good life, but I keep falling down. I’ve tried so hard not to make the mistakes my mother made. And yet, somehow, I let Rickie creep into my life. He wasn’t good for me.”
Samuel tilted his head to one side; she felt as though he was staring right through her. “Of course God would forgive you, Lillian. All you have to do is ask Him. The important thing is to get up when you fall down, and it sounds like you have.”
“You make it sound so easy, Samuel.”
In an unexpected gesture, he reached over and briefly patted her hand. “Maybe you should try it.”
Something was going on inside her. Something she couldn’t get a grasp on. All this talk about God and forgiveness stirred emotions inside that she wasn’t familiar with. Grandma and Samuel—both so solid in their faith . . . Maybe there was something to it all.
Suddenly she felt cheated out of whatever insight they both seemed to have.
“I can’t help but wonder how different my life might have been if Mom had just stayed and raised me here.” Would she be privy to the same strong faith Samuel and Grandma had? She cringed at the thought of some of the situations she and her mother had endured over the years.
“Do you know why your mamm left?”
“No, I don’t. Mom won’t talk about it, and I don’t think Grandma and Grandpa really know. I guess I’m looking for answers in several areas.”
“Where’s your father?” He balanced both elbows on his knees and leaned forward. Facing him, she did the same—putting their faces about a foot away from each other. As darkness closed in around them, she could see Samuel’s features illuminated with interest.
“I don’t know.” This was another painful subject. Somehow they’d gone offtrack in an effort to keep things upbeat.
“We don’t have to talk about this,” he said softly, as if sensing it caused her discomfort.
“It’s okay. I don’t know where my father is because I don’t know who my father is. Mom said she doesn’t know. But she’s lying. She does this thing with her eyes and nose when she’s lying.” She blinked repeatedly and crinkled her nose, to show him. “Like that.”
He smiled broadly, amused by her imitation, which lightened the mood.
“I know. It looks funny. But I’m telling you, that’s how I can tell she’s lying. I can recognize a lie immediately. I’ve heard plenty over the years.”
“It sounds like you had a hard childhood.”
“Let’s just say my mother wouldn�
�t have received the Mother-of-the-Year award.”
His bewildered gaze made her wonder if talking so intimately with him was a mistake. She’d probably shared too much about Rickie. And she’d barely touched on that painful part of her past. He probably had the perfect childhood. Great parents. A wonderful family. She, on the other hand, didn’t know who her father was, had duplicated her mother’s legacy by living with a man she wasn’t married to, and wasn’t even sure she believed in God.
“Parenting is a hard job.” He pushed back his windblown bangs and wiped his forehead. “So, if you weren’t really in lieb with Rickie, have you ever been truly in lieb?”
Samuel had a way of changing the subject when he felt it was time to move on. Where was he going with all this? And if they were just going to be friends . . . why was he so interested? “No, I don’t think I have,” she said, realizing it was heartbreakingly true. She looked at the ground.
“It’s a wunderbaar thing to be in lieb,” he said.
She looked up at him. He looked as if he were a million miles away, presumably with thoughts of Rachel. She couldn’t imagine losing someone so dear. Placing her hand atop his just felt very natural.
Samuel knew he was in dangerous territory. Somehow his plan to keep the visit brief and be on his way hadn’t panned out the way he intended. But the feel of her soft hand resting on his gave him comfort. Her touch ignited senses in him that he had buried along with Rachel. His blossoming friendship with Lillian was confusing. Wonderfully confusing.
Underneath the moonlit sky her face was radiantly aglow, as if the clouds parted solely for her benefit and bathed her in the magic of the night. He tried to put his apprehension at ease and just enjoy the moment. It had been a mighty long time since he’d felt this good. But as he attempted to bask in the present, visions of Rachel began to flash through his mind. How he’d loved her and missed her. The feel of her soft skin. Her passion for life.
Lillian had that same passion.
Scolding himself for comparing the women, he gently pulled his hand from underneath Lillian’s and sat up a little straighter, leaning away from her. Surely God would help him steer clear of such temptation. To hold hands, no matter how calming the effect, wasn’t right.
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