“Uh-huh.”
“She turned into a beauty.”
“I’m honestly not surprised.”
“Oh yeah. So she vowed she’d never be ridiculed again. And she got in with the fast sort of crowd. Dated a guy with a motorcycle, and to be honest, I couldn’t blame her. Xavier, he did a lot of things he shouldn’t have to her. If you get my drift.”
I nod.
“Of course, I did what I could to protect her, but I had to work and go to school and couldn’t be there all the time.”
“I saw Xavier not long ago.”
“Really? Where? On that river?”
“Yeah.”
“You went all the way out there to find us?”
I nod and the tears gush and I cannot contain them and in the middle of the Hamburger Hamlet, darn it, in front of Gary Andrews, darn it, I weep and I weep and I weep.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
* * *
Gary scoots next to me on my side of the booth and puts his arms around me.
And isn’t this rich? God, You are crazy. You know that?
* * *
I’ve finally calmed down. Gary has returned to his seat. We’ve ordered.
“Are you sure you don’t want something stronger than coffee?” he asks for the second time.
“No thanks. I’ve got to drive back.”
The waitress arrives with his soup.
“So do you mind finishing Mary’s story?”
“No, not at all. Anyway, she ended up dropping out of school, getting into drugs, just a mess, Heather. I mean, it’s the age-old story, you know. Some kids escape it unscathed and go on to live regular lives, and others never make it out.”
“How did she die?”
“She OD’d. I took her to Texas with me after I graduated, but she couldn’t kick the drugs. I honestly don’t think she meant to OD. She was wild, and maybe sometimes a little crazy, but never suicidal. Not Mary. She was determined to make up for lost time.”
“What about that neighbor? Wasn’t she there to guide her? Before you moved?”
“No. She died of cancer not long after Delores passed away. Mary was seventeen. I think that was something else that tore my sister apart. Some people never seem to get any breaks, right? Mary was one of those people.”
* * *
I drive too fast. Tears blur my vision, and I wipe them away with the back of my hand over and over. I call Laney.
“If salvation was all there is to it, perhaps God would just catch us up to heaven once we came to faith. It sure would seem easier that way.”
“But He doesn’t, Heather. That’s pretty well established.”
“So maybe we need to be there to give people those breaks. Not everybody seems to deserve it, and certainly, I don’t. But I got that break through my dad, through Jace, and now through so many others, right?”
“Right, Heather. Are you okay? Where are you?”
I tell her.
“Oh, my friend.”
Mary, Mary, where you going to?
Mary, Mary.
“But sometimes it’s just too late, isn’t it, Laney?”
Sometimes there’s no way amends can be made, mangled piles of frayed rope retwined. Sometimes life must remain fragile, and sometimes forgiveness, while always sought, cannot be achieved. Amends cannot be made.
Mary, I’m sorry.
I’m so, so sorry.
It’s all I can say. And nobody hears.
Do they?
Peace cannot be obtained. At least not about some things. Not here. Not now.
* * *
I pull off at the rest area on I-95 between Baltimore and DC, grab Will’s car sketchbook and a graphite pencil, and scribble a note. Half an hour later Mo lets me into the Hotel.
“Yo, Heather! Kinda late for you ladies to be out and about.”
I reach into Noah’s ark and pull out the letter. “Could you give this to Knox next time he comes in?”
He eyes the paper with suspicion, then takes it from my hand. “If you say so.”
“Sister J in?”
“She took herself an early night.”
“She deserves it. I’ll bet she sleeps like a rock, doesn’t she?”
“Oh yeah.”
The room is full. “Thirty-two degrees?”
“Just fell.”
“Good.”
I hurry back to the wagon, slide inside, and press down the lock button.
None of us really deserve forgiveness. Least of all Knox. Least of all me. But maybe in offering it to Knox, I’m giving Gary the greatest expression of gratitude for his own forgiveness I could possibly give.
Will would agree. Most definitely.
FORTY-SIX
At 5:00 a.m. Christmas morning the phone rings.
I lean across Jace and answer.
“It’s Krista, Miss Heather. I’m about to run away again. I’m about to use and I know it. I know all the signs. It seems I get to this point of getting my feet underneath me, and then I throw it all down the garbage chute.”
“I’m coming down to get you.”
“I’ll be ready.”
“Stay inside the Hotel until you see me pull up. And pack a nice amount of clothing.”
Jace touches my arm. “Would you like me to drive down with you? We’ll be back by seven. And we can open presents then.”
“Okay. I’ll leave a note for Will in case he wakes up and wonders where we are.”
* * *
Anna and Liza arrived around two for a big Christmas dinner. I left the sweet potato casserole and green beans up to Krista, and oh my goodness, she really can “throw down in the kitchen,” as Jimmy says.
I called Sister Jerusha and told her Krista was with us. She said, “Merry Christmas, doll. You’re a keeper. I still say I’m right about my God marks.”
Mercy.
A pile of presents stood at the ready for Krista when we got home. Will had opened up ours carefully, picked out the ones we thought Krista might like, and wrapped everything back up again. When I saw the watch Jace obviously bought for me glimmering against her dark skin, I was happier than I ever dared to hope. It only deserved to be blue-dotted because it sat on her arm.
And when I saw the look on Krista’s face, I thrilled. But when I saw the look on Jace’s and Will’s faces, I realized that God has big plans of grace and giving, shining light in the darkest of places, and my little family was being given the chance to be right there in the middle of it all. Could a Christmas get any merrier?
Bye-bye, house. Bye-bye, swim lessons and baseball. Bye-bye, tennis court and dinner out. Hello to so much more.
Perhaps some people can do both. Live high on the hill and down on the streets at the same time. But as Jace has always told me, “When you do something, Hezz, you dive in completely.”
Flannery drove Lark and Leslie up, and Will, the creep, got the Christmas stocking. Carmen called to wish us a Merry Christmas. Then Laney and even Olive and Betty. We were tried by fire, I guess, bound together and purified in some way. I love these women. I really do.
* * *
Will and I stand in the snow at the cliff over the loch, looking behind us every so often to watch our tracks fill up with the falling snow.
We both suddenly look at each other.
“Did you hear that?” I ask.
“What? Yes. Did you?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Mom, this is freaky. I heard a bell. I really did hear a bell.”
“Me too.”
We hold our gloves up to our faces and laugh.
“Did you really hear a bell?” I ask.
“No. But that doesn’t mean we can’t keep listening, does it?”
“Not at all, bud.” I tousle his hair, put my arm around him, and pull him close.
If we listen for the church bell, really listen, we hear it chiming all around us, all the time, in every place the breath of God blows through like a silent breeze.
My e
ars are ringing with its music.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Many thanks to Ami McConnell, Erin Healy, Rachelle Gardner, Claudia Cross, and Don Pape. Special thanks to Claudia Burney, who read the book in its original form and gave me the help I needed. And much gratitude to Ginny, Judy, Aaron, James, and Robbie at the Catholic Action Center, a ministry to the poor in downtown Lexington, Kentucky. Family and friends, of course: Lori, Jennifer, Chris, Marty, and Leigh; the good people of Communality who teach me the ways of Jesus and the ways of justice every day. As always, I appreciate my own family: Will, Ty, Jake, and Gwynnie. Here’s to surviving an incredibly difficult year together! I especially want to thank my friend Heather, who cheers us on in our crazy ways.
READING GROUP GUIDE
1. Heather is struggling through two major dramas in this book: coming to grips with her past and the evil she perpetrated against Gary and Mary Andrews; and grappling with her future as she seeks to understand what is important and what her role should be in this world. How are these two themes related, and why are they happening at the same time?
2. What is the significance of Heather’s flair for making cakes? Do you think Jace was right when he said she had “the gift of cake”?
3. Why did Heather get in the car and drive aimlessly around? Was she really aimless? What was she looking for?
4. How do Heather’s spending habits reflect any behaviors of your own? What do these habits tell us about ourselves? What do we really want?
5. Which characters in the book impacted you the most? Which did you like the most?
6. Which character reminds you the most of yourself, and why?
7. What scenes or lines did you find particularly powerful, and why? How do they relate to your own life?
8. Why does Heather feel so insecure about herself with Jace, even though he clearly loves her?
9. Heather struggles between loving her “stuff” and knowing somehow there must be more to life. How is this similar to any of your own struggles?
10. What do you think is the main theme of the book?
11. What did this book say to you about church? About the church as a whole? About following Jesus and doing as He modeled?
12. Anna and Liza are the kind of characters who make you wish you could meet them. What purpose did they serve in Heather’s life? Have you ever had anyone like them in your life?
13. Why is the character of Knox Dulaney so troublesome to Heather? What does he show us about ourselves?
14. This book is populated with a variety of interesting characters, including Sister Jerusha, Jolly, Lark, Laney, Carmen, Jace, and Will. How does each of these people contribute to Heather’s transformation?
15. Heather is so concerned about appearances that she doesn’t want to open up a salon for fear it wouldn’t “look right.” How does our concern about “what others think” keep us from pursuing our dreams and even following God’s will?
16. Working at a place like the Hotel can be dangerous and even life-threatening. Would you do what Heather did and keep working there, bringing along your children as well? Why or why not? Do you think God requires us to put ourselves in harm’s way in order to help where we’re needed?
17. Heather’s transformation began with her having thoughts and feelings that made her think she was going crazy. Have you ever had this happen to you or seen it happen in someone else? Why is it often true that when we really start listening to God, others may think we’ve gone nuts?
18. What do you think would have happened to Heather if she had not “coincidentally” found the Hotel? What might have happened in her marriage?
19. What was the significance of the church bell underwater? Why was it so sad for Heather to lose the idea of the bell ringing?
20. After reading this book, did you feel convicted or motivated to change your actions or habits in any way? What behaviors do you want to change? What do you think you really will change?
Lisa Samson is the award-winning author of twenty-six books including Quaker Summer, Christianity Today's Novel of 2008, and Justice in the Burbs, which she co-wrote with her husband, Will, a professor of Sociology. When not at home in Kentucky with her three children, one cat, and six chickens, she speaks around the country about writing and social justice, encouraging the people of God to “do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with God.” She loves nothing better than sitting around her kitchen table, talking with family and friends, old and new.
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