"Before you got here we decided we'd meet tomorrow morning," he chuckles. "I need to go to the bank first."
I shake my head as I turn towards the door. "I have to go. I'm going out of town for work tomorrow. Will you call me once you talk to her again?"
He's on his feet now too. "Where are you going? Why is Clive sending you out of town right now? Doesn’t he know that I need you here?"
I don't take any comfort in the words. Instead, a jolting reality takes hold of me. Caleb needs me here. The selfish parts of him want my friendship and comfort to help guide him through the emotions he's feeling because his brother disappeared soon after he had him arrested. "You don't need me here, Caleb. You have Gabriel."
"He doesn't understand me the way you do, Bell."
I loved when he called me that when we were children running up and down the street together trying to launch the kite I got on my birthday from my grandparents. He'd held his hand over mine on the string, pulling me along behind him as we floated the kite just a few feet above the quiet, tree-lined sidewalk. Now, hearing him say it, I'm reminded of that morning when he gave in to his desire for me.
"You're getting closer to finding Asher." I rest my hand on my hip. "I have to do this for work. I need to."
"What's wrong?" His hand reaches out towards me, but he stops it in mid-air. "You've been different since…"
I watch as his fisted hand falls to his side. I lick my bottom lip, wanting my words to portray a strong, unfazed woman. "I've been different since that morning at my apartment. The morning you touched me until I came."
His breath catches and his eyes lock on mine. "Yes. You've changed since then."
This is it. There are defining moments in every relationship. When I was with Tom it was when he told me that he'd rather get high than clean up so he could be a partner to me. With my last boyfriend it was the moment I realized that being away from him was more fulfilling than sitting in a room listening to him talk about himself endlessly. With Caleb, it's right now.
"Do you want me, Caleb? Do you want me in your life other than as a friend?"
The questions pull the air from his lungs. I can tell by the way his body sways forward and his breathing stalls. "What do you mean?"
It's a tactic that he's used since we were children. He'll ask for clarification so he can gather together his tangled thoughts. I've seen him use the approach with his brothers and parents. This is the first time he's ever done it with me.
I close my eyes briefly before I open them and lock eyes with him. "We almost had sex that morning in my apartment. I think we would have if you wouldn’t have taken that call. I'm asking you if you want it to happen. Do you want me? Do you want me in that way?"
He crosses his broad arms over his chest as he peers down at me. His lips move slightly before his tongue darts over them. "I think about fucking you all the time."
Chapter 28
I didn't see that coming. I thought he'd tell me that we can't be intimate because it would damage our friendship. I actually was counting on him saying that because I had my retort at the ready. In my mind Caleb was going to explain that he valued our friendship so highly that sacrificing it for a few minutes, or in Caleb's case an hour of pleasure, would be foolish. I imagined he'd kiss me on my forehead, tell me that I'd find a man who truly deserved me and usher me out of the library, past Ruby and into the night. At the last moment before he shut the door behind me, I'd turn around and tell him that he would never be good enough for me. It would have been a lie but it would have stung him. That entire made up scenario in my mind just went to hell.
Now, I'm staring at his face. I'm staring into the gorgeous face of the man I want to be with and I'm absorbing the fact that he just told me that he thinks about fucking me all the time.
"You think about it too, Bell." His index finger leaps to his lips. "You do, don't you?"
Um, hell yes I do. Morning, noon and night.
"Sometimes," I offer back. "I've thought about it."
"Tell me what you think about." He steps forward a touch, which causes me to instantly retreat a step back. "Tell me what you wanted to do that day."
I can't tell if he's pushing me because he wants me to drop to my knees so I can show him exactly what I wanted to do that day. I'm going to take the bait because a chance like this may never appear again and if I don't tell Caleb Foster exactly what I want, I'll wake up one morning twenty-five years from now next to a man who can't possibly own my pleasure the way Caleb will. "I wanted to feel you inside of me. I wanted to touch you and taste you."
He moves closer still, his expression shifting. "You mean you wanted me to fuck you. You wanted to suck on my cock."
The sheer rawness of his words pulls a blush from deep within me. "Yes. I mean that."
He leans down. He's close. He's so close that I can feel the feathery soft touch of his breath on my lips each time he exhales. "You wanted me to lick your pussy, didn't you, Rowan?"
I've never heard the word from any man I've been with before. It's always felt too intimate but now it pulls something from deep within me. My sex aches. "Yes."
"You wanted me to eat you until you screamed my name." He pushes a piece of my hair off my forehead. "Then you wanted me to flip you over so I could fuck you hard."
I know I should pull back so I can breathe but I'm frozen in place. "Caleb."
"I thought about it this morning." He brushes his soft lips against my cheek. "I stroked my cock thinking about sliding inside your tight, little pussy."
I'm so aroused I feel as though I could come just from listening to him talk. I don't say anything. I only lean forward hoping to feel the touch of his lips against mine.
"If I fuck you once, I won't be able to stop. I'll want it more. I'll never be able to give it up."
I look up into his dark eyes. "You don’t need to stop."
The pad of his thumb traces a path over my bottom lip. "I will destroy you, Rowan."
"You can't destroy me." I dart my tongue out to catch the tip of his thumb.
He looks down at my mouth, his own tongue licking his bottom lip. "I don't know how to love a woman. I will use you. I will hurt you. I will damage you in ways you don't understand."
"No." I shake my head slightly from side-to-side. "You're wrong."
"I'm right. I know myself. I'll hurt you. I'll ruin you."
"I'll risk it." I whisper before I close my eyes and press my mouth into his.
He groans into our kiss, his hands cupping my face. He tilts my head slightly so he can control the pressure of our lips against each other. A low moan escapes his body and floats into mine as his breath quickens.
I feel his erection pressed against me, straining against the fabric of his pants. My hand drops to his belt. I fumble briefly with it before I undo the clasp. Just as my fingers drop to his zipper, he pulls back from our kiss.
"Bell, Christ, please don't." His voice aches with the same desire I feel inside of me. "I can't want you like this. I can't do it."
I'm not one to throw myself at a man but when it's the one man I've always longed to be with, I'm willing to toss tradition out the window. "Let me taste you, Caleb. I want you to come in my mouth."
"Fuck." His lips brush over mine again. "I'm going to explode."
I push both my hands towards the front of his pants. I stroke his long, hard cock through the fabric. "I want this so much."
His hands leap to my face again. "One taste of you will ruin us both. I can't let myself hurt you."
"Caleb,'" I say his name softly as I pull back to look into his eyes. I want him. I've never wanted anything in my life more than I want him but I won't beg. His resistance is real. I not only hear it, but I feel it in his kiss and touch. "Tell me to go if you don't want me."
"It's not that simple." His hands press into my cheeks. "I want you so much. I crave you, Bell."
I try to break free of his touch but he holds steady, keeping his eyes locked on mine.
"I want to push
you against that wall and fuck you." He nods his chin towards the wall behind us. "I want to feel you around me. I want to be inside of you."
"Do it," I challenge. "Fuck me, Caleb."
"Shit." His hands fall from my face. "Don't say that. I can't hear that."
It shouldn't be this complicated. The man says he wants me. His body is screaming it and yet he keeps pulling back. "Tell me what you want."
"I want you," he says the words so quickly they meld together. "I want you."
"I'm right here." I smooth my hands over my chest. "You can have me right now."
The tortured look on his face speaks volumes to me before he even opens his mouth. He's fighting a battle within himself. It's a battle born from his desire for my body versus his need for my friendship. "I need you so much. You mean everything to me. I try to control it but sometimes I can't. Today… now… I just couldn't stop but I have to."
I feel the tears barreling through me before they hit my eyes. I wipe my face hoping that will quiet the pain that I feel over the stark realization that regardless of how much he wants me, he'll never take me. "You don't want to make love to me, do you, Caleb?"
I cringe at the shaky sound of my own voice as I say the words. They sound pitiful and hopeless. They're the words of a woman who wants a man so much that she's willing to trade every ounce of her self-worth just to crawl into bed with him. That's not who I am. It's never been who I am.
He bites his bottom lip as he rubs his hand over the back of his neck. "You are the only woman I want to make love to. You're also the only friend I have. I can't risk losing that. I can't."
I can't find words to say in response. I just stare at him wishing I had followed my better judgement and gone home after seeing Gabriel.
"I destroy the people I love." He inhales sharply. "I caused my parent's divorce, I almost ruined Asher's life, I've damaged my relationship with Gabriel and I broke Vena completely. I can't do that to you."
Hearing him say Vena's name jars something within me. It pulls me back to the time when they got engaged and the hope that was there in his eyes. I haven't seen that again. It's gone just as that uncontrollable feeling of desire for him that owned my body not more than five minutes is gone. "I need to go. I need some space. Time, maybe… I can't be your friend right now."
He doesn't respond. There's no effort to stop me as I pick up my purse and walk away.
Chapter 29
"If Libby didn't need me here, I'd be on that plane with you." Graham rummages through my dresser drawer. "I like this one. You should take it."
I turn to see him holding a very small white bikini top in his hand. "I haven't worn that in years. I doubt that I'd fit into it now."
"It's perfect then." He smiles broadly as he fishes the matching bottoms from the depths of the drawer. "There are all kinds of single men in the Hamptons at this time of year. You can dazzle them with your body in this."
"I'll more likely be flashing them my body if I wear that." I nod towards the drawer. "There's a black one piece in there that I'll take."
"Like hell you will," he snaps back. "It's bikinis only. I've seen you naked, Rowan. Damn, you're fine."
I arch a brow as I turn my head to look directly at him. "You've never seen me naked."
"I have," he counters. "You were walking around the apartment in the buff one day when you thought I was out. I saw it all."
I blush from the knowledge that he saw me completely nude. "That makes everything awkward."
He throws back his head in laughter. "It does not. Your body does nothing for me. Nothing."
I reach forward to kiss his forehead. "I really needed this. I'm glad you came home early."
"Me too." He folds a white cardigan before placing it in the small suitcase that's opened on my bed. "After being clit teased like that, you need to blow off some steam."
I smile softly. "Clit teased? Is that what we're going to call it?"
"I call it like I see it." He holds up a peach colored blouse. "Do you want to take this?"
I shudder at the sight of that. "Throw that one in the donation pile. My mother sent me that last year as a birthday gift. I told her once, when I was seven-years-old, that peach was my favorite color. She's never forgotten."
"Moms make it their job to remember things like that." He tosses the shirt onto a small pile of clothes on the floor. "When is she coming to visit? I can't wait to meet her."
"She usually comes around the holidays." I hold up a navy blazer. "Do you think I need to take this?"
"I think you can get away with a skirt and blouse for the meeting or," he begins before he marches across the room to my walk-in closet. "I'd wear this to the meeting if I was you, or if I was a woman."
I glance up at the light blue dress he's holding in his hand. "I like that one. How did you know I had that? I don't think I've worn it since you've moved in."
"I pick up your dry cleaning sometimes." He pulls the dress from the hanger before rolling it neatly and placing it in the suitcase. "I checked out your wardrobe."
"I like that," I whisper. I do like it. I like having someone close who wants to take care of me. It's not that I'm not completely capable of taking care of myself. I am, but the knowledge that someone is there, to pick up my dry cleaning or help me pack, means a lot to me.
"We can talk about Caleb." He doesn't look up from the suitcase. He's busying his hands with moving the articles of clothing around to make more room. "I know it stings."
What happened in Caleb's apartment doesn’t just sting. It bites through to my core. I'd taken the subway back to my place after I'd left his building. I'd texted Ivy first wanting to melt into the arms of my best friend. I needed an outlet and listening to her talk about her family and what's going on in her shop, would have stolen my thoughts away from Caleb. It may have only been a temporary escape, but that's all I need.
She hadn't responded so I'd called Graham who was out for dinner with a friend of Libby's. I'd insisted he not hurry home but when he heard the brittle emotion in my voice, he promised he'd be waiting in our apartment, with chocolate and a shoulder to lean on.
"He wanted me." I feel a blush race over my face when I say the words. "I'm not being egotistical, Graham. I mean he said he wanted to fuck me."
His chin dips up so our eyes meet. "You told him that you wanted him too?"
"I did," I mutter wishing with everything that I am, that I hadn't. "I thought it was my chance to be brutally honest so I put it all out there."
"Put it all out there?" He straightens, resting his hand on his hip. "What exactly did you say to him?"
When I said those intimate words to Caleb it came from a place of desperate want. I'd never once blatantly told a man I wanted to suck his cock. I've never used the word 'fuck' with a man either. I haven't hidden my longing for the men I've been with, but it's always been shielded behind a veil of timidity. The thought of letting all of my inhibitions loose was tempered in the past by the knowledge that I'd have to face the man the next day. With Caleb it's different. I wasn't ashamed of my primal desire for him. I owned it and look what it got me.
"Rowan?" Graham rifles through my drawer pulling out a pair of silver earrings. "I'll put these in the side pocket. You'll remember they're there, right?"
I nod sheepishly. "I told him I wanted to suck him off and that I wanted him to…you know…I just went for it and told him I wanted him to fuck me."
Both of his brows pop up as he leans back against the dresser, crossing his legs at the ankle. "You're telling me that you threw yourself at him, while you were wearing that killer dress and the man turned you down?"
"You're making me sound pathetic," I say half-jokingly. "He wanted me. I could tell that he did but he kept talking about our friendship and hurting me."
"You think it was just an excuse? Do you honestly think he made that up to avoid having sex with you?"
It's so straightforward and simple that I have to stop and think about my answer. "I thi
nk he believes that he'll hurt me if we cross the line from friends to lovers. Caleb needs me as a friend."
He scratches the top of his head, which causes his hair to fall down into his eyes. He brushes it away with a swipe of his hand. "If a guy tells you straight up that he's bad news, you have to believe him. Stay away from him, Rowan. If he says he'll hurt you, he means it."
Chapter 30
I rest my head into the uncomfortable airport lounge chair as I reread the text message conversation I just had with Gabriel. After Graham had helped me pack, he'd given me a sweet kiss on the cheek and literally tucked me into bed last night. I woke at six to find a note on the kitchen table from him. He'd prepared a fruit salad for me to take with me and there was a car service waiting outside the building to whisk me to the airport. If I didn't consider Graham a close friend before last night, all of that has shifted.
I'd texted Gabriel in the car to tell him that I was taking him up on the offer to stay at the Foster house in the Hamptons for the weekend. I was mildly surprised when he texted me back immediately. My own sleep has been sporadic since Asher's been missing so I'm not shocked that Gabriel was wide awake just after six. He promised me he'd let me know the minute he hears from Asher and I made the same promise in return.
I open my email and scroll down the list of new messages. The majority are work related and given the short duration of the flight, I know that I won't have time to answer any of them when I'm in the air. I forward a trio of the urgent ones to Clive, along with a text asking him to reply to them as soon as he gets them.
I scroll back to my text messages and swipe my thumb down to Asher's name. I type out a short message telling him I miss him and I'll be away for a few days but he can call at any time. I stare at the screen willing the new message icon to pop up but there's nothing. Asher still isn't responding and even though I'm clinging tightly to the notion that he's fine and has tucked himself away so he can deal with whatever has pulled him down, I know that sooner or later I'm going to have to face the reality that he may not come back, or he may be unable to. It's too soon to think that yet though and for this weekend at least, I'm going to believe he's healthy, safe and thinking about coming home.
Chance Page 10