“I don’t know.” She shook her head and shrugged helplessly. “I haven’t thought that far ahead. Maybe to Liz and Dave’s?”
“Anna, no! What are you thinking? That’s three hundred miles from here! I couldn’t get that much time off from the agency—not now with the trade show coming up and the new Bryant account.”
“I didn’t think you’d go with me,” she said quietly.
The meaning of her words sank in, and he exploded. “Anna, I am not going to be without you for four months!” To her surprise, his voice broke, and tears sprang to his eyes. “I am not going to send you away like…like an unwed teenager. That’s no solution at all! What would I tell people? No, Anna! I won’t have that. I won’t let you go!” He put a fist to his mouth.
His agony broke her heart, and she put her face in her hands. He reached for her across the car’s console, and she fell into his arms. They held each other and wept.
And in the sweltering heat of August, in a nondescript parking lot in Chicago, they both realized that, despite their protests, they had been given their answer.
And for a season, that answer would wrench them from each other’s arms and would test their love as it had never been tested.
Chapter 13
Anna let the phone ring at the other end for the tenth time before she finally hung up. She’d been trying to reach Emma all weekend. They’d had lunch together just last Wednesday, and Anna didn’t remember her friend mentioning any weekend plans. But she only had Emma’s home phone number, so no other way to reach her. Now, on Sunday evening, darkness was just beginning to silhouette Chicago against a purple August sky, and Anna was feeling desperately lonely.
She wandered aimlessly through the house, picking up half-read books and magazines, then putting them down before she’d comprehended a single paragraph.
Paul had flown to Cincinnati on business yesterday morning, and he wouldn’t arrive back in the city until Tuesday afternoon. With the realization that they were soon facing a long separation, they’d parted with a mutual melancholy that contradicted the short run-of-the-mill business trip. Paul had called her from Ohio three times already. Ordinarily, Anna hated long-distance conversations with him. He was usually all business on the phone—calling only to check in, not for chitchat—and she always hung up feeling a bit depressed and slighted. But this weekend their conversations had been filled with whispered endearments. Paul had reassured her of his love over and over. He’d complimented her and flirted with her as he had when they’d first fallen in love. She would have loved it had their situation been different.
Most times she almost looked forward to these short weekends of solitude. It was nice to have a few days free from any schedule but her own. Now, she felt a little lost without her husband. She picked up the phone again and dialed Emma.
On the fourth ring, Emma’s low voice came across the line. “Yes? Hello?” She sounded out of breath.
“Oh, good. You’re home.”
“Anna! I just walked in the door.”
“I know. I’ve been trying to call you all weekend.”
“Oh?” There was concern in Emma’s voice. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m just lonesome. Paul won’t get home until Tuesday afternoon, and I was just wanting somebody to talk to. Is this a bad time?”
“Land sakes, no. I was hoping somebody would call so I could relive my weekend.” She laughed.
“Relive? Sounds interesting. So tell me about this incredible weekend.” Anna played along with Emma’s playful hinting. Already she could feel her spirits lifting at the sound of her friend’s voice.
“I decided on the spur of the moment to drive up to New Haven to see the kids. We had such a great weekend. And the weather was perfect.” Emma chuckled, almost to herself. “That little Justin! He is just the cutest thing on the face of God’s green earth.”
“Sounds to me like a proud grandma talking,” Anna teased.
“I’ll have you know I am not one bit prejudiced. Someday I’ll introduce you to that child, and then you’ll see what I mean, girl.”
Anna smiled as the dialect of Emma’s girlhood crept into her voice. She always felt privileged when Emma slipped into the familiar, endearing jargon with her. Anna knew that it signified a good-natured, teasing intimacy, and a trust that was precious to her.
Emma recounted her trip to the small Indiana town—a suburb of Fort Wayne—where Tanya and Daniel lived. She related her three-year-old grandson’s latest antics, and Anna laughed as much at Emma’s telling of them as at the anecdotes themselves. It felt so good to share genuine amusement.
Emma’s laughter trailed off, and her voice softened. “So how are you doing, Anna? Really?”
Anna told Emma of the decision she and Paul had made.
“I know I haven’t really dealt with the fact that I’ll have to go away. I’m not even sure where I’ll go. I’d thought at first about my sister’s. Liz and Dave live in St. Louis, but they have a ten-year-old son, and it just doesn’t seem fair to subject him to all of our drama. And, of course, we want our situation to be confidential. I suppose there’ll be no getting around telling our families eventually, but I don’t want to be a burden to them. All I know for sure is that I can’t stay here. Paul…Paul isn’t taking that part of it too well. He—” Her voice broke. She missed him so much in just two days. How were they ever going to survive a separation of several months? She swallowed hard and went on. “He knows there’s really no other answer, but, of course, that doesn’t make it any easier.”
“Oh, Anna. I can only imagine how difficult this must be. You are so blessed to have a husband like Paul. You two are strong together, and I know you’ll make it. But my heart goes out to you. I’ll be praying for you—both of you—every minute.”
“I know you will. Thank you.”
“What can I do? You know I want to help.”
“Emma,” Anna said abruptly. “There is something I would really like your help with.”
“Anything. You know I mean that.” Emma waited, her silence rife with curiosity.
Anna attempted to be businesslike now, keeping the emotion from her voice. “Do you think Tanya would be comfortable talking with me about their experience with open adoption? Paul and I feel that is definitely the route we want to take, but I don’t know where to begin. I thought maybe Tanya could at least give us a place to start.”
“I’ll call her tonight,” Emma said decisively. “Daniel and Tanya are both very straightforward about Justin’s adoption, and I feel certain she’ll be more than willing to talk with you. I think she has a couple of books on the subject, too. Would you like me to have her send those?”
“I’ll take anything I can get. Thank you. And thanks for keeping me company tonight.”
“Hey, it was real torture having to tell you all about how cute my grandson is,” Emma teased.
“I’ll remember that the next time you start bragging, Grandma!”
Anna hung up with a smile. How would she have ever made it through this ordeal without this friend God had put in her life?
Two hours later she’d just crawled into bed when the phone rang. She picked up the receiver, expecting to hear Paul’s voice on the other end.
“Anna, I hope I didn’t wake you?” It was Emma.
“No, I just turned in.” She thought she heard excitement in Emma’s voice, and she waited expectantly.
“I called Tanya tonight to ask her to send those books?” Her inflection made the statement a question.
“Yes?”
“I don’t know why I didn’t think of this when I talked to you before, but… well, just listen to this…” Excitement rose in Emma’s voice. “Daniel and Tanya have an apartment in their basement that they rent out to college students. It just so happens that the girl who was staying with them dropped out of school and moved back home last month. They were going to use the time before next semester to do some painting and repairs. But when I told them about your
situation, they offered for you to come and stay in the apartment.”
“Oh––” Could it be that easy?
“It was their idea, Anna, and they both were immediately enthusiastic about it.” Emma hesitated. “I hope you won’t take this wrong, but Tanya and Daniel have been financially supporting a crisis pregnancy center ever since Justin was born. They have been praying for a more tangible way to be involved, and…I guess usually I think of crisis pregnancies involving young unmarried teenagers, and I don’t want to make you feel like a charity case, but— Oh, for heaven’s sake, Anna… I’m afraid I’m sticking my foot in my mouth from here to Sunday. I hope I’m not making it sound like—-”
“It’s okay, Emma,” Anna interrupted, trying to put her friend at ease. “I certainly think my pregnancy fits in the crisis category.”
Emma sighed, then hurried on to tell Anna more about the offer. “Daniel and Tanya feel that it would be a small way they could return the blessing of Justin’s adoption. And he’s still young enough that an explanation about your situation won’t be a problem like it would be with your nephew.” She stopped abruptly. “I’m sorry. I haven’t given you a chance to get a word in edgewise. What do you think?”
“I’m overwhelmed. I’m not sure what to think. But––it sounds perfect. Of course, I’ll have to talk it over with Paul. How far is New Haven from here?”
“About a hundred and seventy-five miles. It takes me just under three hours to get there. I know that must sound like halfway across the world, but it’s really not a bad drive. Paul could drive up on the weekends. The apartment is really small––just one bedroom––but it’s fixed up real cute and it’s already furnished. I think the sofa in the living room is a sleeper, so there’d even be room for your daughters to stay if they came to visit.”
“Oh, Emma, this sounds like an answer to prayer. I’ll talk to Paul tomorrow and let you know as soon as possible.”
“There’s no rush. You take your time. I know it’s a big decision, and like I said, they weren’t going to rent it out until next semester anyway. Well, I won’t keep you, but I was just too excited to wait till morning.”
“Thank you. Thank you so much, Emma.”
She turned out the light and whispered a prayer into the darkness.
When Paul walked through the door Tuesday afternoon, Anna rushed into his arms and they greeted each other as though he’d been gone for a year. She thought wryly of the many times she’d wished for a little more passion, a little more romance in their marriage. Now she yearned for things to get back to normal—longed to get off this roller coaster of emotions and back to the luxury of taking each other for granted.
While Paul unpacked his bags, she sat on the side of the bed and told him about Emma’s phone call and the offer of a place to stay in Indiana. “It’s far enough away that I wouldn’t have to worry about running into anyone I know, but it’s close enough that you could visit often. I really think it’s an answer to prayer, Paul.”
As she recounted the details, she watched him hopefully, half expecting him to dismiss the suggestion without consideration. But instead, he listened intently to the details she gave him, interrupting with questions that seemed to indicate his openness to the offer.
Finally, he put the empty luggage in the back of the closet, sat down beside her on the bed, and drew her into his arms.
“Anna, I’ve fought the idea of your going away.” He hung his head, as though composing his thoughts carefully. When he finally spoke, there was resignation but strength, too, in his voice. “You are such a part of me, and I didn’t see how I could ever bear to let you go away—especially under these circumstances. But God dealt with me while I was in Cincinnati in a way I’m not sure I can explain. He gave me peace about giving you up for these few months, about you being able to get along without me for a while. I guess I’d like to think that you truly couldn’t live without me.” He gave a sheepish smile.
“Oh, Paul.” She put her arms around his neck. “I don’t want to be without you for even one day. You know that.”
“I do know, babe. But I also realize that God’s grace is sufficient to sustain us both, and I know this offer of an apartment is confirmation of that.” He hugged her so tightly it left her breathless. Then, his voice faltering, he whispered, “Anna, I will miss you with everything that is in me, but I think this is God’s answer, and I won’t fight it.”
He tipped her chin, turned her face to meet his gaze and, with an attempt at lightheartedness, told her, “We have a date every weekend. Do you understand? Don’t make any other plans.”
She laughed through her tears, and the baby in her womb stretched and somersaulted as if to remind her of his presence.
Chapter 14
Two weeks before Anna was to go away, she and Paul drove together to New Haven to meet Daniel and Tanya Walker and to work out the details of the arrangement.
The Walkers lived on the outskirts of town in one of the city’s newer developments. Anna liked Tanya immediately and marveled at how like her mother the young woman was. Taller and slimmer than Emma, Tanya had her mother’s flawless coffee-colored complexion and the same warm friendliness in her dark eyes. For the first time, Anna realized that she would miss Emma almost as much as she would miss Paul. She was glad for the tie to her friend that Tanya and Daniel provided, and she hoped Emma would visit often in the weeks to come.
Daniel Walker was a quiet man, but as introductions were made, Anna sensed his warmth. He extended a well-muscled arm and grasped first her hand and then Paul’s in a friendly welcome. Emma had told them that Daniel was in his mid-thirties, but his wiry black hair was painted with glints of premature gray, giving him the appearance of a slightly older man.
Justin Walker was every bit as adorable as his grandmother claimed. He had a sturdy little body and a head full of tight black curls. He reminded Anna of a little man with his polite grown-up greeting. But his bright, dark eyes held a glint of mischief, which Paul easily coaxed out of him while they sat drinking iced tea on the deck in the Walkers’ rambling backyard.
Paul reached out and, unseen by the little boy, quietly caught a fat June bug that had been buzzing loudly against the back screen door. When Justin turned his way, Paul held the bug out between his fingers. “Well, look at this, Justin. I must be lucky, I got a bug in my tea.” Hiding the bug in his palm, he noisily pretended to eat it, smacking his lips as though it were the tastiest treat ever. It was a prank he had delighted his own daughters with when they were small, and Justin’s reaction didn’t disappoint him. The dark eyes grew wide, and his mouth dropped open. He looked questioningly at his dad, but Daniel played along with the joke.
“Didn’t Mom put a June bug in your drink?” he asked his son. “Tanya,” he chided, winking at Anna, “you forgot to give Justin a bug in his juice.”
Tanya just smiled and shrugged apologetically.
“Well, here,” Paul said, holding out the original bug to the little boy. “I’ll share with you. Looks like I got two.”
Justin shook his head skeptically, seeming not quite sure how to take this teasing stranger. Then, to everyone’s amazement, the toddler plucked the squirming bug from Paul’s hand, and before anyone could react, he put his pudgy hand to his mouth and did a perfect imitation of Paul’s fake bite. The real bug buzzed back to the screen while Justin smugly chewed on a crunchy pretend insect. The adults howled with laughter. Justin just stood there grinning, enjoying his little triumph of one-upmanship.
When the evening ended, Daniel walked his guests to their car. Tanya had said her goodbyes earlier and taken Justin off to get ready for bed. Paul stood in the driveway and extended a hand to Daniel. The younger man took it firmly in his own.
“I can’t tell you what this means to us, Daniel,” Paul said with emotion.
“Hey, man, we’re happy to be able to help. I… I have to tell you,” he stuttered self-consciously, “we… we really admire what you and your wife are doing. Not many
people would go through with this the way you are—not in this day and age.” Daniel looked at the ground, seeming embarrassed at his own words of tribute.
The uncomfortable moment was broken by Justin’s little voice calling across the yard. “G’bye, you guys.”
They turned to see him, barefoot and pajamaed, waving gaily from the front porch. Tanya waved one last time before scooping her son up and carrying him back into the house.
As they started the long drive home, Anna thought what a blessed distraction the little boy would be for her in the coming weeks.
Anna put off packing until the last possible minute. It hardly seemed real that she was going to pack her bags, get in the car with her husband, and not return to this house— their house—for several months. It was even more difficult to think that Paul would return without her.
Thoughts of what life would be like in New Haven, fears of being apart from Paul, and trying to remember all the little details that needed to be taken care of—appointments to cancel, filling the freezer for Paul, writing lists and instructions for this man who’d never had to know how the washing machine worked or where the extra light bulbs were stored—all served to help Anna put out of her mind the reason she was going away.
Tanya had recommended an ob-gyn in New Haven, and Anna instructed Dr. Blakeman’s office to transfer her medical records to the clinic there. Aside from that small detail, she had put the pregnancy—especially the decisions that needed to be made in order to go ahead with the adoption— out of her mind temporarily. She simply couldn’t deal with all of it at once.
Too quickly the days of August passed, and the day they’d set for her departure arrived. Paul helped her pack, and when she began to close the bags and assemble them near the back door, he carried each one out to the garage, methodically packing them into the back of his SUV. Anna watched him soberly.
She thought back to Kassi’s tearful goodbye the week before. Kassi had come home for a long weekend before starting back to school. They made plans for her to visit Anna while she was in New Haven, and it helped to have the date to look forward to. Kara, Anna feared, would not come.
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