How will I endure the separation? Her throat tightened, and tears sprang to her eyes. Quickly she turned her head to gaze, unseeing, out her window so that Paul wouldn’t see her weeping. They’d shed too many tears together in the past months. She didn’t want to waste these last precious hours together on crying.
Paul turned the car off the interstate, and soon Highway 30 stretched endlessly before them.
Chapter 15
They arrived in New Haven just before dark. The houses on the Walkers’ winding streets were not large or ostentatious, but they were stylishly designed, and with lawns and landscaping now established, the neighborhood gave the appearance of moderate affluence.
After a short visit with Tanya Walker, Paul and Anna walked around to the apartment, and Paul unlocked the door. The faint smell of fresh paint wafted through the open door, and Anna saw that the entire apartment had been repainted since they had first looked at it.
Despite being in a basement, the space was bright and modern. The architect had designed the windows of the Walkers’ basement apartment to allow in as much light as possible, and the pale freshly painted walls and beige carpeting reflected and multiplied the light.
The kitchen was open to the living room, with a small dining area to one side. The single bedroom and the bathroom were down a short hallway at the end of the living room.
The furniture was well-worn but tastefully upholstered and in good repair. Paul helped Anna put the few dishes and kitchenware in place, and together they made up the bed with the brightly patterned linens she had brought from home. She would be very comfortable here. Comfortable…and desperately lonely.
Paul sat down on the freshly made bed and pulled her down beside him. She bit her lip and fought for control as he gently took her hands in his, caressing her fingers, wordlessly tracing her wedding rings with his own slender fingers. She knew he was saying goodbye.
Anna looked up at him through wavering tears and saw that his own eyes were brimming. He took her into his arms, his embrace expressing what words could not. They stayed that way for long minutes.
Finally, he held her at arm’s length and looked into her eyes. “I love you, Anna.” Such simple words—three syllables they’d spoken many times a day for more than twenty years. But never had there been such meaning, such emotion behind their utterance.
He tipped her chin toward his face, his tone an attempt at lightheartedness. “Let’s not say goodbye. I’ll see you this weekend, okay? Is it a date?”
She couldn’t speak. She only nodded and tried to smile.
Arm in arm, they walked to the door of the apartment. Paul kissed her gently and then crushed her to him. Too soon, he tenderly pushed her away and opened the door.
She touched his cheek one last time. “Drive carefully,” she said, in her own attempt to make this moment seem less formidable. Then she closed the door behind him.
She heard his tires crunch on the gravel outside the high basement window, and she leaned her head against the door and sobbed.
When the sun broke through the sheer curtains in Anna’s bedroom the next morning, she squinted and looked around the room, trying to remember where she was.
Above her, she heard the thuds of Justin’s little feet padding across the bare wood floor. It was a strangely comforting sound. She lay in bed, mulling over the events of the day before and contemplating her new life in Indiana. She felt relief that the goodbyes were over and the move had been made. In many ways, the apprehension over her impending separation from Paul had been worse than the actual event. Still, she couldn’t help thinking about her husband and worrying about how he was faring without her.
She imagined him back in Chicago. He would be up and getting ready for work about now. She worried that he wouldn’t remember how the coffee maker worked, that he would forget that the toast would burn unless he turned the setting to “light.” Had she remembered to leave orange juice in the refrigerator, or would he need to thaw a can from the freezer? She shook her head and laughed wryly to herself. She was being ridiculous. He was a grown man, perfectly capable of taking care of himself. And she’d left a volume of notes and instructions. If he ruined his breakfast, he would just hit the donut shop on his way to work.
Shaking off her anxieties, Anna threw back the covers and headed for the bathroom. She was determined to use her time in New Haven productively. There were lawyers to confer with, a hopeful young couple to seek out. She intended to remove her emotions from the process and begin the task of finding a mother and father for her baby…no, not her baby, the baby. She needed to remain objective.
She showered quickly and brewed coffee to go with the muffins that Tanya had left on the kitchen counter for her. She was grateful for Tanya’s thoughtfulness. Anna had brought a few staples with her from home, but she would need to stock the refrigerator before she could make a single meal. But it had been late when Paul left yesterday, and she hadn’t wanted to waste their last minutes together shopping for groceries. But now, without a vehicle, shopping would be difficult.
Paul had suggested that she bring her car to New Haven, but she’d resisted the idea, not wanting to make the trip by herself or sacrifice their last hours together driving separate vehicles. The nearest taxi was miles away in Fort Wayne, and though New Haven did have bus service, it existed mostly for commuters to Fort Wayne and wasn’t convenient for simple errands around the smaller town. She should have listened to Paul. She would check into rental car rates later on. She would need transportation.
While she nibbled at the muffins, she made a list of things she needed to accomplish: contact the lawyer Daniel worked for, shop for groceries, set up an appointment with the new doctor, call the car rental company, write to the girls and her parents.
She looked at the list spelled out in her neat precise printing and felt a sense of satisfaction and purpose. She would keep busy and make the best of the solitude that had been imposed upon her.
A cheerful “I love you” e-mail from Paul was waiting on her laptop and chased the remainder of gloom away. She could do this. And with God’s help, she would.
Three days later, Anna realized with dismay that every item on her to-do list had been crossed off, and she found herself with a full day stretching before her and nothing to do. Even the stack of books she’d brought had mostly been read, and those that hadn’t held no interest for her.
She wandered restlessly around the apartment, cleaning things that were already spotless, plumping pillows again and again, picking up a book to try again, but then somehow not comprehending the few paragraphs she scanned. She thought she would go crazy with boredom.
She was actually looking forward to the middle of the month when she had appointments with the Walkers’ lawyer and with her new doctor in Fort Wayne. She lived for the weekend, when Paul would come.
Anna was determined not to become an annoyance to Tanya and Daniel, but the young couple seemed to go out of their way to include Anna in the family’s activities.
Several times when they were grilling meat on the deck, they insisted that Anna join them for supper. They also invited her to ride with them to church on Sunday, but Anna declined, knowing Paul would still be here. Besides, she was showing quite obviously now, and she wasn’t sure she could bear the stares and questions of well-meaning people simply trying to make visitors to their church feel welcome.
Anna delighted in little Justin, and the three-year-old seemed to take to her just as quickly. He remembered Paul from the Marquettes’ first visit and recounted the bug-eating incident to Anna time and time again. She loved this silly remembrance of Paul and laughed genuinely with each telling of the little boy’s story.
One evening when she discovered that Tanya was having trouble finding a baby-sitter for the evening, she eagerly offered to watch Justin for them.
“Oh, Anna, I couldn’t ask you to do that,” Tanya protested.
“Nonsense! I would love to watch him for you. My social calendar isn�
��t exactly overflowing these days,” she said wryly. “Please. This is one small way I can repay all your kindness to me. And besides, I would really love the company.”
“Well, if you’re sure…”
“Absolutely,” Anna assured her.
The evening flew by, and she felt a sense of fulfillment at being able to help out.
Justin was an adorable little boy, unspoiled and well-disciplined, but ornery enough to keep things interesting, too.
When it got too dark to play outside she and Justin made chocolate chip cookies together in the Walkers’ cheery kitchen. Justin sat on the counter, sneaking a finger full of cookie dough every time Anna turned away to search the cupboards for another ingredient. It reminded her of when the girls were small. Kara and Kassi had always loved to help her bake. As it always did, the thought of Kara brought a wave of sadness over her. She wondered what her daughter was doing tonight.
When the last batch of cookies was cooling on the counter, Anna helped Justin into his pajamas and tucked him into the low bed.
“Good night, buddy. Thanks for letting me help you with the cookies.”
“You’re welcome. I did good, didn’t I?”
“You sure did. I think those are some of the best chocolate chip cookies I’ve ever eaten.”
“Me too! Maybe Mommy will let me have some for breakfast.”
Anna laughed. “I wouldn’t count on that, but I bet you can have one after lunch tomorrow.” She tucked the blankets around him. “You’d better get to sleep or I’ll be in trouble for letting you stay up so late.”
“Nah, Mommy wouldn’t care.”
“Well, just the same, you better go to sleep now.”
He stuck his lower lip out, but the yawn that followed told her he was sleepy.
“Okay,” he said through another yawn. “G’night, Anna.”
She turned out the light and started to pull the door shut.
“Anna?”
“What, honey?”
“Do you have a little boy?”
She came back into the room and knelt beside his bed. “No, but I have two little girls. Except they’re not little anymore. They grew up and went away to college.”
“Oh. Do you miss them?”
“I sure do.”
“They could come and live down the stairs with you.” Justin always referred to Anna’s apartment as “down the stairs.”
She smiled and patted his cheek. “That’s nice of you to offer, honey, but they both have their own apartments.”
“Well, then you should get another kid.”
Anna swallowed hard. “How about if I just borrow you once in a while?”
“Okay,” he said, as if that settled it. He stretched and burrowed deeper. Anna patted the blankets over him again.
In the days that followed, she looked for excuses to offer her baby-sitting services. Tanya always protested and tried to pay Anna for her time, but Anna finally convinced her that it was she who owed them the favor.
Justin squealed with delight whenever he saw Anna, and the toddler’s devotion to her did wonders for her spirits. Anna always had a funny “Justin” story to tell Paul when he called or Skyped. It was wonderful to have something to laugh about together.
Paul sent her sweet text messages throughout the day and called every evening. Anna sometimes felt homesick and depressed after she hung up from talking to him, but it was good to hear his voice and share her thoughts and her day with him.
She knew he bore the burden of secrecy surrounding her absence. Just before she’d moved to Indiana, they’d finally told John and Brenda the whole story. They knew they could trust their friends to keep this confidence, and it comforted Anna to know Paul had someone to confide in—someone who knew the truth.
But they’d told everyone else merely that she was visiting friends in Indiana. Now that Daniel and Tanya had indeed become dear friends, it didn’t seem like a lie.
One evening while they Skyped, Paul confided, “I may as well tell you… I’m afraid people are drawing the wrong conclusions about your extended visit. Apparently the rumor is going around that our marriage is in trouble.”
“What makes you say that?” They’d discussed that possibility when they decided to keep Anna’s condition in confidence, but she’d hoped it wouldn’t happen.
“Maggie has called me three times now, wondering when you’re coming back. Wondering why you didn’t even tell her you were going on a trip. She called again just last night…”
“What did you tell her?” she asked in a small voice.
“Well, what am I supposed to say when week after week people ask me where you are?”
They had a fuzzy Skype connection, but even so, she could tell by the set of his jaw that he was angry. And not at Maggie.
“I’m sorry, babe.”
“I told her—again—that you’re still visiting friends.”
“Thank you…for covering for me. I’m sorry,” she said again.
“She jumped all over me, wanting to know who you were visiting. She practically begged me to tell her what is going on. I stuttered around like an idiot and finally ended up telling her that you would explain everything when you got back. Then she asked sarcastically if you were ever coming back. I finally told her she’d simply have to wait for you to explain it all. I know that leaves you with some tough questions to answer when you do come home, but I didn’t know what else to do.” Paul’s voice had lost its angry edge, but his jaw was still taut, and Anna knew he hadn’t softened the story for her sake.
“And,” he continued, “Reverend Mason called Sunday afternoon to say they’ve missed us in church. I told him what I told Maggie: you’re visiting friends, and you’ve decided to stay a while longer. I feel like a fool—a liar and a fool.” The anger reared its head again.
It was excruciating to have him angry at her when they couldn’t mend the rift in person. And Skype was a poor substitute for being able to really look into his eyes. She remained silent at her end, understanding his frustration but not knowing what she could do to assuage it.
Finally he spoke again, his voice softer, his eyes apologetic. “Honey, of course everyone is reading more into your absence than I’m telling them. People aren’t stupid. But there’s nothing we can do about it. Let’s just forget it. You and I know the truth. That’s all that matters. I don’t know what else we can do at this point. I’m sorry. I… I shouldn’t have said anything. You have enough on your plate. It doesn’t matter.”
But it did matter. Anna could tell he was sorry for even bringing up the subject, so she let it drop. But it was something she dwelled on for a long time after they disconnected the call. Her unwillingness to reveal the whole truth, especially to her close friends, was putting her family in a very awkward position. She didn’t have to answer any of the prying questions herself—she was sequestered safely away from the curious stares and probing questions. But Paul—and to a lesser extent, the girls, her parents, and Shirley—were left to make excuses and cover for her.
She suspected Paul dealt with it by simply avoiding their friends. He spent weekends with her in New Haven and came home late from work to the TV and the quiet of the house. It seemed terribly unfair––he needed his friends now especially––and yet, she simply didn’t feel she could bear coming home after the birth to face the knowing glances and whispers that were certain to be there if they made their tragedy known.
But poor Maggie. Anna had purposely distanced herself from Maggie after what happened in Orlando. Though the two friends had grown apart somewhat when Anna went back to school, Anna still cherished her friendship with Maggie Ryan. But the truth was, Maggie could not always be trusted with a secret. And this was a confidence Anna could not afford to have betrayed.
And then, when Emma had become a confidante, Anna had let her friendship with Maggie drift further. She knew that Maggie had probably been asked by mutual friends “What is going on with Anna Marquette? We haven’t seen her for weeks.
And she and Paul haven’t been in church…”
She could almost hear the gossip now, hear the unspoken accusations that would color the whispered questions. She knew that if the situation were reversed, it would hurt her deeply to have to admit that her close friend had not confided in her. That she was as much in the dark as the rest of them about what was going on with the Marquettes. Deliberately or not, her actions had created a deep rift in her friendship with Maggie. Could such a breach ever be mended? How many friends would she lose before this was all over?
And so, along with a child of rape, Anna carried the heavy baggage of guilt for the pain and alienation she was causing her family and her friends to endure.
Chapter 16
Walter LeMans was accustomed to dealing almost exclusively with civil suits, but when Daniel Walker mentioned the dilemma of Paul and Anna Marquette to him, he agreed to meet with the couple. LeMans had handled the adoption of Justin Walker—his niece’s son by birth—and found it to be such a satisfying experience that he gladly agreed to handle the process should this couple from Chicago decide to retain his services.
Anna Marquette sat alone now in front of his huge oak desk in the large well-appointed office.
“Mrs. Marquette, as Daniel probably told you, I don’t ordinarily handle adoptions. That being the case, I don’t have a long waiting list of prospective parents for you to choose from, but I’m certainly glad to help in any way I can. I understand you and your husband have opted for an open adoption similar to the Walkers’ adoption?”
She nodded.
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