by Shay, Janna
“Dani, please come and sit with me. I need to talk to you about something.”
Fear and dread mixed together, freezing her movements. She could feel her pulse escalating, realizing the moment of truth had arrived. Jace wanted answers, answers she couldn’t afford to give. Aware she’d eventually have to leave, she, nonetheless, had hoped it would have been much later. Her stomach twisted. How could she ever give him up?
Her lips trembling, she felt the coldness of despair seeping into her heart. Determined to make this as easy for him as possible, her chin raised and her spine stiffened.
A cool calm descended upon her, and she sauntered back to the couch. “What did you want to talk about?”
“We’ve been together for a while, and things have been great, but it’s not enough anymore. I want you to stay and never leave.”
Confused, she whipped her head toward him. “Where did this come from? I thought you wanted answers about the flowers.”
“That’s not important.” He took her hand. “I love you, and I want forever.”
“You know I can’t give you that.”
“Yes, you can. There’s no reason why you can’t.”
With the sting of tears threatening her intent to remain strong, she blinked her eyes. “I agree. It was great while it lasted.”
“What the hell does that mean? It was great while it lasted. That’s it? I’m supposed to accept that as your answer?”
Temper flaring, she rounded on him, then yanked her arm away. “You knew I couldn’t stay. When I told you I could only stay temporarily, you agreed, saying that was fine. Now you want forever, knowing it’s not possible, then have the gall to get mad? Just because you want me to stay doesn’t mean I can. What do you expect from me?”
Jace ground out, “I expect you to sit down and talk to me like an adult, not run away like a child.”
“Fine.”
Jace raked his hand through his hair, a sure sign of his discontent. “You confuse the hell out of me. Things are good between us, then boom, they’re not. Haven’t you been happy? One minute you melt in my arms, then the next you’re leaving. I just can’t figure you out.”
Regret replaced annoyance. “Oh Jace, you make me want things I have no right to want, and know can never be. I’ve been happy. Happier than I thought was possible, even knowing I couldn’t stay. Things that I stopped caring about and hoping for have come back because of you. Now it’s even harder to leave them behind, but I have no choice.”
“Please, I need to understand.”
More effective than anger, those simple words tore at her heart. The need to ease the hurt she was powerless to prevent overshadowed her pain. “I’ll try, but I can’t promise that you’ll understand. What do you want to know?”
“What are you so afraid of?”
Fearful, she lowered her eyes. “Never you. I know you won’t hurt me.”
“Dani, look at me.” Lightly, he placed his fingers under her chin, then raised it until her eyes met his. “What are you afraid of then? If you know I won’t hurt you, then you also know you can trust me.”
“It isn’t a matter of trust. It’s that I’m unable to tell you.”
“What do you think will happen if I know?”
The answer brought her grief. “Hate. Hate will happen. Your hate would destroy me.”
“Nothing you tell me is ever going to make me hate you.”
Distraught, she realized he was never going to let her leave. “What I’m about to tell you will prove you wrong.”
Needing courage, she walked woodenly to the bar, then poured a drink. “Would you like a drink?”
“No, thank you.”
With the drink in hand, she returned to the couch then began. “I’m not who you think I am. I tried to tell you in the beginning I couldn’t stay, but you wouldn’t let it go.” Distaste for the lie she had to tell, regret for the pain she would cause, and sorrow for the love she would lose, sliced at her heart. “The reason I can’t stay is because I belong to someone else.”
He sat unmoving. “What do you exactly mean by that?”
“I have a husband.” She braced herself for the storm she knew would come.
“All this time we’ve been together, you’ve been married? Damn it, Dani! Why didn’t you tell me before we slept together?” Agitated, he rose to his feet. “You should’ve told me in the beginning. I happen to strongly believe in marriage vows and fidelity. I can’t fucking believe this.” He raked his hand through his hair in a violent stroke. “Why didn’t you tell me before we got together?”
“Because I wanted you, and I didn’t care that I was married.”
He paused and stared at her, a strange expression on his face. “If you’re married, then where’s your husband?”
Caught off guard, her mind searched for a credible answer as she played with her drink. “He’s ... he’s in New York, I think. Our relationship is unique. It is open and accommodating. We each pursue our interests, then return to each other afterward.” Flippantly, she remarked, “It’s liberating, and gives us the opportunity to go to new places, meet new people, and enjoy life to the fullest.” Stopping, she gauged his reaction. “It’s time for me to go back.”
Regret scoured her heart, but pain destroyed it. Life without Jace would be devastating. Facets of him whisked through her mind, his smile, the rich sound of his laughter, the warmth of his body as he lay next to her. The ways he demonstrated his love. A soft caress, a bouquet of roses, and the look in his eyes when he gazed at her. Her heart skipped a beat. These memories would forever be etched in her mind, and be a comfort in the lonely years to come.
“Does your husband know you’ve been sleeping with me?”
Startled by his voice, she jerked her head. “Yes, I told him, but he doesn’t care.”
“Oh I see. It’s apparent he doesn’t love you, so why are you with him?”
Her mind drew a blank, and she couldn’t respond.
His voice changed as he appealed to her value of honesty. “Dani, look at me. I know what you’re telling me is a lie. Your eyes and your voice tell me it’s untrue. Why do you feel the need to lie to me? If you tell me the truth, no matter what it is, I’ll do everything in my power to help you. Together we can fix it.”
Sadness colored her voice. “The truth will hurt you. I care about you, Jace, more than I can say. I lost someone very dear to me. That loss not only turned my life upside down, but made me incapable of loving again. Then you came along and altered that. My past can destroy everything you’ve built, even your life. I refuse to let anything smother your goodness or hurt you. I know you don’t understand, but you need to believe me. It can’t be fixed.”
A vein in Jace’s forehead throbbed. “Do you honestly believe your leaving isn’t going to devastate me? You claim your past could destroy my life, but won’t you be doing the same thing by leaving?”
He paced around the room, then stopped in front of her. “Damn it, I’m frustrated.” Taking a deep breath, he continued. “Will you tell me something about your life? Even though we’ve been as intimate as a man and woman can be, I feel that I don’t know you.”
The frustration radiated from his body, weakening the wall she’d built between them. Her caring drove her need to ease his pain, and overrode her intention to distance herself. Resigned, she guided him to the couch.
She sighed. Her nerves, making her jittery, caused her breathing to become shallow. “As I told you, I grew up in Illinois. My father left when he discovered my mother’s pregnancy. There was no family to help, so she struggled to raise me by working long hours as a laundress. We didn’t have many luxuries, but it didn’t matter, because we had an abundance of love.”
I don’t know if I can do this, she thought, as she tried to dislodge the lump that had formed in her throat. Glancing at Jace, who sat patiently waiting, she continued. “My relationship with my mother was close, and I loved her completely. One day, in an act of violence, she was taken from me
. That day marked the beginning of the empty shell I became. I moved from place to place, trying, without success, to fill the void her death left behind, until I met you.”
She lifted her eyes, moist from unshed tears. “You filled that emptiness and made me complete again.”
He cocked his head. “Nothing in what you told me can destroy my life. What do you think prevents you from staying with me?”
“The part that can hurt you is I know who murdered my mother.” She swallowed and forced herself to continue. “Because I was there when it happened. I saw him kill her.”
He sat shock still for a moment before speaking. “What you revealed, if anything, warrants you staying with me. Leaving puts you in greater danger than staying here where I can protect you. Does he know where you are?”
Frightened, she scrambled up, her heart pounding out of her chest and her pulse racing. “You don’t understand. I knew you wouldn’t. I can’t stay. They will catch me, and when they do, it can destroy you. I can’t let that happen.”
“Who are they? I thought you said it was one man? Dani, look at me. What’s really going on? I can keep you safe.”
Panicked, she darted to the bedroom, then began changing her clothes. Jace followed in her wake, then grabbed her arms, whipping her around to face him. “Damn it, Dani, why won’t you trust me? Don’t you understand that I’m trying to help you?”
She glared at him, tears streaming from her eyes, as she yelled. “No! ... No, I have to go. I can’t stay. You don’t understand. I’m no good. I can only hurt you.” She struggled, trying to break free of his grasp, but his grip was too strong.
He shook her. “Stop this. This is madness. Running is not the answer. You’ll run all your life if you don’t stop and fix this now. I can help you. Let me.”
Fists balled, she pummeled his chest as she screamed at him. “You can’t help. Nothing can fix it. You don’t understand. They’ll arrest me.” Defeated, her arms fell limply to her side and her head fell against his chest. Dread and regret flowed through her body like whitewater rapids. Lifting tear-stained eyes, she flatly stated, “I didn’t just see my mother murdered. I murdered the bastard who killed her. The police are looking for me. There’s nothing you can fix.”
She read the horror revealed in his eyes. “So now you need to let me go. My past can destroy you if you don’t immediately take steps to protect yourself. You have to call the police and turn me in, because now that you know, it’s accessory after the fact. Then you need to release a statement you had no idea who I was. If you don’t, a scandal like this could ruin you.”
Destroyed, reduced to ashes, she bent and retrieved the clothes that had fallen. “I’m so sorry. I should never have come to Vegas in the first place. I was only fooling myself, thinking I could disappear and find a life, but now I see my mistake. I’m so tired of running. I’ve decided to face the consequences and turn myself in. You’re right. Running is not the answer. If you’d phone the police now, I’d appreciate it, before I lose my courage.”
Rooted to the spot, thoughts racing rapidly through his mind, Jace processed what Dani had told him. Ideas traveled through his memory, like fingers through files, as he tried to find a way to help her. With all his contacts, there had to be someone he knew that could advise him on what steps to take. Snapping out of his immobility, he yanked the clothes from her hands, then threw them on the bed.
“Talk to me. Leave the clothes, I need details.”
Resignation softened her voice as she listlessly flopped on the bed. “There’s nothing to talk about. It’s over. The more you know, the greater your jeopardy.”
Disturbed, he reached down, yanking her upright. “I have no intentions of turning you in. How could you even think that? I need information to help you, so I can figure out how to do that. Living in jail isn’t a life. Running isn’t either. I intend to fight for you. What you have to ask yourself is, do you care about me enough to fight for us?”
“It’s because I care that I can’t fight for us. Did you hear anything I said? You’ll end up in jail if you try to help me. I won’t let that happen.”
“I’m not letting you go. We’ll find a way out of this. But I’m doing it, with or without you. If you help me, it would be much easier.”
Her anxious gaze traveled over his face. “Please don’t get involved. I’m scared. If you get caught, not only will I be in jail, but you also. Don’t destroy your life because of me.”
“If you go to jail, my life is destroyed. I refuse to live without you.”
Her voice rose, frustration saturating it. “Believe me, there’s nothing you can do. What I did is over and done with. Nothing will ever change that.”
Nerves jangling, his hand automatically raked through his hair as he paced. “I refuse to believe that. There might be a chance of getting your charges dismissed. I know a few people who might be able to help, but you have to be willing.”
“I’m so scared. If I agree, you have to promise you’ll be very careful.”
“I promise.”
Bewildered, a frown marring her forehead, she tilted her head. “Why don’t you hate me?”
Abruptly, he stopped pacing, then stared at her. “Why would I hate you?”
“Because I’m a murderer.”
“I don’t believe that. You’re not capable of being a cold-blooded killer.”
“You have that much faith in me?”
“Of course I do. I know what’s in your heart.”
Flinging herself at him, she wound her arms around him, then kissed him. “Oh, Jace, thank you for believing in me. I was so afraid you were going to hate me when you found out.”
The tight clamp that had gripped his heart released. “Are you okay?” At her nod, he said, “I need some details to see what we’re up against. Did you know the man that killed your mother?”
“I’m going to tell you the whole story in detail. Afterwards, you might see that jail is the only place for me.”
He started to protest, but she placed her fingers against his lips. “Please, I need to tell you everything.”
Chapter 16
Dani sat on the edge of the bed, allowing her mind to travel back to her past, then began. “I was born in Chicago, raised solely by my mother. Being a one-income family, she worked long hours trying to make ends meet. When she was gone, I’d busy myself helping around the house, instead of playing, because the neighborhood where we lived was laden with crime. I really didn’t mind because my mother filled my life with happiness. On her days off, instead of resting, she’d devote her time to me. We’d cook for the coming week, play games, act silly, and sometimes dance around the house. She made everything we did, fun.” Her voice broke and she swallowed the knot of pain.
“Abruptly, everything changed when I was almost fifteen. My mother married a bartender by the name of Henry North, a huge man standing about 6’4” tall with a booming voice. It didn’t take us long to find out he didn’t like me, and I didn’t like him. I think the only reason he tolerated me was because I was a package deal when he married my mother. I don’t think they ever loved each other, though, because I never saw him show her any affection or kindness. And I think my mother married him to make a better life for me.
“For about six months, life pretty much stayed the same. After that, Henry’s true personality emerged. He became a mean and abusive drunk. His dislike of me quickly progressed to hatred. He ridiculed me, as I was slow in developing into a woman, and would call me a scrawny boy.”
Horror and hate rose up, gripping her insides. She gasped, and Jace handed her a bottle of water, which she took then drank quickly before continuing. “After I developed, Henry used to stare at me, making me uncomfortable, but I learned to ignore it. He usually was drunk most of the time anyway. Since my mother worked late, my stepfather and I were alone most evenings, making it my job to cook and serve dinner. One evening, my mother ended up working a little later than normal, because of her workload.
&nbs
p; “That night, Henry came home more drunk than usual and more abusive. He yelled for me to serve him dinner as he sat in his chair in the living room, then threatened to beat the laziness out of me if I didn’t move fast enough. When I brought him dinner, he was staring at me strangely. My skin crawled and I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise. Frightened, I decided to go to my room to study to get away from him. He grabbed me as I bent to get my books off the floor, then he pulled me onto his lap. I tried to get away, but he slapped me. He started ...”
A soft sob escaped. Damn it. She thought she’d dealt with this. Compartmentalized it to keep it from tormenting her.
Her breath hitched as tears flowed like rivulets down her cheeks. “He started kissing me and squeezed my breast. With every ounce of strength, I fought him, but he was too strong. Angry, he slapped me over and over, then punched me in the face. Dazed, I fell to the floor, giving him time to jump on me. His fetid breath slammed into my face as he tore my clothes off and raped me. It-it hurt so much. I was still a virgin. But I cursed him as he ripped me apart, not giving him the satisfaction of seeing my pain. As he thrust his vile body inside of me over and over, all I thought of was that I wanted to die. I’ll never forget the crazed lust in his eyes before he bit my breasts, or his savage words telling me how I was going to love it. Dear God, I thought it would never end. He stood up when he finally finished, spat on me, then called me a filthy whore.”
Her heart thundering in her ears, she closed her eyes as she tried to leash the hatred. Hatred turned to fear as she held her breath, then sorrow drowned her soul. She released it quickly and continued. “As Henry was zipping his pants, my mother walked in the door, and saw me lying bruised and bleeding. She hurled herself at him, her face twisted with fury, punching, kicking, screaming. He smacked her, making her fall to the floor, then straddled her and started strangling her. I dragged myself up, fear giving me strength, grabbed a knife from the kitchen, then rushed back into the living room. I launched myself at him then stabbed him in the back, over and over, and over again until he was dead. I yanked his stinking body off her, but it was too late.” Dani took a quivering breath. “She was already dead.” She swallowed. “I cleaned myself up, packed a bag, then stole the money from Henry’s wallet. I ran that night, not knowing where I was going, realizing that it didn’t matter, and haven’t stopped since. From there you know the rest.”