Not Pretending Anymore

by Ward, Penelope

  “Absolutely.”

  “I spent every waking hour with him, and when he napped, I’d go to my room and read. I didn’t really force myself to make small talk with Kayla. I did get to take my sister Siobhan out for lunch one day, and we bonded a little. She’s scared, too. I think the only thing worse than the fear of losing your dad in your twenties would be losing him as a child.”

  “She’s lucky to have you for a big sister.”

  “Yeah, I suppose.” I plopped down on the couch and stared at the ceiling.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked.

  “I have so many regrets when it comes to my father, Declan.”

  He took a seat next to me.

  “We all have regrets in life. No one is perfect.” His expression grew somber.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  Does he not realize I can see through him? “You seem…down or something.”

  He shook his head. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about me.”

  “Did something happen at work?”

  “No. Nothing happened.” His tone was a bit short. He let out a long breath. “I’m the last person you should be worrying about right now, okay?” Then came another forced smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Tell me about what you were saying. What specific regrets are you referring to?” He seemed intent on moving the conversation off of this issue and back to me.

  I paused to examine his face again before I answered his question. “Well, I guess what I mean is, I was so young when my father left home. I didn’t understand how complicated relationships could be. I faulted him for leaving us when it was really more about his marriage to my mother not working out than him wanting to abandon his kids. He wasn’t happy. What—did I need him to stay in a loveless marriage for my sake? I don’t agree with how he handled things. But to have shut him out all these years for making the decision to put his own happiness first? In retrospect, that seems very harsh.”

  Declan shook his head. “Okay, but like you said, you were young, you were hurt—we can’t help how we feel.” He placed his arm along the top of the couch and scooted a few inches toward me. “And you know what? You’re still young. You’re figuring these things out while your dad is still here. It’s never too late to make amends, as long as the person is still with us.”

  Nodding, I wiped my eyes. “I feel like I’ve really tried over the past few weeks.”

  “You have. And your dad loves you no matter what. He’s proven that—from the room he kept for you, to the way he looks at you. You can always tell someone’s true feelings by the way they look at someone. He’s not holding anything against you.”

  It was ironic that Declan had said that. Because one of the only things that made me wonder about his feelings for me was the way he occasionally looked at me. I loved the way he didn’t seem to notice anyone else in the room but me. He was always fully engaged with our conversation—like whatever we were talking about was super important, even if we were just discussing the weather. But that look was nowhere to be found right now. Instead, his eyes were vacant and distant.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” I prodded.

  “I am,” he said and again pushed the subject back to me. “Tell me what else has been on your mind.”

  I was tempted to continue prying about why he seemed melancholy. But I knew he’d just brush me off again. So I exhaled and answered his question. “This whole thing with my father has caused me to reflect on myself. My dad is too young to be facing death. He hasn’t had time to accomplish everything he would want to. And it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough with my own life.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, sometimes it takes something like this to get us thinking about stuff like that.” He stared down a moment before looking back at me. “I can tell you right now, if I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t feel like my life had been enough. I mean, I work in advertising, shoving products down people’s throats with exaggerated claims. How is that helping the world, you know? It’s not. It’s helping put money in the pockets of already-overpaid executives. My sister Catherine is on the other end of the spectrum, living her entire life doing good deeds. But I try to make small differences where I can. The hope is that they add up in the overall scheme of things.”

  I smiled. “They always say what people remember most about someone is how that person made them feel. You definitely make those around you feel like you’re truly invested in them. That’s how you make me feel. You’re a good friend.”

  “And to think, you almost let me walk away because I have a penis.” He winked.

  I laughed, relieved to see his first genuine smile of the night. “That would’ve sucked.”

  “In all seriousness, being a good friend is one way people can make an impact. It’s never too late to call that friend you’ve been meaning to call, or to do small things that add up. Stop the homeless person on the sidewalk and offer him lunch. You don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders to contribute to change. You can do it little by little.”

  “How did you get so insightful?” I smiled, clutching one of the throw pillows to my chest. “Hey, I never got to properly thank you for being there for me the night my dad was rushed to the hospital.”

  “Anytime.”

  I hesitated a moment. “Will seemed freaked out to see you with me, but I guess I can’t blame him considering what he thinks of my relationship with you.”

  “Did he tell you we got into a pissing match outside the waiting room before you woke up?”

  “No, but I sensed something when I saw you two talking.” I paused. “I know why he must hate you. He thinks you’re his competition. But…why do you hate him?”

  Declan’s jaw tightened. “I’ve already told you. The verdict is still out on Dr. Dickalicious. I don’t like how fast he changed his tune on things.” He shrugged. “But look, I just want you to be happy. If he ends up making you happy, that’s what matters.”

  You make me happy. Those words were at the tip of my tongue as the tension in the air grew thick.

  Declan jumped up off the couch and clapped his hands, seeming to forcibly shake himself out of his funk. “You know what this night is missing?”

  “What?”

  “Breakfast for dinner. You hungry?”

  Rubbing my stomach, I grinned. “I’m starving, actually.”

  “Go relax. I’m gonna head to the store because we’re out of eggs. I’ll be back in twenty.”

  “Sounds good.”

  After spending so much time at my dad’s house, I was glad to be back in my happy place. A casual night in with Declan was exactly what I needed right now. The only thing dampening the evening was Declan’s strange mood. Maybe I was overreacting. Everyone has the right to feel crappy and not have to explain themselves. Maybe I’d just been spoiled by his happy-go-lucky demeanor up until this point.

  While waiting for him to come back, I took a nice, hot shower. Closing my eyes as the water rained down on me, I reflected on our conversation, pondering some of the small things I could do moving forward: be a better daughter to my parents, a better big sister to Siobhan, volunteer my nursing services somewhere once a week on one of my days off. Declan was totally right. There were lots of small ways I could make my life more meaningful—in honor of my dad.

  I exited the shower feeling refreshed and hoped Declan would be in a better mood when he returned. I’d just wrung out my hair when the doorbell rang. I thought it was a little strange that he was using the bell, but perhaps he’d forgotten his key.

  Wrapped in my towel, I walked over to the door and opened it with a huge smile on my face. It faded when I realized it wasn’t Declan returning with the groceries. It was Julia.

  I clutched my towel closer to my body. “Oh...hey. I thought you were Declan.”

  Her eyes wandered from my head to my toes. “You thought I was Declan, so you answered the door in your towel?”

  Is she seriously judgi
ng me in my own damn house?

  “No. I answered the door in my towel because I live here, and the bell rang when I’d just gotten out of the shower.”

  “Of course.” She nodded and made her way into the apartment without being invited. “Where is Declan?” she asked, looking around suspiciously.

  “He went grocery shopping.”

  “Ah.” She ran her finger along the granite countertop. “You mind if I hang out until he gets back?”

  What the hell am I supposed to say?

  “Sure.”

  I went to my room to change. God, this sucked. I did not want to deal with her tonight.

  As soon as I returned to the living area, the front door opened, and my and Julia’s heads turned in unison.

  Declan’s eyes widened. “Julia, what are you doing here?”

  “I was heading home from a late spa appointment. Since your apartment was closer than mine, I figured I’d stop by. I know you said you were just going to chill at home tonight, but I missed you.”

  He feigned a smile, but I could tell it wasn’t genuine. “How come you didn’t text me to tell me you were coming?”

  “I guess I wanted to surprise you?”

  He looked over at me, and I could tell he was uncomfortable.

  “I was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang,” I explained. “She hung out and waited for you while I got dressed.”

  He smiled sympathetically at me, and turned to her. “Okay. I just wish I’d known you were coming. I would’ve bought extra bread. I only bought eggs.”

  She looked between us. “Oh, I didn’t realize I was interrupting…dinner?”

  Shit. I actually felt bad for Declan. She was definitely suspicious when this was just a platonic dinner between roommates. He was trying to do something nice for me, and she was probably going to give him shit about it.

  “Declan was just going to make breakfast for dinner. Nothing fancy,” I said.

  “Molly had a tough week, and it’s her favorite.”

  “But…” I looked at him. “There should definitely be enough for everyone, right?”

  Julia pretended not to care. “I haven’t been eating carbs anyway.”

  Figures. Skinny bitch.

  “I can make you a nice omelet,” Declan offered. “We have some veggies in the crisper. You like spinach, tomato, and a little feta?”

  “I would love that. You’re so sweet.”

  He’s being sweet right now because he has no choice. You forced him into it by showing up unannounced.

  Declan smacked his hands together. “Okay, veggie omelet coming up.” He turned to me. “French toast for us, okay?”

  “You know it. Of course.” I excused myself. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to dry my hair.”

  After I disappeared into my room, my phone chimed.

  Declan: I’m sorry she showed up unannounced.

  Molly: It’s okay.

  Declan: No, it’s really not. I know you wanted a chill evening.

  Molly: Well, she’s here. And I would never expect you to tell her to leave. I’m really okay. This is your apartment, too. And you’ve been more respectful than you need to be. You barely bring her over. It’s fine.

  Declan: I owe you one.

  I sighed and turned on the blow dryer.

  After I finished with my hair, I returned to the kitchen. “As always, that cinnamon French toast smells so good.”

  Julia took a deep breath in. “God, you’re right. I wish I didn’t care what I looked like.”

  Is that an insult?

  Declan waved the spatula. “You’re assuming men don’t like a little meat on a woman’s bones.”

  Thank you, Declan.

  “Last I checked, you seemed to like these bones just fine,” Julia quipped.

  Ugh. Barf.

  Declan didn’t respond and resumed flipping the toast and tending to Julia’s annoying veggie omelet on the opposite burner.

  He plated everything, and the three of us sat at the kitchen table together. Declan had bought my favorite orange juice with heavy pulp and poured it into wine glasses for me and him. Julia opted for water, since the orange juice apparently had too much sugar.

  With his mouth full, Declan turned to me and asked, “How’s the toast?”

  “Delicious. Thank you.”

  He smiled in a way that looked like a silent apology.

  “So, Declan tells me you’re dating a doctor from work?” Julia asked.

  I wiped syrup off the side of my mouth. “Yes. It’s still new.”

  “That’s exciting.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t get excited about anything so early. It would be dumb to do so. I’m looking for more than just someone to screw.”

  “But you’re young. Why do you need to settle down?” she asked, seeming confused.

  “It’s not so much about settling down as it is being with someone who only has eyes for me. That’s important to me.”

  Declan’s eyes snagged with mine for a moment before he returned to his French toast.

  After several minutes of eating in silence, Julia broke the ice again.

  She rubbed her belly. “That omelet was so good. It reminded me of something I’d get at home. I miss all my healthy food places in California. I can’t wait to get back.”

  Declan’s eyes narrowed. “You can get healthy food here.”

  “Yeah, but it’s not the same. You can’t find a smoothie place on every corner here. It’s a challenge to find an all-organic restaurant. It’s not just that, either. I guess I just miss home, in general. The sunshine. The fresh air. The Pacific Ocean. And obviously my family.”

  Declan nodded. “I miss my family, too. But I love Chicago.” He glanced at me. “There’s a lot I appreciate about this city.”

  “It’s not bad, I guess,” she said. “I’m just ready to go.”

  She’s ready to go and take Declan with her.

  “I want to get a dog, too,” Julia added. “I was just about to get one before we got this assignment. So, the first thing I’m gonna do when I get home is get a dog.”

  “And what if you get another out-of-town assignment?” I asked.

  She shrugged. “My sister can watch it.”

  I lifted an eyebrow. “Your sister would be down with that?”

  “I know she’ll do it.”

  Julia was an entitled brat. Or maybe it just seemed that way since I generally hated her for getting to fool around with the man I was crushing on hard.

  “My sister loves animals as much as I do.”

  I looked down at her designer boots, which I happened to know had real fur.

  “If you love animals, you should consider not wearing fur. An animal died for those boots.”

  She looked down at her feet. “I suppose you’re right. Hadn’t really thought about it.”

  “Yeah, just something to consider,” I said, shoveling another bite of toast into my mouth.

  Declan smirked and attempted to change the slightly hostile tone of the night.

  “Anyone up for a post-dinner cocktail? I bought this margarita mix the other day I want to try.”

  I could definitely go for a little alcohol right about now.

  Julia licked her lips. “Mmmm… That sounds delicious.”

  This from the girl who’s sworn off carbs? Yeah, that made sense. I guess margaritas don’t count.

  The next part of the night was perhaps the worst. Julia was all over Declan as he stood at the counter making our drinks. She wrapped her arms around his waist and just hung on him.

  He managed to break free long enough to hand me my drink. “Here you go, Mollz. Just how you like it, with extra salt.”

  “Thank you.”

  I took a sip of the slushy, frozen margarita. It had the perfect amount of sweetness to complement the lime. But as much as this drink rocked, I was done being an audience to Julia rubbing herself all over my man.

  Shit.

  What?

 
; My man?

  That was such a random and inappropriate thought.

  But yet I’d had it.

  Yeah, definitely time for you to be out, Molly.

  I lifted my glass in a salute. “You know what? I think I’m gonna take this to my room, if that’s okay. I’m feeling kind of tired. Hopefully the alcohol will just knock me out altogether.”

  Declan’s expression dampened. “Okay. If you want another one, let me know. There’s plenty still in the blender.”

  “Will do. Thanks.” I smiled. “’Night, Julia.”

  “’Night, Molly.”

  I flashed Declan one more smile before I walked to my room.

  Letting out a long sigh of relief as my bedroom door closed, I turned on some Hulu and downed the rest of my drink.

  I dozed off a few times, in and out of sleep. The final time I woke up, I noticed I no longer heard the muffled sounds of their talking.

  I’d also missed a text about fifteen minutes ago from Declan.

  Declan: You still awake?

  I typed.

  Molly: Yeah.

  Declan: Are you decent?

  Molly: Yes.

  A few seconds later, he knocked on my door.

  “Come in.”

  CHAPTER 16

  * * *

  Declan

  “Hey.” Molly sat up in bed, leaning her back against the headboard. “Julia leave?”

  I nodded. “Is it okay if I sit down?”

  Molly pulled up her legs and wrapped her arms around her knees to make room for me.

  “Yeah, of course.”

  Sitting at the bottom of her bed, I was tempted to tell her why I’d seemed off when she walked in earlier tonight. The last week had been tough—so much so that I’d given in and called Dr. Spellman back home. Molly had clearly picked up on the fact that I wasn’t myself, and I didn’t want her to think it had anything to do with her. But she’d just returned from a difficult time away dealing with her dad. I didn’t want to burden her. I needed to snap the fuck out of it.