Molly’s eyes filled with tears as we stared at each other, almost trancelike. I wanted so badly to tell her I knew what love was because she was the love of my life. But the moment came to an abrupt halt when someone knocked on the passenger window.
Will.
I shut my eyes. Fuck.
Molly’s face was somber. “Thank you again so much for coming, Declan.”
I lifted her hand to my lips and kissed the top. “Of course. I’ll always be here for you, sweetheart.”
CHAPTER 30
* * *
Molly
“Are we okay?”
I stopped tracing figure eights in the condensation on the bottom of my glass and looked up at Will. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
He smiled sadly. “Come here.” We’d been sitting next to each other on my couch, and he gave my arm a little tug and pulled me onto his lap. Pushing a lock of hair from my face, he looked into my eyes. “Is everything okay with us?”
“Yeah, sure. Why wouldn’t it be?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. You’ve been distant. I know it’s only been a week and a half since your dad passed, and you have every right to be down, but for some reason, I feel like it’s more than that.”
I had felt off lately. And while a lot of that obviously had to do with my father, some of it also had to do with Declan. I hadn’t heard from him in the days after the funeral, and when I’d finally checked in, he wasn’t his normal self. His messages were polite and all, but sort of distant. Which made me realize my concern for Declan seemed an awful lot like Will’s concern for me.
I hated to lie to Will, but I also didn’t think I should share my concerns about another man, especially Declan. So I went with a partial truth. “I’m sorry if I’ve seemed far away. Losing my dad has led me to a lot of thinking, and I feel like it’s hard to escape my head—if that makes any sense.”
“Of course it does. But I hope you know I’m here to talk, if you want to try to work out some of whatever is on your mind—no matter what the subject.”
“I do know that, Will. You’ve been amazing through this—so patient and supportive.”
He cupped my cheeks. “That’s because I love you.”
This was now the third time Will had said he loved me, and I hadn’t returned the sentiment. I felt more and more pressure to say it back, but I couldn’t without being sure.
I turned my face in his hand and kissed his palm. “Thank you.”
A little while later, Will had to go to the hospital for his shift, so we said goodnight. After I shut the door, I felt a little relieved to be alone. I could stare off into space as much as I wanted; I wouldn’t have to pretend I was okay or explain why I wasn’t. So I poured myself a glass of wine, hoping it would help me unwind, and picked up the photo album that had been sitting on the living room coffee table since before my dad’s wake. My little sister had made photo collages to display at the services, so I’d borrowed an old family album from my mom with pictures of my dad and me.
I sighed as I flipped through the pages—my father and me fishing, my father trying to teach me how to play softball, my father with nail polish painted halfway up his fingers because he’d let four-year-old me give him a manicure. Mom, Dad, my older sister, and me pumpkin picking—page after page of memories I hadn’t remembered from my childhood. When I got toward the end, warm tears slid down my face. And when I turned the very last page, I saw a photo I definitely hadn’t been expecting.
Instead of more family pictures, it was a piece of paper with a selfie of Declan printed on it. He was making a funny face with his eyes crossed, cheeks hollowed out, and his lips puckered. He was also holding up a three-pound bag of M&Ms. I laughed out loud reading the note scribbled next to the photo.
Dry your eyes, my beautiful girl. I know it wasn’t easy flipping through those pages. But you made it, so you deserve a reward. Now get your lazy butt up and look under the couch.
Amused, I practically jumped out of my seat and crouched down. Sure enough, there was an unopened, three-pound bag of M&Ms. Snatching them up, I sat back on the couch and took out my phone to text Declan.
Molly: I just found my M&Ms! How did you know I’d need them, and when did you put them under my couch?
A few minutes later, the dots on my phone started to jump around, and I got more excited than I’d been in weeks.
Declan: I did it when I was home for the funeral last week—before you woke up. Are those the only ones you found so far?
Home. Yet again, he’d referred to here as his home. I wondered if he realized it.
Molly: I’ve found the loose ones you hid. But this is the only one with a picture of you. Are there more?
Declan: I guess you’ll figure that out at some point…
I laughed and started to text back. But at the last minute, instead of pressing send, I hit call.
“Did you believe the green ones made you horny?” he said in greeting, rather than hello.
I chuckled. “No, but I do think Twinkies will outlast the apocalypse.”
“Interesting. If you could only leave the house with one item when the apocalypse hits, what would it be?”
“I have no idea. Maybe a flashlight or a lighter? How about you?”
He answered confidently. “Ketchup. A big-ass bottle.”
“Why in the world would you bring ketchup?”
“Why in the world wouldn’t you? That shit is good on everything.”
I laughed. “God, Declan. This conversation is ridiculous, and yet it’s exactly what I needed.”
“Sadly, that isn’t the first time I’ve been described that way by a woman.”
There had been background noise, but it suddenly went quiet. “Did you just turn off the TV?”
“No, I’m at the bar down the block from my hotel.”
“The lesbian bar?”
“Yeah. I’ve made some good friends.”
That made me smile. Declan could make friends anywhere.
“Well, I won’t keep you long, then.”
“Don’t worry about it. I just stepped outside so I can hear you better.”
“I wanted to say thank you for doing that—for knowing I’d get to that last page of the photo album and need some cheering up.”
“Anytime, sweetheart. Anytime.”
Hearing him call me that sent a flush of warmth rolling through my belly.
I laid back on the couch and held the bag of M&Ms to my chest with my cell phone at my ear. “How are things in Cheeselandia?”
“Actually, it’s getting a little creepy.”
“Oh? How so?”
“I’m starting to get a pretty full arsenal of cheese jokes.”
“Cheese jokes? You mean your jokes have grown corny?”
“No, as in literal cheese jokes. What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?”
“I have no idea. What?”
“You’re looking goud-a.”
I laughed, which, of course, just encouraged him.
“What do you call cheese you stole?”
“What?”
“Na-cho cheese.”
“I hope these aren’t part of the big marketing plans you’ve been working on.”
“If I don’t get out of here soon, they might be.”
“Speaking of which, when are you done?”
“The end of this month.”
“Oh, wow. So you’ll be back in Chicago in just a couple of weeks?”
Declan was quiet for a moment. “Actually, I may be going back to California instead.”
“What? Why? I thought you were coming back to help finish off the project you started here?”
“I was, but…I think it’s probably best if I go back to Cali.”
“Is your boss pushing you to do that?”
“No…I think it would be… I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet for sure.”
I felt a sudden sense of panic. “But if you don’t come back to finish the project
in Chicago, when would I see you again?”
Declan sighed. “I don’t know, Mollz.”
“You have to come back.”
He was quiet for a long time. “I better go. Belinda is probably going to wonder if I skipped out on my tab.”
“Oh…okay.”
“You take care of yourself, okay?”
“I will. You too, Declan.”
After I hung up, I felt a heaviness in my chest. What if Declan didn’t come back to Chicago?
CHAPTER 31
* * *
Declan
Sweat dotted my forehead as I let the music take me away. Once again, I was the only guy in sight at The Spotted Cow. “Whatta Man” by Salt-N-Pepa played as I moved and grooved amidst a sea of women. They’d played that song especially for me. I was honored. It was the Saturday before I was set to leave Wisconsin later in the week. Belinda had hired a DJ as a little going-away present for me. It was definitely the best goodbye party I could’ve hoped for. Drinks on the house weren’t half bad either. It was a much-needed night of escapism, because the days since returning from Chicago hadn’t been easy.
The disappointment in Molly’s voice when I’d told her I likely wasn’t coming back had killed me. Her reaction made me doubt my decision. But I knew I couldn’t handle watching her with Will again. It was one thing to know that with each passing day, Molly was getting closer to him. But seeing and experiencing it wasn’t something I wanted to put myself through. Not to mention, it was going to look suspicious if I showed up there again so soon. He’d give her shit about it, and I didn’t want to cause Molly stress. Whether or not she realized it, my heading straight back to California was the right decision. I still second-guessed it every chance I got, though.
When the song changed to a slower one, I left the dance floor and headed for the bar.
Belinda smiled from ear to ear. “Damn, boy. I’ve never seen you dance like that.”
I grabbed a napkin and wiped my forehead. “Yeah, well, I’m trying to forget about shit, you know? Dancing my troubles away.”
“When is your flight again?”
“Thursday night. You’ll still be seeing me until then.”
Belinda pouted. “I’m sure gonna miss you.”
“You need to take a vacation and come out to California.”
“I promise you, I will.” She smacked me over the head with her dishrag. “What’s going on, Dec? I know you’re not devastated to leave Wisconsin. So there’s got to be something else you’re trying to forget. You’ve seemed down ever since you came back from Chicago.”
I hadn’t gone into much detail since returning from Molly’s dad’s funeral. But what did I have to lose now? “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone before?”
“Of course. But is the only reason you’re telling me because you’re half in the bag?”
I laughed. “No. I swear.”
“Okay. Just didn’t want you to regret it.” She leaned in. “What’s the big secret?”
“I think I’m in love.”
“With me?” she said without batting an eyelash.
That made me cackle. “Well, with you, yeah. That’s a given. But I was referring to someone else in this case.”
She smiled knowingly. “Molly…”
Letting out a long breath, I nodded. “Yeah.”
“You’re only now just realizing this?”
I sighed. “I always knew I cared deeply for her. But after this last trip to Chicago, I’m a hundred-percent sure I’m actually in love with her. And I don’t know what to fucking do about it.”
“So you realized you’re in love with Molly, but you’re not going back to Chicago.” She scratched her head exaggeratedly. “Yeah…that makes a lot of sense.”
“I know it doesn’t seem right. But the situation isn’t that simple.”
“If you love someone, you have to tell her.”
“Not if I don’t think I’m what’s best for her. If you love someone, you want what’s best for them.” I paused. “I told you about my depression. What if I can’t get a handle on it, or what if it gets worse over time?”
“Have you told her about it?”
I sighed. “I told her during this last visit. She was wonderful and supportive.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is, even if she accepts it, she may not really understand what she’d be getting herself into.”
She shook her head. “No one knows what they’re getting into long term or what the future holds. That’s a risk you take for love. I’ll bet she’s stronger than you think. And if she loves you back, she’ll accept that you have some bad days.”
The wheels in my head were still turning against me. “Okay…well, even if you’re right, she’s currently with someone else.”
“What does she say about her feelings for this other guy?”
“Last I checked, she hadn’t told him she loved him, even though he’d said those words to her. But that doesn’t mean she won’t get there.”
Belinda’s eyes popped wide. “Uh…hello? That’s a pretty big clue that she doesn’t love him.”
“That could have changed by now, though.” I leaned my head in my hands. “Regardless of her feelings for him, I have no clue if she feels the same way about me as I do her. She cares about me. We’re good friends. And she’s attracted to me—or at least she was at one point. But that doesn’t mean she feels as strongly as I do.”
“So ask. What’s the worst that could happen?”
I sighed. “I’m afraid of turning her life upside down. She’s been through a lot recently. I don’t want to cause trouble or confuse her if she’s in a happy, stable situation.”
Belinda shrugged. “She couldn’t tell you for sure that she loved this guy…”
“She was also in a weird place when she admitted that. Her father had just died—not sure she could feel anything at all.”
Belinda leaned her chin into her hands and smiled. “Is she the first girl you ever loved?”
There was no question. “Yeah. Without a doubt.”
“What made you certain you love her?”
I sighed. “There was a point at the church when I had to sit behind her and her boyfriend.” I shook my head. “It felt so unnatural…so painful. I felt like part of my heart was beating inside her, and I couldn’t get to it. I wanted so badly to be the one comforting her. And I felt literal pain. But it didn’t hit me until I was on the plane coming back here that the feeling of pain? It was actually love.”
Belinda shocked me by wiping a tear from her eye. “Declan, you have to tell her.”
My eyes widened. “Oh my God. I can’t fucking believe I made you cry just now.”
“I’m crying because what you said is beautiful. And I’m crying because I feel really bad that I’m gonna have to beat your ass in a minute.” Her tears gave way to laughter. “Dec, it would be tragic if you let her go without a fight.”
“I can’t let her go if I don’t have her in the first place.”
She rolled her eyes and whacked me with her dishrag again. “You know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think you’re scared. You said you don’t want to cause confusion, but if causing confusion is a concern, a part of you must know she has feelings for you—feelings that would mean she has a choice to make.”
That definitely made some sense. “Maybe…”
“By not saying anything, you stay in this safe place—she remains in your life, but never the way you hoped. You’re letting fear make all of the decisions here. Get your head out of your ass and see it for what it is.”
I chuckled. “Damn. I’m losing my straight-shooting therapist in a few days, aren’t I?”
Belinda held up a finger and left me momentarily to visit the DJ. When she returned to her spot behind the bar, Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m The Only One” started playing.
She spoke over the music. “Listen to the words of this song.
This is the attitude you need to take with Molly. There is no other person who will love her like you do, even if life ain’t perfect all the time. You’re the only one, Declan. You know that deep inside. And the first way you can prove that is to risk getting your heart broken. Silence is regret. Inaction will always translate to regret in the end. If you never say anything, you’ll never know.”
I rubbed my temples. Belinda had given me way too much to think about tonight. She knew it, too, because she stopped talking and poured me another drink.
CHAPTER 32
* * *
Molly
It was one of the most grueling natural labors I’d witnessed in a long time. It was also another testament to the fact that Will Daniels was one damn amazing obstetrician.
“It’s a boy!” Will proudly proclaimed through his surgical mask as he pulled the baby out of our patient, Karma’s, womb. She’d been in labor for over twenty-four hours and had refused all drugs. Karma and her husband, Joshua, had chosen not to find out the baby’s sex, so they were just realizing they had a son.
“I can’t believe it!” Joshua proclaimed.
The excitement of a new baby being brought into the world never got old. It didn’t matter how many night shifts I’d endured. Each new life was just as amazing as the last.
Several minutes later, someone asked, “Do you have a name?”
The new mom smiled. “Declan.”
That stopped me in my tracks.
Declan.
Tears formed in my eyes. Declan had confirmed that he’d chosen not to come back to Chicago after his Wisconsin gig, and I hadn’t been able to get over it.
I didn’t understand why his not returning had this sort of impact on me. I mean, him going back to California was always the plan. But I knew there was a good chance I might not see him ever again.
I wiped my eyes. “Declan is a beautiful name.”
Will returned from washing his hands, took one look at my face, and squinted. He obviously knew I’d been crying but didn’t pry.
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