I lost it soon after, diving into her in one hard thrust as I came.
We lay limp on the ground, quiet and sated.
I wanted to be with her like this every day, and that meant we needed to figure a lot of shit out. But I wouldn’t let it ruin tonight; this moment that was everything.
***
A few days later, Molly and I were back at the apartment in Chicago. We’d driven home the morning after our night at Belinda’s and had been holed up together ever since. We spent the majority of time in Molly’s bedroom “catching up” on lost time.
In our sex-induced haze, we were no closer to figuring out how exactly we were going to make this work. We both had jobs and family in different cities. I was supposed to start a new account in California at some point in the near future. Yet I didn’t want to leave Molly.
But tough decisions would have to wait. Because today was a special day. It was my girl’s birthday.
It was nearly 11AM. I left Molly sleeping and got up to make her French toast that I planned to bring into bed.
While the coffee was brewing, I decided to check her mail, which typically came early. Molly had mentioned she was waiting on a package to arrive today. Once downstairs, I found nothing but several envelopes in her mailbox.
As I made my way up the stairs, I sifted through her mail. There were a couple of bills and a birthday card from someone whose name I didn’t recognize. Then I noticed a card from someone whose name I did recognize—Molly’s dad.
I didn’t know what to make of it. Maybe he’d planned to send it before he passed away. But I braced myself for the emotions that were sure to come once she saw it.
Back in the apartment, I left the mail on her counter and resumed making breakfast.
Molly appeared in the kitchen before I had a chance to bring her breakfast in bed.
“Hey, birthday girl,” I said as I flipped a piece of French toast.
“Hey.” She rubbed her eyes and yawned. “Whatever you’re making smells amazing.”
“It’s your favorite. French toast. And it’s just the start of a bunch of things I have planned for you today.”
I wasn’t sure whether to tell her about the envelope from her dad now or wait until she ate her breakfast. Given the potential for sadness, I opted not to tell her until she ate.
“Sit. I’ll pour you some coffee.”
Molly pulled out her chair and let me wait on her. I served us breakfast and sat across from her.
We ate in silence, but the thoughts in my head grew louder by the second. One of us needed to give up our job and move if we were going to be together. After a moment, I somehow once again shoved all of the unanswered questions to the back of my mind, reminding myself that today was not the day to stress.
We cleaned our plates, and I walked over to the counter. “So…I went to check your mail. I know you were expecting something. No package came, but I did see this.” I handed her the envelope.
Molly examined it before her eyes widened. “It’s from my dad…”
“Yeah.”
She slowly opened the envelope and took out the card. She read the front and clutched it to her chest.
She handed it to me. “Will you read it to me?”
“Of course.” I began to read her father’s handwriting.
To my beautiful daughter,
If you’re reading this, it’s because I’m no longer on this physical Earth and had to miss your birthday. For that, I’m very sorry. I’m sorry for a lot of things when it comes to you. But perhaps I am most sorry for the fact that I didn’t have enough time with you. I didn’t get to fully enjoy spending time with the adult woman you’ve become, the one I’ve been so proud of. I would have taken you to your favorite Italian restaurant today and let you talk while I listened. There’s nothing more I would want to do, especially at this moment—bed-ridden and unable to go out, let alone stomach something as delicious as one of those flatbread pizzas.
I worked very hard throughout my life, as you know, but in the end, I couldn’t take my career with me. In retrospect, I wish I had spent more time with my children and less time working, as difficult as that is to do as a physician. If you have the opportunity in life to choose work or family, always choose family. Because not having spent enough time with mine is literally my only regret as I prepare to take the next step of my soul’s journey.
Live each day as if it’s your last, and make the most of your time with the people you love. Spend time getting to know your little sister. She’s going to need your guidance and love. I am certain Kayla will remarry someday, and that’s going to be extremely difficult for Siobhan. Unfortunately, because of me, you’ve been in that same predicament, and so you and Lauren will be able to comfort her in that respect. I love all of my children, but I worry the most about you, Molly. You’re the one with the biggest heart. And I hope you don’t have a single regret when it comes to me. I hope you let all of that go. I know you love me. Please don’t ever doubt whether you showed me that sufficiently. You did everything you could in my last days to prove the love you had for me had never left.
I can only wish that you find a man who loves you half as much as I do. Please don’t ever settle. You deserve someone who will love you with all his heart. And when you find that person, you’ll know. If you’re trying hard to figure out whether someone is the right one, I’ll tell you a secret: he’s not. Unless we’re talking about Declan. (Can you tell I like that guy?) I’m kidding, though. My opinion doesn’t matter. Follow YOUR heart, my love.
I have a few more cards written in my chemo-induced haze for your reading pleasure during subsequent birthdays. I wish I could have written you enough words to last a lifetime, but I hope you’ll cherish the ones I do send. And please know that wherever I am, I will always be with you.
Love, Dad
Molly was in tears. My own eyes felt watery. A feeling washed over me, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
I walked over to my phone on the counter and dialed my boss, Ken, in California.
“What are you doing?” Molly asked.
“Taking your dad’s advice and putting the person I love first. I don’t want any regrets, Molly.”
Ken picked up. “Declan. Good to hear from you. Any idea on your ETA?”
“Yeah. Um…that’s what I’m calling about, Ken. We need to talk.”
“What’s going on?”
I looked at Molly and came out with it. “I’m really sorry to do this to you, but I have to give my notice.”
Her mouth dropped open.
Ken was silent. “Really? What happened? You get hired by Integrity? I knew they were recruiting my people, but—”
“No. No, that’s not it.”
“Why are you leaving us, then?”
“I don’t have anything lined up, but my girlfriend lives in Chicago, and I need to be where she is. I love her and don’t want to be apart from her. So this is not a matter of money or anything else. It’s just what I know is best.”
Molly continued to sit there with her mouth hanging open. She clearly hadn’t thought that I’d quit my job to be with her. But this was the right choice. I’d already known that in my heart. Her dad’s letter simply gave me the final push.
“Well…” he said. “If I were your age, I might have given you a speech about this being one of the biggest mistakes of your life, but I’ve lived long enough to know sometimes you need to follow your heart.”
I smiled. “Thank you for understanding. I hope you know that if you need my input on anything having to do with any of my previous accounts, I will always be available to you. I also hope I can count on you for a reference.”
“Of course, Declan. You’ve been a model employee. I wish you the best and hope you remain happy with your decision.”
I looked over at my girl and smiled. “I have no doubt.”
After I hung up, Molly wiped her tears as she came over to embrace me. “I can’t believe you just did that.”
“One of us had to. And I would never expect you to leave your little sister.” I lifted her up and squeezed her tight. “I love it here, Mollz—because you’re here. This was the decision I ultimately would have made, but your dad’s words made it so clear that I couldn’t wait another second.”
She leapt into my arms again. “I love you so much, Declan. You make me incredibly happy. And I know my dad is smiling down right now.”
I shook my head. “I hope this is enough to prove once and for all that I’m not gay.”
EPILOGUE
* * *
Molly
It was Saturday morning, and Declan had just returned to the apartment. He’d gotten up early and left while I was still sleeping, so I was seeing him for the first time.
“How was it?” I asked, greeting him at the door by wrapping my arms around his neck.
“It was good. I met a kid today who reminded me a lot of myself.”
“I’m really proud of you for doing this.”
“Honestly, it’s helped me more than it helps them. It’s taken the focus off of me, and that can be a good thing.”
I gave him a peck on the lips. “You’ve come a long way, baby.”
Declan volunteered every Saturday morning at a teen crisis center in the city. He mentored kids going through tough times—many experiencing depression, something he understood firsthand.
“I think the biggest difference between me today and the man I was a year ago is that I don’t doubt myself anymore, whether I’m worthy of certain things. Now I just choose self-compassion, even if things aren’t certain. But you have to have a solid foundation to take that risk. You’ve been my foundation—the one sure thing that allows me to believe in myself.”
I kissed him again. “Well, it’s been my pleasure, Mr. Tate. You’ve brought a lot to my life, too, you know.”
After Declan quit his job to stay in Chicago, he was unemployed for a few months. We’d made the most of that time. He’d kept the apartment sparkling clean and constantly cooked delicious food. I’d used my vacation time and we went out to California so I could meet Declan’s family. It was definitely an experience getting to meet all of his sisters and taking a day to travel to San Luis Obispo to see Catherine at the convent. I’d laughed every time one of his sisters called him “Scooter.”
Not only was it great to observe his family dynamic, but I got to know Declan’s parents as well. We slept at their house and stayed up late talking with them on their back deck. I was surprised that Declan was so open with his mother. She even talked about her experience with bipolar disorder as it related to Declan’s fears.
So between the California trip and getting Declan all to myself for a while, I’d cherished those first few months. But we were both relieved when he finally found a job at a local advertising firm.
Now, over a year later, things had settled into a routine. I had graduated to a level at work where I no longer had to work Saturdays or Sundays. I had a set schedule now of Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. And I couldn’t have been happier about that, because it had really sucked not getting to hang out with Declan on weekends.
I really appreciated lazy Saturdays like today. Now that Declan was home from his volunteer work at the teen center, I would have him all to myself.
“What’s the plan today?” I asked.
“I have a few errands to run, actually. You good to hang out here for a bit while I do them?”
“I guess so…”
“Unless you haven’t eaten yet? I can make you something for breakfast first.”
“No. I ate a bagel while you were at the center.”
“Cool. Perfect then. I shouldn’t be too long.”
“What do you have to do?”
“Just the usual Saturday stuff,” he said. “Cleaners. Get to the bank before they close at noon. Stuff like that.”
“Okay, well… Hurry back. Although, it’s not like I don’t have a ton of our laundry to keep me company while you’re gone.”
“How lucky am I that my girlfriend actually likes doing my laundry now when I used to use it as a punishment?” He winked.
“It’s the least I can do, considering you do all of the cooking around here.”
He brought me in for a kiss. “I love you. See you in a bit, okay?”
“Love you, too.”
After Declan left, I went downstairs to the laundry room in our building. I threw a load of clothes into the washer and headed back upstairs.
When I returned to the apartment, I noticed an envelope laying on the ground outside the door.
I opened it, thinking it might have been one of those solicitations from cleaning services.
Instead it was a note—in Declan’s handwriting.
Did you know it was two years ago today that I first left those cupcakes at your door? That was the same day you gave me a penis pass and let me move in. How about we mark the occasion by making this Saturday extraordinary? To celebrate, I’m sending you on a little scavenger hunt. So grab your tennis shoes and go to your first destination. Here’s a clue: Because my girl loves to eat, it’s the only place where the gnocchi has mine beat.
“Nonna’s!” I said out loud, my voice echoing in the hallway.
Oh my gosh. What is this all about? Is he there waiting for me? I rushed inside and went in search of my tennis shoes.
The weather outside was perfect for a stroll through the neighborhood. When I arrived at Nonna’s, I wasn’t sure exactly what to do, though. As I entered the front door, it looked like they were just setting up for the Saturday lunch crowd. There was no sign of Declan.
The woman at the hostess station said, “Molly?”
“Yes. That’s me.”
She gestured to a table by the window. “Come sit.”
“What’s going on?” I asked. “Am I eating here?”
“Your boyfriend asked that we set you up with a snack-sized portion of your favorite gnocchi, along with a chocolate-covered cannoli. Enjoy, and then I’ll provide you with an envelope that will lead you to your next destination, per his instructions.”
This was one of the strangest experiences of my life, but I decided to go with it and enjoy every second. I sat alone, staring out at the people passing by as I ate my gnocchi and sipped the glass of white wine the waitress had brought me. A few people trickled in for an early lunch.
I tried to take my time, but I was anxious to get that envelope. I stuffed the cannoli into my mouth and finished it in three large bites. I left a ten-dollar bill on the table and, with my mouth still full, walked over to the waitress. “Thank you so much. That was delicious. I’m ready for my envelope now.”
She handed it to me. “Have a great rest of your day, Molly.”
“Thank you.”
Outside on the sidewalk, I rushed to open it.
This is the point where you might need to go back and grab your car. Next destination is because I thank God every day that I met you. If my sister Catherine were here, this might be her favorite hangout. Hint: it rhymes with Notre Dame.
I paused. Catherine. Was there a convent nearby? A church?
Rhymes with Notre Dame.
Then it hit me: Holy Name! That was the large cathedral here in Chicago.
I speed-walked back to the apartment to get to my car, and then typed my destination into the GPS.
After a short drive downtown, I found a parking space and looked up at the grand structure with its massive bronze doors, wondering what I was supposed to do here.
Inside, the quiet space was a peaceful escape from the noise of the city. Surrounded by beautiful stained glass, I breathed in the soothing atmosphere.
“Are you Molly?” someone asked.
I turned to find a guy who looked about my age, dressed in Spandex and a hoodie. He must have been a bike messenger.
“Yes?”
“This is for you.” He smiled, handing me an envelope. “But before you open it, sit for a while in the cathedral. Take a mom
ent to quiet your thoughts and reflect with gratitude.” He nodded and slipped away.
“Thank you. I will,” I said, though he was already halfway out the door.
As I sat in the near-empty church, I looked over at an old woman in one of the front pews. I wondered what she might have been thinking about, whom she might have lost. I reflected on how fortunate I was. Even though I’d lost my dad too soon, I had a man in my life who loved me as much as my father had.
After several minutes of silent prayer, I stood up, feeling refreshed. Before I left, I lit a candle.
Back outside, I was met once again by the noise of the city. I opened the envelope.
Because you’ll always be a daddy’s girl. Think pink.
My eyes flitted back and forth as I processed that. Think pink.
The pink room in my dad’s house! It had to be.
As I got back into my car, my heart beat faster in anticipation.
Once I got to Lincoln Park, the previously sunny weather turned drizzly as I made my way up the steps of my dad’s house. The front door opened before I even had a chance to knock. It seemed Kayla was waiting for me.
“Hey, Molly.” She smiled, looking utterly amused.
“So you’re in on this little game, huh?”
She moved aside to allow me to enter. “The envelope is waiting for you on the bed in the pink room, but before you open it, there’s a little surprise.”
“Is Siobhan home?” I asked as I headed up the stairs.
“No. Your sister is at ballet.”
“Oh. I’m sorry I missed her.”
I spotted the white envelope on the bed and chills ran through me.
“So, before he died…” Kayla said, “your father left something else for you, in addition to the cards he wrote. Last weekend at dinner, I asked Declan’s advice as to when I should give it to you, and he suggested today.”
Not Pretending Anymore Page 27