by Jill Kemerer
What had he expected? He’d known he wasn’t good enough for her. Told himself over and over he’d get hurt if he let himself fall in love. He’d been living a dream—just like when he’d been on the college football team—and now the dream was over. Except this was worse. Much worse.
He wished he would have taken his own advice when he’d moved back and never let himself fall for Lauren Pierce.
He walked down the hall and left her apartment.
* * *
Lauren dropped onto the couch. Everything Drew said swirled, conflicted, collided in her brain. She didn’t even know where to begin to make sense of today. The only thing she knew? He was wrong about her.
She couldn’t get her head straight in this matchbox of an apartment. It suffocated her. She shoved her feet into athletic shoes, grabbed her keys and phone and ran out the door. When she got to the sidewalk, she didn’t think, just jogged in the direction of the lake.
The truth of Drew’s words nailed themselves into her soul, but she couldn’t quite believe them.
You’re the daughter of the King.
The park entrance loomed ahead, and she sped up. Could she outrun his voice? Could she outrun herself?
She sprinted along the trail next to the lake until she hunched over, gasping for breath. Why had she been packing her suitcase? It wasn’t as if she had anywhere to go.
I’m still that little girl packing her bag, aren’t I?
Exhaustion clawed through her body, and she collapsed on a park bench facing the lake. Seagulls swooped down to the water, calling to each other noisily.
“I am a mess.” The words escaped without thought. She turned her head from side to side to see if anyone was around. No one lurked. She sighed in relief. Didn’t want to add losing her mind to her list of shortcomings.
She leaned back. The sun warmed her face, and the scent in the air held the tang of the freshwater lake.
God, what am I doing? What do You want me to do?
A squirrel chattered a few yards away. He stood on his hind legs with a nut between his paws. Then he bit into the nut and ran away.
Being a squirrel seemed to be a lot less complicated than being a human.
Why am I making it so complicated?
Drew said they all had choices. She agreed with that. But—
How did she know the right choice? How could she trust herself to make the right decision?
She had a strong urge to go to her parents’ house. To talk to her mom.
Had Wyatt and Drew left yet?
She texted her mom. Are you busy? Is Wyatt still there?
Almost instantly her mom replied. Drew picked him up a few minutes ago. Why?
She felt terrible for not seeing Wyatt since Drew found him, but she wasn’t ready. She texted Mom back. I’m coming over.
Ten minutes later she found Mom in the kitchen.
“Wyatt upset you today, didn’t he?” Mom’s loving eyes crashed through the chaos inside her. Lauren drifted into her arms. “It’s okay. He’s okay. No harm done.”
No harm done? She let that one slide and hugged her for a long time. Finally, she broke away.
“Come on,” Mom said. “Let’s go out to the living room. You can tell me all about it.”
She didn’t want to tell her all about it, but she followed her, anyway. A vase of daisies brightened the coffee table, and the faint smell of vanilla was in the air from one of her mother’s candles. “Mom?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m a mess.”
She smiled. “We’re all a mess, honey.”
“No, I’m truly a mess.” Her mom never really got it that some people were more messed up than others. She acted like anything Lauren said or did could be washed clean with one of her dishcloths. “I’ve always been one.”
“That’s funny because when I look at you I see a beautiful, caring woman.”
I’ve duped her, too. It’s time she saw the real me.
“You see a fake. I’ve been fooling you and my teachers and everyone for years.”
Her mom made a tsking sound. “Lauren, you’ve never fooled me. You’re not a fake.”
Would the woman not wake up?
“Look, Mom.” Lauren leaned forward. “I was a rotten little girl. Got kicked out of four foster homes. I threatened a kid with a knife at one point. As an adult, I’ve made bad choices with some of my cases, and one boy is dead because of it. Another is in juvie. I didn’t do my job today. Instead of babysitting Wyatt, I was on the phone getting interviewed for a job I’m not qualified for.”
“Is that what you think?” Mom slowly shook her head. “You weren’t kicked out of any foster homes. The first one was always meant as a temporary solution. The second one’s parents had life circumstances they couldn’t control, and they wanted better for you. The third family was prosecuted for abusing the kids. The fourth led us to you. You were no more rotten than any other kid out there. I don’t care if you threatened anyone with a knife. Because I know you. Deep down, I know you. And that girl must have had a good reason to do it.”
Emotion swelled in her chest. “But, Mom—”
“No, you’re not going to convince me, Lauren. Nice try. You weren’t responsible for that boy’s death any more than you were responsible for Wyatt running off today. Look, these kids are doing things out of desperation, the same way you must have done.”
Lauren knew that desperation. Had known it as a little girl. Still knew it now.
“Your dad and I are proud of you for wanting to help children, but don’t ever think you’re required to. If it’s too hard, get into another field. God didn’t put you on earth to save every soul you come into contact with. He’s the one in the saving business. Let Him do His job.”
Is that what she’d been trying to do? Save everyone?
Yes.
Her mom was right. She almost laughed at her arrogance. Who did she think she was?
Mom took her by the shoulders and stared into her eyes. “Lauren, you do understand God loves you as is, right? You can’t earn His love. It’s a grace thing.”
That sobered her up. A grace thing.
“I’ve never let anyone get too close,” Lauren said softly. “I don’t even think I’ve let God get too close.”
“It’s never too late.” Mom held her arms open. Lauren embraced her, inhaling the rose scent of her mother’s favorite soap.
“I think I’m in love with Drew Gannon.”
Mom stepped back, her mouth dropping open. “It’s about time.”
Lauren did a double take. “What do you mean by that?”
“I’ve waited years and years for you to get serious with someone. I’m ready for grandbabies to spoil.”
Grandbabies?
“Don’t get your hopes up. I was pretty awful to him this afternoon.”
“You’re a strong woman. Go there and apologize.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.”
“No, I mean, it’s over. An apology isn’t going to cut it.” She’d burned her bridges. She was good at it. Had kept herself an island most of her life.
“He’s a good man. He stares at you like you’re a princess. He’s strong, kind, and he works hard. Go after him.”
That was the problem. He was good and kind and stared at her like she was something more than she could claim.
“If God loves you exactly the way you are, and your dad and I certainly do, don’t you think Drew does, too?”
Lauren squeezed her eyes shut. It had taken time, but she’d grown to accept and cherish her parents’ unconditional love. But Drew? He had feelings for her, sure. But he didn’t love her.
If God loved her exactly as she was and her parents did the same, why didn’t she love he
rself, flaws and all? Was it even possible?
She had enough to think about right now, and all she wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed and pretend today had never happened.
Chapter Thirteen
Drew held a paper plate with two slices of pepperoni pizza. Wyatt held an identical plate. They sat side by side in chairs on the backyard deck. Neither had touched their food or said a word since Drew picked him up from the Pierces’. He didn’t know what to say. His anger had dissipated. Confusion had taken its place.
He was used to running these situations by Lauren to find out what to do. But this time he was on his own. He couldn’t ask her how to handle the aftermath of Wyatt sneaking out. Not now. Not after all he’d said to her earlier.
He’d pushed her too far.
Right when he’d needed her the most.
He loved her, and this was his punishment for all the things he’d done wrong over the years. He’d fallen in love with beautiful-inside-and-out Lauren Pierce, and she was leaving.
And his promise?
Might be the one promise he shouldn’t or couldn’t keep. He’d told her he’d always be there for her, that nothing she did could ever push him away, but he wasn’t what she needed. He took and took, and what did he give back?
He’d pressed her into a babysitting job she didn’t want to take. Today, he’d saddled her with a tense situation beyond her control. Why hadn’t he taken a leave of absence after the People magazine article came out? He’d seen the signs in Wyatt, too. The secrets. The attitude. And he’d ignored them, carrying on as if nothing was wrong. It had been easier than facing the truth.
“Uncle Drew?” Wyatt still hadn’t touched his pizza. His eyes darted back and forth like a scared rabbit’s.
“What, Wyatt?”
“What’s going to happen now? Are you going to send me away?”
Send him away? Why would the kid ever think that?
“No. I would never send you away.”
“You promise?”
Drew waved his fingers between Wyatt’s eyes and his own. “You and I are family. There’s nothing you can do to make me send you away. Got it?”
“It’s just—”
“I know. You feel bad. You should feel bad. That’s your conscience telling you that you messed up. But God forgives all sins—so pray for forgiveness and move on. Don’t think it means you aren’t going to have consequences, though.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Uncle Drew.” He hiccupped, and sobs shook his slim body.
“Hey, it’s okay.” Drew put his arm around his shoulders. “I forgive you. I did a lot of dumb stuff when I was your age.”
Wyatt wiped his eyes, and Drew gestured for him to stand. He set Wyatt on his lap, not caring if he was too old. “The important thing is you learn from your mistakes.”
“You made mistakes?”
“I did. Still do.” He held Wyatt tightly.
“Like what?”
“Oh, all kinds of things. Mostly little things I knew better than to do. You know, like cutting in line, cheating on a test, being mean to the captain of the cheerleading squad. I learned the hard way to do the right thing, though, and you will, too. Later on, we’re going to sit down and hash out some rules.”
“Okay.”
“But first I want you to tell me why you snuck around to go play football. Do you want to play that badly?”
Wyatt stiffened, then exhaled. “Some of my friends think it’s cool Dad played football. They told me they wanted me to be on their football team. I told them no, but they kept asking, and when I didn’t say yes, they stopped talking to me.”
“It is cool your dad played pro football. But you’re cool, too. You don’t need a superstar father to be someone worth hanging out with.”
“After the magazine came out, one of them said I couldn’t play because my dad was a jailbird.”
Drew shifted his jaw. Why were kids so cruel?
“And I told him I could do whatever I wanted.”
“So you did.” Wyatt’s actions made more sense now that Drew knew the backstory.
Wyatt nodded. “I miss Dad.”
“I do, too.”
“Uncle Drew, can I tell you something, and will you promise not to get mad?”
He hated promises like that, but he nodded.
“I used to think Dad had to go after Len, but I don’t think he had to at all. What about me? Why didn’t he think about me?” He covered his face with his hands and cried. Drew rubbed his back, emotions pressing against his chest. This was one promise easy to keep.
“That’s normal, buddy. I’m mad at him, too. I kept excusing him, telling myself what a great friend he’s been—and he is a good friend, my best friend—but I didn’t want to admit how much I miss him. How I wish he would have thought about you and me before he did it.”
“Me, too.”
“I think we need to forgive him. Both of us. He’s a good man. He’s still your dad. Still my best friend. He made a mistake, and he knows it. We’re going to be okay until he gets out.”
He lifted his head, his eyes swimming in tears. “I want to visit him again.”
“It will be a little easier next time. We’ll be ready for the pat down.” Drew grinned and pretended to pat Wyatt’s sides. He laughed. “And, listen, if you really, truly want to play football, I will talk to your dad about it.”
Wyatt twisted his lips, considering. “I think I want to try soccer with Hunter.”
“I’ll sign you up tomorrow.”
Wyatt hopped off his lap and returned to his seat. He took a big bite of his slice. After he’d chewed it, he said, “I shouldn’t have gone today. I’m sorry. Think Lauren will forgive me?”
“She’s just glad you’re okay. But you still need to apologize to her. No bike riding unless it’s with me, and I’m taking your iPod for two weeks.”
“Two weeks?” he wailed.
“Want to make it three?”
Wyatt’s lips lifted into a shy smile. “Two’s fair.”
They ate their pizza in the peace of the summer night. Maybe he wasn’t so bad at raising Wyatt. Maybe he didn’t need anyone’s help.
He might not need it, but he wanted it. Lauren made everything easier. She was the part of him that had been missing his whole life.
And he’d blown it.
* * *
Lauren unlocked her apartment after leaving her parents’ house and switched on the lights. She felt like she’d been hit by a truck. She idly browsed the stack of mail in her hands as she kicked the door shut behind her. Catalog, bill, advertising postcard. Tempted to dump it all in the trash, she moved the bill to the top of the pile and almost missed the letter underneath.
Treyvon.
Her breathing hitched. She stared at the plain white envelope for a long time. Then she went to the couch, curled her legs underneath her body and opened it. Unfolding the sheet, she paused. Lord, whatever this letter contains, help me. Just help me read it.
Neat handwriting and meticulous margins greeted her. Treyvon’s teacher hadn’t been kidding when she said he was a good student.
Miss Pierce,
I got your letter. If I would have gotten it a week earlier, I would have wadded it up and thrown it in the trash, but things happened I can’t explain. You say you believe in God. I did, too, but after Jay died, I stopped believing. I had nothing left to live for.
Two days before your letter came, a pastor made his weekly visit. I ignored that guy. God ignored me all my life. But something happened this time. The words the pastor said broke through. I finally understood the difference between believing there was a God and trusting in Jesus as my Savior. You probably think I’m crazy. Maybe I am. Anyway, after talking to the pastor, I prayed for a r
eason not to give up. When I opened your letter, I was sure you were going to tell me I was stupid and killed Jay. I know I’m the reason he died. He was trying to stop me. They told me they’d kill him if I didn’t rob the store, but they killed him anyhow. I’ll always live with that.
I was scared to open your letter, but hearing about the stuff you went through gave me hope. Thank you for writing. I hope you do it again.
Treyvon Smith
She folded the letter and slipped it back inside the envelope, pondering his words.
She’d poured her heart into the one she’d sent him. Told him about feeling unwanted. Shuffled off from home to home. Pulling the knife on that kid. How she still struggled to know her place in the world. She’d told him she wanted him to know he wasn’t alone. That she cared about him. She’d asked him for forgiveness, for not helping them in time.
There were no coincidences. Three weeks ago she wouldn’t have written the letter. She would have clung to her guilt, her need to blame Treyvon to assuage that guilt and her self-pity about the situation. She would not have reached out to him.
Three weeks ago, if she would have reached out to him, he would have thrown her letter in the trash, and she would have assumed he blamed her, never to write him again.
God, You worked in my heart at just the right time. And You worked in Treyvon’s heart at the right time. You sent the pastor when Treyvon was ready to hear the words. Oh, God, You truly are awesome! How did You take a preppy girl from sleepy Lake Endwell and an impoverished teen from a gang area and unite us in spirit? How did You change my heart? How did You change his?
The pastor. The Bible. Prayer. Her parents. Drew. All worked together to begin healing them.
Her mom had said something she’d been trying to ignore, but it grew louder in her mind until it drowned out her other thoughts.
God didn’t put you on earth to save every soul you come into contact with. He’s in the saving business. Let Him do His job.
It really was a grace thing.
Tears sprung to her eyes, falling down her cheeks in little rivers. Thank You, Jesus!
The burden she’d been carrying vanished. She felt free. Free! She smiled through her tears. Wanted to jump in the air. Why not? She got to her feet, pumped her hands in the air and did a tuck. Laughed as she landed. Boy, she needed to stretch before she attempted that again.