by Arika Stone
I questioned him with my eyes.
What did his riddle mean? My train of thought was derailed by a female voice. “Good morning, Val, Eve.”
I looked up and was greeted by a slender woman with the most piercing steel-gray eyes I had ever seen. She was of average height and had streaks of blonde shooting out from beneath her naturally dark hair. She was very rock-‘n’-roll looking and very pretty.
She extended her hand to me. “Hi, I’m Dr. Lindfors. Please follow me.”
We followed her down a long corridor, into an exquisitely decorated office.
We sat down next to each other, and I interlaced my hand in his. For some reason I began to feel a great deal of anxiety overtaking me.
Dr. Lindfors sat down and opened a file on her desk. “I’m not going to tiptoe around why you are here. Your HCG levels in your blood work have come back positive for pregnancy.”
I stared at her desk, dumbfounded at her statement. My hands started to quiver, and my head became light.
“Are you sure?” Val leaned forward.
“But I have an IUD. It’s impossible.”
She looked at both of us. “The levels make it appear that you are about six weeks pregnant, but I want to take an ultrasound to confirm.” She looked at me. “When was your last menstrual cycle?”
“In early September. But my doctor told me it was possible I would skip cycles, even completely stop menstruating. Are you sure I’m pregnant?”
“That’s what we are going to find out. Have you checked the string lately?”
I shook my head. “I haven’t checked it.” I turned to Val. “I thought you said we couldn’t have kids, that you were infertile?”
“I said I thought I was damaged, but I wasn’t sure. Besides you said you had an IUD. There was no need for condoms.”
It was clear we were both vexed, but I couldn’t be bothered with an argument. I shifted my attention to Dr. Lindfors.
“When you had your last period, did you have any unusual signs? Symptoms?”
“Other than it being heavy, no.”
“Did you notice if you expelled anything?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Let’s take a look and see if the IUD is still in place.”
“And if it is?” I asked. Val remained silent.
“We’ll have to remove it to prevent any further complications with the pregnancy. I will warn you though, there are risks involved with the removal. There is a chance of spontaneous miscarriage.”
“And if she keeps it in?” Val asked.
“There is a good possibility her body will spontaneously abort the fetus within three months. Your only option is to remove the IUD. Why don’t we examine you and see what’s going on?” She rose from her desk, my file in hand, and opened the door to the office, inviting us to follow her.
I got up and looked at Val. He rose to meet me and extended his hand, wiping the tears from my face.
“We’re going to be okay,” he said.
“Of course you’ll be okay. You’re not the one who is pregnant!” I turned and proceeded to follow the doctor.
“Let’s not argue. We have a baby to worry about.”
“No, I have a baby to worry about. You’ll be working during the pregnancy, and then you’ll be touring the first year of its life.” I walked into the exam room. “We’ll discuss this later.”
I went behind the curtain as Val sat down in the chair next to the exam table. “You don’t have to be in here if you don’t want to.”
“Why wouldn’t I be here? It’s my child too.”
I reappeared from the dressing area and sat on the exam table. “I’m just nervous.”
“I know.” He reached out and held my hand. “So am I.”
“What if all the drinking and smoking I’ve done this past month has harmed the baby?” I asked with worry in my voice.
“We’ll ask the doctor. I’m sure it will be fine. It’s relatively early.”
Dr. Lindfors and the nurse reappeared again. “Okay, scoot down.” She took a seat between my legs. “I first need to see if the string is still there.” She lubed up a gloved hand and bought a little light between my legs.
I shifted downward on the table, exposing myself. I always hated these exams. They were so revealing.
“I don’t feel anything, Eve. I’m going to insert this and take a better look.” She reached for a speculum. “This may be a bit uncomfortable.”
I wasn’t sure what was more uncomfortable, lying there exposed or the actual exam itself.
“Sorry, Eve. Your IUD has migrated into your uterus, and I’m going to have to dilate you to remove it. But I want to take a sonogram first to see the position of the baby.” She moved the sonogram machine over and lowered the paper sheet, exposing my lower abdomen. She placed some jelly on the wand before pressing it onto my stomach.
The ultrasound screen lit up with black and gray masses. “There is your baby.” She pointed to a dark black circle with a small blinking line inside. “You’re about six weeks. You probably conceived about mid-November.”
Val leaned in and watched the screen. “I don’t see anything.”
Dr. Lindfors explained, “This little line…” She pointed to the screen. “Is the heartbeat.”
I focused on the doctor, who was wiggling the wand around to locate the IUD. “The IUD is right there. It can be removed, but there are still risks involved of spontaneously losing the baby.” She withdrew the wand from my stomach. “It’s a quick procedure. We’re going to insert these small needles…”
“Do we have any other alternatives?” I asked, shaken by what she was prepping. I loathed needles.
“Eve, I understand your apprehension, but this is the only choice we have at the moment.”
“Is there any way you could sedate me? Knock me out? Something?” I looked at Val for support, and he, in turn, looked at the doctor.
“It will take just a few minutes. And it shouldn’t hurt any more than when it was inserted.”
“I nearly passed out when they inserted it.”
She began to prep me. “But you survived it. I’d rather not have you under while this happens. It will be easier for you to recover.”
After few minutes of tinkering, she said, “Okay, Eve, I need you to stay as still as possible for the baby. You can’t move during this procedure, understand?”
“Val, hold my hand.”
He placed his hand in mine, gripping it tightly.
“I can’t do this.” Tears brimmed in my eyes.
“Yes you can. You have to.” He spoke softly to me.
A sharp wave of pain washed through my body. I screamed and tried to wiggle my way out of the excruciating sting that followed. I unconsciously twisted, churning in distress.
“Eve, please, I need you to hold still.” The doctor halted the procedure. “We’re halfway there.” She began again, and as soon as she did, I could feel my uterus cramp. I writhed in agony, pushing away, using the stirrups as leverage.
Suddenly chaos erupted within the exam room. Dr. Lindfors furiously shouted something in Finnish to the nurse and to Val. I was covered up, and the exam table was abruptly wheeled out into the hallway.
“Val, what the hell is going on?” I shouted. I was petrified at what was occurring.
He walked alongside of me. “She said something about you hemorrhaging. They are bringing you to the OR.”
I looked at him in sheer terror. “What’s happening?” I asked again, but before he could answer, I heard the doctor say, “Val, we’re going to need you to wait outside.”
They wheeled me into the operating room, which was mass confusion. There were nurses rapidly prepping, but everything was a blur to me. A nurse grabbed my arm.
“This will relax you.” She inserted a needle, prepping me for an IV.
“Where’s Val? I want him here with me.” Panic set in, overtaking my body.
The nurse looked at me. “Everything is going to be all r
ight, sweetie. He’s waiting outside for you. This may burn a little bit.” I looked down and noticed a long needle with white solution being pumped into the IV tubing. Moments later, the lights went out.
* * * *
I don’t know how long I was unconscious or how long the procedure took. I opened my eyes, and everything was foggy. I heard Val and Dr. Lindfors speaking softly in the background, but I couldn’t focus on their words. I closed my eyes again; sleep was trying to entrance me. I attempted to stay awake and concentrate on what they were saying. Their voices were faint over the hum of the machines.
“I’m sorry, Val. When she began to hemorrhage, we had no choice. We had to save her…”
I drifted off to sleep again. I couldn’t stay focused on their words any longer.
I wasn’t sure how long I slept, but I awoke to Val gently stroking my forehead. My eyes fluttered open.
“How are you feeling?”
“We lost the baby, didn’t we?” The situation had finally sunk in.
“Unfortunately, we did. But everything happens for a reason. We can try again later.” He smoothed my hair and kissed me on the cheek. “Let’s get you home.”
I broke out in hysterics. I couldn’t control the sadness I felt. “I wanted to have…”
“I know. It’s okay. I wanted it too.” He drew me close to him. “This is all normal what you’re feeling.”
“It’s all my fault.” I buried my head into him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.”
“Shh…it’s okay. I don’t blame you.” He rubbed my back gently.
“But what if we can’t have any more children? What if I can’t conceive?”
“If it happened once, it will happen again. Don’t worry yourself now. Let’s focus on getting better.”
Chapter 29
Two weeks passed at a dreadfully slow pace. There was nothing I could do to keep myself occupied. I couldn’t follow my regular routine, and I couldn’t go anywhere without Val following me to make sure I was okay. I felt fine. I was even feeling a bit frisky, but I couldn’t satisfy any of my urges.
I was getting extremely frustrated mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually, and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t wait for this period to pass so we could move on with our lives and not be continually reminded of the sorrow that loomed over us.
I picked at my pasta, swirling it around my plate. I was tired of eating. “Can I ask you a question?” I leaned into him. “If I told you I wanted one of those nights, would you fulfill my request?”
“Darling, your follow-up is tomorrow. We should wait for the doctor to give the okay. Besides, you may be sore still, no?”
“I didn’t mean tonight. But say a month from now, if I asked, would you dominate me?”
“No,” he said between bites.
“Why?”
“Because you would want it. Then I would be giving in to you. You’re submissive in bed to me; it’s not the other way around.”
“So if I told you I wanted you to fuck me, you wouldn’t do it?”
“That’s completely different. One of those nights implies you want me to dominate you. But if you wanted me to fuck you, I would oblige, as it would have nothing to do with role play.”
I pouted at his explanation. “I want you to fuck me. Tonight.”
He shook his head. “No. We need to wait.”
I wanted to see how far I could push him. Would he break? “Fine, fuck me in the ass. I don’t care. I need you, Val.”
“I’m really not in the mood tonight, Eve.”
“To have sex or to dominate me?” I got up from my seat and straddled him on his chair. “I don’t care what you want. I am fucking horny. I don’t care how you fuck me, where you fuck me, or what you fuck me with. I want you, now.” I dove into his luscious mouth, pressing my tongue into him.
He pushed me away. “God, Eve, where did this come from? I’ve never seen you like this before.”
“Two weeks without you. That’s what’s happened. Please, Val, I need to feel close to you again. I miss you.”
A sinister grin overcame him. With his goatee fully grown in and his hair in messy, cascading waves, he looked the part of the devil in disguise. “You want me to dominate you? Oh, Eve, I can dominate you outside of the bedroom if you want.” He slid his hands around my waist, dropping them to rest on my ass. “Now, sit down and cease this nonsense immediately.”
I withdrew in disappointment, shifting off of him. “You don’t want me, do you?”
“Oh God, Eve, no.” He threw his fork down and dropped his fist to the table sharply. “I can’t do right by you lately. Everything I say you take the wrong way. You wanted me to role-play and I did, and now you think I don’t want you. Fuck, Eve, what do you want from me?” He pushed his chair back, grabbed his plate, and abruptly left the table.
He tossed his plate into the sink. He circled around the island and approached the table again. “I’ve bent over backward these past two weeks supporting you, your every outburst and every cry in the night. You have emotionally drained me, Eve, to the point where I don’t know how to handle you anymore. Don’t you think this has been hard on me too? Or do you think you’re the only one to suffer? Don’t you think I long to be with you again as we were?” He slammed the dining room chair back into place. “Stop being so damned selfish. There are two people in this relationship, you and me.” He stormed away.
My mouth dropped open. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I decided I didn’t want to add any more fuel to the fire. Dropping it would be the best course of action. “Our marriage license came in today,” I stated casually.
“See this? This is so like you, Eve.” He raised his hand in disgust. “You won’t even acknowledge how I feel, as if my feelings are completely unimportant.” He began to ascend the steps to our bedroom. “I’m going to sleep. Goodnight.”
His sharp words surprised me. I was speechless to his comments. Could I have been that selfish these past two weeks? I replayed our conversations in my mind. His answers always indulged my questions, my fears, my feelings. It had happened to my body, not his! How could he not understand the emotional turmoil I was experiencing? Didn’t he understand my hormones were all over the map?
We'd spoken about our feelings. He’d made it clear to me that we could try for another child if I wanted. But I never asked him how he felt through all of this. Could he have been that affected?
I walked up the stairs to our bedroom quietly, cautiously. I didn’t want to have this fight. I leaned into the room to see where he was.
The room was dim. The lights were out. The only glow was coming from beneath the bathroom door.
I knocked on the door softly. “Val? Can I come in?” There was no response. I cracked open the door, peeking in. He was finishing brushing his teeth. “Can we talk?”
He spit into the sink and wiped his mouth, ignoring me.
“Val, please don’t shut me out.”
He turned to me. “You’ve done a pretty good job at shutting me out. Please, Eve, I don’t want to be angry. Just let me be.” He brushed past me, giving me a quick kiss on the forehead before going back into the bedroom.
“I didn’t know how you felt.”
“And you still don’t. You haven’t even asked me why.” He lifted the covers and got under. “I’m going to sleep. I will see you in the morning.”
I slid next to him on the bed. “Please talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”
“You don’t give up, do you?” His voice rose with anger again. “What do you want from me, Eve?”
It was the second time he’d asked me that question tonight. “I don’t want you to be angry with me because I tried to initiate sex with you.”
“This has nothing to do with sex.”
“Then tell me, why are you so cross with me?”
“You haven’t been easy these past two weeks. One minute you’re happy, and the next you’re sad. One moment you want me, and the n
ext you’re pushing me away. You can be laughing one second then screaming the next. Your rollercoaster of emotions is scaring me. And I know it’s normal. I understand your hormones are fucking with your mind. But tell me, Eve, how am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do, not knowing how you’ll react? Am I supposed to fuck you and risk you crying? What if I hurt you? Am I supposed to make love you to and have you reminded of what could have been? And I can’t dominate you because, in my mind, I constantly see the pain in your eyes from that day. I still can feel the terror you felt, and it breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready to take us back to where we left off.”
“Then let’s go back to where we first began,” I said with a twinkle in my eye.
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
I slid off the bed and grabbed his lighter from the nightstand. “You’ll see.” I walked around our bedroom, lighting the candles we had scattered about.
“What are you doing?”
I smiled and sauntered back to the bed. “I’m going to take a bubble bath and smoke a joint. You play the piano for me.”
“Eve, I’m going to sleep.”
I mounted him. “Do you love me, Val?”
He eyed me. “Yes, I do.”
“Do you trust me, Val?”
Recognition shot through his eyes. “Don’t try and flip the script on me.”
I placed my hands on his chest, pushing him down. “Do you trust me, Val? Because, goddamn it, I trust you unconditionally. You saved my life two weeks ago, and it doesn’t matter what happened the next day. I still had you. For once in my life I have learned what it is like to truly love someone. I give myself wholeheartedly to you. Now I want an answer. Do you trust me, Val?”
He breathed heavily. His face was a blank slate. Would he give in to me?
“Yes, Eve, I do.”
“Then play the piano for me. The song you played the first night we made love.” I pointed to the far corner of our suite.
He rose off the bed with a heavy aura and, without saying a word, walked to the piano bench.
“I’m going to take a bubble bath.” I reached into our cabinet and pulled out a joint.
I drew myself a warm bath and lit the joint. I stared out the window. Dusk had already fallen, but the scenery was just as lovely. The moonlight peeked its glorious silvery glow through the windows. I thought about the night we’d first become one, how perfect it had been and how beautiful our love had become.