I got dressed and walked into the living room, just in time to welcome Nancy back into the house. She was carrying a bag and a cup of coffee, smiling as she handed them to me. She had bought me breakfast: French toast with two slices of bacon. That was my favorite breakfast and the coffee was definitely needed. I didn’t bother to ask her how she knew what to get me. She would only tell me it was by deduction. She loved that word.
I sat down at the table looking out to the pool, and Nancy sat down beside me. She cupped her hand under her chin and looked at me as if for the first time. It made me uncomfortable, and I started thinking she might have poisoned the food. She could be ready to jot down, in minute detail, every second of my demise. I hesitated before taking a bite. “Didn’t you get something for yourself?”
“I had a muffin while waiting for your order.”
“Would you like a bite?”
“No! It’s for you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Don’t be silly, Joe.” With that she took off my sport coat and revealed a two-piece black bathing suit that almost made me choke on my first bite of French toast.
“Do you like?”
“What’s not to like? One would have to be blind, a corpse, or a flaming fag not to like it.”
“Thank you. I’m so happy you have a pool. I love to swim but find it uncomfortable swimming at the gym I belong to. Just a bunch of perverts staring at me like I’m a piece of meat.”
“How about swimming in the ocean?”
“Even worse; a bunch of surfer dudes with the IQ of donkeys making lewd and insulting remarks.”
“I see how it can be tough.”
“Evolution came to a halt for men about a thousand years ago, when you started thinking solely with your penises.”
“Very good French toast …” I desperately tried to change the subject. It did not escape me that she included me with all the other men in mentioning the evolution of the male species.
“Does it taste as good as what your father would make for you on Saturday mornings?”
“Almost, but not quite.” I was ready to ask how she knew my father made French toast on Saturday mornings, and then I remembered — simple deduction.
Chapter Seven
She walked outside, tucked her hair under a swimming cap, and dove into the pool with barely a splash, and like a teenage boy I waited for her top to come loose and float off. She was right; I was thinking with my penis. I was a perfect example of the stalled evolution of the male species. A thousand years of thinking solely with our genitals.
I cleared the table as the coffee gave me that much-needed boost. A Japanese car manufacturer had just gotten the okay to build a plant in Kentucky. They were getting a bunch of negative press from a lot of uninformed politicians and citizens who feared that the Japanese might have lost the big war but were winning the economic war against us, buying us out from under our own feet. The argument was insane. The US economy was ten times bigger than the Japanese economy and the plant was going to provide thousands of well-paying jobs with excellent benefits for the citizens of Kentucky. The car company executives were greatly concerned about their image. They did not want to open the plant and see a never-ending parade of protests right outside their doors.
I started to sketch Nancy, who was sitting in a beach chair reading, marking up another new Russian novel. I imagined the subject (Nancy) throwing her arms around her husband (subject #2) as he walked out of the car plant. They get into their new Japanese car and look in the back seat where a baby seat is attached. They smile at each other and start …
The phone rang. I picked it up on the second ring, just before Nancy picked up the pool phone that was right beside her. I didn’t hear the usual click that you hear when someone on another extension hangs up. I guess she didn’t believe in privacy. She had no problem breaking into my house. Surely she was entitled to know with whom I was speaking. It was my precious Maggie sounding very apologetic. I reassured her that she had done nothing wrong and was quite entertaining.
“I didn’t have any panties on when I woke up with all my other clothes on from last night. Did we have sex and I just don’t remember?”
“No! You went to the bathroom and before you could pull your panties down you peed all over yourself. No big deal.”
“I told you that?”
“Yes, you were very forthcoming last night.”
“I was worried because I was ovulating yesterday and I didn’t have any protection.”
“Not to worry, sweetheart, nothing happened.”
“If I didn’t feel so messed up from last night I would come over there right now and fuck your brains out.”
“That’s very sweet of you, Maggie, but I think you really need more rest. And whatever you do, don’t smoke anymore of that pot from yesterday. I think it might have been laced with something.”
“I won’t! I’m sure I’ll feel better in a few hours. Maybe I can come over then and we can play doctor?”
“Wouldn’t you rather stay at home and spend some quality time with the children?”
“No! That’s why I have a full-time nanny. They like her better than me anyway.”
“I seriously doubt that.”
“Joe, I must have eaten an awful lot last night because I barfed up stuff I didn’t recognize.”
“You had a variety of wonderful dishes.”
“Well, I’m happy it’s all out of my system now. Otherwise I would have to spend ten hours at the gym tomorrow.”
“Drink a lot of water, Maggie. I’ll see you on Monday.”
“I love you, Joe.”
“I love you, too.”
Maggie hung up, and, before Nancy could, I yelled into the phone. “Did you get all that, Nancy?”
“My God, you don’t have to yell into the phone. How rude!”
I slammed the phone down as I saw her get up from the pool chair and walk toward the house. I looked at her as she sat down next to me.
“Seriously, Nancy, did no one ever teach you to respect people’s privacy, especially when you’re a guest?”
“I was curious.”
“And that’s supposed to make it right? What are you jealous of? Maggie? Is that it?”
She looked away from me and didn’t say anything for a long moment.
“Yes, I am.”
“Seriously, you’re jealous of Maggie?”
She looked directly at me and replied, “Yes, Joe, I’m jealous of Maggie. I told you I don’t lie.”
“Everybody lies!”
“I don’t, unless the truth is going to seriously hurt a good person. As much as I hate to admit it, I am jealous of that dimwit. I thought a guy like you would be smart enough not to fall for someone like her.”
“She’s my closest friend, maybe my only friend in this whole town.”
“She’s a friend with an awful lot of benefits attached to her. It’s a good thing you two didn’t have sex last night. I can only imagine what type of creature you would have produced.”
I didn’t give Nancy the satisfaction of an answer. Maggie and I would have had beautiful children together, sons or daughters who looked like Maggie. Her two children, though terribly misbehaved, were adorable.
I suddenly noticed a chain with the Star of David attached hanging from Nancy’s neck. “What’s with the Star of David? Looking for divine intervention to help you with your lack of social skills?”
“Excuse me,” she replied angrily. “You don’t see me making fun of the crucifix around your neck.”
“That’s because I always wear it. It was a gift from my mother. This is the first time I’ve seen you wearing that chain.”
“How do you know it wasn’t in the shop getting fixed?”
“Because you don’t have any money.”
“True enough.”
“Believe me, I’m overjoyed to know that you believe in something bigger than yourself.”
“Very funny. I’m wearing it as a sort of experi
ment. A cause-and-effect type of thing.”
“Of course you are. How foolish of me to think you were wearing it for any other reason.”
“Did you enjoy watching me swim?”
“What type of question is that?”
“A simple yes or no is all that’s required. I usually wear a one-piece bathing suit when I swim, but I figured you would be more interested if you thought at any moment the top would come off and you would get to see my boobs.”
“I’ve already seen your boobs. Do I look like a teenager?”
“No, but I’m fairly sure that’s exactly what you were hoping for. Once covered, they become a whole new fascination.”
“Wow! You really do think of yourself as a goddess.”
“No, I don’t — but you do.” She got up from the chair and started walking away, untying her bikini top and flinging it over her head. It landed at my feet. “I’m going to take a shower. Please don’t interrupt. I like my privacy and I am in no mood to fuck anyone’s brains out.”
I was tempted to leave the house and go straight to Maggie’s. But then I thought better of it … her children, their mother hungover, and that nanny with the bad attitude. That situation was actually worse than having to deal with Nancy the stuck-up goddess.
I went back to my sketches but discarded that idea, then went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of chardonnay.
Nancy reappeared, her hair wet from the shower, wearing one of my dress shirts and nothing else that I could see. She was combing her hair, slowly, teasing like a model in one of my commercials. I was convinced at that moment that she was either trying to drive me mad or make me die of a heart attack while drooling over her like a pathetic fool.
“Do you have any clothes of your own?” I asked. She laughed.
“A little early to be drinking?”
“Not when you’re around.”
She sat down on the couch beside me, took the glass out of my hand, and took a large sip. “Why don’t you get yourself a glass?”
“It’s more romantic this way.” She handed me back the glass and laid her head in my lap. “The only thing missing are some grapes for you to feed me.”
“Very biblical, like your Star of David.”
“The Star of David didn’t come into existence until the seventeenth century. It isn’t even mentioned in the Bible.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“I’m surprised, considering how many Jewish customers your firm must have as clients.”
“I doubt any of my Jewish clients would know that.”
“Oh, I forgot … your clients are mainly the unethical type. The only religion they know is peddling lies and accumulating large profits.”
She lifted her head, took the glass out of my hand, and had another big sip.
“You don’t know anything about my clients and business associates.”
“You’d be surprised at what I know.” She laid her head back down and looked up at me with those big blue eyes. “No need to get defensive. Do you think your parents would be happy with your wealth and success?”
“I don’t see why not. Surprised, but happy.”
“Surprised? Why’s that? You don’t think they expected much from you?”
“Before I went to college, I was a classic underachiever.”
“It’s a real shame they didn’t get to live longer and see what their only child has accomplished. I think they would be very proud.”
“Are you being sarcastic?”
“Absolutely not. I might dislike the type of work you do, but I respect you as a person and your achievements. I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t see the overwhelming goodness in you and the many wonderful qualities you possess.”
“Thanks, Nancy!” That was a refreshing and unexpected compliment. I braced myself for the follow-up.
“Do you plan on using my image you were sketching in a campaign?”
“Not without your consent. And you’ll get paid.”
“What are you selling?”
“A car.”
“Just a car or a company that manufactures cars?”
“A company. They’re getting a lot of bad press about a plant they want to build down south.”
“A foreign company. I read about it. No, I don’t want you to use my image.”
“Okay. I’ll use Maggie instead.”
“Good, why don’t you do that? Apparently, your precious little assistant has no problem selling herself.”
“She understands the importance of money and I don’t remember her ever borrowing any from me.”
“I’m keeping track of the money I’ve borrowed.”
“I know! I imagine you’re really good at math.”
“I’m exceptional. After we get married, can I turn one of those empty rooms at the back of the house into a study for myself?”
“Wow! That’s a leap forward.”
“Why? We’re a perfect match.”
She lifted her head up and took the glass again, her wet hair leaving a spot on my pants. “You don’t think so?” she asked in an unbelieving tone, as if questioning her statement and deduction was an insult.
“Do you remember some of the things you’ve said to me? The criticisms that sting like an Ali punch?”
“Surely you’re smart enough to know that critiques are meant to be constructive and enlightening.”
“You’re joking,” I replied, and she stared at me like I was an experiment in stupidity.
“No, I’m not joking! Frankly, I’m shocked you don’t see our similarities.”
“I’ve known you for four days, Nancy. Granted, an eventful four days, but four days all the same.”
“Most guys ask me to marry them after a few hours.”
“That’s because they haven’t been stung as many times as I have.”
“Wow! You’re even less of a man than I thought.”
“There you go again. Do you even listen to the things that come out of your mouth?”
She stood up and bent over to grab the bottle of wine, and in so doing put her bare ass right up against my face. Never did such a lovely butt deserve a really good spanking. She quickly turned and in one motion gave me a full-frontal view of her lower anatomy.
“It was a suggestion, a simple hint that I was open to the idea of marrying you, but now it’s more obvious than ever that your darling Maggie has the inside track on that.”
“Maggie’s been married and divorced twice. She has two children. I imagine if I wanted to, I could have been her first or second husband. It’s silly to think that I’m aiming to be her third, especially with those obnoxious kids I’d inherit.”
She looked down at me as she fiddled with the Star of David around her neck. “Interesting how my little experiment is yielding results even quicker than I could have predicted.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” She filled the wine glass again and started walking back toward the pool area.
“How about leaving me my glass?”
“How about you get your sorry ass off the couch and get yourself another glass?”
I got my sorry ass off the couch, walked into the kitchen, and got myself another glass. I walked back into the living room and there she was, standing by the couch.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. She looked quite confused and devoid of her usual self-confidence.
“Nothing!”
“I thought you never lie.”
“I don’t. I’m just a little tired and didn’t want to fall asleep in the sun.”
She sat down on the couch and I sat down beside her. I filled my glass with wine and asked, “Where’s your glass?”
“I left it outside.” She took my glass, had a sip, and put the glass on the table. She placed her head against my chest and hugged me. “I slept so well like this last night.” She fell asleep quickly as I ran my hand through her hair. There are moments, mere seconds of profound awareness, in which our lives are redefined and the disguises our
friends and loved ones wear are unmasked. And the knowledge we attain during these brief flashes of discovery and revelation defines the trustworthiness and honesty that we seek in ourselves and cherish in others.
Nancy’s grip around my waist was tight. She trusted me in a way I don’t think she ever trusted another person, and unmasked her vulnerabilities for the one person she knew would understand.
She slept for a couple of hours and announced upon waking that she was starving. We decided to eat lunch at a French restaurant in Studio City. She put on a pair of my underwear and flip-flops and was about to walk out the door when I grabbed her by the arm and told her there was no way we were going out in public with her barely dressed. She walked back into my bedroom and took out a pair of my pants from my closet. She pinned the pants up and attached a pair of suspenders to keep the pants from falling.
“How do I look?”
“Like a beautiful hobo dressed in very expensive clothes, but at least you won’t be starting any riots dressed like that.”
Chapter Eight
The maître d’ sat us toward the back of the restaurant. The poor fellow couldn’t help but stare at Nancy’s breasts, which were quite visible through the gaps in the shirt she wore.
She rudely asked, “Have you never seen a woman’s breasts before?”
He blushed and I quickly ordered an expensive bottle of red wine. Last night’s adventure with Maggie had put me on full alert. I wasn’t about to repeat anything remotely similar to that nightmare. The maître d’ walked away as I reached over and buttoned Nancy’s shirt. “What? You don’t like the view?”
“Don’t be silly, I love the view.” I lifted her head up and looked directly into her face. “It’s the most magnificent view I’ve ever seen.”
“Thank you, Joe. I promise not to tell if you promise to stop fucking Maggie.”
I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to her remark so I didn’t. The headwaiter came over and opened the bottle of wine. I had Nancy taste the wine and like a real professional she swirled it around in her glass, smelled the bouquet, and took a small taste. She paused as she looked at me with her mirthful blue eyes. “Lovely.” The waiter filled our glasses halfway and left us to look at the menus.
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