Kiss and Cry

by Ramona Lipson

  That night I was so excited for the dance it was hard to settle down and sleep but I forced myself because I wanted to look my best.

  The Valentines Dance

  The next day we went to all our classes and then after school, we climbed into Tara’s car and headed to the top salon in Toronto. They were waiting for us.

  The salon was elegantly furnished with solid wood floors and old red barber chairs in an older area of Toronto. They offered us coffee or hot chocolate but we didn't take them up on their offer, we were all too nervous about what they were going to do to us.

  The stylists had various levels of experience and the higher the level the more we had to pay for our hair. I chose the highest level.

  We gave them three hours and the liberties to do whatever they wanted to us. The hairdressers gave us the choice whether we wanted to watch or be surprised, I chose to be surprised, Tara and Sierra watched.

  The stylists warned them that they already had beautiful haircuts so they would just be tweaking it. Tara and Sierra glowed with their compliments.

  My hairdresser looked perplexed, “You on the other hand need a lot of work!” It took her the full three hours and when she was done Tara and Sierra were gob struck at the profound changes. But we had no time to sit there and ogle each other, there was a dance to go to.

  We rushed out of the salon, into Tara’s car and straight to the dance without a moment to spare. We grabbed our bags of clothing from the back seat and got dressed and painted our faces in the school’s bathrooms.

  When I was done I stepped away from the mirror, unable to recognize myself. I still had the patch but with my new platinum blond colour it was much less noticeable. The dress looked so red or my hair looked so white it was hard to tell but it was a shocking change. I loved it!

  We walked in like a modern version of ‘Charlie's Angels’. Pitbull’s ‘Fireball’ was playing nice and loud and the dance floor was packed to capacity. Sierra complained, “I hate Pitbull,” but we ignored her and went running onto the floor to join the fun.

  “Where’s the guys?” Tara shouted in my ear.

  “Who know’s!” I screamed back.

  The music slowed and I felt a tap on my shoulder. I fully expected it to be Ryan but when I turned, I found Adam. His hair had grown, and he was wearing a white shirt that glowed under the lights making him appear as though he had a dark tan. He wore dark dress pants which wasn’t normal for him because he always wore jeans. I was completely enamoured, “May I have this dance,” he asked.

  “I’d love to,” I breathed. He opened his arms for me and I snuggled into them. “I missed you,” I confessed in his ear. He pulled away from me ever so slightly staring into my eyes before he took liberties and kissed me softly on my lips. Then he took me into a full on kiss which was demanding, capturing my attention and making me soar into the clouds.

  He pulled away to tell me, “You look amazing, I missed you more than you’ll ever know. Can we go somewhere and talk?”

  “I’d like that,” I agreed. We kissed the entire song with the exception of when we caught our breaths. When it ended we started leaving when I noticed Ryan’s figure barricading the door. I froze on the spot. Ryan was wearing all black which made his eyes look darker, more intense. His hair was freshly cut and his wisps were gone. He earned his nickname Tara had created tonight, because he was more than gorgeous.

  Adam looked in the direction I was looking in and complained, “You’ve got to be kidding. Do you guys have something going on between you?”

  “Nothing Adam, I swear.”

  Pissed off at the situation he grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled me into this wild open mouthed kiss knowing full well Ryan was watching the entire time. He pressed his body firmly into mine pulling me in by my waist. He was staking his claim and I was enjoying every second of it even though I didn’t feel it was necessary. It was obvious to me Ryan wasn’t interested or he would have tried something on me a long time ago. We spent enough time together. He had tons of chances. “Let me deal with him,” I suggested to Adam.

  “If you don’t, I’ll be more than happy to,” he warned.

  I approached Ryan who suddenly grabbed my arm and snatched me out from the dance. I started struggling to get away from him but it was absolutely ridiculous. He was a friggin sixteen year old hercules. Seconds later the door opened behind us and Adam called out, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

  “I want to talk to her,” Ryan answered.

  “Why don’t you ASK her if she wants to go with you instead of grabbing her barbarically?” demanded Adam.

  Ryan looked down at me, his eyebrow’s furrowed and his stare intensified, “You made a choice,” he reminded me.

  “Ya, you don’t have to remind me, tonight isn’t about the choice I made, it’s about me having a little bit of fun, so if you’ll excuse us, Adam wants to talk to me in private.” Ryan’s jaw clenched but he let me pass, and Adam started following me out of the school.

  “The asshole likes you,” Adam said loud enough for Ryan to hear.

  “Don’t fuck him,” Ryan said loud enough for both of us to hear.

  “You told him about us?” Adam said under his breath still loud enough for Ryan to hear.

  “I had nothing to hide, they needed to know anyway when I was in the hospital,” I explained.

  “Hospital?” Adam sounded distraught.

  “I fainted from dehydration after we broke up. I wasn’t taking care of myself.” I explained.

  “I don’t want to talk in front of your asshole partner,” Adam complained, again loud enough for Ryan to hear.

  “Then lets go to your car,” I agreed.

  Ryan stormed off slamming the door behind him.

  It was freezing outside so Adam opened the door for me and he ran around to the other side. He put his key into the ignition and turned the heater on. I was shivering. He started rubbing my arms trying to warm me up, unconcerned about himself.

  “Ryan made me choose between a skating career with him or you. He forced me to pick. I’ve been skating since I was four years old.”

  “I get that,” Adam said. “It doesn’t make anything easier. I still lost you.”

  “It was hard on me too,” I confided.

  “Have you done anything with him or anyone else since me?” asked Adam.

  “Nothing, He doesn’t care about me the way you do, he just cares that I risked getting pregnant and ruining our skating careers.”

  I fed him back his own question expecting the same response, “Have you done anything with anyone since me?” He hesitated, which gave me my answer. A flash of anger coursed through my body. Instantly I reasoned that I couldn’t have meant that much to him if he could be with someone else so soon after I gave him my virginity. I was furious. I reached for the door handle, and he grabbed my wrist to stop me but unlike Ryan he had a pansy assed grip of my wrist and I got away. I ran crying back to the cafeteria in search for Tara.

  Ryan captured me in the midst of my search. He grabbed my wrist and like usual I tried to pull away again when I shouldn’t have bothered, “Let me go!” I insisted. He saw the tears, the blood shot eyes, everything he needed to see before scooping me up with my arms pinned to my sides kicking and screaming against my will. Nobody even tried stopping him!

  He opened his car door and started forcing me inside. Aware of his strength I did what he wanted and waited for him to get in.

  “What did he do?” Ryan growled.

  “He asked me if I had been with anyone since him, when I said no, I asked him the same question and his answer was different. He’s been with someone since we broke up.”

  “That surprises you?”

  He reached into the back seat and threw me a sweater, “Put this on. I can’t believe your parents let you out dressed like that.” He started the car throwing her into reverse angrily.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “I’m taking you home.”<
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  “That’s great, I didn’t even get to have any fun. What about Tara and Sierra? They’re going to be worried.”

  “Do you have your phone?”

  “No, It’s in Tara’s car.”

  “You can text them with mine.” He drove while I texted. I didn’t expect to hear back from them. They were probably still having fun at the dance. I on the other hand was in tears being dragged home against my will. Ever since I met Adam and Ryan I’ve been a complete mess. I’m swearing off guys, forever!

  He pulled up in my driveway. Ryan obtaining privileges from my parents that no other guy ever managed. With his car idling, he stared at me.

  “Pictures last longer,” I said sarcastically.

  “They also don’t talk back,” he cracked. I rushed out of his car, and this time he didn’t stop me.

  Later That Same Night

  I got home so early from the dance that when mom and dad heard the front door open they instinctively came running. Mom arrived in the foyer first hardly able to contain her curiosity, “Your home early, what happened?” Nothing like mom and the way she cut to the chase. Tact wasn’t in her vocabulary.

  I kicked my shoes off and hung Ryan’s sweater in the closet, “I don’t really want to talk about it right now,” I said hoping this would put an end to their questions.

  “Give us a hint Honey, I don’t want to hear your mother speculate in bed all night. You know how she drones on with her imaginary ‘scenario’s’!”

  Mom sliced dad an evil eye before turning to me, “I can’t believe your hair,” she said awe stricken.

  “Do you like it?”

  “It looks lovely Honey,” dad said without waiting for mom’s input. He would have said the same thing if I had come home with a mohawk, he was just good old supportive dad. The easiest person in the world to get along with and love. Why wasn’t that enough for me?

  “Thanks dad! I love it too!”

  “It’s ridiculous!” mom disagreed. “The cut is nice, but you can’t maintain that colour! We’ll dye it back before the competitions start.”

  “I’m keeping it,” I said stubbornly.

  “What happened at the dance?” dad redirected.

  “We arrived fashionably late, and I bumped into Adam with whom I was more than happy to spend a little bit of time with. If you want to know why, I was seeking closure and I THOUGHT Adam was too.”

  “Anyway, Ryan saw us talking and he got all in our faces, grabbing me and pulling me out of the dance against my will. Adam came running out to protect me from him.”

  Mom started giggling, “Like Ryan would ever treat you like that,” she continued. “That boy doesn’t have a rude bone in his body.”

  “Little do you know,” I said dismissively. “Eventually Ryan let me talk to Adam, and I found out that I was just a notch in his dating pole, I was so upset. Ryan noticed and forced me to go home.”

  “I told you to stay away from that boy,” mom warned. “You’re going to upset Ryan.”

  “And we couldn’t have that,” I said sarcastically.

  “She doesn’t need to hear that tonight,” dad told mom.

  “Can I go upstairs now? I’ve got skating in the morning.”

  “Sure, Honey,” dad said dismissing me.

  I didn’t have my phone with me. I couldn’t text Tara and Sierra about what happened. Forlorn, I had no choice but dress in my pyjama’s and go to bed. I laid awake thinking about how easily Adam sought comfort with another girl, while I was still in love with him and mourning our nonexistent relationship.

  The next morning Ryan picked me up to take me skating and we drove in silence the entire way to the arena. I didn’t dare look at him. I felt his eyes land on me from time to time, but I didn’t acknowledge it. His cologne filled the air the way it always did, but I refused to swoon over him like all the other girls at school or pay him a compliment.

  When we arrived at the arena EVERYBODY said we looked amazing together. Shying away, I said I better hurry to get ready for practice, leaving Ryan with the regular onlookers in the lounge. I quickly departed to change.

  Ryan and Coach Hicks were talking rink side. Coach Hicks motioned for me to come over and join them. He was staring at me speechless for a second before he forced himself to go on, “As you are well aware competition season is well underway and I’m sure you’ve noticed we haven’t entered you in any this season. I’ve chosen to present you to the public in the new competition year which will give us enough time to work on lifts and throws.”

  “We will focus on our throws until the club pool is open and then you can work on your lifts. I intend to have you ready for competition beginning November of this year. Any questions?” We both shook our heads no and waited for further instruction. “Go warm up,” he ordered.

  I didn’t take Ryan’s hand. I stretched both legs and then began stroking around on my own. I started with an axel and then began working my way through my double rotation jumps. As I progressed, I went on to my triple rotation jumps excluding the one I injured myself on, the triple axel.

  Ryan’s arm slid around my waist after I stopped to take a drink from the fountain, “Are you ready?” he asked me. He didn’t know I was in the zone, but Coach Hicks did.

  “No,” I said.

  Coach Hicks instructed Ryan, “Leave her.” A lot of skaters cleared a pathway for me, some stood rink side watching. Ryan was one of them. “She has to do this,” Coach said to Ryan with his eyes glued to me.

  Determined to do this, I stroked the length of the ice, building up the speed and courage I needed to land the jump. I paused gliding backwards for a fraction of a second and then I stepped forward with my left foot while throwing my right leg fearlessly into the air as my body began to rotate on it’s axis three and a half revolutions before landing backwards on my right outside edge. I did it! Adrenaline was pumping through my veins and I felt exhilarated. Everyone in the rink clapped for me knowing I had just conquered the jump that injured me. Coach Hicks came running out onto the ice to hug me and shower me with kisses of pride, but it was Ryan who got their first.

  That night, I had something good to tell my parents.

  Lifts

  The month of June was the only month of the year that Ryan and I had no ice time. We trained off ice in the gym and worked in the pool on our lifts. Lifts in the pool was a much anticipated time for me, not so much for Ryan who had done this before.

  The pool at the club was reserved privately for us. When I asked Coach Hicks why it was private, he said, ‘I don’t want you landing on someone’s head while they’re swimming.’ His comment snowballed my cowardice of being carried over Ryan’s head on the ice into a complete state of panic.

  Tara loaned me her brand new bathing suit for my first day of training in the pool. Ryan and I left from school to meet Coach Hicks there. I had one thing going against me and one thing going for me: Going for me was that my monthly friend had already come and gone, so there was no chance of anything like that happening in the pool. Going against me was that I hadn’t checked the bag to see what Tara loaned me. If I had, I never would have borrowed it.

  In the senior ladies locker room I pulled out the skimpiest black bikini I’ve ever seen in my life. It made Victoria Secret lingerie look conservative. Hicks and Ryan were expecting me. My car wasn’t here, so there was no chance of running home and grabbing something different. I was stuck and mortified.

  I tore my clothes off racing to change into the strings to beat them out to the pool area so they wouldn’t see me get into the water. With any luck, most of what we were going to be doing today would be submerged. I could hope anyway.

  I dashed out onto the club’s deck to find both men were present and waiting for me. Ryan was wearing a dark pair of bathing shorts that went down to his knee’s. His eyes that I found myself getting lost in from time to time pierced mine as they collided with each other. His perfect jawline tightened when he saw me. When my eyes reached his chest and six
pack they wanted to hover their but I resisted temptation. I would have admired it for a second or too longer if I wasn’t so self-conscious and dying to get into the water.

  I scurried towards the steps into the shallow end of the pool and walked quickly down them ignoring the frigid temperature. I acted calm as my body was reacting to the drastic temperature change betraying me. My nipples harden and immediately glancing in Ryan’s direction I noticed his eyes fixed on them. I covered my breasts with my arm and dove deeper into the water submerging my head. Ryan followed me in.

  The coach distracted both of us with the instructions of our first lift. It took us multiple attempts before achieving the balance and trust needed for him to bring me up over his head.

  When we did, I felt this rush of adrenaline wash over me again, just like when I landed the triple axel, and I glanced down at him in all my glory of conquering a fear and that’s when I noticed, IT, the great white lurking beneath the water in those innocent swimming trunks.

  He saw me, see IT.

  “Put me down!” I shrieked kicking and screaming, throwing his balance off, but he recovered and slowly slid me down his body until I was standing on my own feet pressed up against him.

  Coach Hicks grinned knowingly before turning his back to us saying, “Resolve your issues!” Hicks walked off and I turned to Ryan, “What was that?” I insisted.

  He tightened his grip on me and said in a lowered voice, “I think you know.”

  “Since when?” I asked.

  “Since the day I laid eyes on you,” he admitted. “That damned bikini is making it hard for me to ignore.”

  His hand rested on the back of my neck and he guided my face to his. He kissed my forehead, and then my cheeks, my chin, and then finally my lips. His lips guided mine to open for him and then he filled me with his tongue, kissing me fully. I felt my heart flutter and a warmth that didn’t make sense in cold water.