by Nicola May
‘Now who was it sang “The Long and Winding Road”, Mo?’ Joan joked, gathering her brood for the chilly walk home.
Alana finished off her conference call with the German venue, sat back on her study chair and let out a big sigh. Thank heavens for technology, she thought. At least she could be ill in the comfort of her own home and still not fall behind with work – especially as there was a big launch coming up in Berlin. Sadie from SM Public Relations was doing a fine job but without Stephen at the helm, Alana lacked confidence in the whole event.
She crossed another day off her calendar and tears pricked her eyes. Not long now and he would be back from wherever he was. She had imagined all sorts of scenarios. Stephen being ill. His wife being ill. Maybe a breakdown at the fact that he hadn’t been involved with bringing up his own child. She couldn’t bear to think that he had turned his back on her and Eliska, even though after the way she had behaved he had every right to. But, no – he was too strong for that, wasn’t he?
She put her hand on her abdomen. And now there was another little baby on the way. A little baby, and even she couldn’t be sure who the daddy was. She ruffled her hair as if to clear her thoughts. Right now, the baby was just a little bundle of cells inside of her and it would be far too complicated and selfish to even consider going ahead with this pregnancy.
She turned to her computer and did a search for private clinics. Just as she was about to pick up the phone to make an appointment, the front door bell rang.
‘Mummeee!’ Eliska belted through the front door. ‘Can Tommy come for tea and make a snowman?’
‘What – now, sweetheart?’
‘He’s in the car.’ She opened the front door more widely and waved vigorously at Dana’s silver 4x4. Alana thought of all the times that Dana had been her saviour, so she gave in.
‘All right then, but we’ll have to get a take-away. I’ve got no food in.’
Dana walked carefully up the icy path and stopped in the porch.
‘Sorry it’s such short notice, but Eliska was insistent it was Tommy’s turn to come to you.’
‘It’s fine. I’m just a bit confused to see you as Robbie was supposed to be getting her.’
‘He did. I just dropped Mo and Rosie off, saw Robbie and Eliska walking – or should I say skidding in the snow – so dropped him at the Youth Centre and came straight here. He said he was going to text you.’
‘He probably did. I’ve been on a call.’
Dana suddenly went very pale and very quiet. She put her hand to her forehead.
‘Sorry Alana, can I come in? Suddenly feel a bit dizzy,’ she said quietly.
Alana ushered her to the kitchen table and put a glass of water down next to her. She caught a glimpse of Tommy and Eliska through the window, running around like mad things throwing snowballs at each other.
Dana took a sip of water and sat upright.
‘That’s better. Thanks. How embarrassing.’
‘Not pregnant, are you?’ Alana said instinctively.
‘I wish, I wish,’ Dana replied. ‘I’ve been trying for a long time now, after Tommy. I think I’m just a bit tired, that’s all. Always in three places at one time, me.’
‘Oh, right,’ was all Alana could muster, feeling already that too much had been said. ‘Well, if you’re OK now, sorry to rush you off but I have another quick call to make and then I shall order the children some tea. I’ll ring for a taxi for Tommy later – it’s too damn snowy to drive.’
Dana was horrified at the other woman’s uncaring attitude but didn’t show it. ‘It’s fine. I’ve got to pick Mark up from the station at seven, so I’ll drop by then and get him.’
Dana got into her car, thinking how glad she was that she hadn’t confided in Alana about the dizziness being caused by the IVF. She was more than happy to give anyone a chance and yes, she wanted to make new friends. But Alana Murray was a hard icicle to melt and Dana didn’t have the energy at the moment to even want to try.
Alana went straight to her study and picked up the house phone.
‘Good afternoon, the Salisbury Clinic, Rene speaking, how can I help?’ the posh voice at the end relayed.
The elated screams of Eliska and Tommy playing caught Alana’s ear.
‘Oh, er, sorry – wrong number.’
Alana put her hand to her stomach, tears rolling down her face. She keyed in Stephen’s number. The mobile you are calling is switched off.
‘Where are you?’ she shouted to the air. ‘Where the bloody hell are you?’
‘Kat and Alfie won’t stop fighting, Daddy,’ Lily screeched from the bedroom. ‘And Lola won’t let me play with them.’
Gordon raised his eyebrows at Inga and put down the newspaper he was reading. Lola then came tearing into the lounge showing off a small scratch on her hand.
‘Lily made Kat scratch me,’ Lola whined.
‘Right, that’s it.’ Gordon got up. ‘Lily, in here now.’
Inga gathered both girls on her lap as Gordon headed to the bedroom.
As he pushed open the door, the black tom shimmied up the Hannah Montana curtains and the smaller prettier tortoiseshell just looked at him as if to say, ‘Wasn’t me.’
Gordon retrieved them both and shut them in the kitchen. He then walked back into the lounge to address his girls. ‘Right, you two. You are very lucky to have Kat and Alfie. You know that I didn’t really want any more pets, so you must play nicely with them, do you hear?’
‘Yes, Daddy,’ they said in unison.
‘No wonder they fight if all they’ve got to go on is you two monkeys shouting at each other. You must set them a better example. The kittens are in the kitchen for now having their tea, so leave them be for a bit, OK?’
‘OK,’ they chorused..
‘I’m hungry,’ Lily then piped up.
‘Dinner eez in half an hour,’ Inga told her.
Gordon started to laugh when the twins were out of sight.
‘I can see why Chris hot-footed it now. It isn’t easy, this parenting lark, now is it?’
Inga laughed back. ‘Gordon, kittens eez nothing. Wait until it’s boys they are fighting over.’
Her voice then softened. ‘Any news from Chris?’
‘Yes, actually. The Christmas card that I showed you, and an email last week. He’s moved back in with his brother in Toronto as a base for now.’
‘Do you still miss him?’
‘Of course, but it’s getting easier. Time is a healer, that’s for sure. The girls rarely mention him now.’
‘You gotta fight, fight fight fight fight for this love,’ Inga sang.
‘Don’t give up your day job, will you. No, there’s no need to fight. He will always have a place in my heart. He’s moved on and I have to respect that.’
‘And there are just so many men and so little of the time.’
‘You saying I’m a slut or something, Inga Gowenska?’ They both laughed.
‘Talking of sluts,’ Gordon continued. ‘Can you babysit on Thursday? I think it’s time that little ol’ me had some fun.’
‘I’m signing up for Weight Busters on Thursday,’ Mo announced as she and Joan marched around the park. ‘It’s the only way I am going to lose more weight: shame myself into it. You up for it?’
‘Ooh I don’t know,’ Joan grimaced.
‘Oh come on, if it’s too awful we can just stop going. And I’ve chosen one in Micklehurst, so we are unlikely to bump into anyone we know.’
‘I’ve heard that if you put on even a pound they make you strip naked and beat you with cheese straws,’ Joan sniggered.
‘Maybe we should make a film of that and sell it at the school fete – imagine old Preachy Knickers’ face,’ Mo said.
‘She’d probably want to star in it with those knockers.’
They both giggled like schoolgirls. Cissy joined in from her pushchair.
‘Here, let me take her.’ Mo took the handles. ‘Increases the heart-rate, evidently.’
&nbs
p; Rosie, Clark, Kent and Skye shrieked as they did relays down the slide.
‘It’s good to see you laughing, Mo.’
‘It’s good to laugh. Although on a serious note, Joanie, I’m actually in a dilemma.’
‘Oh, mate. What is it?’
‘Well, it’s good that Ron has stopped drinking but I was foolish thinking that it would be plain sailing. He’s so agitated at night and when he does eventually go to bed, his sleep is so disturbed that he wakes me all of the time. He still has night sweats and I know he’s really trying not to be, but he’s so bloody moody. I’ve been cooking him lots of nice food to compensate for the lack of alcohol, but he pushes it away saying he’s not hungry half the time.’
‘Oh, Mo.’
‘And do you know what the worst thing is?’
‘Go on,’ Joan urged.
‘I am sick and tired of looking after him. I just want someone to worry about me and Rosie for a change. One day, it would be just so lovely to come home to a cooked meal, a bunch of flowers or even just a bloody cup of tea. I’ve been treading on eggshells for years now – and yes, I know that alcoholism is a disease, but he’s hurt me, Joan. He’s hit me. He’s scared Rosie and I’ve just about had enough.’
‘Is the Escape Fund still going?’ Joan enquired.
Mo started pushing Cissy faster at the thought of her son failing her. She let out a big sigh.
‘There is no Escape Fund. Charlie took it.’
‘Mo, I can’t believe you sometimes.’
‘Oh no, I didn’t give it to him. He took it without me knowing and then upped and left back to London. It probably paid his rent somewhere or got him a few eighths of pot.’
Joan felt herself squirm as Mo went on.
‘My Charlie may be a pretty face, Joanie, but with one bat of those long lashes and a flash of that perfect smile, he could strip a girl naked of both her clothes and her wallet. I’ve lost count of the times that I’ve had to bail him out.’
‘I would never ever have guessed. He always treated me so well,’ Joan said, chastened and only now realising the enormity of her own misdemeanour with the young lad.
‘He was living rent-free and you were cooking his dinners, of course he was,’ Mo replied curtly, ‘but you love ‘em unconditionally, don’t you? He’s not a bad kid really and he’s still only young. Let’s hope knowledge and experience will teach him some respect. Because a good clip round the ear and countless heart-to-hearts haven’t worked before.’
Both ladies were becoming quite short of breath as they started their third lap.
Joan was more than happy to keep pressing about Charlie. The more distance between him and everyone, the better now. Perish the thought of him ever telling all.
‘Have you tackled him about the money yet, then?’
‘No, he’s changed his number. Ffion was obviously getting too clingy.’
‘Chip off the old block eh?’ Joan winced. ‘Sorry, Mo, that was out of order.’
‘Actually, I can’t agree or disagree. Ron isn’t Charlie’s dad.’
‘Oh – my – God!’ Joan exclaimed in slow motion. ‘Bloody hell, Mo Collins, you’re a dark horse.’
‘It’s not something to shout about, is it really. I’ve kept it to myself until this year. But I know I can trust you, Joan.’
Joan felt slightly sick.
‘So, he is a chip off the old block really, I guess,’ Mo concluded after telling Joan the whole story. His dad had been a tearaway. A beautiful, dark-haired lovable rogue. ‘He had the face of an angel, but the mind of a devil,’ she said dreamily. ‘But how I loved that boy. I’ve never ever known sex like it. Full body-and-soul stuff. I know we were only young but the passion was incredible. In fact, I cannot believe that at seventeen I was sensible enough to let my head rule my heart and make the decision to tell Ron that he was Charlie’s father.’
‘Have you ever thought of contacting him?’
‘God no! I’ve got enough drama in my life without opening up another can of worms. Sometimes I think it’s better to keep quiet about certain things and I know for sure this is one of them.’
Mo said ruefully, ‘Charlie would never forgive me and I couldn’t bear to ever lose him, as much as he drives me to distraction sometimes.’
Joan went quiet.
‘You OK, Joanie?’
‘Yes, fine – was just thinking. You’re right. Sometimes it is so much better to never tell. You only salve your own guilt by opening up to others, and that is selfish. If there’s no need to hurt someone else, then don’t.’
It started spotting with rain.
‘Come on, kids,’ Joan shouted across the park to the children. ‘Home time.’
Mo smiled down at a now – sleeping Cissy.
‘Thanks for listening, Joan.’
‘Hey, that’s what friends are for.’ She squeezed Mo’s arm and prayed that Charlie Collins would never ever divulge their own dirty little secret.
– Chapter Fourteen –
‘P Day tomorrow isn’t it?’ Mark announced over breakfast.
‘Yes.’ Dana couldn’t actually believe that Mark, being a typical man, had actually remembered the date.
‘Do you feel any different?’
‘Boobs are a bit sore and I’m feeling a bit tired, but nothing different to usual really.’ Dana played it down. She actually did feel a little bit nauseous this morning and the excitement was welling inside of her. She couldn’t wait to confirm her pregnancy. She had enjoyed every little twinge she had felt with Tommy. Such was the love she had felt for her unborn child, she had even delighted in seeing her slim tummy expanding day by day.
Mark got up, stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her tiny waist. He kissed her on the neck.
‘I just know that you are.’
‘Yuk.’ Tommy dropped his spoon in to his cereal bowl with a loud clink. ‘Why don’t you get a room.’ And with that he got up and skulked to his bedroom, leaving both Dana and Mark open-mouthed.
The next morning, Dana awoke at 5.a.m. Later, reliving this moment over and over in her head, she could scarcely believe she had actually managed to get to sleep. Deep down, she just knew she was pregnant and the test was merely a formality.
She thought back to when she did the test for Tommy. It had been such wrong timing but she had been so in love with Mark, that she knew that whatever happened, everything would be OK.
IVF was a funny phenomenon. There were no surprises. Everything was regimented. You knew the day of conception exactly. You knew the precise day to do the test. There could be no surprises on your due date.
She opened the white box that was already set on the side of the sink and pulled out one of the two tests. She had ummed and aahed about getting just one test but it was only an extra pound for a second go so she thought she might as well – just in case she couldn’t wait until the correct day of testing.
She reread the instructions, held the stick in the warm stream of strong early morning pee, pulled up her knickers and began the longest wait a woman ever has to face.
These days there wasn’t even the uncertainty of a faint blue line. No need to hold the white plastic wand of fate up to the light, no need to wait just a minute more to see if the line got darker, the longer you left it. No, these days the words NOT PREGNANT screamed out from the test. Relief if that was the desired state. Devastation if it wasn’t.
Dana sat on the side of the bath. She felt numb. She felt sick. She felt desperate. All that anticipation. All that excitement. She has been so sure that she was expecting a girl. They had even chosen a name – Scarlet Elizabeth.
Her sobbing was as loud as the pain in her heart.
‘Oh darling,’ Mark opened the door, knelt down and nestled his wife’s head to his chest.‘Why didn’t you wait for me before you did it?’
‘I was just so sure,’ Dana blubbed. ‘I’m sorry I’m so useless – and what a waste of all that money.’
‘Don’t be so silly. You are not
useless. We have one beautiful son together and Sidney loves you too. If that is what our family is to be, then that’s it.’
Dana wished she could look at things so clearly but she couldn’t. All those injections, scans and invasive procedures, for what?
She longed for another baby and nothing anyone said could change her mind.
Emily Pritchard – Head of PTA, Netball Coach and Mother of Joshua P seven, chief swot and playground kisser – noticed Dana’s husband dropping young Tommy off.
‘Pregnant at last, is she?’ Emily sneered with no grounds at all for her comment other than school-gates gossip.
Mark Knight was horrified. ‘No, Emily, not pregnant, just unwell and I’d rather you kept personal comments like that to yourself in future.’
The unpleasant woman teetered smugly back to her convertible as Tommy waved wildly to his dad on entering his classroom.
Alana had also overhead the comment and had jumped at the word pregnant. Still no word from Stephen either. Thank God he was due to return to work tomorrow. She would drive to his office if necessary.
‘All set for tonight?’ Joan patted Mo on the arm.
‘For three months of misery eating just dust, you mean?’ Mo laughed. ‘I am eating as many biscuits and crisps as I can today before the weigh-in so at least next week I’ll be in with a chance of losing something.’
‘Oh, Mo.’
‘Oh nothing, Joanie. I am so up for the big dress drop challenge, but just give me one little day of pleasure as I know it’s going to be hell on a bread stick.’
Inga stood at the end of the school drive and kissed the twins on their foreheads. ‘See you later. Remember we are at Joshua’s tonight as I am babysitting you all.’
‘Cool,’ the girls piped up together.
‘So your agreed goal weight is ten and a half stone then, Mo – smashing, smashing.’ Sally, the weirdly rather large Weight Busters team leader, with thick, long dark hair and even thicker eyeliner, had a very enthusiastic voice.
‘Smashing, smashing,’ Joan mocked behind her back.
‘And yours is, now what shall we say.. .ten stone, Joan? Realistic and smashing, yes smashing.’
‘Smashing,’ repeated Joan. ‘We really are raring to go, aren’t we, Mo?’