by Zoey Foster
I am jolted from my thoughts as my phone buzzes. Jase sent me a message. I always get excited when he sends me messages.
Jase: Did you do everything you needed to after school? Can we meet up at the park?
Please!!!!!
Me: I’m done. Not sure. Let me see what’s going on and I will let you know.
I need to figure out a plan that will get me permission to get out of here for a couple of hours. Once I think of something I go to look for Frank to ask. It’s a Friday, so I don’t have school the next day and don’t have to worry about homework getting done for the next day.
Once I find him, I walk cautiously over to him, hoping this is a good idea and I’m not ruining the progress I have made staying out of trouble. “So Frank, I was…um…wondering if I could go to the park for a little while. I have a photography assignment due this Monday and need to get some shots done.” He doesn’t respond. When I am sure he is going to tell me no I turn around to walk away, but then he surprises me.
“I guess so. Only two hours though. I am going to need you to do something for me when you get home. Don’t make me regret this, Maddison.”
My insides are jumping around at the thought of seeing Jase. I try to remain calm, so I didn’t give away my little secret. “Thanks. Be home in two hours,” I say as I walk nonchalantly to my room to grab my bag and camera. I shoot a quick text to Jase.
Me: Meet me at the park. I have two hours. Leaving now!
I drive fast so I have as long as I can with Jase. When I pull into the place I call “our park,” he is already here waiting. I pull into a spot and jump out of the car quickly, excited to be out of the house on a Friday night and not trapped inside. I walk over to him. He is holding a blanket and a basket. I don’t know how he gets these things together in such a short amount of time, but he always does the sweetest things for me. “What’s in the basket?” I say trying to sneak a peek to see what’s inside. He snaps the lid down.
“No peeking. Let’s go find some place to set this up. We are working on little time.”
We make our way over to a shaded area cast by the trees. Once we get settled on the blanket he starts taking out some sandwiches, chips and bottles of waters. I get super excited when he takes out a white paper bag with my favorite pastries inside. I want to skip the real food and just enjoy the goodies he brought. “How did you find the time to do all of this?” I ask mesmerized by the set up. It’s incredible to see him do all of this for me and it makes me appreciate him that much more. “It was nothing. I prepared this earlier with the chance of you being able to come out. I’m glad you were allowed to. I would have been sitting at home eating these delectable pastries all by myself. My mom is at another function tonight,” he says as he rolls his eyes.
He doesn’t talk much about his family and I can’t blame him. I don’t give him hardly anything about my life, so I don’t push. I don’t know if he wants me to ask, but I never want to spoil the time we have together with talking about things that obviously bug him. I am just not sure if he is waiting for me to ask him about it or not, so I just let it go.
After we finish up eating I get up to stretch and notice the sun is starting to set behind the mountains. I want to shoot this and make this moment last forever, I walk around until I find just the right spot to capture the best picture I can get. I take about twenty different shots of this sunset. I have never seen such a beautiful sunset before. Maybe I just have never paid attention to it before. The oranges and pinks mixed and blended together magnificently. It’s not too bright and the fog is rolling in from the coastline on the other side of the mountains. It casts a glow around the park. I find a couple of other intriguing things and keep snapping away.
As I am pushing the button on my final shot, strong arms wrap around my sides from behind. Normally I would jump at the sudden contact, but there is no mistaking the arms embracing me. I look over my shoulder and see my favorite pair of eyes looking back at me with admiration I have never seen from him before. It’s hard for me to read people, but there is nothing I see hidden in his eyes.
He gives the crook of my neck a soft kiss, lingering a little longer than normal. It sets my insides on fire. Just the soft touch of his lips set me on a high that I never want to come down from. Goose bumps cover my skin and he makes his way down my shoulder until I am breathing hard, anticipating the next kiss. I turn around in his arms and take in his beautiful face. His lips are as soft as the most expensive silk. I don’t think I have ever seen such a perfect face. I reach up on my toes and place my lips on his and slowly kiss him to life. At first I start out slow, but desperation kicks in and I want more. I deepen the kiss as I wrap my arms around his neck and show him just how deeply I am falling for him. He shows me back by pouring his heart out to me in one amazing kiss.
We have never talked about things going further. As much as I would love to, I don’t think I will ever be ready for that. Not for a very long time. After everything that has gone down with me, I don’t think that is something I will be strong enough to give. It was taken from me and I want to be able to feel like I have gotten it back, but the truth is I don’t. I am working toward being whole again and just being with him is slowly building that up. I put the brakes on the kiss and back away from him, so I can check the time. I am saddened when I see I only have a half hour left until I have to be home. I head back to the blanket with Jase in tow and sit down. “Want to see some of the shots I got?” I ask as I hold up my camera.
“Sure let me see what you got,” he says as he sits next to me and we go through the pictures. “These are pretty amazing. You really have an eye for finding unique shots,” he says, skipping through the photos looking at each one.
“You think? I really love taking pictures. It’s a way of capturing something so beautiful and making it permanent in the world. You get to pick and choose what you want to remember and never have to remember what picture you don’t take.” I try and convince myself of the theory I just came up with. Sometimes it’s like that. Too bad my mind has taken many snapshots of my past that are unable to be removed or deleted. As much as I try they always haunt me.
Since I’m sure I have just wasted too much time thinking about the things I have told myself I need to try and put behind me, I take a quick glance at my phone and notice I have to go now if I am going to be home on time. I get up and scramble to get my things packed up. I look at Jase, not wanting to leave him. “I have to go. I can’t be late. I’ll text you later?” I say as I am helping him clean up, frantically shoving the things back in the picnic basket.
“Leave it. I got it, Maddie. Yeah, text me later. I want you to come over for dinner. Can we work on that?”
I blush at the thought of going to Jase’s house for dinner. I have never been invited to dinner by anybody, let alone a boy who I’m falling for. I might make a fool of myself. I can’t even think about how I would get away with that one since Frank has me under lock and key. “Um… Yeah. Sounds good. We can work on that. I have to go or I’ll be late. Text ya later.” I stand up and leave him with a goodbye kiss that makes me want to drop to my knees. I have to be strong and just leave. I hate leaving. I want to stay. If I want things to continue this way I have to keep the way things have been going, so I don’t ruin this. All I can think about, though, is the day I have to leave him. It brings me back down to reality that everything that is good for me and that keeps me sane is always taken from me. I leave before I can get upset. I don’t want to leave upset, so I leave and make my way to my car with Jase consuming my every thought.
On the drive home I rush to get to the house so I’m not a minute late. I get to the house with two minutes to spare and rush inside. I search for Frank to see what he needed me to do for him.
I walk into the kitchen, but he’s not there. I make my way into the living room. I am paralyzed by the sight of Dixon sitting with Frank, talking. I notice some white powdery stuff on the coffee table. I can only imagine what they are putting up th
eir nose. It scares the shit out of me. If they are using I am sure they will have no mercy on the things they say to me. I can’t even swallow past the lump in my throat. I want to run back into Jase’s arms and let him protect me. To make this all go away. For him to stand up for me and make me whole again, but instead I stand strong and walk into the room, waiting for what he has prepared for me to do.
I put on a strong face and take a step toward them. “I’m home. What did you need me to do?” I ask focusing on breathing in and out of my nose in a steady fashion.
“Maddison, don’t be rude. Greet our guests when they are in our home.”
Our home? Our home that you have made me uncomfortable living in since you had a part in killing my mother. I remain calm as I cringe on the inside, imagining what is running through Dixon’s mind at this very second. He is staring me down like a fresh piece of meat to intimidate me. To make me cave to him and give him what he took from me. I will not go down like that again. I would rather die than succumb to Dixon ever again. I am not his to take. I close my eyes and think, think of how to handle this without Frank getting mad at me. “Good evening Dixon. How are you?” I ask as politely as I can gather. I hope it sounded sincere as I speak through gritted teeth. I plaster on a fake smile and try my hardest to seem courteous. I won’t risk anything right now. Jase is too important to me to give it up right now. I need him in my life to make this life work. I wait for the next move. Everything is calculated in this game. It’s all about planning my next move and the words that come out of my mouth.
“Maddison, my dear. Nice to see you. How have you been? It’s been far too long.”
My inner voice screams, Liar! You trapped me at the coffee shop. I still have never figured out why he speaks to me like a polite, sophisticated person. Being scum you would think he would have a loose tongue and not speak like someone with wealth and class would. It makes me sick. He probably thinks better of himself if he talks that way, like he isn’t wrong about anything he has done. I have always wondered where his family is and what went wrong. I wonder if his family is as messed up as he is. I swear he was raised to make my life hell. Like it’s his personal goal to ruin me and take away the person who is inside. To take away my innocence. He has succeeded with that. I just don’t know what else this evil man has planned for me. I know it’s something or he would have never come back here, so I sit waiting like a blind fool. Waiting for him to come for me. “Anyway, Frank, what do you need me to do? I have to finish up this project for class, so I would like to get things done for you first,” I say making eye contact to the wall behind him. I am completely in the dark; I have no clue what he needs me to do.
“Maddison, you are always worrying about stuff. Just come, sit, and have dinner with us. Dixon has requested you join us tonight. I told him it wouldn’t be a problem. Will it?”
Fuck, you mean I have to converse with this guy? That is the last thing I would have thought. Nice, make useless conversation that will be filled with innuendos I have desire to be a part of, but what do I do? I follow the rules and sit down at the table across from Dixon, so I can keep me eye on him and try to feel out what he wants from me.
I sit motionless devoid of emotion and speak only when spoken to. I have to do this because the repercussions are way worse if I would have refused, so I just sit in a daze and answer curtly to all the questions as time drifts later into the night. I try and ignore the way Dixon strokes my leg with his leg. All it does is bring back sick memories of the time back at the abandoned house when I was held prisoner for his every need. I feel sick to my stomach and excuse myself from the table as nausea builds up in the pit of my stomach. I run to my room and text Jase to try and calm the stirring in my stomach.
Me: I need you, but I can’t get away. I am stuck here. Talk to me. Make it better.
With that text I just opened up the flood gate of questions to come and I’m prepared to answer them if he can take away the pain. I lie down in my bed and wait for his response back. Anxiously waiting a couple minutes, I’m just about to nod off when I get a message.
Jase: What’s happening? Tell me. I’m coming to you. Be there in 10 mins
Me: You can’t come here. That will make it worse. Coming here will get you involved. That can’t happen.
Jase: I’m already involved. I told you I won’t run. Why can’t you just trust me?
Me: I want to tell you. I need to tell someone. It’s eating me alive. You will run when I tell you.
Jase: Just trust me to make my own decisions. Trust me to not let you down. Let me fix this. Let me help fix you. I just want to make it all better.
Me: I will try and get out tomorrow and we can talk. I’m going to bed. Talk tomorrow.
Jase: Tomorrow it is. I won’t let you down. I promise.
I lie in bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about how horribly wrong tomorrow will go. I fight back tears just thinking how tomorrow will be the last time I see Jase. How much I don’t want this to end, but I have always been aware this was going to. Better now than later when I have to disappear and not let anyone know. If I tell someone where I go there is always a chance of Frank finding out. Tonight I will go to sleep thinking of all the good times we have had, maybe short, but memorable.
Chapter Sixteen
Waking up knowing I am about to reveal everything to Jase has me in knots. I am terrified to lose him. I thought about it all night. I said my goodbye in my heart to prepare for this. I know I am making the best decision for his well-being and my heart. I might be sad right now, but it will make me happy knowing he is not in danger anymore. Living every day knowing I am putting him at risk tears me up. It’s hard knowing everything I am hiding from him puts him at a disadvantage, never knowing what can happen to him. I know he might think he knows what I am going through because of seeing my freak outs, break downs, and having to rescue me from my own demons, but he doesn’t know a thing about.
At times I feel bad keeping things from him, but when I think about it I feel better knowing most people just don’t come out and tell others all the fucked up shit inside of them. There are some things that need to be told when you feel you can really trust someone. I trust Jase with every fiber of my being. I might not tell him what I am feeling all of the time or express things to him the way others might do, but it’s because I get flustered when I’m around him. I have never felt so deeply for a person the way I do about him. I keep telling myself it’s because he is the first person to pay attention to me and he doesn’t treat me the way the others do. Jase has gotten to know me and hasn’t once let me down. I know others talk and I am sure someone has told him something. I’m sure he thinks it’s untrue and that people have a vendetta against me and are just trying to tear me down. That is the type of loyal person he is. He doesn’t do gossip and he has never been shy about trying to pry the truth out of me.
I might even be scared due to the fact that I have never said out loud what has happened. Saying it makes it feel real, which I know it is, but to have to repeat it to someone makes me relive it all over again. I have spent years trying to put it to rest and to stop thinking about it. No matter what I do it’s always there.
I try and put a brave face on like today is just another day and get ready to, once again, lie to Frank about where I am going. Risking getting caught. I know I have to do this though. I promised him when I was weak with fear last night I would tell him. I have to get it over with and tell him everything. I will never get the chance again to tell the truth to the only person who has ever shown compassion toward me after the incident. This life is dead to me once I move on.
My lie just barely works so I didn’t want to meet at our usual park. I want to go further away. I know Frank suspects something is going on and I want to go somewhere he can’t find us. We meet up at an abandoned warehouse that used to be owned by Frank when he was on top of the world. It has been abandoned since my mother died. He would never think I would come here. It just seems that it’s the most
unlikely place I would ever go. It was getting harder for the corrupt police to hide it from the Feds. Since the paid D.A., Phillip Becker, can’t keep letting Frank and his posse get away with so much, letting this place go had to happen to keep some business from being scared off and keeping Frank from falling on his face.
Since I sent Jase on a crazy route to ensure he wasn’t being followed I got here first. I am going over in my head how I’m going to do this and how this is going to happen. I breathe deeply and look in the mirror and let it out when I see Jase pull in beside me. This is it. The moment I have been dreading from the first time I laid eyes on him. I’m wearing, the bracelet he got me and I keep rubbing it hoping the words jump into my heart and mind and help guide me in telling him my story. I get out of the car and walk over to his and get in. I am suddenly a ball of nerves and can’t even look at him. I stare out my window hoping to find the answers there. I keep my hands folded in my lap to keep them from reaching out to touch him.
“Maddie, look at me. Please don’t hide. I told you that nothing you say will keep me from being with you. I want to help you. Do you trust me?”
I nod my head, still unable to look at him.
He reaches out and rubs a finger down my cheek.
“There is nothing to be scared of. I’m not going to hurt you. Tell me what’s going on and we will figure this out together. Take your time.”
I take a cleansing breath and hold it until it burns and then let it out. With the exhale I start my story.
“I used to have a normal life when it was just me and my mom. At least what I can remember of it. I was almost five when my mom met my stepfather. At first things seemed good. He said and did all the right things. My mom was so broken after my father left her when he found out she was pregnant with me. And that made her more than clingy when Frank showed interest in her. She was so blinded by “love” that she had no clue what he was doing when she was at work. Then he took their relationship a step further by legally adopting me after they were married, so he could look like the hero and the one who would love her forever. He never really loved her. He used me for his insurance that she would never leave him. We were just a part of his plan. He started having some really shady people come around and before I knew it I was overhearing drug deals going down in my living room. I was scared I would be the reason he left her if I told her what was going on, so I kept quiet. It wasn’t until I started seeing guns being brought in and out of my house that I realized he wasn’t just selling a little pot. He was dealing large quantities of coke to other countries and dealing in illegal arms. It got so scary around the house when my mom wasn’t home. I finally realized that I had to tell her. I take a much needed breath to try and remain calm while I bring up the past.