by Zoey Foster
Tomorrow is dinner at his house, so I have to get my feelings under control because being like that again can’t happen. I mean, I want it to. It’s just not the right time. It still brings up dreaded memories. I’m just not ready. I guess I will know when the time is right. I hope he can wait for me. I know he said he will. I just want to see him prove it. Maybe everything will work itself out once I get out of here and I can breathe a breath of fresh air.
I am nervous to see Jase at school. I know he is going to be mad at me for not returning his messages. I know I should have, but I just needed some time to think about it. I also know once I see him and his eyes fixate on me I will be thrown back into my Jase trance and not care about anything that is going on around me. I just need to use my brain.
I am forced to slam on my brakes as a dog darts across the street. It rattles me to the core. I have so much going through my brain I can’t even focus on driving. Shit. As soon as I see the dog running freely on the sidewalk I break free of my thoughts and try to make it to school without almost killing anybody or anything else. My hands are clammy, so I wipe them on my jeans to try and make this go away. I have a feeling that this sweating isn’t from the dog. It’s anticipating seeing Jase. The dog just added to my mounting tension. When I am certain my head is clear I start driving again. I take it a little slower this time, trying to drag my drive out a little longer, nervous of Jase’s reaction from yesterday.
Pulling up to Jase is not as nerve wracking as I thought it was going to be. I just need to say sorry for my reaction and hope he understands why I did what I did. I look over at him, but don’t get the reaction I’m hoping for. He doesn’t look mad, but not happy to see me either. He just looks blah. I didn’t really think of the way he would take things when I left the way I did. Damn, why don’t I ever think things through? Now instead of felling like shit, I feel like I am never going to get this right. I’m always going to mess up no matter how hard I try. How long is he going to keep letting my piss poor attitude go until he gives up. Now I have to figure out how the hell to get things back to normal.
I decide on just apologizing until I am blue in the face. This better work. I hop out of my car and over to his window. I give him a look that says, “Get out of the car now.” I step back for him to open the door. The second he gets out of his car all the air is sucked out of my lungs. It’s hard to breathe when he pins me with his eyes. The look is intense, like he is looking deeply at me figuring out what I might say, or do. I think he doesn’t want to say or have me do something he thinks I might regret again. Truth is, I don’t regret it. Maybe just a little embarrassed and thrown off, but not regretful.
Jase opens his mouth to say something, but I quickly cut him off. “Look, Jase, I’m so sorry about yesterday. Not sorry about what happened, but about the way I handled things. I shouldn’t have just run off, but you don’t know what was running through my head. I felt out of control. Sometimes when I am around you I… I feel like I have lost the last bit of control I have left. I can’t control my feelings, my words, or my heart. I panicked. That doesn’t mean I don’t care because I do. It was just a lot. I really hope you understand.” When I’m done saying all of this, his face has settled and I’m starting to see the Jase I know and love again. He reaches out for my hand and I immediately take it. He pulls me into a hug and wraps his arms tight around me, making me feel at ease again. He pulls his head back and looks down at me.
“I get it. I got it then too. You don’t need to explain to me what was going through your head. I just wanted to get to you before your demons did, but I didn’t. Please just next time don’t run like that. Let me try and calm you down. But I do get it, Maddie. You might not want to hear this and I don’t expect you to say anything back, but um… I love you. I just need you to know this before you go running off on me again. I can’t do this shit without you. Just please, don’t run. I’m trying to make it better. Are we good now? I really want you to come to dinner tomorrow night.”
He leans down and gives me a peck on the cheek, probably being cautious about how things are running through my head after dropping a bomb like that. Scared to acknowledge the L word, I just bury that for another time because it’s too much to think about now. It makes me laugh a little from the unease, but I just play it off like it’s no big deal even though it’s a huge deal.
“Did I say something funny?” he asks looking confused.
“Okay, really? That’s the kiss I get? I mean really? We have been kissing hard for weeks now, and that’s all I get now? Just go back to being normal with me and all will be forgotten,” I say hoping to have dodged this bullet for now. I make kissy lips at him begging him to kiss me again. Maybe this time putting a little more effort into it. I’m sure I look ridiculous standing in the lot with huge duck lips, but I don’t really care.
“Alright get over here.”
I lift up on the tips of my toes and kiss the loving shit out of him, happy this is just another obstacle we have jumped over with little effort, but not forgetting what he has said. He has just said what I have been thinking and I truly can now believe my own thoughts now because it isn’t just me who feels this way. I am just not strong enough to say it back.
“Let’s get to class okay? You ready?”
I nod and grab my stuff out of my car. All I can think about is what he just said to me. I know this is going to be a day of lost concentration.
Walking out of school is the best thing that has happened as of yet today. I swear everyone was looking at me like they all knew what happened yesterday. It was weird. I felt paranoid as I was walking around anticipating a confrontation. In the end nothing happened. I am just glad this day is over and I am one day closer to dinner at Jase’s house. I still have to get through one more day of school without any hiccups. I pray everything works out. I want to make sure everything Frank could possibly need done before tomorrow is done, so I want to rush home to get everything out of the way.
I’m still a little disappointed that I never made it to get my new tattoo. It was something I really wanted to have as a symbol of my growth and my new self. I have this deep urge to get it. I might. I just have to see what the asshole needs me to do and maybe I can squeeze it in.
I wait for Jase to meet me in the front of the school like always, but he is late. He has never been this late. I’m running short on time to keep waiting. I don’t know if I should go look for him or if I should just leave. I pull out my phone and shoot him a text.
Me: Where are you? I have to leave soon.
I wait for a response. When a couple of minutes pass and I don’t hear back from him I take off toward the gym where I know he has weightlifting for his last class. When I round the building to the door, Jase comes bashing through the door. The rage I see when he comes out keeps me frozen in my place. He notices me instantly and tries to slow down and bring his anger down. I don’t know what happened, but every inch of me gets nervous. When he walks slowly toward me I notice his eye is swollen and is starting to turn a deep shade of purple. Concern washes over me. I run to him and inspect his eye. “What happened?” I look at it wincing at the pain he must be in.
“Oh, a weight fell on me when I was lifting. No big deal.”
I know he is lying to me. There was a reason he was so full of anger when he blasted through the gym door. “I’m not buying it. I saw you when you were walking out of the door. You were angry. Want to try again and tell me the truth this time?” I glare at him holding my ground. I will not accept him lying to me. I cross my arms in an attempt to look mean and force the truth out of him. I will only give him one more chance to tell me what really happened. My whole life has been full of lies and deceit that I won’t even for a second deal with him lying to me. I will walk out the door.
“Walk with me and I’ll tell you,” he says as someone comes out of the door.
I can’t get a look at who it is because Jase has his arm around me pulling me to walk with him. Shuffling my feet fast to k
eep up with him, I ask again, “What’s going on Jase?” Our pace starts to slow down. He looks over at me with a sympathetic look and then looks up as if the answer is in the sky.
“I didn’t drop a weight on my eye.”
“That was obvious the second the words left your mouth, so why don’t you tell me what really happened.” He takes a breath and exhales through his nose like he is looking for some sort of clarity.
“Okay look, I overheard some guys talking about us and saying some not so nice things about you and I just lost it. I had to shut them up. I had to make them stop. They don’t know anything about you and I just lost it. I snapped and hit one of the guys doing all the talking. I mean my face isn’t as bad as his. He got a lucky shot. I’m fine though. It’s not a big deal.”
I look at him horrified. It’s because of me. If he wasn’t with me he would have never been getting into a fight with someone. I look at him, sad and remorseful that he has to deal with this. “Jase, this is all my fault. I’m sorry. If you and I weren’t…um…you know, together, you would have never had to deal with this,” I say hiding my face scared to see that he might realize I’m right and not want to have to go through this bull shit for me.
“Look at me, Maddie. I didn’t have to deal with it. I made a choice to deal with it. It was my choice and I made it. You can’t decide if I want to deal with this or not. You will always find a reason that I shouldn’t be with you or how I’m missing out on something. If I wasn’t with you I would be missing out on something. You. You’re the one I choose, so stop questioning it.”
I guess he’s right. If I keep questioning him I might just push him away. It would leave me devastated and bare. Not something I welcome after feeling so close with someone for the first time in my life.
We finally reach our cars. It’s time to split for the day. “Okay, well I have to get going. Make sure you get some ice on your eye. Maybe it will help with the color, as well. It’s pretty swollen. See ya tomorrow.” Still checking out his eye I kiss my finger tips and press them lightly to his eye and walk away. I am still unsure of how I feel about him, fighting what I have spent the last three years ignoring. Bringing everything back up to the surface, I fight to forget.
Chapter Twenty
This has been the longest day of my life, since it’s Friday and I have my dinner with Jase tonight. Things seemed to drag all day at school. I know I’m nervous about something so normal to others, but in reality, my reality, this is my first dinner date thing. God, just saying the word date makes my stomach turn like an ocean facing a brutal storm. I think I am going to be sick. I sit down on my bed letting my stomach settle, praying I won’t get sick. I’m supposed to be getting ready. I want to stop by the store and pick up a dessert before I head to Jase’s house. He was so adamant that I just bring myself and myself only, but I just can’t see me not bringing anything. I wanted to help out and show him how great he makes me feel. He is so sweet and hot, I wanted to bring him something that would incorporate that. I decide I’m going to bring him one of my favorite sweets, warm baked chocolate chip cookies. Once I have that decided my stomach is starting to feel better. I don’t really have to fuss over what I’m going to wear being that I dress pretty much the same every day. I go for just a decent pair of jeans and a newer t-shirt.
Once I am making my way out of the house, I grab my book bag knowing Frank will say something if I don’t have it since he thinks I’m finishing up a project for school. I plan on ditching it in my car, but I can’t make him think anything is up. I try my hardest to not make much noise as I am leaving, but I am stopped when I hear when I hear Frank.
“Maddison, I need you to do something for me before you go to your school shit.”
Damn, I almost made it out of here. What the hell! I’m sure it’s nothing important. He just can’t stand to let me out for anything that is for me. I hope this didn’t involve Dixon. Just what I need to ruin my whole night. Pissed off, I go stomping into the living room and stand with my arms crossed waiting for him to tell me what I need to do.
“That attitude won’t fucking fly, Maddison. I’m being nice enough to let you go out and do your project. Drop your arms and knock it the fuck off or you can stay home for all I care.”
I drop my arms like they weigh a hundred pounds each. I bite my inner cheek to make sure I don’t say anything that will get me into trouble. “What do you need me to do Frank?” I ask with an accidental sass in my tone.
“Here.”
He hands me a box small enough to fit a handgun in. Shit, I don’t know what is in this box, but I sure as hell don’t want to know. It’s kind of heavy. I quickly turn around and make my way out of the door before I start seeing red.
Once I’m in the car I take a look at the box and sure enough Dixon’s name is on the box. I want to smash my hands on the steering wheel, but refrain from that. I just have to get this there and leave as fast as I can to make sure I have time to stop at the store before Jase’s house.
I pull up to Dixon’s and try to check my emotions. I have a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Flashes of memories flood me as I sit in my car. I am paralyzed by the nightmares that took place three years ago. I’m sucked into darkness as light flashes in and out of my eyes. Banging on the door of the room I was in hoping someone would let me out, but never happened. I am pushed back to the present time by someone tapping on my window. I jump when I notice it’s Dixon and start scrambling for the package trying to keep my eyes away from him. Whenever he looks at me I feel like he is plotting and planning how to get back at me for ruining his plans before he could execute them. Fear is rising in me as I roll down my window just low enough to where the box fits out the window, using the window as a shield. Trying to protect me from the devil on the other side. “Here you go. I gotta run,” I say shoving the box out of the window hoping he will just take it so I can get the hell out of here.
“You don’t look well, Maddison. Maybe you should come lie down for a minute before you drive. You are awfully pale.”
I shudder at his invitation. “I would never go inside your house. I would rather drive this way.” As he reaches in the car, I slam his wrist back against the roof of my car. I quickly remove his hand. He looks at me with a glare that says this isn’t over. “Don’t touch me! Never again do you get to touch me.” I start my car and my tires screech as I floor it to get away from him. I feel horrified as I drive away trying to get my thoughts under control. I am shaking from head to my toes. I call Jase to try and get my panic to dissolve. Just hearing his voice usually makes me feel like there is nothing in the world that can harm me.
“Hey, what’s up? You’re coming right?” He asks, sounding scared I might not be able to come.
“Yes, I just have to make a quick stop then I will be there. See you in about twenty minutes,” I say starting to get my anxieties under control.
“Okay. Just let yourself in when you get here. I’ll be in the kitchen cooking.”
“Okay. Hey, I thought you weren’t cooking?” I ask confused because I thought we were ordering in something. I didn’t know he could cook.
“Well I have some tricks up my sleeve. Gotta go before I burn something. See you soon.” Feeling better, I make my way to the store to grab what I need. I touch my wrist and feel the bracelet Jase gave me and though I am feeling nervous, just knowing I have this on I feel as though I can do anything. I grab what I came for and make my way to Jase.
I pull up on his street and park. Breathing deeply, I take a few breaths and make my way to his house remembering he told me to just come in. As I walk up the driveway, I take in all the details of his house. Beautiful manicured lawn, the greenest I have ever seen, close to his eyes. It’s not a huge house, but it’s big enough to make me feel a little out of my element. As I walk up to the door I faintly hear people arguing. He must have the TV on. I open the door and call out, “Jase, I’m here.” I am sure he heard me because the voices stop, but I’m paralyzed when I round th
e corner and see who is standing in the kitchen with Jase. My heart is pounding. I instantly know why the talking has stopped. My heart is crushing like a ton of bricks. I look back and forth between the two and can’t even force out a word.
“Maddie, I can explain this,” Jase says as he walks toward me.
I instinctively take a step back not wanting to get close to him. Feeling betrayed and hurt is an understatement. “I don’t think there is any explanation that can make this okay Jase because what I’m seeing right now can’t be happening. How much did he pay you?” I spit out feeling completely stupid that I didn’t think this would happen.
“Who? I wasn’t paid. What are you talking about? Maddie, let me just explain.”
I turn to leave, but Jase is fast and grabs me by the arm to get me to stay. “Don’t touch me.” I spit out.
“Maddie, this is my dad. I know you know who he is. I know he is the D.A. who messed everything up for you. What he does is the reason why I don’t live with him anymore. Between the millions of bad choices he makes, I couldn’t stand to live with him anymore. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He just stopped by. You have to believe me.”
As fresh tears fill my eyes I can’t hold back the whimper that escapes my lips. I shake my head, hoping I can wake myself from this awful dream, but that doesn’t work. Now I know why when I saw Phillip Becker at school a couple of weeks ago why his eyes were so familiar. It’s because they have the same fucking eyes.
“Maddie, say something. Say you believe me. I want nothing to do with him. He isn’t anything to me. You are the most important thing to me.”
I put my hands up in front of me hoping it will keep him away. “You knew who I was and you said nothing to me. You lied. You let me make a fool of myself when you knew exactly who I was all along. Is this some sick save-the-poor-girl project you have going on to make yourself feel better because your dad ruined my whole fucking life. He was the only one who could have fucking saved me and he didn’t. Or better yet, does Frank pay you too? To keep tabs on me? To make sure I don’t say anything to take him down? I bet that’s it. So how much money are you getting paid for this? I hope it’s a whole lot of money. Seems he controls every single part of my life and now he puts you in the mix to ruin school for me too. Well, this isn’t going to work. Like I have always planned I’m going to finish school and get the hell out of here. You just made that decision that much easier. Don’t call me, don’t message me, and don’t even come near me at school. I want to forget I ever knew you. You know what? I knew this was too good to be true. Like my life wasn’t bad enough, Jase. I told you everything. I trusted you with my life. I wish they would have gotten more than just a shot to your face. You fucking deserved it. Asshole. I have got to go.” I try to run to make it out of this house, but I trip over my own feet and land face first into the wall. Blood is pouring out of my nose, but I don’t really care. I quickly stand up and run out of the door.