I can’t say I blamed him. If I had a girl like her, I’d probably do the same thing. I took a small amount of pride in knowing that my presence still got to her though. The way she rushed past me barely lifting her eyes only to scurry out the door with Angela proved there was something there. She was trying to bury it because I’d given up, but now, that little response to me proved I still had a chance. If I could make her see that we could be good together, she might choose me instead of him.
ooooooooo
After leaving the gym last night, I stopped at the toy store. I knew that when I put my plan in action, I needed to have all my bases covered. Showing Ally that I way ok with Caleb was number one. I needed to prove I could be in his life, and it was ok with me. I accepted them as a package, and she didn’t need to worry. I think deep down she was afraid that I would run, and I have to admit… being a dad at twenty-two scared the shit outta me. I’ve always made sure and been very careful to prevent fatherhood from happening. I know I’m not ready to be a parent, but if stepping up is what she needs, then I’m willing to try. I just hope that she understands that there’s going to be a learning curve. I’m the baby in my family; I’ve never had to do any of this type stuff.
After selecting a small stuffed dog, I made my way home. Now, I’m sitting here in my Rover in front of Ally’s apartment trying to convince myself that I should get out. I had it all planned out last night. I was going to storm up to her door and demand she let me in. I’d kiss her and tell her how stupid I’d been, and she’d fall into my arms. After sweeping her off her feet, we’d make plans for our forever, and my brother would be left in the dust.
It’s funny how time can change your perspective though. It’s taking everything in me to open my door, and the poor stuffed dog is being squeezed to death in my hand. “I can do this,” I muttered under my breath as I finally opened my door. I stood, took a few deep breaths, and began walking toward her front door. It felt strange climbing the steps. Ally had never let me upstairs. The few times that I’d come over, she’d be running down them, and when I’d bring her home, she’d insist on me leaving her in the parking lot. It’s funny how time changes things. Now that she doesn’t have to hide Caleb anymore, I might actually get in the door.
When I reached the top of the steps, I paced in front of the door for a few minutes talking myself into this. I knew that I needed to knock, or I might find myself backing out again. I turned and lifted my fist to pound on the door when it swung open catching me completely off guard.
“What?” Ally gasped when her head snapped up and her eyes connected with mine. She was holding Caleb on her hip, and he grinned at me.
“Hi,” I swallowed.
“What are you doing here?” Her brow furrowed as she shifted Caleb, and her keys fell from her hand to hit the concrete.
“I’m sorry. Bad timing. I was coming to see you, but you’re on your way out. I’ll come back another time.” I turned toward the steps to leave when she stopped me.
“Wait! No!” I turned to face her and saw her struggling to pick up her keys. The diaper bag was falling off her arm, and Caleb was starting to struggle against her hold. “We were just going to the park. We can go later.”
“It’s ok, really.” I waved the hand that was holding the stuffed toy.
“Doggie!” Caleb cheered as he struggled harder. I glanced at where his eyes were staring and suddenly remembered I was holding it.
“Yeah,” I smiled. “I brought this for you.” I turned back toward them and took the short strides that it took to move back to my previous spot. I handed the dog to Caleb and watched Ally’s face for a reaction.
She nodded. “Thank you.”
I shrugged, “It’s no big deal. I’m his uncle.”
“Do you want to come in?” She stepped back inside and put Caleb down; he wobbled a little before toddling off.
“He’s walking?” I gripped my neck.
“A few days ago,” she sighed. “He’s into everything. That’s why we were going to the park. Do you want to come in?” She tried again.
“Ok,” I smiled and held the door, letting her chase after her son.
ooooooooo
Alison
It caught me by surprise to see Joey standing outside my door. I mean other than the park, we haven’t said two words to each other. He avoided me, and I avoided him. It made it easier to pretend he didn’t want anything to do with me. When I saw the look in his eyes at the gym, it took everything in me not to explain what had just happened. I’m sure he thought we were having sex back there. I was flushed and my hair was a wreck. Now, as I see this unsure and awkward side, I wish I’d cleared things up.
“Sorry,” I gasped as I came back into the living room. Caleb had gone down the hallway, and I had rushed after him. I’d left the baby gate open since we were leaving, and now I was just trying to contain him so I could talk to Joey.
“I shouldn’t have come,” he mumbled as he kicked at the carpet.
“It’s ok,” I smiled. “What’s up?” I nibbled my lip as he shifted from foot to foot all the while taking in my apartment. “Wanna sit?” I motioned to the couch just as Caleb grabbed onto a basket in the corner turning it over and spilling all the toys I’d just picked up all over the floor. We both jumped at the sound of the sudden crash and then began laughing.
“I wanted to bring him the dog and talk,” Joey lowered himself onto one end of the couch.
“Ok.” I eased down next to him, and he sighed. I was confused by the whole situation, and I wasn’t sure how much to push him. I was happy he was here, but I didn’t know what it all meant. It was almost like a bad first date.
“I’m sorry,” he grimaced.
“For what?” I wrinkled my forehead as I spilt my attention between him and my son.
“I was trying to do the right thing, and I guess I should have asked you first.” I started to say something, but he held up his hand to stop me. “Just let me get this out, or I’m never gonna be able to.” I nodded and placed my hands in my lap as I pressed my lips together. “I like you Ally. I like you a lot.” He swallowed. “I never thought about kids. Well, I take that back. I’ve thought about how to keep from having them. I guess that’s the one thing I have on my brother; I’m careful,” he grumbled. “Anyway, I have no idea how to be a dad or any of the stuff that goes along with it, but I know I like you, and I know that having a kid is part of the package. You two come together; I get that.” He sucked in a deep breath before staring at me. “I guess what I’m trying to say is I wanna try again, that is if you want to.”
Was I hearing this right? He wanted to be with me? “Um,” I swallowed as I stared at him.
“I know you have something going on with my brother. I get that, but I love you,” he reached for my hand. “I wanna show you what being with me can really be like, Ally.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I need to know that I tried and gave it everything I had. If you choose him, I need to know that I didn’t go out without a fight.”
I sat there just staring at him as his words hung in the air. What was I supposed to do with this information? How would I ever choose between the father of my child and the man who captured my heart months ago? “I don’t know what to say,” I whispered.
“Say you’ll let me try; you’ll let me show you I’m the right one for you… for both of you.” His eyes left mine as he turned to gaze at Caleb happily playing on the floor. I nodded before my son completely took his attention away from me.
“Play!” Caleb flung a block at Joey causing him to jump in surprise.
“Don’t throw.” I kept my voice calm, but Caleb knew the authoritative tone. His lip stuck out like he was going to cry, and Joey jumped into action.
“Hey buddy. Don’t cry.” Joey smiled as he slid off the couch and crawled across the floor to where Caleb was sitting. “Let’s build a tower, huh?” He began stacking blocks, and Caleb helped as much as he could, but as soon as it was tall enough, he was s
winging his arm to knock it down. “Crash!” Joey would make the sound effects as the blocks tumbled back into a pile. Caleb would clap happily, and Joey started all over again.
They did this multiple times before Caleb found something else to play with… the football Carsen had given him. He came crawling over to Joey and climbed in his lap, clutching the ball in his arms and sucking his thumb. At first, you could tell Joey was uncomfortable, but he quickly adjusted as Caleb blinked up at him before closing his eyes. He yawned around his thumb before settling into sleep.
“I guess I wore him out,” Joey laughed lightly as he shifted Caleb in his arms. I could tell he was unsure of himself, but he didn’t once ask me for help. “Where’s his room?” He started to stand up.
“You can just leave him there,” I offered. I knew Caleb would probably wake up as soon as his body hit the mattress. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately, and he was trying to learn how to climb out of his crib.
“I don’t mind.” Joey lifted Caleb into his arms as he stood and started making his way over to where the baby gate blocked the hallway.
“It’s the last door on the right at the end of the hall,” I mumbled as I stood and opened the gate for him. I waited until Joey slipped through Caleb’s door before following them. I couldn’t help it. I just knew that when Caleb woke up he’d resist, and Joey would probably panic. I shouldn’t have worried though.
Caleb did wake up slightly, but Joey whispered a few hushed words, and Caleb went right back to sleep. My heart seized up a little as I watched them. Carsen was good with Caleb, but Joey seemed to be a natural. He was a little unsure of himself, but it wasn’t any different than a new parent would be.
When he exited the bedroom, he pulled the door to a crack before whisking past me and back into the living room. I followed numbly as I watched him move over to stand by the door.
“Where are you going?” I squeaked when I finally found my voice.
“Home,” he shrugged. “I should go. I’ve taken up enough of your time.”
“But I thought...” I glanced around the living before looking back at him. “Wait, what did you say to get him to go back to sleep? That never works for me.” I smiled as I placed my hands on my hips.
Joey grinned before he opened the door. “I told him if he wanted to play more, he needed to take his nap so his mom would let me come back.” He released the door, strode over to me, and grabbed my shoulders, squeezing them. He leaned in like he was about to kiss me, but moved to my ear. In a low voice, his words hit me. “I’m the one for you, Ally. I’m gonna prove it. Just don’t give up on me; I’m gonna fight.” He leaned back and quickly nodded before going back to the door. “I’ll see you soon.” He waved before disappearing out of sight.
He was gonna fight for me. What did that mean? Before I could think about it much, my phone chimed with a text.
Carsen: Home game this week. I can get you into the box with the wives. Say yes.
I sucked in a breath as it all began to sink in… I was going to have to choose, and I was going to break someone’s heart in the process.
Chapter 16
Alison
There were very few nice days left in the year as it was winding down. Caleb and I had spent most of our time indoors. With the holidays looming, I knew that the snow was coming. It brought with it both excitement and dread. Last year, he wasn’t old enough to really enjoy it. We tried to play, but the first time his face hit the cold snow, he started crying. I’d given up after that and just chalked it up to him being too little.
This year Caleb could enjoy it as long as it didn’t get too deep, and I was happy for him, but I wasn’t looking forward to all the things that came along with winter. The slush everywhere, yucky roads, having to bundle up every time you went outside… the list was never ending. For now, I’d settle with the crisp air and crunchy leaves, and enjoy being out in the sunshine as much as I could.
I hadn’t heard from Carsen or Joey in over three days, and I knew something was brewing. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not. Had they talked to one another? Did Carsen know that his brother was making a move, or how I felt about it? We’d skipped the game Sunday, and I’m sure he was upset, but I needed time to think. I didn’t want to lead him on if I’m going to end up hurting him in the long run, but I needed time to myself to figure out what I wanted.
“Guess who?” A deep voice sounded from behind me as a warm pair of hands covered my eyes. We’d come to the park to enjoy these last days of fall, and Caleb was playing in the giant sandbox in front of me.
I went stiff, not sure if it was Carsen or Joey. They sounded a lot alike, but the voice was chipper. I figured if Carsen found me, he’d be upset over the whole game thing. “Um,” I stammered.
“Geez, Al. I thought you’d know by now,” he grumbled before releasing me and moving to sit down beside me on the bench I was occupying. Carsen’s long body folded as he leaned forward and propped his elbows on his knees. He tugged at the hat he was wearing. I now knew this was a nervous habit of his, before he swung his gaze in my direction. “Is everything ok?” His eyes watched me as one of his knees bounced. “I haven’t heard from you, and after you didn’t show up… well, I’ve been worried about you.”
“I’m fine.” I watched Caleb fill a bucket with sand and then dump it. He was making quite a mess, and I knew a bath would be happening in the near future.
“Are you sure?” Carsen moved closer and reached for my hand. When I pulled away, his brows dipped, and he leaned back as if I’d slapped him. “What’s going on?” His voice was quiet.
“I’ve just had a lot going on,” I mumbled.
“Like what?” he pressed. “I’m trying here,” he sighed as he moved closer. One hand reached for my chin as the other wrapped around my shoulders. “I’m trying to be what you need and give you what I can, but you have to be straight with me. Am I spinning my wheels here?” His eyes darted from side to side. We both glanced at Caleb to make sure he was still ok before looking back at each other. “I thought after what happened in the locker room, we were moving forward. What’s changed?”
“I can’t talk about that,” I murmured as I turned my head away. He released me and growled quietly.
“This is why I don’t do this.” His voice was low and so quiet that even beside him, I barely heard him. “Talk to me.” His head dropped as his shoulders sagged.
“I just need some time,” I whispered.
“Time? Time for what?” He sounded so defeated. It was like he was giving up on me and wasn’t even going to try.
“Time to think.” I lifted my eyes to stare out across the park.
“What’s changed? What is there to think about? I love him,” he pointed at Caleb. “I’m trying to love you, but you won’t let me. You’ve got this wall up, and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do; I can’t break through it.” His head was turned in my direction, but I refused to make eye contact. I knew that if I did, I’d be right back where I was this morning, unsure of what to do. If I let him touch me and get in my head today, I’d choose him. He has this power over me when he’s around, and I can’t think clearly. If Carsen’s the one, then I need to come to that conclusion on my own.
“Nothing’s changed,” I lied. “My life isn’t my life anymore. It hasn’t been for over a year. That little boy,” I pointed at Caleb. “He’s my life. I have to think about how things are going to be for him. I just need time. You make my head spin. I need to time to think without that happening.” I turned to face him and, if I didn’t know better, I’d think he was about to cry. His face looked so sad, and he sniffed before turning away from me. Tears didn’t fall, but I’m sure if he’d stuck around, they would have.
“Ok,” he nodded as he stood. “I hear you loud and clear. You want time to yourself. I’m sorry if you feel like I’m not giving you that.” He nodded again. “Take all the time you need.” He started walking away, and I should have felt relief, but I didn’t. All I felt was
sadness.
“I’m sorry,” I cried as I rubbed a tear away. I didn’t know why I was so upset. I think it was more confusion than anything. I didn’t want to push him away, but I needed to sort out what I wanted. Carsen and Joey had both occupied my thoughts to the point that I couldn’t think of anything else. I was tired and cranky. I’d been taking it out on my son, and the more I forced myself to choose, the worse it got. If a few days did this to me, what was going to happen over the next month?
His feet faltered when he heard me, but he didn’t turn around. “I’d like to see my son soon, if that’s ok with you. I can come pick him up.” The words hung in the air as he walked far enough away that he was out of earshot. Could I do that? Could I let Caleb go with him? I’d be doing this the rest of my life if I chose Joey.
oooooooo
The next day I went by the gym to meet Angie. She’d come into town with Wes, and he was signing some paperwork at the gym. It felt odd going there after the last time, but Angie was my best friend, and I’d pretty much do anything for her. We were going to go sample wedding cakes, and the thought of drowning my worries in chocolate was actually pretty appealing.
When I pushed through the door, Joey was slumped over the counter reading something. His head lifted at the sound of the door dinging, and he smiled. I waved my fingers in a timid hello before looking around for Angie.
“They’re running late,” he chuckled before turning the page on the stack of papers in front of him.
“Oh,” I nibbled my bottom lip as I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Where’s Caleb?” His head whipped around like he thought Caleb would just pop out at any second.
“Carsen’s got him. He wanted to spend time with him, and I had stuff to do, so…” I waved my hand in the air. “It’s just for a few hours. You think he’ll be all right though, right?” I began fidgeting. I’d been doing this since Carsen had shown up this morning. When he’d mentioned yesterday that he wanted to spend time with Caleb, I thought it would be later, but he called bright and early this morning wanting to come and get him. I think they’re just hanging out at his house, but I still worried.
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