by Hiba Basit
As Jacob buries his head in her shoulders, he is aware of a feeling of calmness taking over. For me, he thinks, picturing the words on the coffee cup.
***
Annette has her keys ready before she even reaches the front door. She tosses her coat on the rack, slips her pumps off and rushes upstairs two at a time.
‘David?’ she calls, catching her breath at the top.
‘In here,’ he says.
She enters the bedroom and finds him standing in the middle of the cupboard, showing off his medical boxer shorts, which highlight the stethoscope in almost every colour. ‘What should I wear?’ he asks, shrugging with his hands.
‘What do you wear? What do I wear?’ she remarks, slipping into her own cupboard.
‘Did you just get back?’
She grabs a sun-red silk dress. ‘Only just managed to escape.’ She pulls the dress over her head, the silk muffling her reply.
‘How was your day?’
‘Went too fast. Yours?’
After a short pause, he answers, ‘Tough.’
Annette walks out of her cupboard and enters his. He’s still in his shorts, and is now holding a tie with multicoloured stethoscopes on it against a grey suit.
‘What happened?’ she asks.
‘Patient died on my table.’
‘Oh! Did you see it coming?’
He nods. ‘He was ill for some time.’
‘I’m sure he knew you tried your best to save him.’
‘I hope so, Annie!’ The dress catches his eye. ‘You look stunning!’ He is still gaping at her when she slips her arms around his front and swaps the grey suit for a black one.
‘It’s not your dying days yet.’
He laughs, appalled by her humour. ‘I like the grey one,’ he contends as she starts to walk away.
‘Then wear the black one, for my sake more than yours!’
As she returns, her phone is vibrating on the dresser. Recognising the ID of the caller, she clicks the door shut and answers. ‘Hi!’
She listens to the wind on the other side. It howls as if it’s as eager as Santana to talk to her. ‘Are you ill? Oh, you poor thing!’ Annette purposely hesitates as Santana asks her the impossible. ‘You know I can’t come, sweetie,’ she says. She taps her fingers on the wood of the dresser as she listens to her daughter’s disapproval. As she hears David’s voice, she hurriedly pulls on her stockings. ‘Come on, Santana. It’s a cold! Strap on a pair, dear!’ After a few more moments, she hangs up, slips on her heels and unlocks the door.
Annette is shivering before she even makes it out of the car.
‘I should have brought a cardigan,’ she mutters, and David retreats back inside the car and waves one in the air.
‘Thanks!’ she grins as he wraps it over her shoulders. ‘I knew I could trust a man who takes longer getting dressed than me!’
He kisses her and wraps his arms around her as they cross the road, making a beeline for the restaurant. They enter and a man directs them to a four-seat sofa table near the window. Annette takes a seat near the window as David goes to the toilet. When he returns, she pulls her gaze away from the distant lapping of the waves.
‘Do you know how much protein is harvested from the sea?’ she asks him. He deliberately pauses before taking a seat. ‘What?’ she asks, indifferently, reaching for a breadstick and taking a bite. ‘I’m talking about each day. Must be more than eighty-five million.’
‘Possibly the number of brain cells I’ve used up listening to the answer!’ he says. Annette rolls her eyes and chews on her breadstick. He offers her a cheeky grin that contagiously spreads across her face. She tries to hide it with her breadstick but fails.
‘Hey, there they are!’ David suddenly shouts, throwing his breadstick on the table and wiping his hands with a napkin. Annette turns to see Matt and Melissa waving in their direction.
‘You made it!’ Annette fakes astonishment as Matt laughs. ‘Being a pilot and all.’
‘I wanted to stay in the air, but as long as I’m alive I have to come back down!’ Matt jokes. The music lingers in the background as they study the menu. Within seconds, Melissa is ready to place her order and starts to tap her fingers. Matt looks at her as her tapping amplifies to a loud drum.
‘Mel, you’re obviously hungry.’ David hands her a breadstick.
Annette runs her eyes along the courses leisurely. She’s always been the slow and deliberate one from the four.
‘What’s sashimi?’ she asks, trying to find the description.
‘You’re in the Japanese section,’ Matt grins. ‘Do you want Japanese tonight?’
‘Not really!’ She flips to a different page altogether.
‘And it means raw seafood.’
‘I definitely wasn’t going for that,’ she says, pointing her breadstick at him. As the waiter arrives at their table, they place their orders.
Melissa waits for another minute. ‘Will you hurry up?’ she says irately.
Annette drops her menu to look at her. She gives the waiter her order as Matt asks for the wine. The waiter arrives, presents the wine and then pours everyone’s first glass.
‘Would you like anything else?’ the waiter asks.
‘A glass of sparkling water, please,’ Melissa answers.
‘Oh, you’re not drinking tonight.’ David grabs a glass. ‘I thought it was my turn!’ He sips his wine contently. Matt begins to ask David about work and soon they are going back and forth between the life of a surgeon and a pilot. Melissa turns her attention to Annette who instinctively turns towards her, lifting her glass and resting her elbow on the sofa.
‘You’d never believe what Toby did today.’
Annette grins, amused at how her friend always raises the subject of Matt’s sister.
‘What now?’ she asks, glancing at Matt to see if he’s overheard.
‘Don’t worry about him,’ Melissa says. If Matt didn’t hear before, he does now as he turns towards them, intrigued. ‘He agrees with me about Toby.’
‘Oh, that.’ Matt nods. ‘She caught a taxi from Camden to Heathrow.’
Annette is shocked, knowing London quite well when she visited for a month. ‘Why didn’t she catch a train? That must have cost, what, sixty pounds.’
‘Lazy cow, that’s why. Mum pays for all her expenses as well,’ he says.
‘Toby needs a lesson in responsibility. You should get her to babysit the kids,’ David quips, but Melissa shrugs.
‘We’re busy doing that to Mali!’
‘How are the kids?’
‘Fine. Mali’s looking after them tonight. John was asleep before we left. Ams was on the couch watching Cinderella.’
‘Ah, the days when we believed in handsome princes! The reality doesn’t quite add up,’ Annette says, laughing.
Melissa places her palm over Matt’s fist. ‘I found mine,’ she says, staring intensely into his face, waiting for a reply. A long, extended silence follows as Matt blushes. Then, before Melissa cracks, Annette breaks into a loud laugh, her teeth gleaming in the glow of the moon, her face tilted backwards as she places her hand in front of her mouth. She feels the strength of her laugh. Her body shakes with liveliness and her hair unclips itself as the wine starts to settle. She enjoys the moment lavishly, sharing it with the only couple she felt comfortable around when she first moved here.
‘Public moron!’ chides Melissa as Matt relaxes in his seat, unaffected.
‘Was Mali happy to babysit?’ Annette asks, knowing how a teenage girl would want to be out with her friends instead of staying home and watching Disney with her siblings.
‘Her reply was ‘whatever’ so we assumed that meant OK.’
As the food finally arrives, Matt pops out to check on the kids. Melissa is almost halfway through her plate when he returns. They sit in the crowded room enjoying the music, chattering amongst each other and drinking as much wine as they can. Melissa lifts Matt’s glass and smells it.
‘Melissa!’ he a
dmonishes through clenched teeth, giving her name the firmness of its three syllables.
‘You can’t drink tonight,’ David says. ‘Not if you want to drive us all home in one piece.’
‘Well, there’s also another reason why I’m not drinking tonight.’ Expectantly, they all stare at her. ‘And probably won’t drink for another six months.’
Annette’s jaw drops. ‘Congratulations!’ she cries, gathering both of them into an embrace.
‘Why didn’t you say anything? When did you find out? Will you find out if it’s a boy or a girl?’ David can’t contain his excitement. Annette notices and deliberately turns her gaze back to the sea.
‘Shall we go for a walk along the beach? Mel, are you up for it?’
Melissa gets up. ‘I’ve completed a hat trick. I can manage a short walk fourth time round!’
‘Don’t you want to order dessert first?’ Matt asks, looking tentative.
‘Not really. I’m dying to be out there.’ Annette looks longingly at the water but David and Matt remain seated, suddenly looking sheepish.
‘We’ve just decided what we want to order,’ David admits.
Annette jokingly rolls her eyes at them. ‘Anyone would think you two were pregnant. Catch up with us.’
Once they’re a way along the beach, Annette stops, lifts her arms high up in the air, closes her eyes and inhales the salty air as the icy water laps against her legs.
‘It’s been so long, Mel. I haven’t walked the beach in the night for so long.’
Melissa looks into the horizon, scanning the dark, glittering sea. ‘How are things with David?’ she asks.
Annette opens her eyes. ‘They’re good.’
‘You look so tired, Annie. Was it a good idea to return to work right now?’
‘I’m fine. Honestly, I’m good.’
Melissa takes Annette’s arm and continues their walk.
‘I’m so happy for you and Matt. Do you know the sex?’
‘Not yet. Although I’ve a feeling it’s a boy.’
A spark lights inside Annette. ‘A beautiful boy. We should start coming up with names!’
Melissa shakes her head. ‘No way! Not after the last three times. You practically took on the task of naming them yourself!’
Annette tries to remember if this is true. ‘I did not,’ she ultimately concludes.
Melissa stops walking. ‘You suggested Mali the first time, I agreed. The second time, you insisted upon John after watching that stupid movie, what was it called?’
‘Dear John,’ Annette reluctantly offers, a vague recollection coming to mind.
‘Yeah! How could I forget? Then you kept on calling Amelie Ams until we agreed once again.’
Annette grins sheepishly. ‘OK, this time it’ll be different. I’ll just assist. You can come up with all the names. I’ll just find ways to organise them to make the selection process easier.’
Melissa lifts an eyebrow. ‘Fine,’ she says, succumbing.
‘Only I do have some names in mind.’
Melissa grabs a handful of wet sand as Annette shields her face. She aims it at her legs and then lies back, pulling Annette down with her. The water soaks the hems of their dresses. They lie silently, watching the crescent moon.
‘You could save the names for your own children,’ Melissa says, breaking the silence. Annette turns her head to see if she’s heard right. Without speaking, she turns her face back to the moon. ‘Has he asked you?’
‘He’s mentioned it, but it’s been fleeting.’ She gets up, sand slipping from her curls. Melissa gets up too and lifts her knees to her face, wrapping both arms around them.
‘Because you blew him off again?’
‘Yes, because I blew him off!’ The wind hits Annette’s skin, stripping her hair back from her face in one swift motion.
‘Don’t get mad at me, Annie. I’m asking because I care.’
‘I don’t care about having a baby,’ Annette fights back.
‘I know,’ Melissa says, gently taking her hand in hers. ‘If you’re not ready yet, that’s fine. It’s just, you put up this unbreakable wall whenever anyone mentions it. It makes me wonder if something else is going on. Don’t you find it weird that David is so sad and you can’t acknowledge it? That you don’t even show me when you’re upset? I mean you haven’t cried once in front of me.’ Annette lies back again. She gazes at the sky as the wind chills her wet skin. It stings, but it feels good. She closes her eyes and waits for David to come and join her.
Annette’s eyes snap open as she gasps for breath. She looks around the beach, her eyes slowly adjusting to her surroundings. Pushing the unfamiliar blanket off her skin, she rises. Her body aches. How long has she been lying on the sand for? She catches sight of Melissa walking further down the shore, by herself, her shoes hanging loosely from her hands. She’s about to call out to her, when she remembers their conversation before she fell asleep, and stops herself. Melissa had asked her if she was ready to have a child. Annette gazes absently into the night sky, a lump making its way to the middle of her throat. She closes her eyes as she tries to think, but whenever anyone mentions the topic of children, her mind turns blank. Instead, a big black wall lands in front of her eyes, making it difficult for her to feel anything other than suffocated. The last time they argued about having children, David had held her and told her that she meant everything to him and he’d give up the world to be with her. She remembers how happy she felt hearing those words but she doesn’t smile at the memory. Because although he’d said he’d give up the world, his verbal contract had a clause in it, a clause that meant giving up children was not part of that promise.
‘Oh, David,’ she whispers miserably into the salty air. ‘I wish you knew that I can never have children with you.’
Chapter Ten
Another nurse is looking after me today. Her name is Nurse Law. She peels back the last of the dressings on my legs and I look at the new paleness of my skin. My legs are healed. There are no more scratches or black bruises, it’s as if my legs are some other child’s. I tentatively touch my skin and I’m surprised by how soft it feels. I stroke my legs for a while, up and down, enjoying the tickling sensation that my fingertips make. Then I press down on my thighs, as hard as I can manage, expecting to feel pain, but I only feel a slight pressure. I feel happy. My legs no longer feel as if they’ve been tied up with barbed wire, round and round, until it’s pressing into my skin and ripping the flesh. I knock my legs against the bed. Again, I feel the coolness of the steel bars, but no pain.
‘Alex, can you feel any pain in your legs?’ Nurse Law asks, noticing me studying them. When I don’t answer, she leans forward. ‘Let’s get you out of bed. See how your legs have fared after the physiotherapy sessions.’
I feel panic constrict my chest, not because she’s already helping me off the edge of the bed but because I’ve realised something else.
‘Don’t worry, sweetie, you’ll have my support. No stepping out into the sun yet,’ she continues as she slips her arm under my shoulder. I swiftly sit upright, as rigid as I can manage, pushing my weight into my backside with all the energy I can muster. Then, I pull away from her and hide under the blanket.
It wasn’t meant to be like this. What good are my legs anyway when I have nowhere to go? The only one I want to see has to come to me, because I don’t have any clue where he is.
I hear Nurse Law calling my name. I want Andrei. I need Andrei, right now. Beneath the blankets, breathing in the warm air of my breath, I look down at my legs and my earlier joy turns to misery and then anger. They’re taking everything away from me, all of the memories of Andrei and what he and I shared. They’re taking them all away.
I feel a dull pressure behind me on the bedspread. They’re trying to brainwash you, Andrei shouts in my head, and that’s when I know. I want the bruises back. They’re the only reminders of what we shared. I need them back. Through the gap in the blanket, I notice a glass of water on the table besid
e me. I hold my breath and shut my eyes tight, to stop the tears from escaping. It’s only when I feel the rub of a hand on my back that I feel like I’m going to be sick. I slap it blindly away and push the blankets away. I feel unsteady. Sweat sticks to my forehead and under my armpits. I can smell it coming off my skin. I scan the room as if I’m seconds away from finding a mouthful of prey and reach for the glass, smashing it against the wall to gain back what I have lost.
Four years’ experience in child and adolescent mental health as well as two years spent in Africa, treating children with a range of medical problems. Annette is impressed by a single resume as she sifts through a dozen more for the position of a full-time psychiatric nurse. She quickly jots the name and number of the woman on a Post-It note, grabs the stack of files patiently waiting for her and rushes out of her office, making a beeline for the board meeting which started five minutes ago.
‘Annette, could I speak with you?’ Mary calls, catching sight of her.
‘You’ll have to walk with me, Mary.’
Mary starts to run alongside Annette. ‘I need to take a few days off work next week. My brother’s getting married so I want to fly over and surprise him.’
Annette turns a corner, taking her words in. ‘OK,’ she says, realising she may have to hire a new nurse sooner than she’d planned. ‘Tell him congratulations from me,’ she says, leaving Mary behind.
She straightens her dress out as she approaches the board meeting and tightens her band around her hair. Passing Alex’s room, she grins to herself at the memory of her little hands excitedly slotting the puzzle pieces in the correct place. Thinking about it now makes her feel warm with hope, as content as one might feel feeding their child, knowing they are in safe hands. Finally, she thinks as she turns a corner, she is getting somewhere with the girl.
Suddenly, the sound of a piercing scream freezes her in her tracks. Her heart stops with her steps and then, slowly, naturally, regains its normal rhythm. She turns to the sound, now a soft echo in her mind. The hospital grounds are quiet. She knows she should check it out but after glancing at the time, she turns and starts walking in the other direction. The sickening sound of sharp, violent screams erupts in the grounds, erasing the dull clinical hum along the corridors. Her heart starts to race as she runs towards the screams, realising with immediate dread that they are coming from Alex’s room. She throws the door open. Annette cries out in horror at the scene in front of her and the files come undone from her grip and crash onto the floor.