by Hope Navarre
Cassie pressed a hand to her forehead. “If you’re talking about becoming self-reliant, I don’t see anything wrong with that choice.”
Beth chuckled. “I’m sure you don’t. You’ve mastered the art.”
“What are you saying?”
Beth held out a hand. “Come on. Let’s sit on the couch in that glorious sun. I want to tell you some recent developments.”
When they were seated, Cassie tucked her legs beneath her, facing her mom. “Does this have anything to do with Peter?”
“Yes and no.”
“You are being so vague!”
Beth laughed. “Give me a chance to warm up to the conversation. This is very difficult for me to say.”
“Okay. I’m listening.”
Cassie sat back against the cushions. An unbidden memory of Peter holding her on this couch, when she’d first learned of her cancer, flooded her mind. He’d helped to lighten her burden—his promises assuring her he’d be there every step of the way. Yet, now...
“Your dad and I had a long talk the other night. I have to tell you that I don’t think the conversation ever would have happened if Bobby hadn’t spoken with Peter.”
“Really?”
Beth smiled. “Lots has been happening while you’ve been catching your breath.”
Catching your breath. That’s what Mom always called the days after chemo regimens. “Well, I guess you’re planning to fill me in?”
“Do you want to hear?”
Did she want to know? Was her mother about to collapse every belief she held strongly in order to carry on? “I suppose so. Facts are facts. I can always draw my own conclusions.”
Beth nodded. “Fair enough.” She pulled at a piece of lint on the throw blanket across the back of the couch. When Beth looked at Cassie again, a light of contentment burned in her eyes, which she hadn’t seen in a long, long time.
“Mom. What happened?”
“Your dad apologized.”
“That’s it?”
Beth looked incredulous. “Sweetheart, that’s everything.”
“Sometimes they’re just words. Empty. Nothing changes.”
“I understand what you’re saying, but in this case, Dad spoke from his heart, explained himself.”
“But we knew why he ran. He couldn’t handle seeing you sick.”
Beth reached for her hand. “When you love someone, you don’t stop to think how their crisis makes you feel. You rise above your own pain to meet theirs. Be there for them. Even if you simply stand there and hold their hand.”
Flashes of Cassie as a child standing by her mother’s door feeling inadequate and helpless, because Mom wanted Dad and no one else, had her closing her eyes at the memory. She whispered, “I remember how much it hurt you that Dad was gone.”
“I know you do. This is where I think I should have taken a different tack back then.” She sighed. “But hindsight is twenty-twenty, they say.”
“What would you have done differently?”
Beth grew thoughtful. “I wouldn’t have bottled up my hurt. Dad and I should have had counseling after I recovered. Even the fear of recurring cancer had us keeping each other at arm’s length. So we ran. Bobby out to sea. Me, work. My friends. Family. Anything and anyone who could help reinforce that I was not alone.”
Cassie had suspected this about her parents. As her mom spoke she felt herself become lighter. The cloud of negative emotion governing her parents’ relationship—despite how well they got along—was the reason Cassie had feared telling them about her own developing cancer. “This was why you and Grandma Mica were worried about telling Dad about me.”
She nodded. “Of course. We were enabling the situation, when we should have been dealing with my emotions and your dad’s fears head-on.” She shrugged. “Guess it’s old-school thought to sweep it under the rug. Truth is, unless you deal with negative emotions, they never go away.”
“They end up governing your choices.”
“Exactly, Cassie. And my concern is that I taught you how to be afraid of vulnerability. Thanks to Peter, I know differently now.”
Her heart hammered in her chest at the mention of his name. The last time he’d been in her house, he’d accused Cassie of so many truths she had refused to admit. He had a way with words. A way of pummeling softly at her heart and mind with certitude that made her want to listen, even if it hurt. She knew why. Peter delivered his insights with compassion, not a pointed finger. She could only imagine the role he played with Dad.
“Why Peter?”
“He had lunch with your dad. Of course, you came up.”
She wanted to ask what they said about her, but right now, she wanted to be present for her mother’s story. This conversation wasn’t about her. “My illness?”
“Yes. Dad tells me Peter was direct and forthright. Peter asked a few pointed questions about my cancer. Bobby started pouring his heart out about how badly he screwed up not being here for me when I was sick.”
“Really?”
She nodded, amazement still clear in her eyes. “Peter suggested to Dad that he tell me his feelings. Apologize. Take the time to prove to me now how much he knows what he did was wrong by sticking around and supporting you.”
“Wow.” She realized now how Grandma Mica hadn’t helped her parents’ situation any by protecting Dad from feeling upset, instead of holding his feet to the fire and making him take responsibility for his role as husband.
“What about having to fish? Didn’t he need to make money?”
Beth met her gaze. “You and I both know he could have worked around the treatments. He was afraid, so he ran. I knew he was caring for himself at my expense. I wanted like hell to forgive him but couldn’t because he acted as if he’d done nothing wrong.” She tapped her heart. “His admission touched me deep inside where I thought I’d closed off my love for him. I felt the walls crumbling. Cassie, his honesty set me free. All my defenses dropped.”
“You’ve been angry for all these years?”
“Yes. Now, I cannot tell you how much I wanted to console him for carrying the guilt all these years.”
She squeezed her mother’s hand. “I am so happy for you.”
Beth exhaled a long breath. “So now, I’d like to present the possibility that in my zeal to use self-reliance to protect us both while your dad was away, I destroyed your ability to put your faith in a man.”
Cassie grew cold. “But what about Kyle?”
“Honey, Kyle was like Bobby in so many ways. You were simply falling into the same pattern of life that your dad and I held.” She leaned forward, lowering her voice. “Ten years later, knowing what you know, do you really want emotional distance between you and the love of your life?”
Her chest tightened. “The love of my life died.”
Beth took both her hands, held tight. “Maybe so. Or are you holding on to a memory so that you don’t have to take the chance to love again?”
Cassie grew cold inside. Don’t stop living. That wasn’t Kyle in her dream. It was her telling herself she had to move on. She waved a hand. “I’ll have to think about all of this, Mom.”
“That’s all I ask.”
“So, what’s next for you and Dad?”
Beth laughed. “We’ve decided to go away on a vacation. Someplace tropical.”
Cassie couldn’t remember the last time her parents had taken a vacation together. “Wow! I am so excited for you.”
Her mother smiled thoughtfully. “We just might make it back to where we used to be.” After a moment, she stood. “Cassie, I want you to consider something.”
“Okay.”
“Peter brought me this gift by speaking honestly to Dad. Thanks to him, I feel your father and I have a chance to recapture the love we had befo
re trauma hit our lives. Please don’t throw away your feelings for Peter simply to prove that you are a capable woman.”
“Mom...”
Beth held up a hand. “Cassie. He already knows how strong you are. He doesn’t want to change you. All he wants to do is love you.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
SEVEN O’CLOCK THE next evening, Cassie arrived with her parents at Dave’s Grill and couldn’t believe the crowd that swelled the dining room out to the enclosed porch along the docks. Parking was so scarce they had to walk from down the street halfway to Gosman’s Dock.
Cassie wore a short, high-neck, sleeveless black dress, which hid the bandage covering the spot where her port had been inserted, and a comfortable but sexy pair of matching thong sandals. She’d painted her fingernails and toenails a soft blush pink. She’d tried a few turbans and scarves, but settled for leaving her head bald and wearing a pair of hoop earrings. She made a fuss of putting extra mascara on her eyelashes, glad that she still had lashes and hadn’t lost them along with the rest of her hair.
She didn’t want to admit that she’d dressed with Peter in mind. Wasn’t sure why she bothered. Bald, ten pounds underweight. Not a fetching sight for someone who wanted to have sex appeal. But her mother’s words stuck with her through the night. Beth had thrown her off balance with the sudden 180-degree turn in convictions. The only difference was that Mom and Dad had history. Over twenty-five years of life together warranted working their way back to the passion they’d lost. It was easy to see one’s mistakes over the distance of many years.
It wasn’t the same situation for her. Cassie had powerful feelings for Peter, but he had come on so strong, asked her for so much so fast. She had become overwhelmed in the swirling desires and emotions that ran between them. Peter’s insistence on being with her every free moment they had had begun to stifle her when she should have cherished the time. Is that what love did?
She wasn’t sure she could handle his intense emotions. She’d trained herself to stay neutral. Spread her net wide. What if she’d agreed to marry Peter, and he had a sudden change of heart and wanted to move back to California? Would she be happy building a new life alone with him away from her family and friends? The thought ripped her from her comfort zone of how she defined love.
If she were genuinely in love with a man, she’d travel to the ends of the earth with him. Wouldn’t she? The only way she could come to terms with how she felt was by imagining never seeing Peter again. The angst that filled her chest, making it hard to breathe, tipped her in the direction of seeking him out. She realized, just like living without Kyle, she couldn’t bear Peter’s absence any longer. These past couple of weeks alone had been trial enough. She loved him, yes. But saying the words was easy. Living up to them would prove to be the true test. Now, she had to push her boundaries. It was time to learn how far she was willing to go.
The guys had returned from fishing late yesterday with an impressive haul. Bobby immediately began recounting fish stories with a group of Cassie’s surfer friends who had gone with him yesterday on the Lady Beth. Her mom stood with Bobby, holding his hand, laughing with the guys. Cassie couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen her parents holding hands. Amazing how little acts of affection became so apparent when they’d been absent for so long.
That wave of imbalance swept over her once more. She looked around instead, drawing strength from all the folks who had gathered for her benefit. These people were the threads weaving the fabric of security she knew so well and had depended on for so long.
Dave had prepared an exquisite buffet of seared tuna accompanied by seasonal side dishes exclusive to Dave’s Grill. Waitresses threaded through the crowd with trays of tuna sushi. The bar was doing a lively job. Brian waved to her from across the room. Doc hadn’t seen her yet. His back was to her at the bar, and he chatted with two men.
She worked her way through the well-wishers, accepting hugs, answering questions, thanking folks for their support. Grandma Mica and Grandpa Phil were holding court on the porch with Uncle Micky, Aunt Judy and friends from the hospital. Rachel and Huey each gave her a big hug. She greeted them as well, all the while skimming faces in the crowd. Nowhere was Peter to be seen. By the time she reached Brian, he had a glass of water, no ice, waiting for her.
She kissed him on the cheek. “Wonderful party, Brian. Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me, thank Dave and Jackie.”
“I will when I find them but I have no doubt this was your idea.”
Doc turned to greet her, and she caught a glimpse of the men with him. One of them looked familiar. “Hey, Cassie. I don’t believe you’ve had a chance to meet Gilbert Chapman. His partner, Rudy.”
Peter’s brother. Of course. Handsome, polished, sophisticated. His partner, with his lean, dark features, was a perfect match for him. She suddenly felt self-conscious—not caring that she was bald, but embarrassed she had to face the brother of the man she had hurt. Badly.
She held out a hand. “A pleasure to meet you, Gil. And Rudy. Peter told me so much about you two.”
Both men stood. “I’ll trade that handshake for a hug,” Gil said. “After what Peter told us you’ve been through, I sure could use one!”
Cassie laughed, grateful he had opted against a condescending response. “I’m not sure I understand that logic.”
Rudy stole a hug, as well. “Nobody ever understands Gil’s logic. It’s part of his charm.”
Cassie held up a hand. “Wait. I thought you two lived in San Francisco. Did you fly here just for the fund-raiser?”
Rudy said, “If we lived in San Fran, we most certainly would have flown here for today. Supporting you is important to Peter and Peter is important to us.” He grinned. “So, that makes you important to us.”
She felt a blush stain her cheeks. They were still willing to accept her after all she’d put Peter through.
Gil added, “But to answer your question, we live here now. In the apartment above Peter’s.”
“You’re kidding! When did that happen?”
Gil frowned. “What? You don’t want us here.”
“My goodness, that’s not what I meant.” She shook her head as if in a daze. “I feel like I’ve missed so much.”
Gil gave her a pointed look. “I’m telling you, sister. You’ve missed plenty. We should talk.”
She had no doubt what he meant with his broad meaning. Deciding to cut to the chase, she scanned the room one more time. “I haven’t seen Peter.”
Brian thumbed toward the kitchen. “He’s in back. Helping bring out food.”
As he spoke, Peter emerged from the kitchen with another tray for the buffet. As if guided by radar, his dark, sensual gaze immediately found hers. He smiled, and her knees just about buckled beneath her. Not even Kyle had ever had that effect on her. Peter’s hair was brushed back, and he wore a white tailored shirt rolled at the sleeves. Black jeans hugged his athletic form. Could he possibly have grown more handsome since she’d seen him last?
When Peter headed for the buffet, she felt the heat of Gil Chapman’s stare on her face.
“You are as beautiful as Peter said you were,” Gil said. “And you look even more beautiful when you watch my brother.”
She sipped her water, buying a moment to compose herself. “I’ve made quite a mess of things.”
He shrugged. “You’ve been on one helluva roller-coaster ride for too many months. You’re forgiven.”
She shook her head. “Careful, Gil. I don’t know where this is going. Your brother may have his hands full with me.”
Rudy chuckled. “He’s used to that. You haven’t spent enough time with us yet.”
Her gaze jumped from Rudy, to Gil, to Doc, to Brian. Each man had that look on his face as if they expected her to fall into Peter’s arms and live happily ever after
. Especially Brian. Just like the expectations he and all her friends had about her and Kyle while growing up. The way Kyle’s mother used to chat to Beth over their heads at the bus stop about how it would be so romantic if she and Kyle ended up married since they were so inseparable as kids. And given Dad’s love for Kyle as the son he never had, he and Beth were ecstatic when Kyle had asked Cassie to marry him.
Had other people’s expectations motivated her to make her life choices? The realization floored her. The ground felt like it was tilting beneath her feet one more time. She didn’t like the feeling at all.
“What’s the matter, Cassie?” Doc’s concern pulled her back from her thoughts.
A hand to her throat, she swallowed another gulp of water. “I’m okay, Doc.” She handed the glass to Brian. “I need some air.”
* * *
THE TEN-MINUTE DRIVE to the lighthouse seemed like an hour, but Cassie arrived at the Fisherman’s Memorial like a ship lost in the fog. Emotions clouded her vision while the crashing surf below the cliff behind the memorial drew her toward the fence as her only clear bearing.
She glanced up at the fisherman. The sun lowering in the western sky burned the greenish-blue surface of his form with an eerie light, as if she could see his chest lifting and falling with exertion as he hauled the line in his capable hands.
That had been Kyle. Capable of anything—including stealing her heart, and her life—for ten years after he’d disappeared beneath the sea. The blame was not his. She’d given him her power for all of this time. Just as other women gave their love and intentions to men they loved, she had twisted her courage and trust into a tight ball and had tossed it into the black hole she’d dug in the middle of her body. She’d fought to prove she was independent, but in truth? She’d strapped herself into her fears like a huge pair of waders. She’d fallen into a sea of dashed hopes, and those waders had filled and pulled her down.
The time had come to cut the straps and swim to the surface.
A chill ran down her spine. Walking past the sculpture, Cassie’s focus fell on the sea. Over the years, she’d imagined all the worst and unthinkable images of what had happened to Kyle beneath those waves. Once he’d fallen over, did he realize he was doomed and release his breath right away? Had he fought as long as he could to swim to the surface? What went through his mind when he understood the expensive life vest he had spent so much money on had failed him?