by Lucie Ulrich
Up until this minute, he hadn’t remembered, and now, only had a flash of a memory of being taken to his brother’s secret hideaway. “That had to be a long time ago.”
“The summer after Mom and Dad died.” Noah secured his horse next to Micah’s.
“Was it?” Micah searched his mind. “You barely spoke to me back then. Why would you bring me here?”
Noah tossed a saddle bag over his shoulder. “I sort of had it in my head that I’d leave you out here alone for the night.”
“What?”
“Yeah, it was a rotten thought, and I couldn’t go through with it. Good thing too. Sam was furious enough that I’d taken you away from the house. I can only imagine what he’d have done if I’d come home alone.” He approached the cabin.
“Watch the second step. I’m not sure how much longer it’ll support more than a tumbleweed.”
Noah stepped close to the rail and entered the old building. “This place brings back memories.” He walked the perimeter of the small structure, touching walls, beds, and chair backs along the way. “I did a lot of screaming and cussing out here. Even a little drinking when I could swipe a bottle from one of the hands.” He placed the saddle bag on the table. “Annie would have skinned me alive had she known.”
Micah sat in the same chair he’d occupied earlier. “You mean your mother would have skinned you alive, don’t you?”
Noah pulled out a chair, flipped it around and straddled it. “That little fact hasn’t completely sunk in yet.” He folded his arms across the back of the chair. “How are you dealing with all of this?”
Micah let out a puff of air. “Just when I thought things couldn’t get any crazier…”
“Are you angry?”
“What’s to be angry about?”
“I have a mother, and you don’t.”
A knot formed in Micah’s throat. He hadn’t been able to get that thought out of his mind. “I think jealous might be a better word.” He swallowed the lump. “But I’m happy for you, Noah, and I’m even happier for Annie. Sam put her in an impossible situation. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain she’s carried all these years.”
“I know. Thankfully, Sam’s insistence that I work the ranch with you will give me a chance to get to know Annie in a whole new way.”
A wild thought ran through Micah’s brain. “You don’t suppose that was part of the old man’s plan, do you?”
Noah cocked his head and pinched his brows together. “I don’t know. Could he have felt some guilt and figured the truth might eventually come out.”
“Naw,” they said in unison, then laughed.
It didn’t take long for the laughter to fade and Noah to get serious. Micah knew he hadn’t ridden all this way to get a look at the old cabin. “Whatever it is, Noah, just come out with it.”
His brother looked him square on. “What can I do to help?”
Those simple words penetrated through any remnants of anger and mistrust Micah had allowed to linger. This was the brother he remembered from years ago. His throat tightened. “Get me out of the mess I’ve gotten myself into.”
Noah laughed. “That’s a pretty tall order.”
Micah scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I figured it couldn’t hurt to throw it out there.”
“Tell me about Morgan. Are you still in love with her?”
A cold wind blew through the cabin, chilling Micah through his fleece-lined denim jacket. His eyes wandered to the piece of stove pipe that rattled across the floor.
“Love? No. At least I don’t think so.”
“But you definitely have feelings for her.”
Micah looked up. There was no condemnation in his brother’s eyes, no judgment clouding his features. “Ridiculous, isn’t it?”
“You’re a lot like Sky, you know. You both love hard.”
The mention of Sky’s name had his stomach tightening. He’d never meant to hurt her, and yet he had — over and over again. “Sky deserves a better man than me.”
“She doesn’t think so.” Noah unclasped one side of the saddle bag, produced a thermos, and set it on the table. “And I agree with her.”
Despite his situation, Micah managed a smile. “All is forgiven, Noah. No flattery required.”
Noah retrieved a couple of disposable coffee cups from the other side of the bag. “I only use flattery on women.” He filled a cup and slid it in Micah’s direction.
“When Morgan left, I hurt for a long time.” Micah blew across the top of his cup. “I thought I’d gotten over her. I was so shocked the first time I saw her that I didn’t know what to think. But when I saw her that day in the grocery store, a lot of the old feelings came back.”
“Is that why you keep going to see her at the hospital?” He poured a cup for himself and took a sip.
“Yeah, I need to figure out if there’s anything there, or if I’m doing this out of guilt.”
“Guilt?”
“If I hadn’t been so hard on Morgan that night, she wouldn’t have peeled out the way she did, she wouldn’t have wrecked her car, and she’d still have two legs.”
“You don’t know that. It was an accident, just like Mom and Dad’s.” Noah brought the cup to his mouth, but didn’t drink. “Just like Mom and Dad’s,” he whispered. “Are you sure you’re not blaming yourself for Morgan’s accident because you’re still holding onto some guilt over Mom and Dad’s accident? That wasn’t your fault, either.”
“I don’t know. Maybe”
“Listen to me, Micah. You need to take guilt off the table and focus on what your heart is telling you.” He took a swallow of his coffee. “It’s hard to give up on your first true love. Even when you know it’s over, a part of you longs to hold on to what might have been.”
Micah studied his brother’s face. There was a degree of sadness in his eyes that hadn’t been there when he first arrived. “You’re thinking of Amanda, aren’t you?”
Noah’s eyes widened. “What made you say that?”
“I know I was only a kid at the time, but it was pretty obvious you were crazy about her.” Pain tightened his brother’s features. Micah always felt sure there was more to the story of their breakup, but wasn’t surprised that Noah hadn’t confided in his eleven-year-old brother. He remembered a lot of shouting and arguing around that time. Sam had obviously been furious about something. Then again, Sam was always angry about one thing or another. “Did your breakup with Amanda have anything to do with the reason you left?”
Noah pressed his palms to his eyes and rubbed. “Amanda was pregnant.”
“That certainly answers a few questions.”
“That’s just the beginning. She didn’t want to marry me and her family wanted me as far away from their daughter as possible, so I did what I thought best. I signed some adoption papers relinquishing all rights to the child I’d fathered. Sam flew into a rage when I told him. He didn’t technically throw me out, but things were so bad that I simply couldn’t stay there any longer.”
Micah’s jaw dropped. He closed it and opened it again to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. He hurt for his brother as well as for himself. So many years lost, so much senseless anger and resentment. “I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing to say.” Noah swirled the coffee in his cup. “At least now I understand a reference Sam made to Dad after I told him what I’d done. Seems we Connors boys have a penchant for getting ourselves into trouble with the ladies.” He swallowed the last of his coffee and pointed in Micah’s direction. “But you, little brother, have a chance for something good, and I’d hate to see you blow it. Whether he meant to or not, Sam did you a huge favor by adding that marriage clause to his will.”
“Sam had no idea who I’d marry.”
“True, but there’s always Divine intervention.”
Micah’s head spun. Noah had a child and was talking about Divine intervention, Annie was Noah’s mother, and Morgan wanted him back. He rubbed his temples. And then
there was Sky, beautiful, sweet, Sky. The thought of their near-kiss in the barn turned his knotted stomach to one filled with butterflies. He placed no more than an eighth of an inch of space between his thumb and index finger. “You know, I came this close to kissing Sky the night Annie broke her leg.” He let out a long breath. “And I really wanted to kiss her. She’d cooked for me. We’d talked, laughed, even flirted. Everything was perfect.”
“That’s when you got Morgan’s call?”
“Yeah.” Micah stood and walked to the non-existent window. Tiny flakes of snow flitted in the wind. “I left without giving Sky another thought. It’s no wonder she took off. Now that I think of it, I’m surprised she stayed as long as she did.”
The sound of Noah’s boots was nearly drowned out by a howling wind, blowing through the cracks in the walls and roof. He placed a hand on Micah’s shoulder. “I can’t tell you what to do, Micah, but I’d like you to hear me out then take a little time to think about what I’ve said.”
Micah turned to face him. “You came all the way out here. Guess the least I can do is listen. ”
Noah removed his hand and leaned against the dusty wall. “I don’t know Morgan, so I can’t comment on the type of relationship you shared, nor can I judge her motives for wanting you back. I do know Sky, however, and dare I say that I know her heart — at least where you’re concerned. She doesn’t just love you, Micah, she loves your family. Does Morgan? Would Morgan have given up two years of her life had the situation been reversed? Would she be willing to take care of Annie if the need arose? Would her heart go out to a crippled pup, or an ornery pregnant horse? Which of the two do you think will stand by you through good times and bad, thinking more of you than herself?”
Micah rubbed a hand over his mouth. “I didn’t fall in love with Morgan for her humanitarian deeds. I simply fell in love.”
“Understood. Thing is, Micah, you’re married to Sky. If after the next two years, Morgan is who you want, I’ll stand behind you all the way. There is, however, one more thing I’d like you to think about.”
“Why, because you haven’t given me enough already?”
Noah laughed. “Sorry, little brother, guess I’m on a roll.”
“At this point, I’m open to just about anything.”
“I’d like you to consider putting all of this in God’s hands.” Noah shrugged. “I realize that probably sounds strange coming from me, but do you remember the day you came to my motel room?”
“It’s kinda hard to forget.”
“I’m not proud of that moment, but I’d pretty much hit rock bottom. I was jobless, broke, and my reputation was down the toilet.” He pointed to his chest. “And I had no one to blame but myself. Being forced to come back to the one place I never wanted to see again, and work alongside a brother who wanted nothing to do with me, added enough weight to bring me to my knees.
“I was a man in need of saving, and had been for a long time. Reality didn’t penetrate until every bit of who I’d built myself up to be had been stripped away.” He clasped both of Micah’s shoulders. “Don’t wait until you’ve lost everything, Micah.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Micah tossed and turned most of the night. The wind whistled outside his window, and branches scraped against the side of the house. His brother’s words hadn’t stopped replaying through his mind since the moment he’d left the old shack. He’d never thought of himself as a lost soul. Rather someone who was strong and independent, despite any doubts on his grandfather’s end. While his grandfather’s death should have brought him complete independence, Micah found himself more lost and confused than ever.
The way he’d treated Sky since Morgan’s return was nothing short of reprehensible. He’d taken her love for granted and assumed she’d be waiting when he was ready to make his decision.
He pushed the covers back and dressed. Annie was whipping some eggs into submission when he walked past her and into the mud room. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He grabbed his jacket and left the house. A quick rap on Noah’s door produced no response. He knocked harder.
A light shone through the living room window before the door opened. Noah greeted him wearing a pair of sweat pants and a T-shirt. He rubbed his eyes. “You do realize what time it is, right?”
“I know it’s early, but I need to talk to you.”
“Come on in.” Noah stepped aside.
Micah walked into the living room. “All those things you said about Sky yesterday. You seem to know her well for someone who only moved back to town a little over a month ago.” He turned. “I get the feeling the two of you have spent more time together than I realized.”
Noah yawned and shuffled toward the kitchen. “Please don’t tell me you’re itching for a fight. It’s too early in the morning for me to have my wits about me.” He flipped on the coffee maker.
“I’m not looking for a fight. Just some answers.” Micah moved from the living room to the breakfast bar and sat. “How much have you told her about our family? About you and me?”
“We talked about Amanda over lunch, and while in the attic, I told her about the night of the accident.”
“The attic?”
“Yeah, we were putting Annie’s teapot away—”
“And that took two of you?”
Noah shrugged. “She wanted to get some of her Christmas stuff. I hadn’t intended to tell her anything, but she asked. I needed to talk about it, Micah, to share it with someone completely impartial.” He reached for two mugs. “We still okay?”
Regret for not having told Sky himself gnawed at Micah’s empty belly. There were so many things he should have said. He hadn’t wanted her to leave, yet he’d paved a path straight out the door. He couldn’t fault his brother for being kind when he was so self-absorbed. “Yeah, we’re good.”
“Don’t give up, Micah, not on yourself, and not on Sky.”
****
It was a little after ten by the time Micah pulled into the hospital parking lot. He needed to fix so many mistakes but wasn’t sure his efforts would amount to anything more than additional pain. He entered the lobby and took his time walking toward the elevator, pausing in front of the chapel. The stained glass rendition of the sun with its rays filtering through the clouds brought back a long-forgotten childhood memory. His mother had pointed out what she called God rays. She said she always felt God was shining down on her when she saw them.
The bittersweet thought had his eyes glassing over with tears. With his brother’s advice in mind, Micah pushed the door open and took a tentative step inside. A large wooden cross dominated the far wall. He sat on the first pew he came to and bowed his head. For the last eighteen years, the only time he’d graced the door of a church had been for weddings and funerals.
I have no right to ask anything of you, but I’m lost, God, and I don’t know where else to turn. If you could see your way clear to steer me in the right direction, I’d be much obliged. I’ve made a mess of things, and I’d like a chance to fix my mistakes. Especially the ones I made with Sky. He stood and looked at the empty cross. Thanks for listening.
A few minutes later he entered Morgan’s room. The bruises on her face had faded considerably since his last visit, and the color had returned to her cheeks. On closer observation, he noted eye shadow and lipstick. It pleased him to see her looking so healthy. She was beautiful, yet to his great surprise, he felt none of the old stirrings. “Hi.”
“You didn’t come yesterday.” The smile on her face couldn’t mask the undercurrent of bitterness in her voice.
“I called. You said you understood.”
“I’m sorry.” She held out her hand to him. “Guess I haven’t figured out how not to feel sorry for myself yet.”
He took her hand and squeezed it. Its warmth and softness filled him with memories, both happy and sad. “That’ll pass. You’re too stubborn to let something like this stop you. It’s one of the things I…”
“You what?”
Her hopeful smile tugged at his heart, but not enough for him to reveal that her stubbornness had been one of the things he’d loved best about her. “It’s one of the things I know will get you through this.”
Morgan pulled him onto the bed and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I want you to help me get through this. I need you, Micah.” And just that quickly, she was kissing him.
His lips melted into hers before his brain had a chance to realize what he was doing. With a jerk, Micah pulled her arms away and stood. “Please don’t do this, Morgan.”
“But I love you.”
“You seem to keep forgetting I’m married.”
“No, I never forget you’re married.” She turned her head away. “If only I hadn’t turned down your proposal.” Her shoulders shook while quiet sobs escaped her lips. “Everything would be different.”
Micah crossed to the window and stared out at the snowy landscape. Of course things would be different. The accident had softened his initial bitter feelings and brought back far too many remembrances of the love they once shared. He needed to make sure Morgan understood that his commitment to Sky came first.
“Micah?”
Her anxious voice pulled him back to the present. He moved to stand next to her bed. “We can’t live in the past, Morgan.”
“No, but I can dream of a future, can’t I?”
His heart hurt for the pain he was putting her through. He should never have let things get this far. “Not if it includes me.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “Please don’t say that.”
Working his way to the other side of the bed, he pulled up a chair. “Listen to me, Morgan. I hate what happened to you, and I’ll always feel that I’m partly to blame, but I can’t keep coming here to see you like this. Not without Sky.”
Her face reddened, and a gasp escaped her lips. “Are you telling me you love her?”
He nodded. “I didn’t see it coming, but, yeah, that’s exactly what I’m telling you.”
“And here I figured she swooped in the moment you were free and took advantage of your vulnerability.”
“You aren’t giving Sky nearly the credit she deserves. Nor are you completely wrong. There’s so much I want to tell you, but not until I have Sky by my side.”