Keeping 13

by Chloe Walsh

"No," Dad replied.

  "Fuck," I croaked out. "How am I going to tell Shannon?"

  "Tell me what?" Shannon's voice filled my ears and I flinched.

  "Shan," I choked out, pushing away from my father and finding her hovering in the kitchen doorway, looking small and terrified. "You okay?"

  "What's wrong?" she croaked out, eyes wide and full of fear. "Why are you crying?"

  "I'm not crying, baby." Sniffling, I wiped my eyes and moved to go to her, needing to hold her in my arms and just stop the world for a minute. My head was spinning, my heart was reeling, and I couldn't take it all in. Closing the space between us, I pulled her into my arms and squeezed her body tighter than I knew I should. "I love you," I whispered, holding her close. "Jesus Christ, Shan, I'm so fucking sorry."

  "Why are you sorry?" she choked out, clinging to my waist. "What's going on?"

  "I tried, Shan," I strangled out, tightening my hold on her. "I really did."

  "Johnny, what's happening?" she asked, voice cracking.

  "Shannon!" Darren's voice filled my ears and I turned just as he burst through the utility room door, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Are you all okay?" His bloodshot eyes were wild and panicked as he staggered into the kitchen. "Where are the boys?"

  "Darren?" Shannon cried, breaking out of my hold. "What's happening here?"

  "Shan –" A gut-wrenching sob tore from his throat. "I can't –"

  "The boys are all here and they're all safe," Dad replied, moving to catch Darren just as his legs gave out beneath him. "That's it– you're okay." Lowering them both to the floor, my father pulled him into his arms. "I've got you."

  "Mam," he cried, burying his face in my father's neck. "My Mam!"

  "I know," Dad whispered, cupping the back of his neck. "Shh, I know, lad. I know."

  "What's wrong with Mam?" Shannon choked out, trembling violently. "Wh-what did he d-do?"

  "She's dead!" Darren cried. "He fucking killed her!"

  "No!" Shaking her head, Shannon backed away like her brother's words had scalded her. "No, no, no, you're telling lies."

  "He killed my mother," Darren choked out, clutching my father. "Fucking bastard –"

  "Stop saying that!" Shannon screamed, pulling on her hair. "She's not dead, Darren. She's at home – I saw her!" Clutching her head in her hands, she glared at her brother and hissed, "She's fine." Tears streamed down her cheeks as she looked up at me. "Tell him, Johnny!" she begged, lunging for me. "Tell him he's wrong!" Grabbing my hand, she tugged aimlessly. "J-just t-tell h-him –"

  "There was a fire at your house, Shan," I strangled out, feeling my body shake with the effort it was taking not to lose it.

  "A fire?" Her eyes were wide and full of tears. "No, Johnny, no!"

  "There was a fire, baby," I croaked out, heart racing. "And your Ma…she, ah –" my words broke off and I cleared my throat before forcing the words, "she and your Da didn't make it," out of my mouth.

  "No." It was one word but I knew the sound would haunt me until my dying day as she stared up at me, those big, blue eyes begging me to tell her different. I wanted to – more than anything – but there was no escaping this. Her parents were dead.

  "I'm so sorry," I whispered, moving for her. "Shan, I'm so –"

  "No!" she repeated, backing up until her back hit the wall behind her. "No!" Covering her face with her hands, she slid down the wall. "Mammy, no, no, no! Not my Mam…not my Mam."

  A tear slid down my cheek as I watched her, feeling more helpless than I ever had in my life. Crouching down beside her, I placed a hand on her knee. "Shan –"

  "No," she strangled out, shaking my hand off. "No, no, no."

  Exhaling brokenly, I tried again. "Shan –"

  "I said no!" she sobbed, wrapping her arms around her legs. "No…" Burying her face in her knees, she rocked back and forth. "Oh god, they're both gone."

  "I know." Feeling at a complete loss, I edged closer and nuzzled her shoulder with my cheek, desperate to give her comfort. "I'm so sorry."

  "Joey," Shannon sobbed. "Joey…. Oh, god, where's Joey?"

  "It's okay, Shannon," my father replied, tone coaxing. "We'll find him, pet."

  "He doesn't know," she wailed. "He's gone!" She tugged roughly on her hair. "He's just gone –"

  "Don't," I choked out, taking her hands in mine. "Don't do that to yourself, baby." I couldn't take another second of watching her like this. "Please."

  "Don't touch me!" Trembling, Shannon yanked her hands away from mine, chest heaving. "D-don't do it, okay?"

  "Okay." Holding my hands up, I watched her watch me, feeling my heart crack clean open in my chest. "I won't do anything you don't want me to."

  I remained exactly where I was, keeping my hands to myself, as I waited for her to take what she needed from me.

  Eventually, she did.

  With a huge sob, Shannon scrambled onto my lap and threw her arms around my neck, clinging to me in a way I knew I would never fully deserve. "Don't leave me –" Tightening her arms around my neck, she buried her face in my chest and whispered, "Please don't go…"

  Exhaling a broken sigh, I wrapped her up in my arms and held her to me. "I won't." Tightening my hold on her frail body, I rocked her gently. "I'm right here." Exhaling a ragged breath, I ducked my face and dropped a kiss to her hair. "I promise."

  I wanted to stand in front of this girl and shield her from all the horror she was exposed to. It wasn't right, dammit, and I felt like I was drowning in the unfairness of her life. If I could lay her cuts and bruises over my skin, I would.

  A loud knock came from the back door then, followed by a male voice. "John, is it okay if we come in?"

  "We're in here, Billy," Dad called out, still holding Darren. "Come on in."

  Two uniformed Gardaí walked into our kitchen then, followed by my father's friend, superintendent Billy Collins. The moment they removed their hats and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss," the worst, most heartbreaking sob tore from Darren's throat and Shannon sagged weakly against me.

  Holding her tightly, I slowly rocked her in my arms, whispering everything and anything I could think of in her ear so she didn't have to hear what the Gards were saying to my father and Darren. She was hysterical, gasping for air, and crying harder than I'd ever heard her cry before. My heart was shattering into a million pieces, my mind reeling, but I stayed right there with her, unable to separate my emotions from hers.

  When Dad, Darren, and the Gardaí went down to the sitting room to where Mam was with the younger boys to break the news, and the screaming started, I held her even tighter. Right there on the floor of my kitchen, I cradled her in my arms, feeling every one of her sobs and cries in the deepest part of my soul. "Shh, little darling…"

  "You're s-singing." Sniffling, she clung to my chest. "Here Comes the Sun."

  I was singing.

  I was doing whatever I could to make this better for her.

  "That's m-my Granda Murphy's s-song," she hiccupped. "You remember me t-telling you t-that?"

  "Yeah." I remembered her telling me about her grandfather singing this song to her when she was frightened and it was all I could do in this moment. "Should I stop?"

  "N-no." Shannon shook her head. "D-don't stop."

  Trembling, I continued to rock her in my arms and softy hum the words of the song in her ear, while I waited for the doctor I knew had been called.

  67

  Here Comes the Sun

  Shannon

  At first, I was numb, completely and utterly numb as my mind tried to digest the words, the images, the unknown. Then, a tingling sensation swept through my body, attacking every nerve ending inside of me, making every limb tremble violently. But it was the pain that was the most unbearable. It came last, and drowned me in jagged, crushing, life-altering torment. My heart couldn’t take the pressure and I was certain it would stop beating. It didn’t and that surprised me. I was surprised to be still alive having had my heart cut clean open. I wasn’t stabbed in
the back. I was stabbed in the front, in the chest, right through the middle. And unlike a blade, the damage felt like buckshot, splaying and splicing me in countless areas and so many irreparable ways. How it was still beating was truly beyond me.

  I couldn’t think about him without a surging attack of grief and anger washing over me, drowning me in my bitterness.

  I wasn't sure if I was still screaming because I couldn't hear my own voice anymore. Someone had come into the house and hurt me. Poked me with something sharp. At least, that's what it felt like. The person stabbing me told me that it was okay, that I was such a brave girl, and this would make me feel better. I didn't listen to that voice. Instead, I concentrated on the deep timbre of his voice as he sang the words of The Beatles' Here Comes The Sun in my ear over and over. Sagging against Johnny, I closed my eyes, feeling woozy, and tried to breathe through it – as I tried to find a way to survive the godawful hemorrhaging of my heart, and the annihilation it had taken at the hands of my father. My sanity had certainly slipped. Delirious and grief-stricken, my mind continued to whizz around and haunt me with the truth.

  They were dead.

  They were both dead.

  "Mammy," I slurred brokenly, not even recognizing my own voice now. "My Mam –"

  "You're my little darling," Johnny whispered. His large hand cupped the back of my head as he held me to his chest, slowly rocking our bodies. "My little darling is safe with me."

  The familiar smell of his bedroom was all around me then, but that didn't make sense. How were we in his bedroom? I was just in my bedroom? Everything was dark and I couldn't figure any of this out. "Shh," Johnny whispered, laying me down on something soft and warm. "I'm right here."

  Trembling, I clung to his body, feeling the floor dip beneath me. Or maybe it was a mattress. I couldn't be sure of anything anymore. Shivering in his arms, I closed my eyes and breathed him in. "Mammy."

  "Shh," he whispered over and over, holding me so close to his chest that I could feel his heart banging against my cheek. "Just close your eyes." I felt his lips against my hair. "I'll be here watching over you."

  "You're always doing that," I slurred, feeling drowsy and numb. Everything was slipping away from me. I couldn't keep ahold of my thoughts. I felt like I was falling away. Like a warm and enticing darkness was trying to cloak me. "My mind is going on me."

  "Let it go," he whispered. "You don't need it tonight."

  Nestling closer, I held onto him, feeling numb and bone weary. "I might be dying."

  "You're not dying." His arms tightened around me. "You're just sleepy."

  "Joey…" I tried to blink, but my eyes wouldn't open back up. "Joey's…all gone…"

  "I'll find him," Johnny whispered. "I'll bring him back for you."

  "You…promise?" I croaked out, feeling a thick wave of exhaustion sweep through me.

  "I promise," were the last words I heard Johnny say before I stopped clinging on and let the darkness take me away.

  68

  I See Fire

  Johnny

  "You don't have to come with me, son," Dad said for the tenth time as we drove through Ballylaggin town. "I can turn around and take you home."

  "I'm coming." I couldn't stay at home. I needed out of that house and away from the screaming. The doctor had arrived a while ago and gave Shannon some sort of injection to sedate her. She was sleeping now, curled up in a small ball and passed out cold on my bed. I held her while the doctor took care of her, unable to let her go, until she finally gave in and let sleep take her. Mam was still in the sitting room with Darren and the younger boys. They were still weeping and sobbing their hearts out. It was too much to take and I felt like I was smothering in their grief. "I need to not be there right now," I admitted, knees bopping restlessly. I couldn't do shit in that house, but I could help my father get Joey. Billy had called to let Dad know that Joey had shown up at the house and was understandably hysterical. He'd managed to barge his way past the authorities and make a break for the house before the firemen dragged him back out. The Gards couldn't make any hand of him and didn't want to arrest or restrain him. They were looking for a next of kin, someone to help him and take him away from the area, but all the Lynchs had was an eighty something year old great-grandmother – and us.

  "It's going to be daunting," Dad said as he turned up the familiar hill to Shannon's house. "The fire's not out yet – and they might not have moved the bodies. Are you sure you can handle it?"

  "I'll be fine."

  He glanced sideways at me. "Johnny, are you sure?"

  I nodded stiffly. "I need to do this, Da."

  Flames, smoke, and fire were all I could see, all I could smell when my father pulled onto the street. Reality came crashing down on me as I took in the sight of Shannon's house burning. Jesus Christ, I'd been in that house just a couple of hours ago.

  Those kids…

  Shannon…

  A shudder rolled through me.

  They could have all been burnt to death.

  "Da," I choked out, eyes locked on the ambulance and fire engines. "I had the chance to save her and I didn't…"

  "No," my father replied, cutting me off as he parked the car and turned to face me. "You saved her children."

  "But she was right there," I strangled out, shaking. "Right in front of me." I dropped my head in my hands. "And now they don't have anyone."

  "They still have us," Dad corrected, unfastening his seatbelt. "And I still have you." Reaching over, he grabbed my neck and forced me to look at him. "You could have died in that house tonight," he whispered. "I could have lost my boy –" He pressed his forehead to mine and exhaled a ragged breath. "I'd throw the whole world away to keep you – them included – and I'm not sorry for it."

  "I'm fine, Da," I choked out. "I'm okay –"

  "Then don't do this to yourself," he ordered, smoothing my hair back. "You did everything right. You are a good man. You saved her children."

  "I feel so responsible," I confessed.

  "Don't," he replied, steely-blue eyes locked on mine. "This is not on you. This is the work of a madman."

  "How could he do that?" I croaked out. "I don't understand…"

  "Neither do I, son," Dad replied. "And I don't want to." Pressing a kiss to my brow, he leaned back and looked me straight in the eye. "I need to go and get Joey now," he said calmly. "You can stay in the car, Johnny. You don't need to come with me –"

  Commotion surrounding a group of Gardaí caught my attention, and we both turned to see Joey thrashing around like a maniac, throwing off a blanket they were trying to place over his shoulders. He was frantic and screaming as he tried to push and barge his way into the house. He was all on his own. The last Lynch, standing all alone. "My brothers and sister!" he was screaming, as he pushed against the Gardaí holding him back. "Let me the fuck in!"

  "There's no one else inside."

  "You're wrong!" he roared. "My brothers and sister are upstairs! They're inside that house. You have to let me get them. I left them! I left them in there with her!"

  "Ah shit," Dad muttered, as he climbed out of his Mercedes and jogged towards the house. "Joey? It's alright, lad."

  "I left them in there!" he continued to scream. "Get your fucking hands off me, you dirty pig –"

  "Ah, shite." Unfastening my seatbelt, I shoved the car door open and rushed for the house. Ducking under the tape, I moved straight for my girlfriend's brother, slipping past the authorities trying to stop me. "Joe, it's okay –"

  "Kav," he strangled out, noticing me. "I fucking left them in there." Tears were dripping down his soot stained cheeks as he broke free from a Garda's hold and ran straight for me. "You have to help me get them out," he panted, eyes wild, and clothes covered in soot and smoke stains. "I walked out – I got pissed and left – but I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave them, so I came back, but the house was – and my mother…fuck, Shannon…Tadhg! Nobody's listening to me –"

  "I have them, Joey," I snapped at
him, desperate to get him to hear me. "I got them out."

  "You have them –" His voice cracked. "You got them out?"

  I nodded, shaking. "Ollie, Tadhg, Sean, and Shannon."

  "Shit… Darren." Panic filled his eyes and he bolted towards the house once more. "My brother's still in there –"

  "No, he's at my house, too," I choked out, dragging him back to me. "They're all there. I swear to god, lad, all of your brothers and Shannon are at my place right now." Wrapping my arms around him, I held him back as I whispered, "They're safe."

  A ragged breath tore from his throat and he sagged against me.

  "You both need to get out of here," a fireman barked. "It's not safe."

  "We're going," I strangled out, backing away with Joey in my arms. "Come on, lad –" My breath caught in my throat when my gaze landed on the body bags being wheeled into the back of an ambulance. I spun us both around, desperately trying to block the image out of both my head and his. "You don't need to watch this."

  "This is my fault," he whispered.

  "No." Shaking my head, I hauled him back under the tape and moved straight for my father's car. "It's not." Flicking my gaze up to meet Dad's, I gestured for him to climb in. "This is his fault, Joey. Not yours."

  "I was high," he choked out. "I lost my head and walked out on them."

  "And if you stayed, you'd have been passed out in your bed," I barked. "Darren wouldn't have been out trying to find you, Shannon wouldn't have been awake to call me, and you all would have burned to death in your sleep!"

  "Jesus Christ," he hissed, stiffening in my arms. "My mother –"

  "This is not on you," I practically snarled in his ear as I hauled him into the backseat of my father's car and climbed in beside him. "So don't you dare let that bastard get in your head!"

  Sinking down on the seat, Joey tipped his head back and closed his eyes, still as a statue and silent as a ghost.

  "You didn't do this," I repeated, leaning over to fasten his seatbelt. "He did this."