by Chloe Walsh
"Johnny got called up for the senior team, too," Gibsie blurted, driving over me with his double decker bus once again in his pathetic attempt to cover his tracks. "U20's and senior." Keep fucking mowing me down, why don't you… "He got two call-ups!"
"Holy Jesus, you did it, Cap!" Stumbling to his feet, Hughie clutched his chest and gaped in wonder. "You actually fucking did it!"
"The senior team? Oh Christ, I'm going to throw up," Feely announced, breathing hard through his nose. "I'm so proud and so scared for you right now that I can't feel my feet."
"I'm only a reserve for the senior team," I said, feeling incredibly uncomfortable.
"And starting outside center for the u20's," Gibsie reminded me. "I guess the number 13 isn't so unlucky for you, is it, Cap?"
"It's not that big of a deal," I said, eyeing my girlfriend warily. Yeah, I was on the cusp of being rewarded for everything I had worked for. I had spent the past twelve years in beast mode, working to achieve the elusive career that was now knocking on my door. All the sacrifices I made in my life; skipping parties, controlling my food intake like a robot, and training until my body hit its breaking point. Being a boring bastard, pumping it out in the gym on Saturday evenings and Sunday mornings instead of hanging out with my friends? It had all been for this exact moment. To get to this point. To be recognized for who I was and what I was capable of achieving. To be taken into the coach's office last Saturday and be told that I was good enough. That I had made it. And instead of feeling fulfilled, I felt empty. Because somewhere along the way, without my brain or heart's permission, my dreams and goals for my future had shifted. I didn’t even notice the shift happening. I didn’t feel the full force of my apprehension until this exact moment in time as I was hit with the sudden realization that I didn’t want any of this without her. The contract looming over my head, the one I was guaranteed with my home province in Dublin if I performed during the summer games, meant absolutely nothing if it took me away from her. Because she would be here, and I would be leaving. And how the fuck could I leave her after everything?
Getting onto the U20's squad had been my plan for so long, and I was starving for my shot. I'd earned it. I wanted it. Jesus, of course I wanted it. More than almost anything in the world. Just not more than her.
I was feeling thoroughly conflicted, and with the prospect of traveling with the senior team for the summer tour, combined with the death of Shannon's parents and upheaval of her life, I was completely torn apart.
I knew what I needed to do for me, but it wasn't the same as what I needed to do for us. If I left, it meant walking away from her during a time when she needed me most. She had her junior cert exams coming up, and her brother was in rehab. Her fucking world had fallen down around her and I was contemplating chasing a rugby ball around a pitch half a world away.
For days, I'd wrestled with telling Shannon about the squad, struggling with forming the words to explain it, before deciding to put all talk of rugby on the back burner until after the funeral. Now that the cat was out of the bag, courtesy of my eejit best friend, Shannon was just staring at me with an expression I couldn't fathom.
Silently raging with Gibsie for opening his mouth, today of all damn days, I quickly hurried on. "I'm not even sure if I'm going yet, and it's another few weeks away, so can we not talk about it? At least until we get school out of the way? We still have this week and next week to go. And final exams –"
"No," both Hughie and Feely shot back in outrage.
"All of the dreaming and scheming, the early mornings and the countless grind and hustle?" Hughie shook his head and stared at me like he didn't recognize my face anymore. "You're finally going to show the world what you're made of, Cap."
"This is a huge deal, Johnny," Feely added. "Like colossally huge."
"It's really not," I muttered, playing it down, as I ran a hand through my hair in sheer exasperation. "So, can we all just calm down?"
"Actually, it's probably the biggest deal of your life to date," Lizzie decided to join the fold by saying. "Just saying."
"Could you not just say," I snapped, flustered. "Jesus, today is not the day to talk about this."
"Congratulations," Shannon choked out, tears trickling down her cheeks. "You did it."
Was she happy? Was she sad? I didn't know. I had no fucking clue. All I could think of was her heartbroken face as she watched her mother being lowered into the ground only a few short hours ago. I wanted to tell her I wouldn't go – that I'd stay right here with her. And I truly would if she wanted me too… but a part of me was desperate for this opportunity. I was disgusted with myself for feeling this way, but I couldn't change it. "Shan, don't cry, baby. It's not a definite yet. I haven't made any dec –"
"You did it!" she cried and then threw her arms around me. "You made it, Johnny!" Scrambling onto my lap, she wrapped her arms and legs around me and squealed. "Oh my god, I'm so proud of you."
My brows shot up in surprise. "You are?"
"Of course," she sniffled, pulling back to smile at me. "You fought for this, Johnny." Stroking my cheeks, she leaned in and pressed a kiss to my lips. "You've earned this."
"But you're crying," I choked out, voice thick with emotion.
"Because I'm so happy for you," she half-sobbed/half-laughed. "You're being rewarded for all of your hard work." Sniffling, she cupped my face in her small hands and pressed her forehead to mine. "This is your time." With her big, blue eyes locked on mine, she urged, "Take this. It's yours," before pressing a hard kiss to my lips. "Take it and shine."
"I'm scared," I whispered in her ear, not giving too damn shites that our friends were lurking around, eavesdropping. I needed to get this off my chest before I exploded. "I'm scared to take this and lose you."
"I'm yours, too," she promised. "You can have both."
"I've been fighting for this my whole life, Shannon," I strangled out, feeling my chest constrict so tight that I struggled to breathe. "This isn't a whim to me."
She nodded. "I know."
"I have to do it," I confessed, begging her with my eyes to forgive me. "I have to see it through."
She smiled. "I know."
"Then why does it feel all wrong?" I choked out.
"It's not wrong, Johnny," she whispered. "It's right and that's what's scary."
"I won't do it," I blurted out, panicking and backpedaling. "If you have doubts, tell me now, and I'll stay. If you don’t want me to go, then I won't. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it –"
"I want this for you," Shannon cut me off by saying. "I want you to chase your dreams and show the world how amazing you are."
"But I'll be gone for a month," I croaked out, heart hammering violently in my chest. "Maybe even a month and a half. Could be more. That's a long time, Shan."
"And I'll be here when you come home. If it's in a month, or a month and a half, or two months, or four –" sniffling, she gave me a bright smile, "I'll be right here waiting for you."
"You're hurting my ladder," Gibsie said in a sad tone of voice.
"What?" Shannon and I both asked in unison as we turned to look at him.
"My ladder," Gibsie explained with a lonesome sigh. "You made it shrink with all this talk of Johnny leaving." Sinking down on the grass beside Claire, he huffed out a breath. "Now, I'm fucking depressed."
"Oh, come on. He'll come back to you, too." Hooking her arm through his, Claire leaned her cheek against Gibsie's shoulder. "And you can't be too sad, Gerard – we're having babies together this summer, remember?"
"Yeah, I know," he sighed heavily as he rested his chin on her head. "But I'm still not sure we're ready for that kind of responsibility, babe. I mean, I'm only seventeen."
"Well, ready or not, the babies are coming," Claire replied, patting his knee. "And it's your fault for letting him in."
"What the actual fuck?" Lizzie and Hughie both demanded at the same time.
"Brian," Gibsie explained in a glum tone. "Turns out he had an undescen
ded testicle and wasn't shooting blanks like we thought."
"And that explains why you're having babies this summer how exactly?" Katie choked out, eyes-wide.
"He had sex with Cherub," Gibsie wailed. "We caught them at it in Claire's room back during Easter break. And now she's pregnant."
"Our cat Cherub?" Hughie demanded. "Brian got her pregnant?"
"We've had our suspicions for a while, but the vet confirmed it last Wednesday," Gibsie groaned. "We saw them and everything, didn't we, babe?"
"Uh-huh – on an ultrasound monitor," Claire agreed. "She's having six kittens."
"Did you know a cat's pregnancy can last anything from 56 to 67 days?" Gibsie asked.
"No," the rest of us replied.
"Well, she could give birth anytime from the middle of next month onwards," Claire told us. "Isn't that exciting?"
"It's going to cost me a small fortune," Gibsie sighed. "And my Mam says that they're my responsibility because I brought him into her bedroom, and I should have known better, but I didn't fucking know better because I was under the assumption that he was walking around with a permanent condom on his cat dick. But no, he lied to me – lied to the vets, too. He had a sperm-filled ball all along!"
"And she's not the only cat on the street he knocked up, either," Claire added. "Apparently, Mrs. Lovell's grey tabby had a litter of snow-white kittens last Tuesday. They had long hair and everything."
"What can I say other than he's a whore?" Gibsie confirmed with a grim nod. "He's an abusive, one-bollocked bastard on a mission to impregnate every pussy he gets his claws into – but I'm only standing over Cherub," he added with a huff. "That's it. I'll father them. I'll do the night feeds with you, Claire. I'll be there at the birth. But that's it. Yours are the only babies I'm claiming. I know nothing whatsoever about Mrs. Lovell's tabby or any other woman's pregnant pussy. That's my story and I'm sticking to it."
"You two are made for each other," Katie chuckled. "It's so adorable."
"Don't tell them that, babe," Hughie growled. "You'll give them ideas."
"But they're having babies together," Katie pointed out. "They're already committed."
"Okay, topic changer before I throw my lunch up," Lizzie interjected, feigning a gag. "What are we going to do about transition year?"
"What do you mean?" Shannon asked, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.
"They spoke about it at school last week," Lizzie explained. "They're introducing the leap year option."
"Are you fucking serious?" I demanded, feeling a sudden pang of outrage. "I begged them to let me skip fourth year, but Twomey was adamant that they weren't going to offer the gap year program at Tommen."
"Well, he clearly changed his mind because it's being offered to us," Lizzie told me. "We have the option to skip fourth year and move straight into fifth year after the summer." She looked at Shannon and Claire. "And I'm taking it, guys."
Claire frowned. "You are?"
"And endure one less year of bullshit? Of course I'm taking it," Lizzie shot back. "I'd leave right now if I had my way."
"Good choice," Feely interjected quietly, giving her a small nod.
Lizzie blushed. "I know."
"Well, I don't know what I'm doing yet," Claire announced. "I haven't even thought about it."
"You should skip," Gibsie encouraged, waggling his brows at her. "Then you're one year closer to me."
"And what good would that do me?" Claire teased.
"It'll put us ahead of schedule," he replied, not missing a beat. "It's a good omen. I can feel it in my balls."
Claire rolled her eyes. "You and your weirdness."
"And his gooch," Katie offered with a snicker.
"Always the gooch," Gibsie agreed with laugh.
"Jesus," Hughie groaned. "Enough of the gooch already –"
"Should we even be talking like this?" Feely asked then, casting a guilty look in Shannon's direction. "You know, given the circumstances –"
"Please don't stop," Shannon hurried to say. "Just keep being normal with me." Shrugging shyly, she settled into a sitting position between my legs, facing the others, and whispered, "It helps."
"You want normal?" Gibsie asked, giving her a wolfish grin. "I can do that."
"He can't," Lizzie interjected. "It's physiologically impossible for him to act like a normal human."
"Oh, and there she is; the viper," Gibsie countered in a sarcastic drawl. "Fair play, girl. You kept that poisonous tongue of yours under control for over an hour."
"Eat shit," Lizzie growled.
"I'd eat shit before I'd eat you," he shot back.
"I'm devastated," Lizzie fake gasped. "Watch me wipe my tears," she added, using her middle finger to wipe her cheek.
"Are you two ever going to get along?" Claire groaned. "Even for one day?"
"Nope," they both replied at the same time before glowering at each other.
Shannon leaned against my chest and sighed softly. "Tears, rugby, and those two fighting? This is our normal."
"Yeah." Wrapping my arms around her, I kissed her shoulder. "I guess it is."
74
Recovery
Shannon
"How did it go, Shannon, love?" Mrs. Kavanagh asked when I walked into the kitchen two weeks after the funeral and set my schoolbag down on the counter beside her.
It was the smell that always hit me first when I walked into this house. It was hard to describe, but it was like I could smell the warmth, which was ridiculous because you couldn't smell someone's kindness. But this woman? She radiated goodness. And the food… God, I couldn't keep up with the sheer amount of delicious meals and snacks on hand all day long. "Well, I'm finished third year," I told her, dragging my thoughts back to the present. "I did it."
She beamed at me. "Yes, you did."
"But I'm going to fail those exams," I croaked out, glancing at Sean, who was sitting at his own tiny table by the window, concentrating on the latest masterpiece he was painting – to join the dozen others hanging on the fridge and walls. Sookie was snoring at his feet with a streak of green paint on her head. "My junior cert? I won't pass it." I swallowed deeply and turned back to Johnny's mother. "I just…I don't want you to get your hopes up on me." I shrugged, feeling helpless. "I'm not smart like what you're used to –"
"What did I tell you about those exams?" she replied, setting a steamer filled with potatoes down on the sink and walking straight over to me. "It doesn't matter what marks you get." Cupping my face in her hands, she smiled down at me. "We won't even have to open the results when they come because they don't matter, pet. A score on a piece of paper tells me nothing, but you rising back up and returning to school to finish out the year and sit in that classroom tells everything about the wonderful, strong girl you are. And you make me prouder than any exam results could." She gave me a quick squeeze before saying, "Now, sit down and let me feed you. We'll put meat on those bones yet."
Smothering a laugh, I complied and sat down at the island, eyes widening when she set the biggest plate of bacon and cabbage I'd ever seen down in front of me. "Uh, thank you," I strangled out, wondering how in god's name I was going to eat a tenth of what was on my plate. She wasn't joking about the putting weight on my bones comment, either. I'd gained six pounds in the past month from Mrs. Kavanagh's cooking alone.
"You're more than welcome, pet," she replied, setting a plate of spuds down on the counter. "Now, where's that son of mine?"
"At The Academy." Picking up my knife and fork, I started to cut my bacon into tiny pieces. "He dropped me home first, but the coaches are pushing him pretty hard to get him prepped before he leaves for the tour. He said he'll be home before nine, but you know how it is with those trainers."
"Oh Jesus," Mrs. Kavanagh muttered. "I hate that bleeding game."
"Yeah." I knew what that felt like. Refusing to dwell on the very real fact that my boyfriend would be leaving in seven days, I shoveled a forkful of meat and veg into my mouth, chew
ing and swallowing before asking, "Where are the boys?"
"Doing their homework in the treehouse," Mrs. Kavanagh replied with a feigned sigh. "I swear, they'd live in that thing if they got their way."
"It's the first time they've ever had space that was entirely theirs," I explained with a small smile. "It's a huge novelty to them to have a place to go where no grown-ups can fit. It makes them feel safe."
"Do you feel safe?" Mrs. Kavanagh asked, taking a seat at the island. "Are you happy here, Shannon, love?"
Nodding eagerly, I swallowed a mouthful of food before responding. "Oh yes, and I'm so grateful to you, Mrs. Kavanagh – you and Mr. Kavanagh for taking us all in –"
"It's John and Edel," she corrected with a smile. "No more of that Mr. and Mrs. Kavanagh talk, do you hear me?"
"Yes, Mrs. Kavanagh – I mean, Edel," I amended, blushing. "Thank you."
"I went to see Joey this morning," she told me then. "He's looking good, love."
My eyes widened. "Did he say anything about me coming to visit?"
"He needs some more time, Shannon, pet." She smiled sadly. "He'll come around."
"Yeah." My heart sank. Joey wouldn't see me. He wouldn't see any of us – Aoife, included – since checking himself into that treatment center. I knew he needed to be there for reasons that stemmed far deeper than his addictions, but it wasn't easy not talking to him every day. "Okay."
"But he's going to be okay," she assured me. "And so are you."
"Darren called again today," I said then, cringing at the memory of my oldest brother's frantic phone call sessions. "Four times today."
Mrs. Kavanagh smiled. "He called the house, too."
"Yeah?" I arched a brow. "How many times?"
"Five," Mrs. Kavanagh chuckled.
"He needs to relax," I sighed. "A million phone calls every day isn't good for anyone."
"He's just adjusting to the change," she said, still smiling. "It's hard for him being all the way up in Belfast and not seeing you guys every day. He'll settle down eventually. He's worried about you because he loves you. He cares."