Reaching out for her hand, Nick cradled it in his and said softly, “I’m so grateful I met you, Lin. Everything in my life has changed for the better since I met you at Deacon’s Nest. You’ve been so good to me and I hope one day when you’re ready, and if you want to spend your life with me, that we can get married, raise a wonderful family, and have an amazing life together with our children. I have no doubt that we would make beautiful children and you would be a great mom. Just picturing you with our children makes my heart melt.”
Suddenly, what had been the most wonderful, peaceful, and relaxing day of Lyndsay’s life came crashing down. This was the first time they had talked of a future, and hearing that Nick wanted children sent her into a tailspin. Up until now, she had never given any thought to how her strong feelings about not wanting kids would affect him. She had been so wrapped up in his abduction and recovery that she was thinking more in the moment than the future. It was obvious now that Nick had been thinking of their future, and as humbled and overjoyed as she was knowing he wanted to share the rest of his life with her, children weren’t an option and never would be.
This was the first time this discussion was put on the table and Lyndsay didn’t know how to respond. It had been such a beautiful day together and she didn’t want to ruin it. Not knowing what else to do, she gave him the sweetest smile she could muster and as luck would have it, the man who had been packing his wine appeared and said everything was all set to go.
Driving back home, Lyndsay was quiet and she let Nick do most of the talking. She knew that after a long day, this wasn’t the time to tackle this immense issue. Feigning exhaustion when they got back to Nick’s house, she thanked him profusely for such a great idea and a fun day.
Hearing that she didn’t want to come in and spend the night made Nick’s radar go up a bit, but he just assumed she was tired. Holding her close, he kissed her tenderly, thanking her for the good time they had. But as she walked to her car, there was something about the way she returned the kiss that made Nick worry something was wrong. He hoped desperately that it was just his imagination. As he walked into his beautiful new home, he gave her one last wave and didn’t give it another thought.
Chapter Twelve
Lyndsay felt sick to her stomach as she sat behind her desk Monday morning. She had thought of nothing else the past 24 hours other than Nick wanting children. As she sat pushing her pencil around the sketch pad that she should have been working on, she was lost in her thoughts about how everything that was going so right with him had just taken a terrible turn.
Hearing movement at her office door, she looked up to see Jodi standing there staring silently at her. As Lyndsay gave her a half hearted smile, Jodi said, “Nice try, but I know you better than that. Something is very wrong, girlfriend, and we’re going out to lunch now to talk about it. Come on.” Knowing that trying to put Jodi off was like trying to stop a charging rhino, Lindsey just grabbed her purse and did what her friend said without objection.
Once they ordered at their favorite bistro located a block from the store, Jodi said without preamble, “Okay, spill it. Trouble in paradise with Mr. Hottie Pants?” Lyndsay was amused for a moment hearing Jodi calling Nick her favorite nickname. She couldn’t suppress a smile. “Now that’s the first real smile I’ve seen all day,” Jodie said. “Now talk. Give me the goods.”
Taking a big breath, Lyndsay told her about the wonderful day in Newport and about what Nick had said at the winery about a future together with kids. As Jodi watched Lyndsay’s expression while she told the story, she couldn’t fathom why Lyndsay looked so distraught.
“Oh my God!” Jodi cried. “That’s amazing! He all but proposed to you and said he wants a future with you! I thought you loved him. What the hell am I missing? This sounds like great news to me.” Jodi was so confused by her friend’s saddened face that she put her chicken salad sandwich down and just stared at her in bewilderment. When Lyndsay didn’t say anything, Jodi leaned forward and in a hissed sotto voce asked, “Tell me right now what is going on with you. This makes no sense.” Sitting back then with her arms folded across her chest, Jodi didn’t say another word and waited for Lyndsay to spill the beans.
For the next hour, Lyndsay explained how she never wanted to have children and still didn’t. She divulged that as much as she loved Nick, her love for him wouldn’t change her mind. She admitted how she understood that she was unusual in this way and knew that people wanting kids was a natural thing. She concluded, “I could hear the love and pride in his voice at the thought of having kids. I’m sure when I tell him that I don’t want children, it will be a deal breaker for us. I’m seeing our future disintegrating in front of my very eyes but that’s a life I just don’t want.”
Jodi didn’t know what to say. She had never known this about her friend. And although she tried to give it a good spin by saying perhaps Nick wouldn’t mind not having kids after all, she couldn’t convince Lyndsay of that. Truthfully, she couldn’t even convince herself. As much as Jodi was a party girl and enjoying every minute of being single, she did have goals of one day settling down and raising her own hellions.
As they paid the bill and stood up to head back to work, Jodi gave her friend a big hug and said, “You’re going to have to tell him this now, Lin. If in fact you’re right about this being a deal breaker for you both, it’s better to cut ties now before you both get even more attached.”
Nodding her head in agreement, Lyndsay concurred that she was going to have to share this with Nick as soon as possible and let the chips fall where they may, no matter how devastating. It was just the right and fair thing to do for both of them.
***
Nick could feel something was amiss with Lyndsay but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Everything had been going so well between them and he had most certainly fallen head over heels in love with her. As he thought back to the conversation at the Newport Winery, he wondered if he had scared her off at his openness about wanting a future with her. As he ran that conversation over and over through his mind, he kicked himself at perhaps going a bit too fast and scaring her.
“Damn it!” he yelled out loud in his kitchen as he struck out at the cabinet with his hand while cooking dinner. In his need to show her how much he felt about her, he chastised himself for not taking her feelings into account and it worried him deeply. He had just assumed she was every bit in love with him as he was with her, but now he was second guessing himself. He questioned whether he had been too arrogant in his assumptions. He kicked himself for not gently feeling her out on the matter before just professing his future desires. For the first time in their relationship, Nick felt insecure and uncertain about her feelings towards him.
Feeling that he owed her an apology, he picked up his phone and sent her a text message asking her out for dinner the next evening. Although he was now back at work, his schedule was light at the moment and he knew he could meet her midweek at a respectable time. When his phone beeped only a few moments later, Nick was pleased that she accepted his dinner invitation and they agreed to meet each other at a restaurant they both liked that was located between his office and Deacon’s Nest at 7 p.m. the next night. As Nick got into bed that night, he hoped that all of his worries were for naught and he pledged to himself that he would keep a good thought that it could be all his imagination.
***
When Lyndsay walked into the restaurant promptly at 7 p.m., she could see that Nick was already there and had gotten them a table. As usual, he looked gorgeous in his tailored work clothes and her heart skipped a beat just looking at him. All day long she had been running over in her mind how she was going to tell him about not wanting a family. She was certain this was probably going to be their last date together and as much as she tried to brace herself for it, she knew she would be devastated. She had fallen so much in love with this intelligent, warm hearted, loving and incredibly sexy man that she knew losing him was going to be almost as devastating as losing her m
other.
As they exchanged pleasantries and talked about their jobs over the past few days, Nick could sense a melancholy in Lyndsay and got the distinct impression that she was going to break up with him because she didn’t love him and wanted to move on.
Unable to wait any longer, Nick reached for her hand over the table and asked gently, “Lyndsay, I’m sorry if I came on too strong at the winery about the future. I know it’s early in our relationship and I didn’t take your feelings into account. I’m so sorry if I jumped the gun and pressured you in any way. I realize now that perhaps you may not have the same feelings for me as I have for you and it was insensitive of me to assume that you felt like I do. Can you forgive me?”
Hearing Nick’s words made her heart melt and once again she was blown away by his sensitivity and deep level of caring that she started to tear up. God, how she loved this man. She would follow him to the ends of the earth. She absolutely hated that she couldn’t give him what he wanted, but he had a right to know this now so he could move on and find a woman who wanted the same things he did.
As Nick searched her eyes for answers, Lyndsay knew it was time to come clean and be completely honest with him. Squeezing his hand in return, she looked him straight in the eyes and said softly, “Nick, I love you with all my heart. There’s no other man I would want a future with more than you. You have captured my heart, awakened my body, and you have reached my soul in ways nobody ever has.”
As Nick listened, he suddenly felt encouraged and was overcome with joy at the words she was saying and could tell they were genuine. For the first time in the past few days, Nick felt relieved that things were going in the right direction and that maybe his pain meds had perhaps confused his thought process.
Smiling at her, he responded, “I’m so glad you feel that way, babe. You are the most important thing in my life.”
Taking a big breath, Lyndsay continued, “There’s just one very big problem.” Searching her face for answers, Nick couldn’t fathom what the problem could be. Let alone a big problem. Completely at a loss for words, he kept his mouth shut and let her continue. “Nick, I don’t want to have children. I never have. My independence is too important to me and I don’t want to give up my freedom and be tied down. Having children is a huge sacrifice and I’m just at a point in my life now where I want to continue to grow as a person and focus on my career.”
As Nick let her words sink in, he was crestfallen, even though he tried to hide it.
For a few minutes a quiet hush fell over the table as Nick tried to process what he now understood was indeed a big problem. He had wanted kids all his life. He loved his family and wanted to continue the Olson family name and create an extended family. Looking at Lyndsay, he didn’t know what to say. He had never met a woman before who didn’t want kids, or at least admit that she didn’t. And he knew her well enough to hear in her voice that she was serious.
Lyndsay tried to further explain, “I don’t know if it has anything to do with losing my mom at such an early age or if I just don’t have that maternal instinct, but I knew when I was very young that being a mom was nothing I was interested in and nothing has changed. I’m sorry that we didn’t talk about this earlier, but I guess I thought it would have been presumptuous of me to assume that you even wanted a future with me. When you brought it up at the winery, I knew it was time to tell you.”
As the waitress set the check down on the table, Nick handed her his credit card, giving them a few minutes of distraction to think.
Finally looking back at Lyndsay he said, “I honestly don’t know what to say. I respect that you know what you want. There are a lot of people out there having kids who frankly shouldn’t be. And I know there’s pressure on some people to have kids because that’s what they think they should do. I admire that you’ve put thought into this and that you are being true to yourself and what you want from life.”
As a tear rolled down Lyndsay’s cheek, she said, “I’m so sorry, Nick. I love you so much but I would never ask you to give up having children because of me. It would never work even if you wanted to do this for me. I think that at first you might be okay with it, but in the end, I think you would end up resenting me. I couldn’t live with knowing that I was the cause of keeping you from having something that you’ve dreamed of your whole life.”
Nick had no idea what to say and felt nothing but overwhelming sadness. As they sat looking at each other, he wondered how everything that was going so right could go so wrong over the short time it takes to eat a meal. It seemed that in an instant, the future he was dreaming of and looking forward to with this beautiful woman was snapped away from him. Starting to feel anger creeping up, Nick knew he needed to get some space and work this through by himself. As they left the restaurant, he said as pleasantly as he could, “Thank you for sharing this with me, Lin. I know this was hard for you to tell me. I just need some time to think about it, okay?”
Knowing intuitively that this was the end, Lyndsay wiped away a tear and replied, “I understand, Nick. Take care.” As Lyndsay turned away and headed toward her car, Nick stood frozen to the spot watching the woman he loved walk out of his life.
***
For the week following their conversation, Lyndsay cried often and had trouble keeping her mind on her work. It seemed like everywhere she went there was a reminder of Nick, from the places they went together and the things they did together. The city wasn’t big enough for Lyndsay to get away from his memory and she was haunted every day. As each day passed and she didn’t get a text, phone call, or email from Nick, she knew it was over, even though she wanted to talk with him desperately and be back in his arms.
When she Skyped Carl the news about their breakup, she could tell he was genuinely upset for her. He really liked Nick and he was hoping that his next visit home on leave would be for their wedding. For that first week, she and Carl talked almost every night. His strength and support meant more to her than she could have ever imagined. It was almost like when they were young again when their mom died. They had helped each other grieve that loss and relied on each other for strength when one of them didn’t have it. She loved her brother dearly and she wished he was home. But being able to see his face on the computer and talk with him at length was a saving grace. Jodi had also been a wonderful support system but the bond she had with her big brother was as important to her as the air she needed to breathe.
Carl had always looked out for Lyndsay, even when she didn’t know he was. He was extremely protective of her and their father was constantly touched by the strong connection between his children. It gave him a good feeling to know that when he passed, Carl and Lyndsay would always take care of each other and be there for each other no matter the physical distance between them. His only regret was that Kathryn, his former wife, hadn’t lived to see how great their kids turned out.
As Lyndsay sat talking to Carl this particular Wednesday evening on Skype, for the first time he was able to get a smile out of her. They had been talking every night all week and she knew she could never have made it through this tough time without his loyalty, support, kindness, and love.
Giving her a big wink, Carl said sarcastically, “Well, sis, considering how ugly, fat, and devoid of personality you are, I understand how hard it will be for you to find another man. You might as well just jump off a bridge because you have so little to offer.”
Lyndsay couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Carl always had a way of helping her keep things in perspective. And although she wasn’t vain in any way, it was just good to hear someone she loved remind her that she did have a lot to offer. Teasing him back she said, “Well, now that you’re starting to be a smart ass, it’s time we say goodbye for the evening. I pity your new girlfriend. You can give her my number if she needs consolation for having to put up with you!”
As Carl smiled back, happy that he had made her laugh for the first time in a week, he said, “If there’s one thing I know about you, Lin, it’
s that you’re strong. You’re going to get through this just fine. You’re a fighter. Good things are going to come your way and I would bet my life on it. I love you. Hang in there and I’ll talk to you this weekend.”
Saying goodbye, she logged off the computer feeling better for having talked with him and looking forward to giving him an update when they spoke again.
The next day at work, Lyndsay tried to keep his positive words and perspective in mind. He was such a bright guy and she was proud that he was her brother. Still, her heart ached every moment and the job she loved so dearly did little to push away the sadness that was eating at her.
Jodi could see her friend was in a really dark place and it frustrated her that she couldn’t do anything more than just be there to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on. She had always thought that Lyndsay and Nick made a great couple, but this was certainly something she never saw coming and recognized the magnitude of it. It was such a sad situation and she knew Nick was probably reeling from it as well. Just a little before 7 p.m. when the store was about to close, Jodi did a double take when she glanced out the store windows and saw who was waiting out on the sidewalk in front of the store. What the heck is he doing here just standing out there? she thought. It seemed very odd and she wondered why he didn’t just come into the store. The doors were still unlocked and he knew where Lyndsay’s office was. Feeling that something was off, Jodi walked back to find Lyndsay to tell her that her dad was waiting outside.
Lyndsay smiled instantly and knew he was probably there to surprise her and take her out to dinner. Her dad always did little things like that “just because” and his timing couldn’t have been better. She could definitely use some cheering up and her dad always knew how to get her to laugh. Grabbing her bag, she told Jodi that he probably didn’t want to come in and interrupt her. As the women said goodnight to each other, Jodi watched her friend exit the front door with a bit of a skip to her step.
Legally Tied Page 10