by J Grayland
After what seemed like an endless silence he spoke.“Look, I have no idea what’s happening between us but I do know that it’s driving me to the doors of insanity.” Looking over at him I can see his hold tightening on the steering wheel, his eyes shift to glance at me briefly before looking back at the road. “What, you have nothing to say now?” he bites out sarcastically.
“There’s nothing to say,” I tell him.
“Oh fuck, yeah baby, there is plenty to say so don’t clam up on me now.” His words come out so sharply that I actually feel them sting and prickle at my skin.
“Look, just drop me off and go back to your redhead, I’m sorry I ruined your plans for the night.”
Pulling to a stop at the traffic lights he swung his head to look at me. “Is that what this is all about? Jealousy? Why I feel so flattered Doc,” he smiles placing a hand over his heart.
“Keep dreaming Nate,” I say, then splaying his hands out in front of him he says with an unabashed smirk on his lips, “What can I say, a man cannot live on bread alone sweetheart and you have made it quite clear that you don’t want any part of me.” Looking down at my hands now twisting together in my lap I feel the heat rising into my cheeks. I glance up quickly to his face, then back down at my now knotted fingers, and I almost whisper the words to him.
“I didn’t say I don’t want you …. I said I can’t.” I hear his sharp intake of breath and I look up into the burning heat of his stare just for a brief second before his concentration turns back to the road, then into the underground parking area under the Penthouse. Stopping briefly to punch in his security code, he drives down and pulls the SUV into his reserved parking space. Jumping out as soon as he turns the engine off and heading towards the lifts, I hear the click of the lock on the SUV and within seconds he is behind me. When the doors open he almost pushes me inside and against the back wall, his body hard and warm against mine. Leaning his head down so he is eye to eye with me, he speaks one word “Explain?” Looking away from his face, I try to squirm my body away from his imprisonment but he doesn’t budge. With both of us breathing heavily from the struggle, we just stay in that position staring at each other until the ding and the sound of the elevator doors opening breaks the contact and he takes a step back giving me room to slip from under him and into the foyer of the Penthouse. As I start to move towards the stairs he almost shouts “NO! Do not run away from me Casey.” Turning, I look at him, “Look I’m tired and my head is fuzzy from the alcohol, just leave it, okay?” I say as I continue up the stairs and into my room. Tossing my purse on the bedside table and slipping off these painful heels, I flop down onto the bed.
Closing my eyes against the dizzying effects of too much alcohol that seems to be kicking in hard right now. I put my arm over my eyes and curse myself for saying what I said to him. It was stupid. True but still stupid. Yes I do feel something for him and the chemistry between us is palpable, but I am lost, I have no idea how to have a relationship with anyone never mind being intimate with anyone, so how the hell do I do this with him? I just can’t.
While I am contemplating getting up and undressed and into bed, I hear him coming up the stairs and walking down the hall. Moving my arm, I glance at my doorway and he is standing, arms folded, leaning against the opening. He’s taken off his jacket and his button-down silk shirt sleeves are now rolled halfway up his forearms, letting little pieces of his ink peek out. Clearing his throat, he says, “Do you think that maybe we should talk? You know like real humans, no arguments or tension or judgments, just two people getting to know each other.” Letting out a deep sigh, I move myself up the bed and tuck a pillow under my head, leaning against the bed head. I nod for him to sit on the bed. Unfolding his arms, he also pulls a pillow up against the bed head and mimics my position. His arm brushes against mine and I quickly move it away. He’s next to me, in my bed and he’s close, so close I can feel the heat emanating from his body. Sensing my apprehension at his closeness, he moves to widen the gap between us, which makes me feel like I can breathe a little more easily, and I am glad when he breaks the somewhat awkward silence in the room by speaking. “So… what you said in the car, can you elaborate more on that statement?” My brain is struggling with how to tell him my thoughts, my feelings, without delving too far back into my past and I’m not sure where to start and when I don’t answer him he speaks again. “Okay, let’s start with something easier. Do you feel the chemistry between us?”
“Yes,” I answer, my voice barely a whisper. But I am determined to answer his questions.
“Are you afraid of something?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“Of me?”
“Yes…no, not of you, I don’t know what of exactly, the intimacy I guess.”
“As in…. sexual intimacy?” he asks, his voice now dropping a little and I hear the concern in it.
“Yes.”
“Okay, so have you had any long-term sexual relationships?”
“No”
“Never?” his voice rising with what now sounds like shock.
“No, never.”
“No boyfriends, no lovers in the past?” he says slowly.
“No.” Rolling onto my side so I can see his face, watching as he rubs his fingertips back and forth over his lips I say. “And before you ask, no I’m not a virgin, I have had sex before, it was just not… normal, and something I would rather forget…” My words trail off and I watch his face change, harden, and the little nerve in his jaw starts to twitch again until he says in a low, controlled voice “Did someone hurt you?”
Not sure how to answer that question, I just go with “I would just like to leave it at that okay?” he closes his eyes for a brief moment then gives me a nod, then he turns on his side, so we are face to face. He is breathing harder now and he slowly lifts his hand up to my face and strokes his thumb over my cheek.
“How long ?” he asks. I turn my face away from him and his voice gets lower as he asks again “How long?”
“About twelve years,” I breathed out.
“Shit!” he curses under his breath and with his thumb still gently caressing along my jawline. He tilts my face up to look at him. “You know I would never hurt you, don’t you?” Closing my eyes and leaning my face into the touch of his hand, I nod, “but you need to talk to me, you need to tell me what you want, and what you need from me okay? Let me know what’s happening in that stubborn, argumentative head of yours.” He grins when I smile. “There’s no hurry baby, we can take all the time you need. I want you to feel comfortable with me okay?” Nodding again, I feel his hand slide down my arm to my waist and move me closer to him, his other arm slipping behind my head so I am now tucked against his body and wrapped in his arms. laying my arm across his stomach, I breathe him in, he’s warm and inviting, he smells of clean linen and spice, and it feels so calming, peaceful and… safe. My eyelids feel so heavy and I can feel them starting to close. I am drifting into serenity, and into the darkness of sleep.
Darkness, my body shivers when a cool breeze brushes over my naked body. I hear footsteps, then a click of the lock and a door open. Pulling my legs up close to my body I hug them against me and sink into the corner and close my eyes as tight as I can, My head is telling me that if I squeeze my eyes closed hard enough I can disappear into the wall. It’s silent, but I know he’s there, I can hear him breathing and I can smell his pungent body odor more than I can smell my own. Then I feel a sting against my leg as I am hit with something that feels thin like a cane, maybe, and I flinch away from it. “Wake up slut” thwack!, another sting and I let out a small moan. When a small overhead light is turned on, I try to shield my now open eyes from the harsh glare, and the bindings on my wrists burn with my sudden jerky movement.“I see you managed to remove the cover from your eyes again when I told you not to.” he snarls.“Stand up,” he barks at me and I struggle to do as he says, pulling myself up on thin wobbly legs where he slams my body against the wall with his arm pressed across my
throat.“You are a useless slut and you know that you will have to be punished now don’t you?” he says as he presses harder against my throat. I can feel my breathing getting shallower from the lack of oxygen. His face is close to mine, his putrid breath turns my stomach. “But you like being punished don’t you?” I nod in agreement. I know what I need to do, agree and don’t fight if I struggle his punishment is much more painful.
I wake with a gasp and a jolt of my body, my eyes opening quickly. I try to focus on where I am then I feel a large hand spread against my stomach, a cold wave of fear spreads through my body until I feel warm breath against the side of my neck and a deep, soothing voice. “Shhh! Baby, I’m here, it’s okay you’re safe.” He pulls me closer to him and gently kisses my temple and I am quickly orientated to where I am and start to relax back into his hard body behind me. We are both still wearing the same clothes that we wore out to the club last night so, I am guessing that we fell asleep on my bed while we were talking. l feel his warm rhythmic breathing against the back of my neck, and it brings me back exactly to where I am. I sigh and it feels….good, and strange, it’s a feeling I’m not used to, never had before. I’ve always been guarded and cautious, always looked at everyone as a potential threat, and yet here I lay with this typical alpha male with his strong and dominant personality who could really hurt me, and yet I feel so safe. I have no butterflies doing somersaults in my stomach, or nausea, or any signs of panic; no feelings of restraint or control; just an overwhelming feeling of peacefulness that feels wonderful and inexplicable. I am resolved and determined to try my hardest to let this man into my life, which will be difficult without telling him everything. I just need more time before I open up that vault. I need…I need…fuck, I have no idea what I need right now but this is a start.
Chapter Twenty-four
Nate
Waking early, before the sun had even risen was a habit I’d acquired from being in the military for so many years and normally it didn’t bother me but this morning I wanted to stay exactly where I was. It had taken me so long just to get this far with her that I didn’t want to let her go and she felt so damn good tightly pressed against me. After she woke suddenly earlier, with what I presumed was a bad dream, she had turned around and she now had her head against my chest and I had an arm around her back. Looking down at her now peacefully sleeping, I am in awe, taking in every inch of her beauty from her long eyelashes that are fanned out against her creamy soft skin to her moist luscious lips that are slightly parted, her elegant neck and her soft blonde hair that tumbles across my arm and onto the pillow. I watch as her eyebrows pull together and I gently stroke a finger across them whispering “Shhh” until they relax.
I need to know all of her. She has stirred emotions in me that I have never felt before, and I want to give her….. everything. Besides my country and my family, I have never wanted to fight so hard for anything before, especially a woman’s attention. I have never even entertained the idea of being in any kind of relationship, it’s just not me, but she…brings me to my knees. Sure I admit to start off with it was all about getting her in my bed and the allure of her body. That dammed sexy accent and the stubbornness and spirit of the woman just drove me out of my mind. Damn, I’m turning into a goddamn pussy thinking about relationships and shit, what is she doing to me?.
I don’t want to wake her but the temptation of that creamy skin is too much and I gently slide my fingers down her arm to where her hand is resting against my abdomen. Gently tracing her fingers right down to those perfect nails, she breathes out a low moan and moves her head against my chest. Looking down at her, I watch as those beautiful eyes open and sleepily look up at me. I lift my hand up and my fingers stroke a lock of hair away from her face, letting my thumb gently brush over the lobe of her ear, then I stroke down under her chin, tilting it upwards slightly. Her sparkling blue eyes stare straight into mine, and in that swirl of blue and sapphire I can see the trepidation she has, and I want to take it all away, every ounce of fear she has. I intend to absorb all her pain, I want her to trust me. As I lean down to take her mouth with mine, her eyes close and she tilts her head up more. That first touch is slow and soft until I feel the warm tip of her tongue touch my bottom lip and her opening up to the invasion of my tongue caressing hers. We are both lost in this intimacy. Moving down and pulling her into my body, I need her closer. With one hand at the nape of her neck and the other holding onto her hip, I dive deeper into the kiss and when she moans into my mouth heat runs down to my groin and it throbs with passion. I feel her hand slip around my torso and slide up my back and that ignites more heat through my body. Moving my hand from her hip and sliding it down to the hem of her dress I move the material up until I feel the lacey top of her stockings. “Sweet Jesus.” I breathe into her mouth, letting my fingers caress the top of the stockings then following the clip of the garter belt up to the junction of her thighs I feel the soft silkiness of her panties and they are so moist against my fingertips. She moans again at my touch and my body is starting to slowly combust inside, she feels so good, and I start to pull her dress further up her body. I want this mother fucking thing off now. I need to feel skin against skin, but as I get the dress, up to her waist she breaks the kiss and grabs the dress halting its ascent. Looking at her confused. “What’s wrong baby?.”
She looks away for a moment then down at her dress “I… have….scars” she says in a low whisper. I lean my head down so we are now eye to eye and try and rein in the instant anger I feel at the thought of her being hurt by something or someone. In a low calm voice, I say “Show me.” After a few moments hesitation, she pulls the dress up and over her head and lays back down on the bed turning her head to face away from me. Turning on the bedside lamp, my eyes drift back to her almost naked body and I see first some tiny white scars across the top of her breasts. When I touch them with my fingertips she inhales a sharp breath but still keeps her head turned away from me. Slowly I let my fingers run down to her ribs where there are several short scars in a perfect line and as I move to her stomach there are more marks, some straight like they were made with a sharp razor, and some jagged, and then there are a few that are perfect circles and look like old burns, like they were made from a lit cigarette being pressed into the skin. Gently I touch every mark and that burning heat that was once in my groin has moved up into my chest and has turned from lust to pure anger. This is not from some kind of accident, these marks were deliberately made, and that thought is now causing a throbbing pain deep in my chest. My voice still calm, I tell her “look at me.” Slowly her head turns and the eyes that were full of passion a few minutes ago are now brimming with tears. “Who….who did this?” I asked motioning to the marks on her beautiful body. Sitting up, her head bowed, she reaches down to grab the sheet and pulls it up in an attempt to cover herself, until I stop her. “No! don’t.” Lifting her face to look at me, a tear runs down her cheek and I collect it with a brush of my thumb. “You don’t ever have to hide from me. You may see scars but I see perfection. You. Are. Stunning and you. Are. Mine”.
Her moist eyes looking at me tear something inside, and I pull her into my arms again, our mouths crashing against each other with a passion, every nip and bite igniting us both, and I feel her fingers slide down the front of my shirt and open the buttons. Then I feel her hands working it down and over my shoulders, her hands moving over my arms first then down my chest. I lean back against the bed head and lift her to straddle me. I need her to have complete control of what’s happening. I want her to have all the power to do whatever she wants, and fuck that thought makes me even harder. Our mouths still hungry and joined together, I feel her slowly grinding against me, then suddenly she breaks the connection and moves back slightly. Before I can question her, she reaches behind her back and unclips her bra. I let my hands slide up the soft skin of her arms and move the silky material from her shoulders until it drops and she is bare in front of me. Her breasts are perfect, creamy mounds of plump so
ftness. I pull her closer so I can pull one of them into my mouth. Her hands run through my hair, alternating between pulling and smoothing, as I draw a soft pink nipple into my mouth and suck hard. She pushes harder against my mouth and the moan she lets out sounds so fucking good. She moves one of her hands down my shoulder, across my ribs, down my stomach until she reaches the bulge pressing against the front of my jeans and she stops and looks at me, her eyes wide, her mouth slightly parted and panting and I see a flash of concern cross her face. “What is it” I almost pant.
“You know some of my sexual history, Nate…. I’ve only ever experienced pain and it’s been a very long time.” She says hesitantly.
“It’s ok baby, we don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Shit, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have let it go this far this soon.” I run a hand through my hair but before I can say anything else, she presses a finger against my lips, stopping me.
“No, it’s not that, it’s just… I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never wanted more before, but I’m a little scared of…”
“Of what baby?” I asked running my fingers over her cheek.
“Of not knowing what to do, to feel…. of this,” she said stroking her hand across the rock hard erection in my pants.
I let out a low chuckle. “You’re scared of my dick?”.
“It’s not funny Nate, look at the size of it?”
“Come here, baby.” I pull her back into my chest. “Listen, first I guarantee it will fit and second, you do what you feel, this isn’t a case of pass or fail honey just trust me, and trust yourself okay?” She nods, then strokes a hand through my hair. “Now give me your mouth, I need to taste it some more. I haven’t had my fill yet.” Grinning she presses her mouth against mine and in an instant that passion and heat from before is quickly re-ignited and her heat engulfs me. Slipping my hand down to the front of her panties, I run a finger over the silk that is now soaking wet, moving my hand to the small strap of silk at the side of her panties I roll it around my fingers and with a quick tug it snaps and the panties are gone. Now I feel her wetness against my fingers as I gently run them through her folds, she is so slick and hot and I can’t stand it anymore, I have to be inside her. Without breaking our kiss, I gently flip her onto her back and I feel her undo my belt, then my zipper, and then her warm hand slips into my boxers and her fingers wrap around my hardened length .“Fuck,” I exhale, “give me a minute babe you’re killing me here.” Getting up from the bed I shed my jeans and boxers. then cross the hall into my own room and grab a condom from my bedside table. Returning to where she lays naked sprawled across the bed, her body flushed with desire and wanting. Ripping open the condom packet I slip it over my length. Kneeling on the bed I nudged open her legs with my knee and cover her body with mine. Reaching down I slowly guide my hard shaft into her warm waiting body, pushing in inch by inch, looking down at her languid face, her eyes open wider and stare into mine, and I can see the apprehension and fear starting to gather in them. Stopping my intrusion into her body, I lean my head down close to her ear and whisper, “It’s ok baby just relax and open for me.” I feel her legs open wider and her sex relaxes around me and I continue to slowly bury myself deep inside her until I am fully sheathed in her warmth, and with great restraint I still my movements. She is so god damn tight, I need to give her time to adjust to my size. I take little nibbles against her throat and up to her jaw, licking and softly biting. Moaning at my open mouth kisses over her neck and shoulder, she starts to move under me, her hands running over my back. “You ok baby?” I pant into her neck. “Yes,” she hisses out, “more” and with her plea, I give her what she wants and I start to move in and out of her hot, wet, tight body, slow at first but the more she moans the deeper and harder I drive into her. Feeling her legs wrap around my waist makes her hips tilt up more taking me in deeper than I ever thought possible, and I am lost in her.