by Erin Noelle
I continued to look into his eyes, mesmerized by not only his voice but the sweet words that flowed from his lips. I didn’t say a word… I couldn’t. I was stunned silent. Ash then led us over to his bed and we climbed onto it, sitting crossed leg facing one another. He reclaimed my hands in his once we were settled and he continued talking.
“I’ve been thinking about this all night,” he admitted. “And no matter how fascinating I find you, how much I would love to touch you and kiss you…” I inhaled sharply and my body stiffened as his words triggered thoughts of his hands and mouth exploring every part of my body.
“I can’t,” he choked. My body slouched in disappointment and I exhaled louder than I expected. “Scarlett, you really do need to experience the normal life of a young adult. Nothing about that has changed. You need this period of transformation to learn about who you are, what you want. I told you that already. As much as I hate to even think about it, you need to date guys and party and act a little crazy.” Ash paused and looked as if he was trying to pull together the right words to express what he wanted to say next. “The attraction, the connection, I feel towards you is so strong, it scares me. I’m afraid if we were involved sexually, if I had a taste of that sweet innocence, I would completely consume you… and that wouldn’t be healthy for either of us. You need this time for yourself.
“So the only other option is for us to try to be friends,” he concluded.
I pulled back from him a bit and raised my eyebrows in disbelief. “Friends, huh? You really think we can just be friends?”
“I know that it’s going to be hard… really hard if I have to hang around you wearing clothes like this.” Ash looked down at my gray and white striped camisole and grey boy shorts in an approving manner and a devilish grin spread across his face, setting my stomach butterflies fluttering wildly again. “But I’d rather learn to control my sexual desires around you than not have you in my life at all.”
He gave me his best puppy dog eyes and asked, “So what do you say? Can we at least try this friends thing? I don’t know where it will lead… you may find out that I drive you absolutely insane and want nothing to do with me ever again,” he teased, lightening the conversation.
“Okay,” I agreed. “We can try.” Even though I longed to be much more than Ash’s friend, I thought about what Evie had said in the car. “If there truly is some undeniable attraction between the two of you, then you guys will end up together with a magical, fairytale, happily-ever-after. But you know as well as I do that it takes a bunch of other bullshit in between to get that point - a bunch of unnecessary angst, some preventable misunderstandings, and you both need to make some ill-advised and senseless decisions. So right now, I think you should just let everything happen and stop over thinking all of it…” She was right, and I decided to let everything happen as it may. Ash and I were going to be friends… it should be a learning experience, if nothing else.
“Thank you for giving this a shot. I hope I don’t fuck it up,” he said.“I really don’t have any female friends other than Jess and Meg. I’ve known Jess from grade school, she’s like my sister - no matter how much I piss her off, she can’t ever get rid of me. And then Meg, well, it wasn’t like there was any option what type of relationship we were going to have.” I chuckled at the thought of Ash trying to hit on Meg.
“Well, you’ll be my first guy friend, so hopefully I don’t mess it up either.” I smiled up at him. I knew that I was playing with fire spending time with Ash, but I tried to convince myself that as long as I stayed on the outside, far enough away the flames, I wouldn’t get burned. As long as our relationship didn’t turn sexual, I couldn’t get too attached, therefore, I couldn’t get too hurt. Yeah right, who was I kidding?
Chapter 13
Ash and I spent the rest of the night, or early hours of the morning rather, sitting in his bed, talking and getting to know one another. Even though Dylan and I had shared a similar conversation about our pasts, present, and futures, it seemed so much more personal with Ash, perhaps it was the intimacy of looking in each other’s faces and seeing the emotion that accompanied each story or memory that made it feel that way. After we did a quick rundown of our families and our childhoods, we started talking about where we were going in life, our goals and ambitions. Of course since I had only claimed my self-independence a week and a half prior, I had no idea what I truly wanted or desired. The only thing I was sure of was that it wasn’t going to be pre-law. I was surprised to say the least to learn Ash was a Physics major and a Philosophy minor. First, he didn’t strike me the type to be interested in either Physics or Philosophy, I had assumed more something to do with music or art or history. Second, who the hell studies both physics and philosophy? To me, they seemed to be so different from one another; I couldn’t imagine a career that incorporated both fields of study. When I told Ash how weird I thought his choices were, he explained it as if it made perfect sense.
“It’s the fact that they are so different, that makes it work for me - it’s like they balance me. Physics is the study of reality. It’s matter and motion and energy… and all of the natural laws that explain why the universe behaves the way it does. It’s all physical, no pun intended. Philosophy, on the other hand, is the study of belief and reason. It tries to understand and explain the meaning of why things happen. It’s all mental.
“In Ancient Greece, to study one was to study the other, especially pre-Socrates. The men who combined these two disciplines were called physiologoi, or natural philosophers. Physics is the what and philosophy is the why, and it’s the combination of the two that fuel my love for astrophysics.”
“Astrophysics?” I asked incredulously, wrinkling my nose. “Are you some kind of closet genius or something?”
He threw his head back in laughter and shook it from side to side. He looked downright edible at that moment and I had to restrain myself from leaning towards him and licking his neck. Friends… I reminded myself. Ugghhh… I needed a session with BOB as soon as we got home.
“No, no genius here,” his playful voice broke me from my inappropriate daydream. “I’ve just always been obsessed with stars and planets and space in general. Where my sister lives in California, you can see thousands upon thousands of stars almost every night - it’s spectacular. I used to spend a month every summer with her and with not much to entertain me, I started reading books to learn everything I could about them. I seriously became infatuated with everything astronomy related.” Ash gave me a funny look and tilted his head slightly, but continued, “And now it’s what I hope to do for a career, but it’s a very tough field to get into. More than likely, if I’m lucky, I will get hired on as a research assistant for some project and just hope to learn as much as I can and move my way up.”
“Why the funny look?” I questioned curiously.
“I don’t know. I’ve never talked about my stars with anyone else before. I know most people could really give two shits about the ball of gasses that just seem to hang out in the night’s sky.” I loved the way he called them his stars, showing his passion and possessiveness.
For the first time since I had met him, Ash had a look of vulnerability on his face. I could tell talking about this aspect of his life made him uncomfortable and I wondered why. Running through possible explanations in my head, my best guess was that his parents didn’t approve of his career choice.
“I think it’s fascinating and anytime you want to ramble on to me about your celestial girlfriends, I would love to learn more about them.” I teased.
“Okay, well don’t say I didn’t you warn you the next time I spend an hour explaining to you about how interesting plotting the movement of a meteor is okay?” His dimpled smile was warm and inviting, and again I had to refrain from touching or kissing him.
I quickly changed the subject, hoping to deter my non-friendlike thoughts. “Why do you call me Butterfly even though you know I hate nicknames?”
“Well, first, I could give
two shits if you like my nickname for you or not.” He teased with a big goofy grin. But then Ash’s smile turned more heartfelt as his aquatic eyes looked sincerely into mine. “There could not be a better portrayal of you, Scarlett, than a butterfly. Butterflies symbolize various things across different cultures; however, the most common association is that of metamorphosis, or a time of transformation and change. Scarlett, you know better than anyone and like we’ve talked about, this is your time of metamorphosis. You are finally breaking free of that tight chrysalis that your parents had you so tightly wrapped in and spreading your wings to fly. I know it sounds so cliché, but in your case, it could not be more true.
“Other symbolic meanings for the butterfly include beauty, tenderness, appreciation, tranquility, and peace. All of these are words that describe you and the aura that surrounds you.” Was this guy for real? Friends, huh?
“Wow, that was kind of deep,” was the first thing I could come up with to say. Then I pulled myself together from the semi-melted state his intoxicating voice had left me in and I continued, “I am very impressed by your expansive knowledge of butterfly symbolism. You have been one surprise after another tonight, Mr. Walker.”
“Is that so, Miss MacGregor? I hope they have all been pleasant surprises.” He over exaggerated an eyebrow waggle and I hit him in his arm to stop, but my laughter just encouraged him more.
“So what was that other name you called me last weekend?” I asked breaking up our game of making funny faces at each other. Ash gave me a questioning look as if he really didn’t know what I was referring to.
“Psyche or something like that?” I offered hoping he would know what I was talking about and immediately, he broke our gaze and looked down at our hands, still clasped together between us. He was blushing and I loved it - for once I had either embarrassed him or at least made him uncomfortable.
“I didn’t remember saying that out loud,” he confessed and then stood silently.
“Sooo… are you going to tell me now? Or am I going to have to tickle it out of you?” I tried to joke in hopes it would relieve his uneasiness a bit.
He took a deep breath and began. “I know this is going to sound unbelievable cheesy…”
“Oh, come on… I’m a girl, I like cheesy,” I assured him.
“Okay, the story of Eros and Psyche is a Greek myth that carried over to the Roman mythology as well, where it was told as Cupid and Psyche; some people claim it’s the world’s first fairy tale. It’s actually one of my favorite of all the myths. You should look it up and read it sometime, I think you would enjoy it. It’s a tale of undying eternal love and the many hurdles and obstacles that Eros and Psyche had to overcome to find their happily ever after.” He returned his eyes to mine and I was completely spellbound. He continued, “Psyche is the term the Greeks use for butterflies, but the name Psyche in Greek literally means soul. Thus the butterfly, based on this epic love story, is commonly used to depict the immortality of the human soul.
“Psyche is often portrayed in drawings and sculptures as beautiful human girl with butterfly wings. So obviously…” The crimson color darkened in his cheeks again, “when I first thought of how similar you are to a butterfly, both physically and emotionally, I envisioned you as Psyche.” His eyes dropped to his lap and a small embarrassed smile played on his full lips.
Dumbfounded by the entire conversation, the only thing that came to my head to say was, “Well, obviously.”
Ash lifted his eyes back to mine and the small embarrassed smile turned into a wide mischievous grin. “Are you making fun of me?”
I shook my head no but as he quickly moved from his sitting position on the bed up unto his knees, I knew I was in trouble. Seconds later, it was like a replay of the last time I was on Ash’s bed and I was pinned on my back as he tickled me relentlessly.
“You know, either you are making fun of me or you’re lying about not doing it… either way, you’re in big trouble and need to be punished.” His words were playful and lighthearted, but when he said the word punished, my body stiffened as images of handcuffs and riding crops fluttered through my head. I really needed to have sex… soon. I tried to recover quickly, hoping he didn’t notice my reaction, but I wasn’t so lucky.
He stopped tickling me and his voice softened, “I’m sorry if I said something that upset you.” I was still lying flat on my back and he still had both of my hands pinned above my head with one of his. His face hovered over mine and he looked into my eyes for answers. “Did your parents used to hit you?” His voice was soft and his eyes were filled with genuine concern.
“What?” I looked at him as if he had grown a second head. Where in the world did that come from? “Uh, no. They’ve actually never hit me in my life, spanking or otherwise. Why did you ask me that?”
“Well, when I said something about you being punished you froze like you were scared or something… I don’t know, I just thought since your parents are all controlling and shit…”
Now it was my turn to be mortified. I wasn’t quite sure how to explain why I reacted that way, or if I even should. There he was concerned that I had been abused as a child while I was fantasizing about a hidden red room of pain.
“Why are you blushing?” Ash asked, his face turned curious. “What is it?”
“It’s nothing. Can we just drop it?” I pleaded. But of course he wouldn’t let it go. After continuous badgering, I finally admitted, “Look, when you said you would punish me, the image of you spanking me ran through my head and I…” I stopped talking when he released my hands and rolled away from me on the bed.
Ash faced the opposite direction so that I was staring at his bare back as his legs swung down to the floor. “You can’t say things like that Scarlett,” he whispered in a raspy voice. “It’s hard enough as it is to be around you and not touch you.”
“I know. I’m sorry. But the next time I don’t want to tell you something, don’t force me to. I don’t want to lie to you.” I replied. He just continued to sit there facing away from me so I moved to get off the bed. “I just need to get laid soon,” I mumbled to myself under my breath. Ash shot off the bed and around the room to where he was standing directly in front of me.
“What did you just say?” He growled in a low voice. He leaned in towards me so that his face was close to mine. His eyes were an angry dark ocean blue. Why in the world was he so mad?
Pissed off by his angry tone, I repeated what I said in my best bitchy voice. “I said that I need to get laid. Not that it’s any of your business.” Ash closed his eyes and pressed his lips together as if he was keeping himself from saying something we would regret.
“Scarlett,” he began. “You’re right, this isn’t any of my business. But as your friend, I would like to give you some advice. You can take it or leave it, either way we are still friends, okay?” I nodded at him.
“Please don’t just sleep with any guy that you meet. At least make it special, you know, at least have feelings for him…” Ash put his finger under my chin and lifted my face to his. “Can you do that for me, butterfly?” Even though his touch and his words made me feel like putty inside, I knew that I could not fall under his spell again. I wasn’t going to set myself up to feel hurt every Sunday morning.
“I’m not making any promises in the event of any crazy drunken nights, but I’ll try real hard not to while sober,” I said half-joking and in an attempt to lighten the mood. “And can we please change the subject?”
“Actually, its 4:30 in the morning and we need to get some sleep.” He grinned down at me obviously wanting to move past the awkward moment as well. However, instead of sleeping in his bed and risking another lecture by Evie, I told him that I was going to sneak back into Jess’ bed and hope neither of them missed me being gone. He appeared to be a bit disappointed at first, which of course made me silently happy, but we both knew that it was best that we didn’t lie down together.
He pulled me into a big hug and held me close for quit
e some time. I tried so hard not to think about ripping his clothes off and exploring each and every inch of his body. Being pressed against his hard chest, engulfed in his heavenly man scent, and having his arms wrapped around my waist was nearly my undoing. He kissed the top of my head tenderly and whispered ever so softly, “Good night sweet Psyche, my beautiful butterfly.”
“Good night, Ash.” I had never felt so happy.
Chapter 14
As soon as we got in Evie’s car the following morning, I knew something was off. I could feel her anxiety, but I had no idea what had her so worked up. She had seemed fine inside the house.
“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong or are you just going to huff and puff in misery alone over there?” I asked her. “Is it something with Anthony?”
“Anthony? Uh no… there’s nothing with him one way or another. He was for the contest purposes only, so not my type.” Evie scrunched her nose like something smelled bad.
“You’re so bad, you had that poor boy following you around like a puppy last night.”
Evie shrugged her shoulders, “Which is exactly why he didn’t do it for me… Anyways, that’s not it.