But the moment I got on the road the following morning, everything came sharply back into focus like pinpricks against my skin. What if we’d been found out or Fish had walked in on us? I’d been distracted by the thought ever since, teetering on the edge of just confessing it all to somebody—Smoke or Vaughn or even Jonas.
I couldn’t rid myself of those visceral feelings for Sawyer no matter how hard I tried, and distance wasn’t making it any easier. Truth was, once I got my hooks into somebody, that was it for me. So maybe it wasn’t because Sawyer was a man and more that he was the kind of person that made me yearn for a different sort of life.
The fact that I was the president of the Disciples was an obstacle—but only because Sawyer was a dude. He wasn’t from a rival club, yet something told me this very fact could make it so—or cause me to lose my own standing. And that very thought was what kept me at bay. I didn’t want to fuck anything up, most of all for Sawyer. And no matter how good, how right it felt being with him—he had been through enough.
The Scorpions’ clubhouse was located in the industrial part of the city, which was a stark difference from our location in the woods. Theirs had an almost airy, contemporary feel and though I didn’t enjoy being out here as much as our own digs, it was a nice change of scenery for my men and me.
Fish still kept a couple of guys on security detail near the entrance, not wanting to let his guard down after the ordeal he and his club had been through with the Asylum. It was a smart decision and once we were allowed through the gate, we parked in the lot near the warehouse, greeted by a couple of recruits catching a smoke outside.
Stepping through the door to the main room, I immediately noticed the celebratory vibe. The piped-in classic rock music and the clanging of a cue ball as it bounced against the side pocket at the pool table. Most men were seated but a few were grabbing slices of pizza and beers from a cooler in the back of the room next to a makeshift poker table. As my gaze scanned the space, I had no trouble spotting Sawyer sitting beside two other Scorpions on the couch involved in some racing game on the PlayStation.
When our eyes met and held, the corner of his lip lifted into a small smile and relief surged through my chest. Along with yearning. He wore a tight-fitting black T-shirt that showed off his colorful sleeve of tattoos and he’d swapped out his nose ring for a silver stud. Fuck, he just did something to me. It was as if everything else in the room fuzzed around the edges and all I could see was the curve of his lips and the scruff on his chin.
When Fish clapped me on the back, I quickly pulled my head out of my ass. I made my way around the room, asking Zeke about his new baby, and doing my best to remember most of the new recruits’ names as I felt Sawyer’s gaze on me. After we ate some slices of pizza and were handed cold beers from the cooler, I got suckered into a poker game, losing twenty bucks by the third round. Jonas cracked up as he watched from behind my chair and took my place at the table as I walked toward the restroom near a broken-up game of billiards.
After I took a leak, I noticed Sawyer had joined a game of pool with three other Scorpions. They had placed bets, so I stood watching for a bit beside Felix, who had put some money down as well. I attempted not to stare at Sawyer’s firm ass as he bent over the table. Shooting the cue ball to break up the set, he immediately called stripes.
Once their game was over and Sawyer collected his dollar bills, he passed the cue stick to Felix as he and a few other men threw out wagers to begin their game. He stood beside me and I pretended to be interested in the matchup, but there was an electric current buzzing between us I could scarcely ignore.
Wanting desperately to speak to him, I began with something innocuous. “Need to bring my bike in for service sometime next week. Heard you guys have been slammed, though.”
“What’s wrong with it?” he asked, his eyes searching out the window to the parking lot as if he could spot my bike from that vantage point.
I shrugged. “She runs rough when I first crank her up.”
“Wanna show me?” he asked while stealing a quick sidelong glance.
Thank fuck. Maybe he wanted to get me alone as well.
“Uh, sure.” I followed him outside, passing Zeke on the way. “He wants to hear how my bike is running.” My cheeks heated and I felt ridiculous explaining myself to him as if we were doing something wrong. Christ.
There were a couple of different guys taking smoke breaks near the door, and we waved as I led him down the row to my bike. After he sat down on her, he jutted out his hand for the keys. I had already dug them out of my pocket, so I dropped them into his palm, admitting to myself that I liked seeing him on my hog. It felt personal somehow, almost like how it might feel to have him inside my house. And damn, it hit me right then how fucking much I wanted that.
We’d only ever met at the clubhouse, and I wanted desperately to bring him home. But it was impossible to have something like that go unnoticed by the guys, especially since we kept regular patrol, so essentially we were back to square one.
Once he fired her up, the roar of the engine drowned out the dull thud of the music from inside. He bent down to listen before hopping off and kneeling near the front tire. “Probably just needs a tune up and an alignment.”
“Figured as much,” I said as he turned the key and killed the engine. The silence was almost deafening as we both appeared to struggle for something to say that wouldn’t readily give us away. Screw it.
“I’ve been meaning to tell you…” I began, finally taking the opportunity to talk to him face to face. I lowered my voice. “Sorry I didn’t stay long…that night. Guess I freaked.”
“S’okay,” he said, smoothing his fingers down the handlebar before gripping it tightly. “Natural to doubt yourself and what happened between us.”
“That’s not what I mean,” I said and his head snapped up. “I’m not…I’m pretty solid in how I feel.”
His gaze locked with mine and he gave a slight nod, his eyes wary but his breath fast and heavy. But fuck if I didn’t need more from him than that.
“It’s what I did…after I pulled out…” I continued, my neck growing hot with the memory. “I dunno what came over me.”
“For what it’s worth,” he replied, his gaze now on his thick black boots, “I fucking loved it. Can’t stop thinking about it.”
My hand reached up before I came to my senses and forced it back down. Had we been alone, I would’ve grabbed hold of him and locked our mouths together. I wanted to taste him, smell him, make him feel good again. Fuck.
“Damn, okay. Same here.” There was a long beat of silence. “Just don’t know what to do…about any of this.”
“You have more at stake than me, so I get it. It…is what it is, I guess,” he said in a strained voice and I wanted to let him know I couldn’t so easily brush it aside.
“It’s just…I wonder…”
Right then his cell buzzed with a couple of text messages.
He fished it out of his pocket and smiled down at the screen. My chest squeezed so tight I could scarcely breathe. “Something funny?”
“Nah.” He shrugged. “Just a friend trying to get me to come out tonight.”
I clenched my jaw. “Same friend as last time?”
“Yeah,” he replied, his gaze swinging up to mine. “Craig and his buddies are up at this bar called Aces, off the forty-one. You heard of it?”
“Don’t think so,” I said, trying to remember that exit.
“Yeah, guess not. It’s a little hole-in-the-wall bar. Might feel good to take off this cut and go hang out with that crowd.”
A spike of jealousy coursed through me shredding my insides, and I shut my eyes, at a loss for what to say or do. I couldn’t hold him back, but I also couldn’t make him mine.
The door swung open behind us, and Fish walked out with one of his recruits who was pulling out a pack of smokes. “What’s going on out here?”
Here we fucking go again. “Told Sawyer my bike is running rough,
so we came out here to listen to her engine.”
“Needs a tune up is all,” Sawyer said, taking a step away from my bike. Christ.
“Yeah,” Fish said with an assessing gaze between us. “We’ll put you on the schedule.”
“Cool, thanks,” I replied, suddenly feeling flush as my pulse pounded in my ears. “Better get inside. I owe Felix a round.”
I walked back inside, and the first person I laid eyes on was Jonas. “What the fuck is up with you?”
“Nothin’,” I muttered. “Want to wager me in pool?”
Forced to be social for the next hour, I familiarized myself with some of the new Scorpions, especially the guys who’d be helping at the scrap yard. I never saw Sawyer leave, but my stomach flip-flopped the rest of the night until I was finally able to throw my leg over my bike and head the hell out of there.
14
Sawyer
I waited until a couple of guys headed home to their old ladies and then slipped out of the dwindling party at close to eleven. It was a relief to get away from Fish’s probing gaze but a bummer at the same time to leave without even a proper good-bye to Mal.
I wasn’t one to pine over somebody and it’d been a while since I’d dated a man or woman for more than a couple of months, but hot damn, I’d consider giving it a go with Mal, pipe dream or not. Most of all, I missed the friendship that had burgeoned between us. Our evening talks, the crummy middle of the night movies that we watched anyway, comfortable in the silence. I had lifted my cell to text him a few different occasions over the past week, deciding instead that time apart might do us both a bit of good.
Spotting Craig and his friends as soon as I arrived at Aces, I sat down at their table and ordered a drink from the server. The bar was a mix of men and women and wasn’t overly packed, so there was room to dance if we felt like it.
“You’re looking mighty hot,” Craig had whispered in my ear when he hugged me, and I had to admit he did as well. We hadn’t hooked up in years, but we flirted plenty and that was enough for me tonight. I had met his two roommates previously and as they talked about the building they lived in and some fun parties that went down there, I thought about the fact that I seemingly lived two different lives.
Gaga was piping through the speakers and I raised my glass in the middle of getting my groove on as I belted out one of my favorite lines. I imagined the guys at the clubhouse razzing me for days on end if they saw me showing out like this. Same way I had joined in on mocking Clive last month when he’d borrowed my laptop to watch a Luke Bryan concert. They were decent men and since I’d come out as bisexual to them a couple of years back, they’d been pretty cool to me.
After I finished my drink, the guys pulled me out to the dance floor and I’d confess, it felt good to let loose. Craig had sidled up for some dirty dancing, his hand on my hip throughout a couple of new songs. When I spun and turned in the opposite direction something prickled along my neck. My eyes scanned the room, and that’s when I spotted Mal coming through the door. What the fuck?
He had removed his cut and given all the admiring eyes on him, he looked like any other hot guy at the club. His stride was confident as he made his way to the bar, but I could tell by the wariness in his eyes he was slightly freaked as he looked around the space. Couples were making out, dancing, or holding hands and as he’d never stepped foot in such an establishment before, it was bound to be a culture shock.
I watched as the bartender chatted him up and he ordered a drink. He found a stool to settle at and as soon as the golden amber shot was placed in front of him, he downed it, wincing at the burn. Liquid courage.
The bartender slid a tall draft in his direction and he sipped it while he scanned the dance floor. When our eyes locked, neither of us waved or moved to approach the other. We simply stared. I was shuffling my feet, just going through the motions, wondering what in the hell he was doing here when Craig spun me around to face him. I shut my eyes, reined in my runaway breaths, attempting to get back into the groove.
“You good?” he whispered in my ear.
“Yeah, why?” I asked, feeling like I was on display.
He shrugged, giving me the once-over before dropping the subject.
“You’ve got an admirer at the bar,” he said a moment later, looking over my shoulder. “Smoking hot silver fox. I’d definitely do him.” Like hell you will.
“You should go order a drink,” he said, nudging me. “Maybe say hi.”
I glanced in Mal’s direction and noticed how his gaze narrowed at Craig. “Maybe I will.”
As casual as I could muster with my pulse pounding in my ears, I made my way over to the bar, sidled up to the empty space next to Mal, and lifted my hand to request a beer. “What are you doing here?”
“Thought I’d check this place out,” he said, after sipping his drink.
“Checking up on me?” I asked, with a smirk.
“Just want to be near you. Is that a crime?” he said low to my ear and my breath caught in my throat. “But I see you already have company.”
“Those are my friends,” I said, glancing back at Craig who now had a hot new dance partner. “We’re just having fun and messing around. Totally innocent.”
“Didn’t look innocent to me,” he said with a growl. “It’s fucking hard seeing other people’s hands on you.”
“Suppose you’ll have to get used to it. We both will.” I gritted my teeth. We were going to have to be around each other a lot more. No way we could keep up this charade. “Unless you plan on doing something about it?”
His eyebrow arched. “I could do a hell of a lot. But we’re in public right now.”
“You’re in a gay bar. Nobody here knows you,” I replied, glancing to my left and right. “Might give you some courage.”
His gaze shot around the space suspiciously at first. Eventually, his shoulders relaxed, seemingly satisfied nobody recognized him or maybe that nobody was paying much attention. He tentatively reached across my knee and entwined our fingers. It may have only been our hands but my skin prickled from the contact. “How’s that feel?”
“Really good,” he answered, his eyes fixed on our hands as if marveling at them. I’d admit he was being pretty brave, but I couldn’t help wanting more. Not after everything we’d already shared. Frustration and longing lodged solidly in my throat, alongside my heart.
“Want to dance?” I asked, glancing over my shoulder as another favorite song began piping through the sound system.
He lifted his glass to his lips. “Ain’t never been much of a dancer.”
“Guess you’ll have to watch me then.” I spun away from his grasp and shook my hips all the way to the dance floor to rejoin my friends who were now hopping around and goofing off to the jam.
I didn’t understand what had come over me just then—only that a cross between impatience and despair sat heavily in my chest. Mal might’ve shown up here to see me, but nothing would—or could—come of it. It only meant more long nights of ridding him from my thoughts.
Craig slid up behind me and firmly grasped my hips. “A no go with that guy?”
“Not sure yet,” I admitted, my head a jumbled mess again.
“Oh, I see,” he said with a laugh and then ground his groin against my ass. “Trying to make him jealous?”
When I glanced across the room, Mal’s eyes blazed with possessiveness and though a thrill shot through me, I also felt terrible for making him feel vulnerable. Honestly, it was a no-win situation and certainly not anybody’s fault we couldn’t be together. Just how the cards were dealt.
Suddenly Mal was on his feet and I was sure he was about to leave. Had the tables been flipped I might’ve done the same. He leaned over to ask the bartender a question, and the guy motioned down the hallway toward the restrooms. Mal caught my eye and jerked his head as he turned and headed in that direction.
“Be right back,” I said, spinning out of Craig’s hold. I was most likely in for a tongue-lashing and I
wanted to make it right. No need to have bad blood between us.
I headed down the dim hallway and noticed Mal standing against the wall, his hand in his pocket. My pulse pounded in my ears, certain he was going to tell me good-bye in the form of a fuck you. Although I knew it was for the best, my stomach throbbed with dread.
As soon as I got near, Mal’s hand snapped out to latch onto my wrist and he jerked me against him. His fingers roughly connected with my neck and he held me close, forehead to forehead.
“Fuck,” he whispered as his lips trailed down to my neck. “Can’t do it, Sawyer.”
He smelled like wind and leather with just a hint of aftershave, and I melted into his frame never wanting him to let go.
I groaned as his lips mapped a path across my throat. My gut tightened at the same time, expecting the words that would signal our inevitable parting. “Can’t see you with nobody else.”
“Fuck. I get it,” I murmured, clutching the back of his shirt with a firm grip, not willing to let him walk out. Not yet.
A door swung open behind me as a woman exited the restroom. There were two other closed doors on the opposite side of the hall, but no line in front of either of them. Mal shifted out of my grasp to catch the edge of the frame before it fully shut and yanked me inside.
With one hand he bolted the door and with the other, he nudged me near the sink. Hands encircling my waist, he prodded me toward the mirror. “Don’t you see how sexy you are? How much I fucking want you?”
Panting, I stared at the scruff on my chin, my pupils wide, a line of sheen above my lip from dancing. As his face nuzzled my neck I briefly wondered if I smelled like sweat, but he didn’t seem to mind as he continued to trail his nose and mouth all over my skin. His hands slipped to the front of my jeans and I moaned and swayed as he unzipped my pants. In one smooth move, he tugged them to my knees along with my trunks, and I gasped as the cool air hit my skin.
The Faintest Spark: Roadmap to Your Heart, Book #1.5 Page 8