by T V Hartwell
“Really? I thought that guy was a little creepy, like he was going to ask us to join him in a threesome or something. We probably should’ve made a video this morning, so that we could’ve given him something to wank to,” Jake said dismissively.
Kirby laughed. “Yeah, we should do that,” he said to Jake, grabbing him around the waist, pulling him close and pinching his nipple while looking into his eyes. Jake played along, wrapping his arm around Kirby’s broad shoulders while looking back at him and seductively flicking his tongue. Reverting back to their old high school antics, they put on a show, acting like two love birds while not seeming to care what anyone thought; just horsing around like silly teenage boys for the pure shock value and reaction of passersby.
As they continued their walk down the hill, Kirby became more serious in demeanor. He could feel the butterflies in his stomach as he believed the moment had come for him to tell Jake the truth about himself, about his relationship with Laren, and about his desire to be with Jake as his true and only lover. In the past, sex between them had mostly felt like sport and recreation, even as Kirby’s feelings for Jake developed and matured. However, that morning Kirby felt that he and Jake had made love. Not only did it feel genuine and mutual, it felt more passionate and real than at any other time before. And then to have a stranger tell them that they look perfect together as a couple, and then they’re frolicking in public the way they used to and feeling totally at ease doing so. Even though it was silly play, it felt magnetic nevertheless. Kirby had never felt so close to Jake and so sure of their destiny together than at that moment.
“I have something I’ve been meaning to talk with you about,” Jake said, catching Kirby off guard and pulling him back to the present.
Kirby became excited as his brain began to race. He knew that Jake wanted to tell him the same exact thing Kirby wanted to tell him. He could feel it. The energy between them was unmistakable and the time had finally come for them to pour their hearts out to one another.
“I have something I’ve wanted to talk with you about too,” Kirby said with a softness in his tone.
“Okay, then you go first.”
“No, no. You go first,” Kirby said, thinking that by letting Jake go first, he would have more time to collect his thoughts and to choose the right words to say. Plus, his heart was pounding so fast it seemed as though the pulse in his head was about to burst.
Jake chose to be direct and very matter of fact. “Look, I don’t think we should continue to do anything sexual anymore. You know, with me getting married and everything, we can’t continue like this forever. I feel as though I’m cheating on Amanda, even though I’m really not. It’s not like you and I are in love or anything, but you know what I mean.”
Kirby was stunned. He wanted to scream, What the fuck are you talking about? No, I don’t know what you mean. He took a deep breath and thought carefully about what to say next. “Does this have anything to do with people thinking we’re gay, like that old guy back there?”
“No, I don’t really care about that. I just don’t think we should continue to have sex. I admit it feels good when we do, but I feel guilty about it afterward, especially now that I’m about to get married.”
“Hey, no problem. I feel you, man,” Kirby said, trying to seem agreeable and dispassionate while concealing his hurt at the same time.
Jake sensed the heaviness of the moment. It felt awkward and uncomfortable; kind of like dumping a longtime girlfriend. He tried to bring levity to the conversation with crude guy talk. “You know I love you and all, dude,” Jake said, putting his hand on Kirby’s shoulder, “but I love my girl’s pussy more.”
Kirby managed to force out a fake laugh to appear unaffected, but he felt heartbroken and wounded inside.
Tears welled in Kirby’s eyes and he blinked furiously to hold them back. He did not look directly at Jake the rest of the way; he knew he could not conceal the sadness and disappointment in his face. What just happened? he thought, completely blindsided. The love he felt for Jake was unrequited after all. His emotions had betrayed him, and the desire to be together was not mutual as he had so strongly believed. As he processed what had just happened, Kirby felt as though he was having an out-of-body experience. Then suddenly he once again became aware of what was happening around him and feelings of anger, hurt, embarrassment, humiliation, disbelief, and shame overwhelmed him all at once. That morning, Kirby had believed, would be the beginning of a new chapter in his life. One where he and Jake would graduate from a casual sexual relationship born of homoerotic fantasy and lust to one based on true, genuine love, openly expressed and shared in a committed long-term relationship. However, Jake had very different intentions, and now he was starting a new chapter of his own.
Jake glanced over at Kirby and knew he had hurt him. But he didn’t know what else to do; it was cheating and he was getting married. After he and Amanda became engaged, Jake had tried to demonstrate his intentions without verbalizing them, hoping Kirby would get the message and recognize the changing direction of his life. However, although their sexual encounters declined, Kirby persisted in his advances and Jake would inevitably cave in to the temptation as he did that morning. His attraction to Kirby was real and undeniable and he enjoyed their sex, but it no longer felt right to him. In his mind, Kirby would always be his best friend, but their sexual relationship felt like a passing phase, something they had outgrown. Jake wasn’t judging Kirby or himself and he didn’t have any regrets about the nature of their relationship. In fact, he believed it was very special. Their physical relationship and the secrecy and exclusivity of it had been exciting, fun, and very satisfying for many years. Their affection for one another had flourished partly as a result of it, which made their bond as friends stronger and more intimate. But Jake’s vision for his life was evolving into that of a loyal husband and future father; an upstanding family man. His heart and body belonged to Amanda and he was committed to building a future together with her. In this new normal, Jake’s physical relationship with Kirby would have to come to an end.
Chapter 19 Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place
“There you two are. We were beginning to wonder where you were.”
“Sorry we’re late,” Laren said as she reached to hug Kirby’s mother, Joyce, who was making a beeline for her.
Kirby cleared his throat conspicuously to tease his mother. “What? No love for your son?”
“Of course, baby,” Joyce said before she threw an arm around him too so that she hugged Laren and Kirby together in an embrace that might have accommodated two five-year-olds comfortably.
Kirby smiled and said, “Happy birthday, Ma.”
Joyce decided to keep her birthday celebration small and intimate with just a few of the family. In addition to her husband, Charles, their son, Kirby, and Laren, they were joined by her mother-in-law and Kirby’s paternal grandmother, Louise, one of Charles’ sisters, Loretta and her husband, Milt (short for Milton), and Joyce’s sister, Maybelline who had never been married and had no children of her own. Joyce grew up in Boston where she and Charles had met while he was at Harvard Law School. Most of her family still lived back there with the exception of Maybelline, one of three sisters that Joyce convinced to move to LA to be closer to her.
“Come on, you two, everyone else is already here,” Joyce said.
Kirby and Laren entered the large living room of the Smiths’ expansive Beverly Hills home where they were cheerfully greeted by the assembled family members. They had all met Laren before at other family gatherings and special occasions and liked her very much. Joyce and Maybelline were particularly fond of Laren because she too came from the East Coast. Joyce also felt relieved to see Kirby seriously dating a black girl. Growing up in Beverly Hills and having attended an elite private prep school that was overwhelmingly white, he had mostly dated white girls growing up. Joyce became concerned about Kirby’s lack of exposure to and interaction with other black children, so she enrolled
him in Jack & Jill, a members only youth organization that caters primarily to black children from affluent families. He was actively involved in the organization throughout middle school and his first couple years of high school and was always popular with the young ladies, who practically pushed each other out of the way for his attention, but he never seemed that interested in any of them. He appeared more enamored with the white girls at his prep school instead. Joyce didn’t mind her only son dating girls outside of his race early on. In fact, it was to be expected in light of the environment in which he was raised, and he was such an attractive and confident boy that practically any teenage girl would have been curious to know him, she thought.
However, as time progressed and the same dating pattern persisted during college, Joyce became depressed about it. She concluded that he didn’t like black girls and that his rejection of them amounted to a rejection of her on some level. Striking, beautiful, and proud, the idea that her son didn’t want the mother of his children to be a black woman, like her, grieved Joyce deeply. So when Laren came along during his senior year at USC, Joyce nearly fainted upon meeting her. She couldn’t believe her eyes. She liked Laren immediately. She reminded Joyce of herself at Laren’s age: young, ambitious, smart, and attractive. Thank you, Jesus, she said to herself and prayed unceasingly thereafter that Kirby and Laren would stay together. Since four years had passed from when the two started dating, the expectation was that they would inevitably marry.
When the family finally moved to the dining room for dinner, Kirby and Laren became the principal focus of conversation. They represented the future, which made it exciting for the older generation to see their lives unfolding before their eyes, eager to hear about their careers, dreams, and aspirations. Laren enjoyed the attention but Kirby squirmed uncomfortably, especially when the talk turned to marriage.
“Kirby’s going to be the best man in a big wedding in a couple of weeks,” Joyce shared with the table.
“Oh really? Who’s gettin’ married?” Louise, Kirby’s grandmother, asked.
“I won’t be the best man, actually, but it’s my best friend, Jake.”
“Who is Jake?” Maybelline asked. “Have I met him?”
“Oh, I’m sure you have, Mabel. He and Kirby have been best friends since they were in middle school,” Joyce said.
“What does he look like?”
“He’s kind of Kirby’s height,” Joyce said.
“Dirty blondish hair. Blue eyes,” Laren chimed in. “He’s very handsome.”
“Yes, he is. Jake is very handsome,” Joyce agreed. “And smart! Very, very smart.”
“Is he the cute white boy who used to come around here when you were in high school?” Maybelline asked.
Those at the table who knew Jake smiled and chuckled affirmatively in response to Maybelline’s recollection of him.
“I remember him. You’re still friends after all of these years?” she asked.
“Yep,” Kirby replied. “That’s my main man.”
“Awww, that is so sweet.”
“Did I hear you say that you won’t be the best man?” Joyce asked.
“That’s what I heard him say,” Kirby’s father, Charles, said curtly without looking up from his plate.
“Right. I’m still in the wedding, but he asked his brother, Harry, to be his best man.”
“Oh,” Joyce said, doing a poor job of hiding her confusion.
“It’s very common to ask your brother to be your best man or to have your sister as the maid of honor,” Kirby’s Aunt Loretta said. “When I got married, my sister was my maid of honor.”
“I know it’s common. I just thought all this time that you were going to be the best man,” Joyce said, sounding disappointed.
Kirby, who was in an emotionally fragile state, didn’t respond to her. Not only will I not be Jake’s best man, but he doesn’t want me to be his lover anymore either, Kirby said to himself.
“So are you still planning the bachelor party?” Joyce asked. “You’ll be in Vegas next weekend, right?”
“Yeah. Me and a couple of other guys are handling most of the details,” Kirby said, sounding unenthusiastic.
“So when is YOUR wedding?” Uncle Milt blurted out with his characteristic bluntness.
An awkward silence momentarily descended at having the question on everyone’s mind so publicly asked. Then Joyce and her sister started giggling and all eyes turned expectantly toward Kirby, who was glaring at Milt with the stare of death. He looked back down at the table, not answering him. Meanwhile, Laren sat with her hands folded on her lap and a slight grin on her face as she too eagerly awaited Kirby’s response.
Milt, always a feisty one, sensed Kirby’s annoyance at the question, but relished the opportunity to rattle his cocky nephew a bit.
“You’ve got this pretty girl here. What’s holding you back? She’s not going to wait around forever.”
“That’s right,” Maybelline seconded as the other women at the table nodded and hummed in agreement. Only Laren remained silent.
“Before long, someone else will come along and snatch her away from you.”
Kirby was about to explode. Shut the fuck up, you hairy ass, big nose motherfucker, he said to himself, covering his face with his hands, shaking his head trying to convey his displeasure without verbalizing it and having it come out the wrong way.
Knowing that they had been going through a rough patch in their relationship, Laren sensed the tension in Kirby’s body language and tried to help him out. “Nobody can snatch me away from Kirby. We’re pretty solid. Everything will happen at the right time.”
Wanting to relieve the growing awkwardness, Aunt Loretta jumped in. “They’re young. They have time. No need to rush. They’re both working on their careers and trying to get established first. That’s how young people are today. They try to get established first.”
“Exactly,” Laren said.
“Well, they can’t wait too long. I’m going to want some grandbabies sooner rather than later,” Joyce said as her mother-in-law, Louise, giggled and tapped her on the arm in agreement. “See, big momma wants some great-grandbabies too,” Joyce said, grinning.
“Oh my God, would you please stop?” Kirby finally said, shaking his head and looking up at the ceiling in frustration.
They all laughed at him, seeming to enjoy getting under his skin and seeing him squirm a little in his seat.
“You guys take your time. What’s the hurry? I get it,” Aunt Loretta said to Kirby and Laren, trying to be sympathetic.
“What’s the hurry? How about, what’s the wait?” Uncle Milt retorted. “How long you two been together?” he asked, looking at Laren since Kirby refused to engage him and make eye contact.
“A little more than four years,” she answered.
“Four years! Charles, I think your son needs to man up. Stringing this beautiful girl along like that. You’ve got to take care of your business, son.”
At that point Kirby wanted to leap across the table, grab Milt around the neck, and choke him. He had reached his boiling point and could not take the ribbing any longer. However, Kirby managed to maintain his composure long enough to remove himself from the situation. “I’m done,” he said and calmly rose from the table and left the room, the indignation in his voice and body language apparent.
“Now see what you’ve done, Milt,” Loretta said. “You’ve upset him. Why do you have to be such a bully?”
“I was just messing with him.”
“You said he needed to take care of his business,” Louise said, tilting her nose down to look at Milt over the rim of her glasses as if to indicate that she felt the comment was indelicate and underserved.
“Yeah, I don’t think he liked that,” Joyce said. “Kirby is very much about taking care of business and is very diligent about everything he does.”
“The only problem is that he just doesn’t know how to make any money,” Charles said with comedic flair, trying to lighten
the moment and drawing laughter from his guests. “I’d much rather see the boy make a movie that sells some tickets than make me a grandbaby.” Often a man of few words, the fact that his son had been diligent in pursuing a career as an independent writer/producer and had yet to produce anything that resulted in his financial independence was not lost on the businessman and bank CEO.
***
Kirby’s parents had been generally supportive of his pursuit of a career in film and television. During his senior year at USC, he sold a screenplay for $50,000 with the promise of additional earnings if it was ever made into a film, but that had yet to happen. When he sold the screenplay, that gave his parents some initial hope about his future prospects in an industry that leaves most people in a feast or famine state of existence. However, in the four years since he graduated from college, Kirby had yet to sell another screenplay or land a gig that resulted in steady income. As a result, he received a substantial allowance of $5000 a month on top of receiving an additional $2000 to cover his portion of the rent for the bungalow he shared with Jake. He drove a late model BMW 325i Coupe, fully paid for in cash, so he had no car note to speak of, and his auto, property, and medical insurance were all covered under his parents’ umbrella policy. Charles had not given Kirby a timetable for how long he would continue to support him, but after four years he increasingly grew wary of dolling out that kind of money and not seeing any results from Kirby’s ventures.
Charles also didn’t like that Kirby spent so much money on trips and nights out on the town in LA and Vegas clubbing with his friends. Charles believed in hard work and a degree of frugality and did not raise his son to be a trust fund kid. Once Kirby started making his own money, he could spend it however he wanted as far as Charles was concerned, but he knew that the $7000 monthly allowance he provided his son afforded him a more lavish lifestyle than most twenty-six-year-olds enjoyed, and he wanted him to do more to earn his keep.