by T V Hartwell
“You most certainly will. You and Jake are going to be awesome parents. And I can’t wait to become an aunt to your little ones or will I be the godmother? Hmmm.”
“I would love for you to be godmother to one of my kids, especially if I have a girl. I could totally see that.”
“Oh yes, I could see that too. And I can also see the potential for adorable little baby girl clothes. I would love being a godmother. Awww, a little Mandiii,” Lucy said, smiling as she imagined her future goddaughter in the image of her dear friend as a child.
“Jake is so sweet. I just love him so much. You should’ve heard what he said to me yesterday after getting back from Vegas.”
“What did he say?”
“Just how he regretted that we broke up and that he will never let me go again, and how I’ve helped him to have a sense of purpose when it comes to making the right choices and decisions in his life. It was overwhelming to hear him say all that.”
“Oh my God, that’s sooo sweet,” Lucy said, wiping a tear away with her napkin. “I’m so happy for you guys. You two are truly a match made in heaven. You so deserve this, Mandi. Really, I mean it. This could not be happening to a better, more beautiful person. Here’s to your complete happiness,” Lucy said, sniffing and holding up her water glass.
Amanda grabbed and held up her glass too as they clinked them together and said “cheers” to each other before taking a sip.
“It was so nice to have him back home yesterday. He sat there on the sofa with me practically all afternoon and evening. We just cuddled and talked and watched TV. And then we took a shower together and boy was he hungry.”
Lucy giggled. “What do you mean?”
“Hungry to get into my candy store.”
Lucy cracked a muffled laugh, covering her mouth with her hand.
“The guy was a sex machine. He did me twice in the shower. And then he carried me to bed and went down on me like a hog.”
Lucy gave out a loud shrill, and then quickly covered her mouth with her napkin.
“And then he banged me again for a third time. My vaj is literally in recovery mode right now. I guess Vegas really made him miss me or something.”
Lucy fell over herself laughing and turning red. “Oh my God, I can’t believe you just said that.” Lucy started using her hands to fan herself, completely taken aback and tickled by Amanda’s uncharacteristic bluntness.
“What are you guys going to do by the time you go on your honeymoon? There will be nothing left to discover.”
“Oh, we know how to keep things spiced up in the bedroom. Did I ever tell you that Jake is good at twerking and that he loves to striptease to rap music?”
“Get out!!!”
“He gives good lap dances too. But you can’t tell anyone. Promise me you will never ever mention it to a-n-y-one.”
“Okay, okay. I won’t. I promise. But that’s so hot. Jake is so damn sexy and has an amazing body. But after dating him for so long do you ever get bored? I’ve never had a boyfriend as long as you have and I’ve always been curious about that. You know me, I start to lose interest after six months.”
“That’s because you haven’t found the one perfect guy to be with yet. I could make love to Jake for a hundred lifetimes. I guess I’m kind of old fashioned that way. I’m a girl who’s hopelessly in love with her man and really doesn’t need anybody else,” Amanda said dreamily, a faraway look on her face.
Chapter 38 On The Fence
Jake left his meeting with Rick and Mike in distress. Despite the size and terms of the financial offer that was presented, he was inconsolable and not fully prepared to face and accept the task put before him. Although consumed with indecision and doubt about how to proceed, Jake honored the confidentiality of the information that was shared with him and he spoke to no one about the life altering choice Rick and Mike asked him to make. It was just him, left alone with his own thoughts and gut instincts serving as his guide.
Jake went about the week the way he normally would; going to work each day and keeping to his Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday workout schedule with Kirby who was again showing up. However, Kirby was still acting needy and Jake didn’t have the patience or energy to deal with it, so he kept his interaction with him to a bare minimum. Jake didn’t change his sleeping arrangement either, going home to Amanda every night and waking up with her each morning as if everything between them remained unchanged. However, Jake did not sleep well as the stress of the situation weighed on him heavily. He tossed and turned every night as he agonized over what to do, and if he ultimately decided to call things off with Amanda, how would he do it. What would be his explanation?
Jake also contemplated what Mike said to him about this moment being like a fork in the road, an opportunity to consider a different course for his life. When Mike had said that to him, Kirby had immediately popped into Jake’s mind and the thought kept coming back to him that maybe this unforeseen and unexpected derailment of his planned future was a sign that he should explore his feelings for Kirby more deeply and not completely dismiss out of hand the possibility of a monogamous relationship with him.
On Thursday night, Jake went out for drinks with a handful of colleagues after work. He asked one of them, Brody Roberts, another junior lawyer at the firm who was openly gay, about his relationship with his partner with whom he was in a long-term relationship. Brody was a couple years older than Jake and had been at the firm a little longer than him. Brody attended Harvard Law School and was very active in LGBT causes as a student and remained so professionally, sitting on the board and doing pro bono legal work for a couple of local gay civil rights organizations in LA. Brody was highly regarded in the firm for his intelligence and work ethic and truly no one seemed concerned about his sexual orientation. He and Jake developed a good relationship and were part of a close knit circle of high achieving younger lawyers in the firm who occasionally met for a drink after work.
“How’s Mark?” Jake asked Brody after the group had a couple of rounds and people began to break off into one-on-one conversations.
“Mark’s good. Thanks for asking. His real estate business is going fairly well, despite the sluggish recovery.”
“In what areas of town does he specialize?”
“Mostly the Hollywood Hills, West Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Los Feliz. You and Amanda looking for an agent?”
“No. At least not yet. She already owns a condo at Sierra Towers in West Hollywood and I’ll be moving in with her once we’re married. But when we start having kids we’ll need to look for a new place. A house with a yard…”
“Sierra Towers, now that’s a great building. I think Mark has sold a couple units there. Fabulous views and very private. I guess that’s why it’s so popular with celebrities.”
“Yeah, it is a nice building. We like it there a lot, but it won’t be suitable when time comes for having a family.”
“I hear yah.”
“How about you and Mark, any talk of having kids someday?”
“We’ve talked about it. We’re both kind of interested in adopting. There are so many kids out there who don’t have homes and need a family. I interned at the LA County CASA after my first year of law school and it really opened my eyes to the plight of children in the foster care system.”
“That would be a pretty cool thing for you to do,” Jake said as he took a sip of his beer. “Would there be any hurdles to adopting as a gay couple?”
“Not in California. Gay adoptions have been legal here in one form or another for more than twenty years.”
“I guess that’s not so surprising. California has always been on the cutting edge of social progressivism. What about your family, would they be supportive of you adopting?”
“My family would be completely supportive. I grew up in the Bay area and my family is very progressive and liberal. But Mark is from Texas and his family is very conservative, right wing, Christian. So I doubt they would approve. They don’t even approve of us b
eing together. It’s really sad. Mark has a very strained relationship with his family. I think that’s why he wants to have children and create a family of our own. You know, so that he can provide them with the unconditional love and support he feels he didn’t receive from his own parents growing up.”
“How does he deal with that? I can’t even imagine not having a relationship with my family. They’re such a big part of my life.”
“Fortunately, my family has pretty much adopted him. My parents love Mark and they are very supportive of our relationship, so that helps a lot. But he was really damaged when we first met. He worried he was going to die of AIDS and burn in hell for being gay and other crazy shit like that. It had been so deeply ingrained in him to feel ashamed and to hate who he was that it was difficult for us to have a relationship. It was really tough in the beginning because I had been out since the beginning of high school and all of my friends knew and my family knew. They were so loving and taught me to be proud of who I was, so it was weird to be with someone who came from the exact opposite experience. Mark has come a long way though. It’s been three and a half, nearly four years now that we’ve been together, knock on wood. He’s a much healthier person now. He’ll be a great father one day. And although I want a family too, I would literally adopt just to help him become a father. He has so much to offer as a parent.”
Hearing Brody talk about his family and how accepting they are of him and his partner, Mark, made Jake think about his own family and what their reaction would be to him being in a gay relationship. He found Brody very relatable because he too was young, attractive, smart, and a lawyer who came from a good family and home just like him. However, the more he thought about it, the idea of being partnered with another man and having a family together was so starkly different from what Jake had envisioned for his life that he pushed the thought aside and returned to thinking about ways to salvage his dream of sharing a life with Amanda as her husband.
Jake lay awake all night after going to bed on Thursday evening, arguing with himself in his head and trying to consider every possible scenario to keep his relationship with Amanda intact. Throughout the night, intermittently, he sat and watched her sleep in awe and disbelief that someone else named Maggie was present in her mind and took control of her body when he wasn’t looking.
When he rose for work that Friday morning, Jake knew what he would do. His mind was made up and his decision was final.
Chapter 39 The Decision
Amanda had a busy day ahead of her. It was the day before what had been dubbed as her bridal weekend, including her bridal shower and lunch at her parents’ palatial Holmby Hills home being hosted by her mother and sister for forty guests, followed by a bachelorette dinner party at Soho House that evening for her and twelve of her closest friends, including Charlie McCormack who was always treated like one of the girls. Unbeknownst to Amanda, they would be heading to Hollywood for an all-male strip revue afterwards too. Amanda said that she didn’t want to do a strip show because she didn’t want to be pulled on stage with G-string clad men shoving their dongs in her face, but Lucy planned to take her anyway. Amanda thought she was going to a club just for dancing, but she was in for a big surprise.
Among other things, Amanda had a nail appointment, hair appointment, and facial treatment all lined up and scheduled in Beverly Hills that morning and early afternoon, not to mention seating arrangements and gift bag item selections left to finalize for her rehearsal dinner and wedding the following weekend, plus a whole host of other matters to tend to that seemed to be popping up out of nowhere at the last minute. Amanda had a lot of help, as to be expected for the daughter of a billionaire who was spending a small fortune on her wedding and honeymoon, but she was nevertheless consumed and very much involved with all of the planning details, except for the rumored appearance by Beyoncé. That was still technically a surprise.
Realizing she couldn’t stay in bed any longer, Amanda pushed herself to stand and noticed bags sitting at the bedroom door. She thought that was odd. To her knowledge, Jake had no other trips planned before they jetted off to the south of France to begin their honeymoon. Amanda could hear Jake shuffling around in the living room, but she had scheduled an early Pilates appointment and needed to hurry to be on time, so she went straight into the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face.
When Amanda came out of the bathroom, it felt eerily silent inside her condo and the bags that had been sitting near the bedroom door were gone. “Jake,” she called as she quickly put on her sweatpants and top from Lululemon. No answer. “Jake?” she called again, but no answer. She went back into the bathroom to retrieve a band to tie around her hair before she walked out of the bedroom and into the living area, pulling her hair back into a ponytail, as she called him again, “Jake!”
At that moment, Jake walked through the front door, startling Amanda when the door swung open so suddenly and with such force.
“Hi! Oh my gosh, you scared me. I didn’t realize you went outside.”
“Sorry,” Jake mumbled as he walked past her like a man on a mission to grab his wallet and cell phone, which were sitting on the dining table.
“I saw your luggage out. Are you traveling somewhere this weekend?” Amanda had been so occupied with her own plans for her bridal weekend that she couldn’t recall whether she had discussed with Jake what his plans were.
“No,” Jake said flatly before turning to face her. “I have something to tell you,” he said with eyes that appeared fatigued and red from crying.
“Is everything okay?” Amanda asked, concerned by the grim look on Jake’s face.
“This is a very hard thing”—Jake paused as he became emotional before quickly catching himself to maintain his composure and resolve—“for me to do. Very hard, but I can’t go through with this. I’m sorry, but I can’t marry you and we need to call off the wedding.”
Amanda looked at him in puzzlement, confusion and disbelief all at once. “Whaaat?” she asked, squinting her eyes, searching Jake’s face. “Is this a joke? If you’re playing with me right now, I don’t think this is very funny,” she said, crossing her arms. She raised her eyebrows to show her disapproval at such a mischievous prank, but as Jake stared back at her in solemn silence, her look of disapproval crumbled and her eyes began to well with tears as she clung to the hope that this was still only a cruel joke.
“I’m sorry, Amanda. I’ve been up all night trying to convince myself to stay with you, but I can’t force this upon myself any longer. I feel like I’m doing this because I’m expected to and not because I really want to or feel ready to. As the days have been winding down and the wedding gets closer and closer, I’ve come to realize that this is not what I want right now.”
“So do you just want to postpone the wedding? I mean, if you just need more time to think things over…” Amanda said ever gracious but looking pitiful in her sincere attempt to accommodate the young man she so deeply loved.
But Jake stamped out any hope she may have still held. “This isn’t just about the wedding. It’s about us and our relationship. I don’t think I can be with you anymore.”
“What do you mean? I don’t understand. What are you talking about, Jake?” Amanda said as tears began to roll down her face. “Just a few days ago, when you got back from Vegas, you were saying how much you love me and how much you want me in your life and that you wouldn’t let go of me again…”
“I know, I know,” Jake said, putting his right palm to his forehead and turning away momentarily before turning back to face her. “I’ve been trying to convince myself that I am in love with you for a while now, but I guess I’m really not anymore,” he lied. “I can’t explain it. I know it sounds crazy, but my heart’s just not in it and I can’t go through with this. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Jake said, pained by the deception of his own words.
Amanda’s heart sank to her stomach as she stared at Jake completely heartbroken and stunned beyond words. The guy that s
he had poured all of her emotional energy and love into since the beginning of her junior year at Stanford, whom she had made love to endlessly, whom she had promptly dumped another guy for so that she could be with him again, whom she had moved back to the West Coast from New York for, whom she did everything a girl could possibly do to keep herself pretty and desirable so that he was happy and satisfied—was now telling her after all of this, a week before their wedding, he was no longer in love with her? She couldn’t believe this was happening and without any forewarning whatsoever. She knew it had to just be cold feet, maybe someone had been worrying him about marriage. She swallowed the sobs that threatened to erupt, determined to do whatever was required to change Jake’s mind.
“Jake, what do you want me to do? What do I need to do? Just tell me,” she said through her tears.
“Nothing, nothing. It’s not about anything you have or haven’t done,” Jake said as he reached to hold her face in his hands. “You’ve been wonderful to me. So very wonderful,” he said earnestly, fighting back tears.
Amanda grabbed on to Jake’s wrists. “Jake, just tell me whatever it is I need to fix. I promise, we can fix this together. We’re a team. Right?” she said, looking desperately into his eyes, searching for the real Jake and trying to appeal to him beyond the careful mask that was hiding her beloved from her.
“I hope one day you find it in your heart to forgive me for doing this to you. But I’m only trying to protect you.”
“From who?”
“From me,” Jake said, thinking about her condition and believing that was in fact the case. “I don’t want to cause you any harm and that’s why I have to end things between us now. I know that what I am doing is the right thing and that it’s best for the both of us.”