Unforgivable Sin

by Isabel Lucero

  “Agreed.”

  “Let’s go have some drinks,” she says, tugging on my hand, making me follow behind her.

  All I can think about for the rest of the night is my own future with Emilie. Is Emilie thinking about marriage now? Am I even ready to be married?

  I decide not to go back to work. At least not today. Troy is still upset about what happened, and if I’m being honest, I’m a little worried that she was able to get that close to me undetected. We need to come up with a plan. She needs to be caught and put away somewhere. Whether that’s the crazy house or jail, I don’t know.

  Troy seems to be in deep thought about something. When I ask him what’s wrong or what he’s thinking, he just says nothing. I know he’s got something on his mind though, and I wish he would share it with me.

  While Troy is on the phone, I run a bath, because it’s a sin to have a bathtub this big and never use it. Troy only uses the shower, so it’s my job to show the tub some attention. I strip off my clothes and slowly submerge myself in the water.

  After soaking for about ten minutes, I hear Troy clear his throat. I open my eyes and instantly recognize the hunger in his own. He licks his lips all the while not looking at my face. I realize that because I didn’t have any bubbles for the bath, my body is fully displayed for his viewing pleasure.

  “Can I help you, Mr. Thompson?” I ask in a playful voice.

  Finally looking into my eyes, he gives me a small smile. “I was just wondering if you wanted to go somewhere when you’re ready.”

  “Sure. I’ll hurry up.”

  He kneels down at the side of the tub. “You know I love you, right?”

  I nod, noticing his serious demeanor. “And I love you.”

  He leans down and gives me a kiss before getting up and leaving the room.

  There’s definitely something going on with him, I just have no idea what it could be. I quickly wash my hair and body, and then wrap a towel around myself before going to pick out some clothes. After I put on my pair of jeans and a fitted, long-sleeved blue top, I run a comb through my hair, and put it up in a bun to save time. I quickly put on some make-up and then head to the living room to find Troy.

  “Ready!” I announce.

  I notice he quickly ends a call he was on and slips the phone in his pocket. He turns around and gives me a smile.

  “Okay, let’s go.”

  I give a small nod and follow him to his car. We drive off and after fifteen minutes, I realize we’re near my apartment.

  “Where are we going?” I ask.

  “I just wanted to drive by here to make sure everything was okay with your place,” he states.

  “Okay.”

  We drive by my apartment but don’t bother stopping or getting out. He creeps by the front of the building, and from what we can see; there isn’t anything on the door again. Troy continues driving and this time we end up near my job.

  “So what’s the plan?” I question.

  “I just thought we’d get out of the house and do some shopping, maybe grab something to eat,” he says, looking at me briefly while he finds a parking spot.

  “A guy choosing to take a woman shopping? Well, that’s just crazy!” I say jokingly.

  He only shrugs, and when he parks the car he swiftly moves around the front to open my door for me.

  “Where do you want to start?” he asks, looking up and down the street.

  “There’s this little antique store that I’ve wanted to check out. It’s a little ways down this way,” I say, gesturing to my left.

  “To the left we go,” he replies, extending his elbow for me to grab.

  While we walk down the street, I notice he keeps looking around and behind us. I figure he’s just being cautious and trying to make sure Carla isn’t around, so I don’t say anything.

  We arrive to the antique shop and he lets me go off on my own to look around. He stays near the door and windows, keeping an eye everybody passing by. I smile, grateful that he’s so worried about my well-being, but at the same time, I hate that he has to do this. I hate that we can’t just be a regular, happy couple able to shop without worrying about some crazy person showing up.

  After looking around, and deciding not to get anything, we exit the store. Troy is being quiet and distant. Something isn’t right.

  “Troy, what’s wrong?” I ask, stopping in my tracks on the sidewalk.

  He looks around and then looks down at me. “Nothing, come this way,” he says, pulling me around so we are heading the other way.

  “Something is going on. What is it? You’ve been weird all day.”

  He keeps walking for a few seconds before saying anything.

  Letting out a long breath, he looks at me with sad eyes. “Emilie, I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

  My breath leaves my body in a rush. “What?” I exclaim.

  He looks around again. “I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can keep doing this. I can’t stand all this constant looking over my shoulder and this endless worry that never leaves.”

  “Are you kidding me right now?” I ask, trying to hold back the tears.

  He shakes his head and looks down at the ground. “I’m not kidding, Emilie.”

  “You’re giving up on us because you don’t want to have to watch out for me while we’re out together? If that’s the case, then we don’t have to go out anywhere.”

  “I just think it would be best if we just ended this now.”

  “Troy! What’s wrong with you? Why the sudden change of heart? We love each other! You told me you loved me,” I exclaim, tears filling my eyes.

  He doesn’t respond and he doesn’t look at me either, and that pisses me off.

  “At least look at me when you break my fucking heart! If you don’t want to be with me, have the balls to look me in my face and tell me why!”

  My body begins to shake, a lump forms in the back of my throat, and I feel like I could throw up. I can’t believe he’s breaking up with me now. I don’t understand the timing. He just told me he loved me when I was in the bath.”

  Troy looks at me, and I can see the pain in his eyes. “Maybe I was wrong,” he says softly.

  “Wrong about what?”

  “You. Us. My ability to love and be with somebody long term. I told you I wouldn’t be the perfect boyfriend. I’m sorry.”

  He puts his hands in his pockets and looks past me. I can tell he doesn’t want to look me in the eye. I lose the battle of keeping my tears in. They flow freely down my face and I don’t bother to wipe them. If he wants to break up with me here on the street and rip my heart out, then he can witness the pain he’s causing.

  “I can’t believe you’d do this to me, Troy. I’d never expect this from you, not this way. I love you, and I thought you loved me. Maybe you are too fucked up emotionally. Maybe you can’t truly tell when someone loves you, but I’ll tell you right now. I love you. I love you more than I’ve loved anybody. I put all my trust in you. I waited for you. You are everything I’ve ever wanted.”

  My chin trembles and I pause, trying to keep from breaking into hysterics. I stare at his face, and try to lock eyes with him, but when he does glance at me, it’s never for long. He keeps looking over my head.

  “You did to me what Carla did to you. I hope you’re happy.” I turn around and walk away, but after a few steps, I look back at him and he has his hand over his face. “Never mind. I know you’ll never truly be happy. You won’t be happy with anybody, because you aren’t happy with yourself. Goodbye, Troy.”

  “How are you getting home?” he calls out.

  “Like you care.”

  I walk to the end of the block and luckily a cab drives by. After hailing it, I climb in and notice that Troy is right there. He followed me until I got into the cab, and he looks utterly heartbroken.

  I turn my face from the window and bury my face in my hands and cry. The cabbie probably regrets picking me up, because I never stop crying. Through my tears I t
ell him where to take me, but I’m still crying when he drops me off.

  “Are you okay, Miss?” he asks as I open the door.

  “No. No I’m not.”

  I pay him and then slam the door closed.

  Trudging up my walkway, I dread having to stay in my own apartment. I’m going to miss being with Troy, and miss staying with him. I’m going to miss the company. Just thinking about being alone keeps the tears steady running.

  After walking inside and turning on the lights, I drop to my couch and just lie there. I don’t bother doing anything else. My heart is completely broken and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him for this. He led me to believe we were happy and that he loved me. He promised he’d care for me and keep me safe.

  I should have known better. I should have expected that he’d break my heart. He’ll never be capable of being in a relationship. Perhaps this is my own damn fault, and now because I wanted him so bad, I have a fucking psychopath wanting me dead.

  Well, I guess she got what she wanted. Troy and I are no longer together. She’s effectively removed me from his life.

  Pushing my face into the back of the couch, I allow myself to cry one last time. I refuse to become like Troy and let someone else’s actions control the way I live my life. He hurt me like nobody else has, but I won’t beg him to be with me.

  I’m done.

  Three days after I broke up with Emilie on the street, I’m sitting on my couch, staring at the wall. Even though it was my idea, I can’t say that I’m not hurt about it. I can’t help but think about her and hope she’s doing okay.

  It’s late in the afternoon when my doorbell rings. Still in a bit of a daze, I stand up and walk to the front door. When I open it, I’d like to say I’m surprised that Carla is on the other side. However, nothing she does surprises me anymore.

  I don’t say anything. The words I’ve thought about saying to her for so long are running through my head, but I can’t say them. So, I bite my tongue and wait to see what she has to say.

  “Hi, Troy,” she says in a soft, nervous voice.

  “Carla.”

  “I… I don’t really know what I’m doing here.”

  Crossing my arms across my chest, I continue to watch her and not say anything.

  “Can we talk?” she asks.

  Without a word, I step aside and allow her to walk in. After I close the door, I follow her into the living room where she’s already making herself comfortable. I grab the sweatshirt that’s on the back of the couch and put it on. She sits in the middle of the couch, so I choose to sit in the single chair across from her.

  She fidgets with her fingers, and keeps putting stray hair behind her ears. Her nervous ticks are making me anxious, but I still wait to see what she has to say.

  Clearing her throat, she looks at me. “Troy, I want to apologize. For everything. I know I’ve done some things that I shouldn’t have, but you have to understand that I still love you. I love you so much. You have no idea what I went through after we broke up. I was devastated. I waited and waited to see if you’d change your mind and forgive me. When you stopped answering my calls and changed your number, I was so hurt.

  I knew you needed time and space, so I gave it to you. I left Las Vegas and finished college. I’ll admit I hoped to get over you. I thought maybe I’d find somebody else, but I didn’t. Nobody could ever compare to you, Troy. I thought about you constantly. When I moved back, I tried looking you up, but I couldn’t find you. I was so worried you had moved away, and that I’d never see you again. Troy, please talk to me. Say something.”

  I take a deep breath. “Carla, do you promise to not lie to me?”

  “Yes, of course. No more lies,” she replies quickly.

  “I’m going to ask you some questions, but I need the absolute truth,” I say sternly.

  “Okay,” she says with a single nod.

  “Did you lie about your parents?”

  She sucks in a breath. “Yes.”

  I swallow my anger. “Why?”

  “I knew I needed to give you a reason to talk to me. I didn’t think you’d turn me away if that was the reason why I was here and wanting to talk to you. I hoped to gain your compassion.”

  “I have one more question. This is very serious and very important. Remember I need you to be completely honest.” I wait for her response, and when she nods, I continue. “Did you have anything to do with what happened to Emilie?”

  Silence fills the room. Not only does she not say anything, she doesn’t look at me. Before she looked down into her lap, I thought I saw a flash of anger cross her face. She concealed it quickly, though.

  “Carla?”

  “Troy, why are you doing this?”

  “Doing what?”

  “Asking me this. Why? What will the answer do for you?”

  “I need to know, Carla. If you,” I hesitate, questioning if I really want to finish. “If you want a chance at having me back in your life, I need to know the truth. I need to know everything. No more lies, Carla.”

  “You’d give me another chance?” she asks hesitantly. “No matter what?”

  I nod once. “But I need the truth.”

  She takes a deep breath and straightens her back. “Okay. It was me. It was my fault.”

  “You drugged her? You forced obscene amounts of alcohol in her system?” I growl, struggling to keep my anger at bay.

  “I did what I thought I needed to do to get you back.”

  “It didn’t work, though. She lived.”

  She drops her head. “I know.”

  “Why did you try to become friends with her in the first place?”

  “What?” she asks, confusion filling her face.

  “You were Christine, no?”

  “I didn’t know you knew about that.”

  “Answer me,” I demand.

  “I needed to know who I was dealing with. I needed to know the woman who stole you from me.”

  “I wasn’t yours, Carla!” I roar.

  She flinches. “I know, but you weren’t supposed to be anybody else’s.”

  “So you were willing to commit murder?” I yell.

  Carla only moves her head marginally.

  “Answer me!”

  “Yes! I’d do anything for you, Troy. Anything!” she cries.

  A growl erupts from my chest. I try to control my breathing while wrath courses through my body.

  “Okay. I need you to leave.”

  “What?” she screeches, her eyes going wide. “I thought… you said it didn’t matter what I’d say.”

  “I know. I’ll meet with you tomorrow. I just need time to take all of this in. We can talk more tomorrow, okay?”

  “You sure? Do you promise you’ll see me tomorrow?” she asks in a panic filled voice.

  “Yes, I promise.”

  “Are you and Emilie not together anymore? Is that why you’re willing to talk to me and allow me in your life again?”

  “Emilie and I aren’t together. That doesn’t mean I’m not upset by what you did.”

  “I understand,” she responds. “So, when should I meet you tomorrow?”

  “Be here at noon.”

  “Noon. Okay. Thanks, Troy. You have no idea how much I appreciate this second chance.”

  I stand up and walk her to the door. “Bye, Carla.”

  “See you tomorrow,” she says with a small smile.

  I nod before closing the door.

  When I get back to the living room, I take off the sweatshirt, and pull out the recorder from the pocket. I hit stop and throw it onto the couch.

  She won’t just be seeing me tomorrow.

  It’s been three days since Troy decided he couldn’t be with me like he thought he could. A part of me thought and hoped he would have called or texted me saying he changed his mind. Letting me know he made a huge mistake and wanted me back, but he never did.

  I’ve picked up the phone countless times before slamming it back down. I wan
t to call and ask him what happened and what changed so quickly. But I know that won’t do me any good, I’ll only get my heart broken all over again.

  Since then, I’ve gone back to work just to keep my mind off of him. Nothing has happened to me yet. I haven’t seen or even felt like I’ve seen Carla anywhere near me. Maybe she’s finally content now that Troy and I aren’t together anymore. I may not have to fear for my safety anymore, but I do have to fear that I’ll never find someone like Troy again. I’ll never feel for someone the way I felt for him. Anybody I’m with next will be because I’m settling, and that’s not fair to anybody.

  I don’t know if I’d rather fear for my life, or fear that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.

  I keep replaying that day over and over in my head. We were happy, we laughed and joked, and he leaned over the tub and told me he loved me. Why would he tell me he loved me if he planned on breaking up with me later, and why would he do it while we were out in public? Was he trying to make it the most humiliating breakup he could think of?

  He made me feel so stupid. I remember telling him how even though I shouldn’t, I trusted him. I trusted him with my heart because he himself knew the pain of a broken heart. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  Maybe it’s all my fault. I should have known I couldn’t “fix” him. People who are broken like that aren’t fixable. They have to fight through whatever is they’re going through themselves. I should have given him more time. More time to determine whether he was actually ready to be in a relationship. More time for him to figure out if he really wanted to quit the escort business.

  “Oh shit,” I whisper to myself.

  I wonder if he’s back to being an escort already. He did say he hoped he wouldn’t have to go back to it, meaning he hoped we’d work out. We didn’t work out, though.

  “Fuck!” I exclaim, running fingers through my hair.

  I need to get out of this house. Maybe I should go for a run or something. It’s almost February, so it’s still cold, but I think running will do me some good. I’ll clear my head and come back refreshed and ready to pass out.