by N'Tyse
Vincent had me all wired up, but he had been tripping like hell. Just when I had thought I was about to get me eight inches of some good loving before I left his house, he had pulled away.
“Vincent, what are you doing?” I’d been pulling at his jeans, trying to undress him.
“Rene, I read in one of those baby magazines that it may not be good to have sexual intercourse while you’re this early in your pregnancy.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to hurt the baby.”
“Vincent, we can make love. It’s okay, I promise you.” I tried to slide my hand inside his jeans to see if I could get him hard, but the damn pants were too tight. He still wasn’t budging. He knew what I was trying to do and was becoming upset that I was still trying to get my feel on even after he had aired his concerns.
“I don’t think we should, honey. Please, respect my wishes.” He backed away and re-zipped his fly. I could not believe it. He was dead serious. He was not about to fuck me. I didn’t have anything else to say.
When I left his house, I drove straight home. I needed to release some serious tension, and I knew just the thing to do the trick.
My sexual appetite and my desires to be with a man had grown over the years. Sand couldn’t fulfill all my desires and sexual fantasies, and I almost felt ashamed for expecting her to.
I retrieved my pink vibrator from the drawer and went to work.
I played all alone until I was too weak and sexually drained to go on. Then I climbed into the bed and drifted off to a lover girl’s paradise.
Rene
I was sleeping real good until I heard a loud knock at my door. I knew it wasn’t Sand, because she always used her key. It had to be Shun; that was one of her police knocks. I swear, you would have thought she was the police.
“Wait a minute. I’m coming,” I yelled from the back room, where I had crashed.
I was still naked from my afternoon escapade. Me and my newfound friends had become real acquainted and were about to meet again just as soon as I could get rid of her ass. I slipped on one of Sand’s hooded pullovers and some shorts I often went running in. I went to the door, feeling weak and worn out. I knew the reason but was gonna try damn hard not to let Shun pick up on it. I didn’t bother looking out the peephole. I just swung the door open.
The woman before me was not my best friend. I didn’t recognize her at all. She was short and petite, with a smooth, clear complexion that any woman would have given up a kidney to have. Her hair was braided and was pulled up into a ponytail. She had on a skintight yellow and hot pink outfit that hugged all her curves. Her sandals and her Coach bag matched perfectly. I thought maybe she was lost and in need of directions, because it seemed like everybody got these damn buildings confused.
“Can I help you with something?” I asked.
She removed the dark-tinted shades from the top of her head and slid them into the side pocket of her purse. “Yes, I believe you can. I’m looking for Sand.”
“She’s not here right now. May I tell her who stopped by?”
“Do you even know where she is right now!” she snapped with an attitude.
“Excuse me?”
“Damn. Now your ass going deaf? I said, Do you even know where your woman is right now? What? You can’t comprehend English?”
I stared at the young woman who was posted up in front of me, shifting her head from side to side every time she spoke.
“And who are you?” I asked again with quick boldness.
Shit. I wasn’t Sand’s keeper, and as far as I was concerned, I had business to take care of before she got back, so this bitch had better make it quick.
“You don’t need to be worried about who the fuck I am. I need to talk to her!”
I opened my half-sleepy eyes as wide as they could go. “What did you just say?”
“You heard me. I’m looking for your girlfriend.” She was still working her neck from side to side. The bitch really had her nerve. I didn’t want any shit, but she was about to make me clown her ass, talking to me like that.
“Look, Sand ain’t here! I’ll tell her you came by!” I was about to leave her ass standing there, talking to the front of the door. I shifted my foot. “Anything else?” I huffed so she’d get the picture that she was wasting my time.
“You sitting up in there, and you don’t have the slightest idea where yo’ nigga at right now. That’s a damn shame. Do you at least know when she’ll be back?”
“Look, I said I don’t know where she is, so you need to take your attitude-having ass on and call her on her cell if you need her that damn bad! Who are you, anyway?”
She smirked a little. “That’s for me to know and for you to find out.” I had had enough of this heifer. I was just about to slam the door in her face, but she blocked it with her foot.
“You need to move your fuckin’ foot before I break this bitch,” I hissed.
She looked at me as if she dared me to act on my threat. “I wish you would so you can see how deep my other seven and a half can go in your black ass.”
I tried forcing the door shut, but her damn foot wouldn’t allow the door to close. Plus, I was still weak from the multiple orgasms I had experienced earlier. I still tried, but there was no victory.
“Move, bitch!” I shot back at her.
“What! I know you didn’t just call me no bitch, you carpet-munching dyke!”
I hated to be called out of my name, and that word right there was definitely a fighting word. I swung at her ass, and she swung back. Her fake nails flew off, landing north, south, east, and west. She pushed her way inside the apartment. I hit; she swung. She swung, and I ducked. She kicked me in the stomach, and an excruciating pain shot around my abdomen. I kicked and fought my little ass off. She was going for my jaw, but I was able to duck quickly, causing that punch to hit the hard-ass wall. Her knuckles were bleeding, and blood was trickling down from a scratch that I had made on her face.
“Crazy bitch!” I yelled.
When she finally realized her battle was lost, she backed off. Her eyes roamed around my apartment. I was still trying to catch my breath. I bent over, grabbing at my stomach, praying that my baby was unharmed. Before I knew it, she was coming at me with Sand’s baseball bat, which she had grabbed from behind the door.
She must have hit me pretty hard, because I lost consciousness. When I came to, I was dizzy but was able to pull myself up from the floor and make my way over to the couch. I was frantic and my head was spinning from the madness. My eyes shot in every direction, looking for the mysterious woman, but she had vanished without a trace. I had a small knot on the back of my head, and it hurt like hell.
I couldn’t believe Sand. I couldn’t wrap my head around anything that had just happened and the audacity of that bitch to come to my house. I staggered toward the bathroom to check my face. Parts of it felt like they were on fire. I had never had to fight in my life. She could have Sand, if that was what this was all about. My hair was all over my head. The French braid I’d had it in had been torn loose. I looked like a madwoman. I started to call Sand on her cell phone and tell her that it was over, that we were finished. She had just made our breakup so much easier. I decided against it because I wanted to see the look on her face when I told her that she could kiss my black ass good-bye. We were over, and that was for real. I was more than ready to move on with my life. Sand was suddenly my past, a past that I would soon bury.
I dialed Shun’s number before I could give in and call Sand. I had to tell her about what had just gone down. The phone just rang. Finally, her oldest son, Jorell, whom everybody called Jo Jo, picked up.
“Jo Jo,” I said, “where your mama at?”
“She went to the grocery store with Bubba Earl ’cause we got our food stamps.”
“Jo Jo, tell her to come over here when she get in. Tell her it’s urgent.”
“Okay, Aunt Rene.”
He hung up the phone, in a hurry to get back to t
hat video game I could hear his brothers arguing over in the background. I placed the handset back into its cradle. My head was starting to ache again. I went into the kitchen to make an ice pack to place on the swelling area.
Sand was a liar. All this time I had been worried about how she would take me leaving her, and she’d been creeping with hoes behind my back. Doing the same thing I was, being unfaithful. At least I had never brought Vincent into our home. Shit, he didn’t even know where I lived. I had made sure I kept my shit together.
She just didn’t give a damn. Did she want me to find out? Damn. What was she doing? Calling her tramp over as soon as I left or what? This shit was crazy. A threesome affair had just turned into a foursome. We were all fucking each other unknowingly, carrying on a discreet orgy. If Sand wanted to see other people, all she had to do was say so. It probably wouldn’t bother me as much if I had had doubts or had felt like she was cheating, but since I hadn’t, this shit was running me wild. Wasn’t I enough woman for her? I guessed I just wasn’t good enough. She needed cold air to cool her down, and I needed more wood for my fireplace. I had my reasons for stepping out, and as crazy as it sounded, I would have never cheated on Sand with another woman. It wasn’t the same. Cheating wasn’t just cheating when you were trying to find a substitution to make up for the things you weren’t receiving in a relationship. At least that was what I had convinced myself of.
Shun used to ask me how I would know how a real man felt if I had never been with one. She was right. I would have never known if I had allowed Sand to continue to manipulate me like she had done for so many years. I had finally seen the light. All the time I had wasted with her, trying to figure out if I was gay or not, I could have been enjoying a relationship with a real man.
A sharp pain stabbed me in the side, and another one shot quickly under my stomach. The pains grew sharper, rushing me without warning. I was hunched over, grabbing at my belly, all while trying to make it back to the bathroom. The urge to pee, vomit, and have a bowel movement came all at once. I sat down on the toilet and pushed. I pushed again, again, and again and finally expelled something from my vagina that didn’t feel right. I stood up to see what it was. A stream of blood was flowing from my vagina and down my legs.
“Oh, my God! My baby, my baby,” I cried.
I heard the front door open.
“Rene!” Sand called out.
I was still in the bathroom, crying and praying that this was all a dream. Lord, please let this be a bad dream. I opened my eyes, and it was not. I sat there on the floor, inhaling the smell of my own puke and feces. Sand had probably just left that bitch’s house. The thought of me involuntarily eating another’s bitch’s pussy off her tongue made me more nauseous than I had been. All those times she was supposed to be with Spliff or James or at the fucking club . . . It was all a lie. I couldn’t believe I had let her do this to me. But it had worked out in my favor. She could move on with her life, and I could move on with mine. An eye for an eye. I was ready to pack my shit and bounce.
Sand came into the bathroom.
“You all right?” she asked, eyeing me strangely.
I clutched my stomach.
“You cramping?” she asked.
I gave her the silent treatment. She picked me up, took me into the bedroom, and undressed me. Then she ran me a warm bubble bath and placed me in the tub.
I kept my silence for the rest of the night, while she pretended like there wasn’t a damn thing wrong. I wanted to cuss her ass out and demand that she tell me about the bitch she was fucking behind my back. I wanted to know what her reason was for cheating on me, because I had plenty to support why I was. But I had had enough drama for one day. I didn’t have shit to say to her, and as far as I was concerned, she didn’t have shit to say to me, either.
As I glared at her from across the kitchen table, I realized that I had been trapped. Caught up in a world that I had never belonged in—a world where I had been kept as Sand’s prisoner. It sickened me, the eye contact she made with me, as if things were so peachy between the two of us. She played her role real well.
“Rene, baby, what’s wrong? Are you feeling okay?” Boy, did she need a standing ovation for her performance.
I stared at the box that contained the dinner she had ordered. I didn’t lift a finger.
“Aww,” I moaned. Another excruciating pain was stabbing me below my pelvis. I braced myself and exhaled.
“You all right?” she asked me again.
I rolled my eyes at her, stood up, and slowly walked back into the bedroom. Another pain nearly brought me to my knees.
Sand
Jasmine was still calling and blowing up my phone like crazy. Every time she called. I would hang up, and she would call right back. She had left an ugly message on my voice mail today that made me wanna go over to her place and kick her ass.
“Sand, you know who this is. I’m tired of you hanging up the damn phone in my face! You weren’t playing that role when your ass was in between my legs, eatin’ this pussy, now were you? I knew you were gonna come back. Talking about you wanted to leave the night at the party where it was. Please. You are the one that called me, asking if you could come through. Not me, but you, Sand! Baby, I know this pussy good, and the same way you called me, asking if you could come through, is the same way I’m calling you, letting you know I wanna fuck. I need my pearl tongue licked. This ain’t no muthafuckin’ ‘have it Sand’s way.’ I guess you think you can just come through when you want to or when you need a quickie. Uh-uh. It don’t even work like that. You better have your ass over here no later than ten p.m., or else. Tell that ho of yours that you got plans. You gonna have to be on my time tonight.” Beep. “End of message.”
She had surely lost her everlasting mind. I had deleted that shit as soon as I heard it. If Rene got ahold of my phone and heard that, all hell would break loose.
Jasmine had me fucked up if she thought she was running shit. Trying to call me out. Better yet, threaten me. She wanted to turn psycho on me and show her true colors after realizing that I wasn’t ever gonna leave Rene for her ass. She wanted more from me than what I was willing to give. She wasn’t shit but a quick lay for me. Ain’t no telling how many niggas she was fucking with, because I knew she wasn’t 429—gay. I couldn’t believe I was dealing with some deranged, Sand-whipped crazy head. I went on trying to forget about the other night. I admitted that I was horny as fuck that night, and at that time Rene was being a little distant. So that night Jasmine was the only person I could think of who wouldn’t have a problem with me coming through. But now I knew that was a big-ass mistake. And she proudly threw that night up in every damn message she left on my phone.
My club was almost finished, and the grand opening was going to be on Saturday. I had plenty of talent coming through. I had set up twelve live performances. I had local artists who were on the grind, out pushing their CDs for ten dollars a cop, coming through. This would be their shot at getting their name out there, plus some free promotion. I also had invited some of the popular DJs and radio producers who I knew had major connections to the big shots. Everybody was gonna be in the place. The word had spread, and Sandrene’s was going to be the place to be on Friday and Saturday nights. The doors would open at nine and wouldn’t close until five.
I had to make sure that I was extra fly, so that meant hitting up the mall. Everything I saw and liked, I bought. I even picked Rene up a few things. I was loaded with bags as I walked out of the stores. I climbed in my car and put in a CD that I had just bought from a cat yesterday, while I was washing my ride. His name was Vic Damon. I turned the volume up and bumped it all the way home. The tracks were hitting hard, and that female that he had on there was spitting it like the next Mia X. I was low profiling all the way back to the house. Every time I stopped at a light, I would attract major attention. I wasn’t sure if it was the spree wheels I had on Ms. Lady that was attracting the attention or the new chameleon-colored paint job my boy Sergio
had had Carlos hook me up with. My ride was lime green, purple, and royal blue, and at night it was camouflage navy. Hot damn! Cleaner than a muthafucka.
My cell was once again ringing off the hook. I regretted giving my number to Jasmine, because that was whose number popped up on the caller ID. As many times as she called me, there was no excuse for me not to know her shit by memory. I didn’t answer. I almost did on that last ring so I could chin check that ass. Thinking about her past calls and her voice-mail messages made me mad all over again. I wanted to go in the opposite direction and set her ass straight. Instead, I leaned back, trying to enjoy the breeze as I Cadillac’d through the inner-city streets of D-Town.
It was normally steaming hot around this time of day, but today was breezy and nice out. I thought about how only a few years ago, I’d been homeless. No place to sleep, no car to ride around in, and broke like a joke. I had been doing anything and everything I could to make a dollar. I had even sold that yay yo for a hot minute. I’d sold nickel and dime sacks to anybody and everybody who had the funds to buy it. Stooping to levels that I would not have had to go if it weren’t for Ruby Mae, the woman who had called herself my mother. The woman who had kicked me out into the streets, with no money for food. I remembered that day like it was yesterday.
* * *
I came home from school all excited because I had received my TAAS results. I had all passing scores.
“Mama, where you at? I wanna show you something.” I looked around the entire house for her. I knew she had to be home, because she didn’t work or drive, so there was no other place for her to be but in the house, cooking or cleaning. “Mama,” I kept yelling at the top of my lungs. “I gotta show you something.”
I headed for my room, hoping that she had not gotten comfortable there. I shot up the stairs.
“Mama.”
She was sitting on my bed, with her face buried in a letter. There were other letters surrounding her, apparently those that she had already read and chucked to the side. I saw that my white, red, and blue K-Swiss box was open. That was where I kept all my letters that were supposed to be secret and for my eyes only. Letters from my first girlfriend, Deandra. Mama had violated my space. Trespassed. Overstepped the boundaries that I felt I was entitled to have. When she heard my voice, she placed the white piece of paper in her lap. She had tears running down her face. I already knew what letter she had found.